Life... or Something?

Lately I've been on this self help kick, self recovery. All those crazy new age things, and honestly, THANK GOD. I am tired, but I feel emotionally and mentally worked out. Usually I just go to the gym, but lately, it's been a full body thing, mind, soul, all of the above.

I've seen my arms get larger, my chest as well. I've seen my legs grow in size, but only recently do I feel my heart and my soul expanding. It is one of the most amazing feelings in the world. I can't believe that I'm 25 and just now finding all these wonderful things out.

If you've been wondering where I've been, I started doing The Artist's Way and I started a blog with one of my friends. I try to update everyday and have so far been doing really great. Check it out if you're into it. If you have any idea what The Artist's Way is, then def chime in.

I might not know you, but if you're taking the time to read any of this random blog, then I'm sure part of me loves you.

Thomas

http://www.2ArtistsWay.blogspot.com

Why I Blog

I blog because I love it. I blog because it is an outlet for me. I blog because it in a small way allows me to put part of my heart out into the world. I blog because I love to write. I blog because when I am finished I feel better about everything and everyone in my life. I blog because it is what I love to do.

Everyone blogs, I just choose not to live in my head with it so much. I'd rather put it out into the world.

Psychologist?

Today I went to my second session with a psychologist. I've been in and out of therapy since I were a child and my parents got a divorce. I don't think there is anything wrong with therapy at all, in fact, I truly think that EVERYONE should do and talk to one at some point. But, this one did not work for me. In fact, she ended up making me feel as there really was something "wrong" with me. She told me that all the creative empowering work I've been doing is just to cover the surface, I'm deluded and simply choosing to ignore who I really because I don't want to change. HUH? I walked into her office feeling great, my day was awesome, and I have been working really hard to turn all my negative thoughts and emotions into positive ones.

I told that ultimately, I want to wake up in the morning and be happy. I realize that this is semi ridiculously and that no one is happy all the time. I don't mean that I want to walk around with a huge smile on my face for the rest of my life, but simply that I'd like to have a rather sunny outlook in general. She told me that all the meditation work, the light work, the Artist Way, it is all just covering my real issues that I clearly don't want to dig up and discover. I guess she is partially right, I don't feel like talking about how I don't feel like made my father proud growing up. I already know I feel this way, I can't change that, but why is it so bad to want to simply change how you look at it? She is right, I don't want to cry about every incident that happened to me when I were 5 years old and so on. I don't want to rediscover true pain, I don't want to leave an office every week feeling like shit.

I want to be happy. i don't care how I get there, but yes, I want to be happy. What's so wrong with that? I am carving out my own creative path and starting to really feel good about myself inside, so why was she making it sound as though it is pointless? She told me that there is nothing she can do for me, that I clearly don't want to change, that I have walls up, and its my own choice. She told me that I would take years and years of deep psychological treatment to deal with all my issues and that I don't have the commitment to do so.

Ummm, I know I'm a little complicated and that I can be depressed, but to tell me that I have years and years of issues to deal with seems kind of extreme. She then basically told me that I needed to leave, that there was nothing she could do for me, and that if I wanted to just be happy then I should contact a cognitive behavioral therapist. When I asked her if she had one that she might recommend she said, "no, I don't work with those types of people". At no point did she show any emotion at all that she cared about what I were going through or trying to change. In fact, our session ended twenty minutes early, I paid for the entire thing, and on my way out I said, "have a good night, thank you". Her reply, "Shut the door on your way out, I have a message here I need to listen to".

As I've said, I've been to many therapist, and none, NONE, have ever been to cold hearted and seemingly judging. I understand that there are different types of therapy and that all "specialist" specialize in different types and kinds, but I feel as though the way she addressed me was not even as a human being.

Overall, I just feel as though it was a huge waste of time and money. I went in there thinking that I get a little depressed sometimes and I want to make it better. She left me feeling angry and mad, as though there is some deeply rooted psychological issues that I will never overcome and my entire life will be filled with darkness, and it's all my fault.

Basically, I think she was just a cunt.

Meditation

I just did an amazing meditation. I haven't felt this warm, safe, and loved in a very long time. I am smiling ear to ear.

Flowers

I love getting flowers. This might sounds girly, but who cares, flowers are pretty and awesome. I was walking along the street today and I walked by one of the many deli's with flowers in front. I remembered a time when I had gotten flowers and it made me smile. I continued down the block and thought, maybe again one day. Then it hit me, fuck it! I turned around and bought myself flowers. Why should I wait for someone to to do something for me that I can clearly do myself? So now, once again, my apartment has flowers. And they make me smile.

To K: I hate being gay. I really do. I'm not even that drunk at all. But seriously, I hate being gay. I hate how petty people are, I hate coke, I hate how everyone cheats, I hate how people just want to look cool. I want a good job, a house, some kids, a car, a family. A fucking white picket fence, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

All I have left to say is, "you live, you learn."

Dear Marc Sinoway, I wish I'd just listened to you from the beginning. You were right.
Xoxo,
Thomas.

I think part of the reason we are mean to one another is because we want to be remembered. Even if in a bad way, we don't want to be forgotten. No one wants to be left behind.

Hurting People

I've hurt people. There was a girl in 5th grade that I made fun of once for being over weight because I knew she had weight issues and she was being a bitch to me. I knew my words would hurt her more then anything she could possibly say to me, and I was right. In this instant, I went out of my way to hurt her, and I did. It was intentional and I've always felt bad about it. I was a close friend to her, I knew how she were vulnerable and I used it to destroy her for a small amount of time.

As an adult, I've hurt people in other ways, more unintentional ways. As a human, it happens. People can't always see eye and to eye, and even when you don't try, someone can easily get hurt. I've been on both sides of the table, so know I just try to be open and honest all the time. I try not to hide things in corners and I let my emotions be known. If you are honest all the time, then you can't "hurt" someone as much as just dropping a bomb.

I feel like it has been a while since I've said or done something to intentionally cause someone else pain. And it is the worst when it happens to you. It leaves you wondering why? Was it a payback of some sort? Why is there so much anger there? What happened to how you cared about me?

Why is it that we pull peoples strings in the worst most vulnerable ways, just because we can?

If I've ever hurt you, and you're reading this now, I'm sorry. Unless you were that girl from 5th grade, or some other isolated incident, I probably didn't mean to. And in the end, who is really the one left hurting?

This song has never been my favorite Alanis song, but for now, it just seems the most fitting.



FLINCH

What's it been over a decade?
It still smarts like it was four minutes ago
We only influenced each other totally
We only bruised each other even more so

What are you my blood? You touch me like you are my blood
What are you my dad? You affect me like you are my dad

How long can a girl be shackled to you
How long before my dignity is reclaimed
How long can a girl stay haunted by you
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name

Where've you been? I heard you moved to my city
My brother saw you somewhere downtown
I'd be paralyzed if I ran into you
My tongue would seize up if we were to meet again

What are you my god? You touch me like you are my god
What are you my twin? You affect me like you are my twin

How long can a girl be tortured by you?
How long before my dignity is reclaimed
And how long can a girl be haunted by you
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name

So here I am one room away from where I know you're standing
A well-intentioned man told me you just walked in
This man knows not of how this information has affected me
But he knows the colour of the car I just drove away in

What are you my kin? You touch me like you are my kin
What are you my air? You affect me like you are my air

Starting to Love Myself

It's recently been brought to my attention that I don't love myself enough. And I didn't really think about it before, but it's true. I think I'm a fun guy and genuinely nice to people for the most part. I might come off slightly cold, but I think that's more of a shield then it is me being mean. I don't need everyone to like me anyways, I can't control other people, but only myself.

In the past few days I'm been trying to really pick up and notice when I mentally dog myself down, shut myself off, play the victim, and basically am negative to myself and to other people. I definitely use it as a way to "protect" myself, but I'd like to stop. I need to stop making fun of other people all the time (just to my friends, never to anyones face), and I need to stop making fun of myself. I am by far too hard on myself for acting and doing the things that I want to. Saying you are going to stop something that has been imprinted in you since birth is much easier said then done though.

I am meditating, on a lot of thing. One being to let go of a relationship, one of becoming a positive person, on dealing with anxiety and stress, and many more. They have helped immensely.

The letting go of a relationship one really helps you in unlocking and realizing that people are in your life for a certain reason and a certain amount of time for a purpose. It helps you to find that reason and allows you to just mentally release the person from all chains you may still have wrapped on them.

The positive person one sort of implants a chip in your head that makes you notice when you are being negative. I've started to make a not of what I've thought and then think of the opposite and make it a positive affirmation. This is difficult and makes me laugh sometimes, but then I start laughing and therefore I am happy again. This also makes me think less negative things about myself.

Dealing with anxiety and stress just seems to make me really calm after. It erases all the pain in my stomach and makes it easier to breathe.

There are a ton more and each last for approximately 25 minutes. I recommend checking out OrinDaben.com to see if you want to try any of them.

Yes, it seems like a lot of work. But when you actually want to change something about yourself, shouldn't it be work? Yes, you should be who you are, who you want to be. But what if who you've become isn't who you used to be? Or you want to be happy? Yes, make the changes, why not? You only live once, so go for it! I decided that I don't want to be unhappy anymore, I don't want to be negative, I don't want to blame other people for my insecurities, I don't want to drink through my problems, i want to deal with them and I want to get them out of my life so I can grow to be the amazing person that I know I can be.

I am officially starting to love myself, I'm starting today.

A Million Little Pieces

Although I clearly am stealing the title of this blog from the title of a book, it has nothing to do with one another.

All I feel like saying is that all the little pieces have started to add up, and everything seems so much clearer. I'm happier today then I have been in a long time. I am looking forward to moving and just getting away from a lot of things and a lot of people. Although I am def not running from anything, I am running towards something, myself, my dreams, my life as I want it to be.

I feel as though I should be saying thank you to everyone and everything. Good or bad, right or wrong, it is all helping me to make the decisions and choices that I should be.

So, thank you.

"why do I feel frantic when I first wake up in the morning
why do you say you are spiritual, yet you treat people like shit
How can you say you're close to God, and yet you talk behind
my back as though I'm not a part of you"

-Alanis Morissette 'These R the Thoughts'

Why Does It Always Rain on Me?

After ingesting a pot brownie, that I somehow managed to purchase at Wendy's, I found myself sitting in my apartment until almost 7am sharing all my life with someone that I really don't know that well. Oddly enough, the weirdest thing about the situation was that I was eating Wendy's. I have a tendency to share too much, or just rattle off at the mouth. I don't even really see an issue with that, for the most part I think I'm pretty interesting. Or that i at least have some sort of story telling capability. "If you could have any super power, what would it be?" Did I answer "story telling capability"? If so, perhaps it is a weak power, or I need an editor.

Further along in the evening/early morning I was told that a song called "Why Does it Always Rain on Me" is "my song". Having actually known what this song was, I found myself being slightly offended, but then just laughed. In the actually amount of time that this person has known me, I have felt that it was constantly raining on me. I've been beating myself up and I've been depressed. This isn't something new to me, and therefore I just take it in stride. I know it will pass, and I don't notice what I project to other people for the most. Mainly I'm sure because I'm too busy locking myself away in my head.

Of course I listened to the song again and it made me laugh even harder. "Why does it always rain on me, is it because I lied when I was seventeen". I am CONSTANTLY looking for a reason for every little thing that happens in my life. I think life is a little more random then that, but maybe it is all pre-calculated? I don't know if I believe in "roots", but there is a constant cause and effect for life.

Here is the video and the lyrics.

P.S. I recently was having an amazing dinner with two of my friends up in Harlem. We were talking about how when you are growing up your parents say things like, "If you think you have it bad now, just wait until you're an adult." Fuck that, being a kid was rough, I enjoy being an "adult".



Travis
Why Does It Always Rain On Me?

I can't sleep tonight
Everybody saying everything's alright
Still I can't close my eyes
I'm seeing a tunnel at the end of all these lights

Sunny days
Where have you gone?
I get the strangest feeling you belong
Why does it always rain on me?
Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?
Why does it always rain on me?
Even when the sun is shining
I can't avoid the lightning

I can't stand myself
I'm being held up by an invisible man
Still life on a shelf when
I got my mind on something else

Sunny days
Where have you gone?
I get the strangest feeling you belong
Why does it always rain on me?
[ Travis Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?
Why does it always rain on me?
Even when the sun is shining
I can't avoid the lightning

Oh, where did the blue skies go?
And why is it raining so?
It's so cold
I can't sleep tonight
Everybody's saying everything's all right
Still I can't close my eyes
I'm seeing a tunnel at the end of the lights

Sunny days
Where have you gone?
I get the strangest feeling you belong
Why does it always rain on me?
Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?
Even when the sun is shining
I can't avoid the lightning
Oh, where did the blue skies go?
And why is it raining so?
It's so cold
Why does it always rain on me?
Why does it always rain on....

I feel that very often I like the idea of someone more then I like the actual person.

Damn VH1

The end of Tool Academy Season 2 is coming to a close... luckily there is a new season of Tough Love coming up... Part of me really hates that I can't help but watch these shows. Part of me is very happy they are doing another season of Tough Love. Part of me is still annoyed Megan Wants a Millionaire was cut off. And part of me makes me want to turn off my cable service, clearly I don't know my limits with what to waste my time on.