A Large Update

Beginnings

I haven't been this attracted to someone in what feels like years
I'm smiling from ear to ear
My stomach tingles with anticipation
And I love feeling this vulnerable
This out of control
I'm trying not to be nervous
And not to be scared
I'm trying to flip my switches
And my independent need to sabotage myself
I like you so much that I want to cry
It feels electric with your every touch
I could physically attach myself to you for hours
I've never felt so content walking
And I love our awkward hellos
You putting your arm around me
And how you kiss my head
When you jump up and down
And your hand on my leg
Thinking about you makes me smile and bite my lip
I'm always in such a rush
But I'm trying so hard be calm


Blissfully Ignorant

Every single tiny little insignificant
All these times I feel left behind
It's all adding up
And it's all starting to over power me
I feel alone and lost and lied to
I don't think I can take this city anymore
I don't think I can make it another day here
Another month
I just want this anxiety gone
I just want some fucking sleep and a well meant smile
Please, can't you bid for my attention
I'm so sick of all these games
And I just don't think I can do this anymore
I can't take another minute with my stomach in knots
I don't think I can stay in this city another second
I constantly want to vomit
And I need a change of scenery
I need a change of life
I need something real to happen to me
I don't think I can do this anymore
I can't feel so half alive
Uppers and downers
I just want to set in the center
Blissfully illusioned


Glass

I hate feeling this vulnerable
This out of control
I feel like you could crush my entire world
I feel like one side ways glance would make me crumble
I feel so up in the air
And I want to spend every simple moment with you
I can't tell of you're just chill
Or if you're totally into me
I can't tell of you don't really care
Or what's going on in your head
I know when you touch me I shutter
I know when I look in your eyes I get lost
And I fear you don't see the same reflected
I fear you don't want me
I fear I'm not good enough
And I fear I'm falling in love with you
My head feels like it might burst
Like I might shatter
I am glass


Candy

If you love em
You let em go
If they come back
That's how you know
You'll find it when you stop looking
You have to love yourself first
I can't hear all these lines anymore
No one feels how I feel right now
And no amount of sayings is going to melt away my anxiety
I remember how you loved to watch a movie on my couch
I've never been held so tightly
I've never had a first kiss like that
I've felt this way before
But of doesn't change the intensity of all these moments I think of
Your hand on mine
Your arm around me
And your kisses on my forehead
And if you let em go
Maybe they'll come back
You never know
But I know I have your favorite candy sitting in my cupboard
Just in case you ever want to try that movie thing again
Just in case you ever wondered if I ever listened to you
I heard every word
And every little fucking thing stuck with me
I've still got your favorite candy sitting on the top shelf
It's hiding behind a few things
Maybe sometime you'll try to find it
I guess it's waiting for you
But I don't think I can do the same.


You

I appreciate you more now then ever before
Your listening and enduring my banter
I love that I can have crazy sex with you and then tell you about how insane I am inside
How I stare out my window
How I still think of someone fondly knowing he doesn't matter
I tell you everything I remember about him
And the other one
I told you everything accept what I remember about you
You would always move a chair next to mine at a restaurant
I always could sleep soundly next to you
Waking up and having sex
Smoking pot and having sex again
I think of you laughing at my Reba obsession
And I remember all the times we cuddled and did nothing else
The first time we kissed
And how sick I felt after our talk the Sunday after thanksgiving
How angry I was every time I'd see your face after that
Sometimes I wonder if we will ever be together again
I'd probably date you just to have access to your t-shirt collection
We could never drive anywhere together
We hate each other's music
I really think Madonna is annoying
But I'll still buy you shit and frame it
Hoping that it might make you smile to think of me
I'll never forget your birthday
And I never did
I appreciate you more now then I ever have before
I'm grateful you were around today
And I feel so much better
And I trust you more so then ever before