Time

It's been a while since I've wrote on here. Not to say that I have nothing to say or nothing to share, I have plenty. I've been keeping a lot of thoughts in my head and a lot in places that I haven't found yet. But yes, they are all still there and all still traveling.

After a long night of Wii at XES I am finding myself a little tired, a little restless, and listening to Kate Nash. At this moment, I am enjoying the song more then life itself. It is called Foundations, and it just makes me laugh.

I've started taking a movement class at William Esper Acting Studio. It is a secondary class that I have no yet had the pleasure of diving into. I can actually already feel it changing my life. On Friday I had to sit across from this boy that I had met previously for only a second. We sat just feet away and had to stare directly at each other. There is something so sad, beautiful, loving, and mostly scary about staring into someone's eyes that you don't know. We had to just be okay with being with this person, focus our attention on them. Then we slowly did body shifts in our chairs. Shift one was a basic sitting position, constantly sitting at peace, just there. A focused position in which we sat straight up and made you feel as if you were in charge. The third position was to just fall into the chair and be relaxed. In this position I felt like a rebellious child and uncaring of any emotion that was pushed my way.

There were moments where I was up and focus, and he were leaning back relaxed. I wanted to scream at him to listen to me, to focus, to want me, to need me. And then sitting back myself, it wouldn't have matter what he had said, I were done. Granted, there were no words exchanged, and it wasn't about dialogue. It was about everything that was being said when you say nothing. In those short few minutes I feel in love with this boy, I pushed for a relationship, I pulled away from one, I ignored him, and mostly it reminded me of every single relationship I've ever had.

in those few minutes, I feel as though I know this boy now. I feel like I could tell you and hold one of his darkest secrets. I don't actually know what he is hiding, and maybe he isn't hiding anything. But for some reason, simply staring into someone's eyes allows you into there body and soul.

"you say you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts"

Maybe I am thinking too much, it wouldn't be the first time. And it won't be the last. And I wonder still, what does someone see when they look directly into me? What would I see if I were to look into my own eyes, would I learn or expect something that I didn't before? Am I hiding part of myself from myself. The me from me.

And with these words of seemingly blabber, as it is, I must get some sleep. :-)

Waterfalls and Kiwi's

The other night I was told to be on the corner of 18th and 8th at 7:30 sharp, don't be late. I was late, by 5 minutes, sometimes you have to keep a guy on his toes. I wasn't told where we were going, just to make sure and bring a sweater. There is something adventurous and interesting in the mystery of a first date and someone not telling you what they have planned. I'm so used to the standard dinner, movie, drinks and so forth. To have someone be that daring in the first date only makes me wonder what the 500th must be like with someone in that mindset.

We hoped on the a train and headed to the south street seaport. There we hoped on a boat and took a 30 minute ride to see the waterfalls. The waterfalls are this art installation downtown, there are four and they all seem to just appear in mid air with no beginning. Isn't it funny that sometimes life is like that, sometimes you just fall from nowhere and your not even sure where you started from. There is a certain peaceful serenity and magic in the falls.

After the falls we walked to this small new zealand restaurant on the corner of some random street that you would never know was there. I learned what a kiwi is, essentially someone from new Zealand as an ozie is someone from Australia. I learned about the culture and it left me wishing that America had more stories to share. More history. I found it beautiful that the archways of the restaurant represent the gods ribs. This wraps back into canoes, but I forget the entire explonation.

Talking to people that have traveled the world only seems to make me want to see more. I sometimes forget that there are other places beyond the American dream. I don't think I'm ready to live in another country, but in the future I'd like to try. I'm still not sure exactly of my place in the world, but that clearly means more then what country or city.

When I asked him why he hadn't told me where we were going, his reply was simple and pointed. If I did tell you, or I didn't plan something different, wouldn't it just be another date? And it's true, rather or not I see him again isn't the point, but that I will definetly rememer it. I've been on so many mundane dates, it's always nice to have someone try something new.

There was a guy that I dated for a small amount of time, and almost every morning he stayed with me I would make him pancakes with fruit and whiped cream. I hate making breakfest, but he said that is always made him feel like it was his birthday, so that was reason enough for me. I've had breakfest in bed, but I assume it tastes much sweeter when it's not me making it for myself.

I once had a therapist that told me to date myself. Every week take myself to a movie, to dinner, to do something that I would do for someone else, but for myself. Those were some of the best dates of my life. Those were times where I learned the most about me abs what I actually wanted to do.

As of lately I've been a huge fan of escapism. Anything to get out of my head and away from my thoughts. I've gotten stuck in the world of Harry Potter, now I'm on book 7 and I'm not ready to leave. I wish I had magical powers and were able to fly. But even if I could fly, I'm not sure where I would fly to. Maybe in the morning I would wake, fly out my window and gather fruit for breakfest. Create an amazing looking meal and set myself a beautiful table. No, not a table, but crawl back in bed and make my meal float to me, that way I wouldn't really be doing it myself, but it would still be a date with myself.

Perhaps I could enchant a stuffed animal and have it serve me. Stuffed animals usually don't fuck you over, but I'd look pretty funny walking through a museum with one in hand.

The other night I was told to be on the corner of 18th and 8th. I didn't know where I was going, but I'm glad I checked it out.

I've Still Got the Marks

Today I had to count
Every now and then it all just hits me
Everything at once and I can't take it
Sometimes it feels like there is safety in numbers
It's the control
I know what's coming next
There are no suprises in one to ten
Today I had to count
At one I could feel you
Five I could only see you
At ten you didn't exist
And now you're gone
At least until I have to count again
Every now and then I just need some air
Can't you just give me some fucking space to breathe
One and ur strangling me
Two and I can't help myself
Three get away from me
Four I'm kicking and screaming
Five stop trying to be near me
Six and you finally look away
Seven you're finally fading
Eight you're so much easier to hate then love
Nine I can finally breathe again
Ten and you've never existed to me
Today I had to count
One to ten never changes
I find the comfort in control
And soon enough I've forgotten what I ever needed to count for.

...is no longer listed as "in a relationship"

It seems that everyday when I log into facebook I am some how absorbed into the relationship status of 300 people. I find this rather unnecessary. In all honesty, I assume that if there is actually something going on in one of my friends lives, they would tell me, or I would be the friend they talk about it with. I don't need to hear about everyone that I went to high school with that I haven't spoken to since high school. I highly doubt they care about my "relationship status", if me being in a "relationship" is even possible. It's very hard to build something with Sarah Palin standing over me trying to pray away the gay, and her God damn pearl necklace is slapping me in the face.

What I think is funny though, is that I still talk to a few people from my home town, and they are always ready to let me know who got pregnant, who has gotten divorced, and who is already on their second marriage. It's only been five years, and honestly, I don't know how they have all had the time. I haven't found anyone to date for more then a month and a half without them making me want to "scream naked running down a highway jabbing myself in the eyes with hot needles to prove that I am still alive and have not drifted into some catatonic state resembling death without all the perks". What does this say more so about me? That's not the point, at least I'm realizing that the person makes me miserable now instead of in two years when I'm pushing a baby about of my pussy. But, at least they are getting alimony, all I've been able to walk away with is my sanity, and that's wishy-washy at best.

I think there is a midwest syndrome, motto, chant, curse, whatever, that reads something along the lines of, "Be the first in the family to get a high school degree, push out a baby, get married, push out a baby, collect from the government, push out a baby, divorce husband, collect alimony, push out a baby, get remarried, die." I'm pretty sure that is goes in that order, but feel free to move a few things around. This my friends is The American Dream. I say why not have one or two kids, find a relationship that works, and focus on bringing those children up in a house that's better then what you had. Educate your children and don't pump them full of give me grandchildren crap. I don't understand why anyone would even want to be married before 25. Don't you understand that there is an entire world out there to see?? There is more then a dream of possibly crossing the state line. EVERYONE had the potential to do better for themselves, so please, don't count yourself out as a baby making machine. Unplug yourself and run run run.

What I LOVE more then is no longer listed as "in a relationship" is "it's complicated". Bitch, please. If I were dating someone and they put up "it's complicated" as a status, I'd be real quick to clear that up and uncomplicate it for them. Even if I had been dating someone for years, and we were going through a break up, I would hope that they would have other things to think about then changing their damn facebook status. I also LOVE even more when people place nasty noted about their exs on their main pages. "is taking their ass to court", "hopes (insert name) dies", and even better... "is in labor". Seriously. In labor, fucking push it out and get off your computer. I'm waiting to see "just had their water break". Other to come favorites might include, "just had an abortion", "just threw up dinner so i can be pretty", "just cut herself to control the pain", "got cum on their face", "wishes they were pregnant again so her skin could glow", and "is dead".

Mainly this is all rambling, clearly not my best piece ever. But hey, we've all had a bad "piece" before.

P.S. Thomas is no longer listed as "in a relationship".

AND WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THE LITTLE PICTURE OF THE BROKEN HEART!!!! DON'T GET MY STARTED, DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED.

Suitcases

I used to run back and forth from house to house when I was a child. My parents were divorced, so it was all about who had the ownership of me for the next 24-48 hours. In this regard, I've always had my suitcase packed.

I was ten years old when my mother set me down in our downstairs living room, which was now her bedroom. My father and her had been arguing about custody for what seemed like years, but was easily at least one entire year. I still don’t understand why people argue so much when they divorce. As a child it scared me, now I just think, “Ok, you don’t like each other anymore, we fucking get it.” My mother always had a certain scent about her, something like lilac mixed in with a soft scent of warmth and just a drop of sting. The blanket that covered the old wooden frame of her bed was white with rose-colored flowers covering it.

My sisters had already spoken to her about where and when they wanted to live in each parent’s house. Them both being four and six years older then me, what choice did I really have? I simply nodded and smiled as I had learned to do many years before. The easiest way to not rock the boat. Whenever the boat rocked, someone was easily going to sink to the bottom, and I was too busy trying to keep everyone afloat to even consider causing my own storm. They had come up with some ridiculous plan in which we would go back and forth between houses month-to-month and then weekend by weekend, and spend Wednesdays with the opposite parent of whom had that month. Does that make sense to you? Me either, and at ten, I was like, huh? So essentially there would be weeks where I were with my mom on Monday, Tuesday, my father on Wednesday, my mom on Thursday, my father on Friday, Saturday, and back to my moms on Sunday.

My first suitcase was a sky blue plastic case with silver running around the edges. It had sharp pointed claws that latched it. The inside was falling apart, made of satin, with elastic strips on the side. It was the perfect size for enough clothing for the weekend. If I packed right, I could take it to a parent’s house on Wednesday and if I were still with that parent for the weekend, leave it through Thursday with just enough clothing in my backpack for that day. This often caused me to wear dirty jeans to school. Which I thought nothing of, but there was always someone who noticed. Once it was this girl Katie whom pointed out that I was always in dirty clothing. I never thought of myself that way, but she was the “dirty kid”, the one that every school has. So if she said my jeans were dirty, they must have been. That’s when at 11 I learned how to do the laundry. To this day, I love doing laundry, it calms me. I think I’m more so drawn to the way that something is cleaning, cleansing, starting over, repairing.

One day I decided that I no longer liked the inside of the beat up blue suitcase, so I tore out the inside clothe and cleaned all the glue from the inside. I had some fabric picked out and I was going to make it beautiful. When my mother saw what I had done, she wasn’t so impressed. Throwing the suitcase down she yelled at me about how that had been an aunts of hers, the suitcase was the only memory she had of her, and now I had ruined it. She burst into tears and left me standing there. When I tried to tell her I was sorry, she simply told me to do whatever the hell I wanted, clearly I was going to anyways. I believe I was 12 or 13. She clearly didn’t understand my flare for design. If I had known that for the next few days I was going to be the root of her depression, I would have left the damn suitcase the way it was.

My second suitcase was also from my mother, it was brown leather with a belt like strap that wrapped around the back and latched in the front with a huge gold buckle. Having already learned my lesson, I knew the suitcase was perfect and I had no reason to change a thing about it. I didn’t bother to ask about the history of my new divorce gift, and for the next 5 years I treated it as if a gift from God. This suitcase helped me move my belongings up into my sisters room when she moved from my mother to live with my dad, it held my belongs when I ran back and forth from house to house. Every few years one of my parents would move, so I simply kept packing and unpacking. Yet I stayed in the same school, it was just all over town. This suitcase accompanied me back and forth to New York my senior year in high school to visit my then boyfriend. It saw Australia with me, and eventually in 2003 my brown leather friend went into retirement.

In the Michigan we have graduation parties, you invite your friends, family, and everyone else to come and see your house, congratulate you and bring you gifts. I, as eloquently as possible, set up my party to all be in red, black, and silver. Yes, I was openly gay, and it clearly showed. After everyone had left my party, I was given a gift from my father and stepmother. It was a brand new set of luggage. Not just a suitcase, but a four piece set of forest green matching luggage. I had plans to move to New York, I was leaving in one week, and this was my father’s way of saying he was okay with it and finally accepting my decision.

Of course, at the time I wasn’t thinking that, I was thinking that he couldn’t wait to get me out of there. I was thinking that he was happy to have me gone. I later learned that him and my mother both cried a lot the day I drove away. In my angry and frustration on more then one occasion I had made it very clear that I had no intentions of ever coming back home to visit that god forsaken town. Yes, I have been back, and I do love it. At least now I love it, growing up I hated it.

Now I still have those green suitcases sitting in my closet, I use them when I travel and I think of how much of a peace offering it was for my father to give them to me. I still keep boxes packed when I move, and I move around a lot. Partially because this is New York City and everyone just seems to switch apartments a lot, and partially because I don’t know any better. I don’t stay anywhere too long because I think it frightens me and I’m not sure what a “home” feels like. I do however know that when I leave New York I always think about how I can’t wait to get back home. And when I think of home, I think of being able to walk to dinner, sit outside, enjoy red wine, maybe grab a show, and always have a friend around. I think about looking out over the west river and thanking God that I don’t live in Jersey anymore, and that some how I have managed to live in midtown Manhattan and not be struggling everyday.

Behind my set of green suitcases there sits a brown leather suitcase, I haven’t thrown it out. I don’t know it’s full history, and I don’t want to be responsible for another rainy day.

2 Poems

I've been trying to write other things then poems, but it seems like everything that comes out is bs. So here are a couple pieces I've been working on. I started a new painting, so I hope to have pics up of it soon. Hopefully a couple days, I'm having trouble finding EVERYTHING I need for it though.


Staying Afloat

We're in the same boat
You and I and our Fridays have been amazing
Both trying so hard to keep afloat
I think maybe we could heal each other
But all this talk of healing and overcoming
We are both just sick of it
I'd make it better for you if I could
I'd change history
But I haven't figured out how to travel time
You'll be the first to know
But I can already see you wouldn't change a thing
I've said it before
So I'll say again
Sometimes you've just got to ignore people to save yourself
It's such a cliché
The way we are undeniably the same
I miss out college pact
How no one was good enough to even be our friend
When did we start selling ourselves so short
Sometimes I still feel like it's you and I against the world
Just you and I to save the planet
Another student film to show we have emotions
Another painting to show we have color
Another heart broken to control our own pain
I've just got enough saved for a Mexican meal that will somehow save my day and keep me at bay from myself
I'm glad we've still got each other to cling to
And I'm glad you've started to drink
We both needed another friend in hand.

"You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch him now, here he comes"
-The Killers "When You Were Young"


I Realize I Couldn't

I couldn't look in your eyes
I couldn't keep my head up
I can't put your heart at rest
I can't help you sleep better or stop your anxiety
I can't give you peace of mind
And it's not my job to fix you
I can't solve your problems
I can't make you love yourself
I can't stop you from using people
And I refuse to be a part of your world
You were still a mess in the morning
I'm finding I can't fix things that have already been done
I can't even care enough to try at times
I'm out of ideas
I'm out of chances to pass out
And I'm finally at the point where I just don't care enough to care
So with this I say good-bye
With this I close the book
And I call it a game
Words mean nothing
A kiss couldn't change a thing
Suddenly I feel the wind again
And I set myself free.

Straitjacket

Something so benign for construed as cruelty
Such a difference between who I am and who you see

Conclusions you come to of me routinely incorrect
I don’t know who you’re talking to with such fucking disrespect

This shit’s making me crazy
The way you nullify what’s in my head
You say one thing do another
And argue that’s not what you did
Your way’s making me mental
How you filter as skewed interpret
I swear you won’t be happy til
I am bound in a straitjacket

Talking with you’s like talking to a sieve that can’t hear me
You fight me tooth and nail to disavow what’s happening

Your resistance to a mirror I feel screaming from your body
One day I’ll introduce myself and you’ll see you’ve not yet met me

This shit’s making me crazy
The way you nullify what’s in my head
You say one thing do another
And argue that’s not what you did
Your way’s making me mental
How you filter as skewed interpret
I swear you won’t be happy til
I am bound in a straitjacket

Grand dissonance
The strings of my puppet are cut
The end of an era
Your discrediting’s lost my consent

This shit’s making me crazy
The way you nullify what’s in my head
You say one thing do another
And argue that’s not what you did
Your way’s making me mental
How you filter as skewed interpret
I swear you won’t be happy til
I am bound in a straitjacket

-Alanis Morissette

Things You Already Know

Thing You Already Know

You know how I feel about words
They don't mean a thing
You've proven that straight forward for yourself
Your attempts are discontinued wishes
You've been given more chances then you earned
And I'm done passing out waivers
And I'm not thrilled by your half ass trying
You should have thought about that earlier
And there is nowhere else to go when you're at the bottom
So maybe that's all you could muster up
Clearly not your strong point
Why do you think your words would mean anything to me now
They obviously meant nothing when you said them before
And what's a rose
Don't you know I get flowers all the time
This isn't some fairytale
You're going to need more then a rose
More then some cliche "I'm sorry"
If it makes it better
Just know I'm sorry too
I thought you could be more
I thought u were different
I endowed you with enchantments you didn't own
I think it's beautiful the way you try to reason everything away
Haven't you learned
Just because it can be explained
It can't be erased
You can't explain away the emotions you are desperately trying to extinguish
Reasons for this
And reasons for that
You're just creating your self fulling prophecies
I remember you telling me everyone is still single and alone because they are searching for something that doesn't exist
It made sense then
And now I know first hand it's true
What is it that you think is missing
It's not as if I looked into your eyes and knew
Or that I ever did
There were compromises I was choosing to make
Imperfections I was over looking
I'm not going to be over 30 and searching in the dark for invisible happiness
And things that don't exist

Snapped

If my heart snapped
What would I do
Be alive with confusion
Or sleep with someone new?

Silence

There are times when I just don't know what to say.

This is one of them.