Mustard

In the middle of last month I found myself on a mission to blog everyday to keep a constant record of my trip to Florida and following the Smashing Pumpkins on tour. Day 1 went well with this goal, day 2 and so on, not so well. I was more interested in taking in everything around me then I was with getting some writing out everyday. What I also learned, is that when I begin to write the things that really matter to me more flows out easily.

I've been stressed this last couple weeks. I have a play coming up, and although I don't don't have a huge role, I am still stressed about getting everything prepared. One of the actors is on stage the entire play and I have no idea how she is able to do it. She has huge chunks of dialogue through out the entire piece with no break what so ever. Along with that, I have started auditioning again, which is always a great experience and I learn from it every time. My parents are coming next week to visit and see the play. This weekend I have a friend visiting from out of town, work, dress rehearsal, and I am trying to get this story I've been working on completely edited and finished.

This story. Oh, this story I do love so much. It is by far the longest single piece I have put together and I love the feel of it. It has allowed me to move on from an event in my life and give closure to something that I should have closed the door on before it even began. Like anything else, I choose to learn from all experiences. This particular one though, seems to keep popping up just when I think it is gone. It's essentially this monster hiding in the shadows and every time I feel I have banished it, I have a dream, a smell comes in, a song plays, or something equally as meaningless, but meaning everything, happens.I'm ready for it to leave completely. I just wish I knew the finally stages to cut all cords, because snip snip snip, I would.

Lately I've been catching my tongue before I speak and keeping quiet when I want to scream. It's interesting to feel a shift in power when you just choose to say nothing. I'm going to be saying less more frequently.

Step 1: Stop criticizing other people.

Day 1 of SP Florida trip

LGA-> MCO (Orlando International Airport)

After sleeping for a mer 3 hours, after working Saturday night, I was up and getting dressed, waiting for my bus to pick me up and take me to LGA. I hadn't ever used AirLink before, so I figured I'd give it a shot. It only cost 17 dollars for them to pick you up at your door and drive you to the airport. I was expecting a huge white van to come barreling down the road, but I was surprised to see a shinny black Escalade parked in front of my building. What I didn't expect was then being driven form my apartment in Hell's Kitchen to the upper east side to pick up another passenger, then through the suburbs of Queens for yet another. It took almost an hour and a half to reach the airport, which should have taken 45 minutes. Never again AirLink, never again.

Clearing security, it was time for breakfast. My flight had an hour delay, so there was time to kill. My options for 10:30am included pizza, Burger King, and soft serve ice cream. I bee lined for the ice cream, added some fruit, a little granola, and was able to convince myself that it was the best choice. An hour later I was in line at Burger King, the ice cream hadn't done the trick. The Burger King, on the other hand, did a trick on my stomach. The plane ride was not one I'd describe as pleasurable.

My buddy, Geoff, greeted me at the airport where we then drove to the Cheesecake Factory. YES! I FUCKING LOVE THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY!!! There isn't one inside NYC, so when I leave to go to another large city I always try to track down the nearest mall and gorge myself until I feel like I will burst. Over dinner I was telling Geoff about how great the last Smashing Pumpkins concert I attended was and that I really thought he would enjoy the Orlando show. That's when it hit me, I was in FL, and my tickets to all the shows are back in NYC. I'm usually a very organized person, I don't forget things (although sometimes I wish I could), and I am always on time. But, had I really forgotten the tickets to the concerts that were the entire reason for me flying to FL?? Yes, I had. Being late Sunday night, Ticket Master was already closed, so I had to wait until this morning to call. Have no fear, the tickets will be at will call waiting for me.

That night, after Cheesecake, we went back to his apartment, napped, and then headed out to some random gay club in downtown Orlando. It's weird to walk into a club filled with people and not know a soul. Oddly enough, I've run into people that I know every time I travel, Hawaii, Paris, and even in Thailand. I'm used to going out in NYC where I can leave my apartment alone, go anywhere, and know that I will always just find someone to chill with. Here though, the playing field is different and I felt self conscious and wanted to lye under the radar, so I did.

The night ended in drunken McDonalds, a perfect top off of the otherwise healthy meals I had been eating all day.

This morning I was hungover, laying in bed, and forced myself up to shower. Call Ticket Master, and then headed to the gym and pool that is down the street from Geoff's building. I now sit waiting for him to return from class so we can head to the House of Blues for show #1.

T

Hang With Me

Only recently have I seen the book that I've had in my mind for so long start to come together into my hands. It seems like a beautiful open road and every day is makes me more and more excited. I'm thrilled to finally be able to share my deep and true stories with the world. I can see the cover in my head, the opening pages, and the chapters forming in the folds of my mind. There is something really amazing in looking at a 20 page chapter about someone that was very important in your life, putting words to your emotions, and then being able to hold them and say, "This is me. This is who I am."

In a class I was recently told that every story has already been told, but it is how you tell it and with your own truth that makes the story different. I'm finding as I write with a direct purpose that it is only in my deep truths and non-judgements that I really seem to be able to pull and tug on the heart strings that I so desire.

ROBYN is coming to NYC in August, and I can't wait. I had originally bought a ticket for me and for someone else, but now I have a spare, so who wants to go?!

ROBYN - HANG WITH ME



Lyrics to Hang With Me

Will you tell me once again
How we're gonna be just friends
If you're for real and not pretend
Then I guess you can hang with me

When my patience's wearin' thin
When I'm ready to give in
Will you pick me up again
- Then I guess you can hang with me
You can hang with me

And if you do me right
I'm gonna do right by you
And if you keep it tight
I'm gonna confide in you
I know what's on your mind
there will be time for that too
if you hang with me
hang with me

Just don't fall
recklessly, headlessly in love with me
Cause its gonna be
All heartbreak
blissfully painful and insanity
if we agree

Oh you can hang with me

When you see me drift astray
outta touch and outta place
will you tell me to my face?
then I guess you can hang with me

And if you do me right
I'm gonna do right by you
And if you keep it tight
I'm gonna confide in you
I know what's on your mind
there will be time for that too
if you hang with me
hang with me

Just don't fall
recklessly, headlessly in love with me
Cause its gonna be
All heartbreak
blissfully painful and insanity
if we agree you can hang with me

Just don't fall
recklessly, headlessly in love with me
Cause its gonna be
All heartbreak
blissfully painful and insanity
if we agree

Oh you can hang with me
Hang with me

Shuffle

As I continue to leave my iPod on shuffle I am reminded again of songs I had forgotten about. Here is one that popped up today for me. It is probably her most underrated single and it is awesome.

NELLY FURTADO

"TRY"




All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Try

All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
And that's you, baby
This is me, baby
And we are, we are, we are, we are
Free
In our love
We are free in our love

Smiling

I'm happy with my new apartment, I'm finishing up my speech work, I have a lot of projects on my plate at the moment, and I've been getting some great writing done. I leave for FL on Sunday and I'm smiling ear to ear. :-)

ZERO time

Over the last week I've been packing and moving, just up a few blocks from my old apartment. I have been painting and basically just trying to get everything taken care of.

Over the weekend I worked my butt off running from the city out to Long Island and I had a great time. I've been enjoying my friends a ton and the 4th of July rocked.

Tonight I have my first rehearsal for a play I'm doing in August. I think I'm pretty well prepared for tonight, granted, it is the first rehearsal, no one expects it to be perfect nor near completion.

And in under two weeks I'll be in FL going from concert to concert. I can't wait!

Almost 200.

This is my 195th post on Me And My Ganja. What will he do next?

Well, first on my list is to better define myself. After a long discussion today, with someone I've grown a feeling of closeness, it was brought to my attention that possibly I am stumbling in that area. I am very in tune with so many things going on around me, but what is it that I actually want and who am I? Yes, the questions of life, who am I? But at what point do I/we stop asking ourselves this and make the choice to be who we want to? NOW, now is when I am going to start.

This gets me excited and I can't wait for the rest of the day and tomorrow to continue this work of choices. What am I waiting for to happen? I have the world as my ouster and I'm going to eat it up!

:-)

HELLO WORLD

Last night before sleeping I did a great meditation and BAM! Hello, World, I'm back. Sorry I've been away for a bit, but not anymore.

T

Sleep

Right after I posted that last entry, I slept. Maybe I just needed to get something out of my head.

T

I haven't been sleeping. I wouldn't call myself an insomniac, at least not yet. I can't seem to be able to turn my brain off these last days and it is driving me nuts. I keep trying all the tricks I know of. I've been trying breathing exercises, and i just can't seem to find sleep.

I need to get out of New York City for a bit. I need to just be alone for a while and away these streets and these lights. I need some silence and to still be outside, I need to get away from these people.

So I am.

On a whim, I bought a plane ticket to FL, reserved a car, and from July 18-22nd, I'll be following the Smashing Pumpkins around FL. I'm going to visit a friend of mine in Orlando for a night or two and then venture out on my own. I just need to run for a while, sleep in crappy motels and blast music while I drive down the road with the wind in my face.

July 18th couldn't come fast enough.

I can't sleep, my eyes are dry and my face feels tired. I have class tonight and a shoot tomorrow morning. Maybe tonight I can sleep, but right now it doesn't seem to matter what I try. Maybe after a good workout my brain will shut itself off.

Afraid of Anger

In my first year of acting class we would do freedom rifting. Basically we would stand and stare at each other and then say whatever came up. When ever someone would say they didn't like something about me, get angry, or look unhappy I would drift into this mode of saying, "I'm sorry". It came down to my teacher telling me that I was no longer allowed to apologize. He would ask me what I was apologizing for, why was it my responsibility to try and keep everything below the boiling point? For a long time it was very difficult for me to just say, "so what?" and leave it at that.

It took months before I was able to tell someone to even fuck off, or that I didn't care if they were angry. It took months following that for me to be able to even say that I was mad. I still find myself doing the same thing. I'm so quick to tell people that I'm not mad, but I am. I'm fucking pissed sometimes, and what's the problem with that? Why do I feel like it's okay for everything else ot get pissed off except for me? What happens if I express my own anger that I'm so afraid of?

As of now, tonight, I'm no longer going to sit back and try to keep the top from flying up. If I'm pissed I'm going to tell you, I'm going to express it, and I don't care if you like it or not. I'm so in touch with my "happy" feeling, it's time that I got just an comfortable with my "angry" ones as well.

A Beautiful Song Reborn in My Memory

These are the lyrics to a song by the Smashing Pumpkins that I just found, again. With their huge collection of music, sometime they get forgotten.

Would (If You Wait)
-Smashing Pumpkins

wound opens
reveal a broken man
soon notions
blood on his hands
stop, stop, pop tart
taste of your demands

if you wait, i will wait
if you taste, i will taste
if you run, i will run
if you love, i will love
to my last prayer

tomb opens
reveal a stack of gold
cool poison
the taste of growing old
sit down, downtown
in your tower of steel

if you wait, i will wait
taste, i will taste
if you run, i will run
love, i will love
to my last prayer
my last prayer
to my last prayer

wound opens
reveal a broken man
soon notions
blood on his hands

if you wait, i will wait
taste, i will taste
if you run, i will run
love, i will love
to my last prayer

if you wait
if you wait
if you wait
if you wait

Am I Fucking Insane?

It's been a long running joke between my friends and I that we are all crazy. I think that's why the philanthropy girl and I get along so well. We are both these "tortured artists" and shit is just so deep it hurts. Sometimes when we hang out it really is just too much, but we love every moment of it. If someone didn't know us and was to follow us around, I can only imagine what they might think. Maybe that's why we started shooting a reality show and then lost it, for being too real. People don't really want to hear about the crap that goes on.

This week I've started taking my first real writing class. It is based around personal essays and what you need to sell them. It teaches you how to target it at a publication and how you need to alter it to make it more understandable. All I know is that I love to write, and that is probably at least half the battle.

The other night over dinner someone asked me what I wanted to write about. "What do you mean?" He asked me if I wanted to write editorials or what else there is. LOL. I replied with, "No, I want to write about myself." And It's true. I want to write about me. Not because I feel like I'm more interesting then anything else, but because I want to figure myself out. Who doesn't? I think that I probably think about figuring myself out more then the average person, but who wants to be average anyways?

It is weird to write on here and feel like I get to free so much of myself and then to take a story and try to give it structure with meaning and points. To try and make things more funny, beautiful, and sad. And anything that you say can be taken so many different ways, so you try your best to be as direct as possible.

I've only written one piece for my class so far, and it is so much harder then I thought it would be to accurately tell my story. Just when I think I can put a gold star on top of the page I find that there are unanswered questions and that "I" am making my way sound one way when I meant another. It's hard to put how you see yourself down on paper. Only in writing this story do I question my sanity. In my story I was aiming for quirky and instead I read "insane". I became defensive when really, maybe I am just a bit insane? I'd rather be insane then boring though, boring I am not.

Where am "I" in all this?

With this writing class that I am taking we are asked to really dive into ourselves and talk about our feelings, where they come from and then set up a structure for telling a story. As much I share my feelings, I still cap myself at points and cover a lot of my feelings up with laughter.

How far am I willing to dive in? How much am I really able to share when I so frequently try to place blame on others for how I feel. Well, he broke my heart, he said one thing and did another, he this, and he that. Where are all the I's? Where was I when all of the signs were clearly in front of my face and blaring? Where was I when I chose what I wanted to hear and what I wanted to see? I hate to think that maybe sometimes, "I" am the problem and I create my own destiny.

I'm curious to find out why it is that when someone has issues and problems, why am I drawn to them so desperately? Why is that when someone who has their shit together I don't want anything to do with him? Eventually I hope that these few questions will be answered and hopefully the outcomes changed.

Do I only hear and see what I want to? Sometimes I question myself and then I remember moments so vividly that tell me that "No, it's not just you seeing what you want to." I can control my future to a certain degree, but not fully and not all the time. I'd like to find that calm balance, learn how to embrace myself in it.

Where am I in all this? Why does it sometimes just feel like things are all happening around me but not really to me, and then suddenly everything is happening to me and only me?

Bent For You

I had forgotten all about this song until it popped up on the iPod yesterday. It's funny how many times I've heard this song in the past and found it relevant.

Bent For You
-Alanis Morissette


you're unsure and you're not ready so that must mean I want you
you're unavailable and disinterested and to you I look for comfort

a million times in a million ways I will try to change you
a million months and a million days I'll try to somehow convince you

I have waited for you and adjusted for you and I'm done
I have deferred to you and enabled you and I'm done

you're too young or you're too old or you're simply not inclined
you're asleep or you're withholding be that my cue to crave you

several times in several ways I'll try to squeeze love from you
several hours and several ways I'll feast on scraps thrown from you

I have bent for you and I've deprived for you and I'm done
I have depressed for you and contorted for you and I'm done
I have stifled for you and I've compromised for you and I'm done
I have silenced for you and sacrificed for you and I'm done

it won't be long before I am reclaimed
it won't take long and I'll be on path again
it won't be easy for us to disengage
I'm at the end of self deprivation stage

you're afraid of every woman afraid of your inner workings
you cringe at the thought of living under the same roof as me god and everything

a million times and a million ways I've tried to alter to match you
several times every several days I've tried to uncrush on you

A Happy Thing About Sad Music

Would You Like to Stick It In?


I've always been someone that related with music more so then even the people around me in my life. I think it would be awesome if everyone had a headphone jack on their body, you could walk up and just plug in and listen to who they are. I wonder at times what song would be blaring from my bones. If people could really just plug into me I'm pretty most of the world would think I am crazy, all over the place, bi-polar, and maybe even beautiful.

I've found that there really is a song for every emotion that runs through your body. There is always some melody to drive you deeper and further into anything you are feeling. Time after time in acting classes I've used just a few strings to bring me to tears, make me jump up and down, make me laugh, and everything in between.

The wonderful thing about sad music is that it makes you feel like you aren't the only one in the world that has gone through something. It's not the same as misery loves company but more simply knowing that someone else has been there. It gives you hope that things will get better, it makes you feel less alone. It's awesome when a singer or song writer has a sad song followed by a happy song, it's the light at the end of the tunnel. If there was no pain, then how would you recognize happiness? And vice versa.

With my iPod being on random over the last week or so I've been reintroduced to songs that I've long forgotten and that bring so many moments back to me. My first inclination was to post the sad song that interrupted my gym work out today, but fuck it, I don't feel like being sad right now. So here is a happy kind of fun one that I burned onto a CD for one of my sisters over the weekend. Enjoy!



Thursday night,
everything's fine,
Except you've got that look in your eyes,
when I'm telling a story
And you find it boring you're thinking of something to say.
You'll go along with and then drop it
And you humiliate me, in front of our friends.

Then I'll use that voice what you find annoyin'
And say something like
"intelligent input darlin' why don't you just have another beer then?"

Then you call me a bitch and everyone we're with will be embarrassed,
and I won't give a shit.

My fingertips are holding onto the
cracks in our foundations,
and I know that I should let go,
but I can't.
And everytime we fight I know it's not right,
everytime that you're upset and I smile
I know I should forget, but I can't.

You said I must eat so many lemons,
'cause I am so bitter.
I said "I'd rather be with your friends mate,
'cause they are much fitter"

Yes it was childish
and you got aggressive
and I must admit that I was a bit scared,
but it gives me thrills to wind you up.

Your face is pasty,
'cause you've gone and got so wasted,
what a surprise,
don't want to look at your face,
'cause it's making me sick.

You've gone and got sick on my trainers,
I only got these yesterday.
Oh my gosh, I cannot be bothered with this.

Well I'll leave you there till the mornin',
and I purposely won't turn the heating on
and dear God, I hope I'm not stuck with this one.

And every time we fight I know it's not right,
every time that you're upset and I smile.
I know I should forget, but I can't.

Ramblings

It's been a really long time since I've posted any sort of lyrical ramblings. With recent things that have been happening in my life it was this morning on my walk home that I had this flow of words come out of myself. I like the term "rambling", so maybe that's a perfect title for this.

Ramblings

Talking to you is emotional masterbation
Everything that comes out of your mouth I find beautiful
Even when you say how you never want to fall in love again
And how that includes with me.

If we weren't both so tortured
And really only by ourselves
Makes me wonder
Would we really conect so well?

I told you I missed you
You didn't say you missed me back
You said you had to find happiness in being alone
That way it wasn't dependent on anyone else and no one could take it from you.

I knew exactly what you meant.

I want to find that light in me as well.

Of course we had sex
You can't have a conversation like that and not feel like you want to be one for a bit,
Atleast that's how the moment happened to me.

I wonder what moments have existed to you that live in me so vividly?

It wasn't until you didn't want me to hold you after that I truely knew none of this had to do with me.

Life Lesson 6,897,457

Until earlier today I had forgotten that not matter what you feel like inside, blasting a Marilyn Manson will always make you smile a little more.



"The Bright Young Things"

We'll be the worms in your apple pie
Fake abuse for our bios
Blacken our own eyes
The grass isn't greener on the other side
We set it on fire
And we have no reason why.
We set fashion, not follow
Spit vitriol, not swallow
We set fashion, not follow
Spit vitriol, not swallow
We're
Good for nothing but being
Everything that's bad
Good for nothing but being
Everything that's bad
We know who we are and what we want to say
And we don't care who's listening
We don't rebel to sell
It just suits us well
We're the bright young things
I've got my villain necktie
And a mouth of hi-fi
So sharp, I'm bleeding
from my Judas Hole
I'm the Arch Dandy
No-goodnik and I'm headed
For Crashville.
I'm most monster with my groan box
In the "Meat Show."
We set fashion, not follow
Spit vitriol, not swallow
We set fashion, not follow
Spit vitriol, not swallow
Good for nothing but being
Everything that's bad
Good for nothing but being
Everything that's bad
We know who we are and what we want to say
And we don't care who's listening
We don't rebel to sell
It just suits us well
We're the bright young things

Crashing the ether
We've got the loudest stereotype
Even neophytes deep 6 your pro-life.
We don't need to move a single prayer bone
We're so beautiful and damned
Simply as a "still life."

Perpetual rebellion with absolutely no cause
Perpetual rebellion with absolutely no cause
Perpetual rebellion with absolutely no cause
Perpetual rebellion with absolutely no cause

Stop the song and remember what you used to be
Somebody that could fucking impress me

We know who we are and what we want to say
And we don't care who's listening
We don't rebel to sell
It just suits us well
We're the bright young things

We know who we are and what we want to say
And we don't care who's listening
We don't rebel to sell
It just suits us well
We're the bright young things
Good for nothing but being
Everything that's bad
Good for nothing but being
Everything that's bad

The World is Fucking with Me

Over the last week or so I've felt like the world has really been fucking with me. Throwing me up in the air and seeing how I'm going to land. Now I think that maybe the world is just trying to remind that it hasn't forgotten that I'm here.

Not the Same

I've had this same thought many times before, but I always seem to forget.

Sex really just isn't the same when it is with someone you don't have any emotional feelings for. I don't know if it is possible to have actually zero feelings what so ever, but at least not in the romantic way. I think that I forget that until I have sex with someone that I actually care about and see how different and how much more fun it is. Sometimes it just seems mechanical when you don't care, it still does its purpose, but there is nothing left to feel after.

It's kind of weird that I could ever forget such a basic idea, and I'm sure I will again.

And In Not So Deep Other News...

I have a great living situation at the moment. I pay a little under half of the rent and my roommate is never home. I've lived in this apartment for nearly 4 months and I think he has been here maybe a total of 5 nights. He travels a ton for work so I basically have the place to myself. Every now and then he has a friend or two that stays here because they are in town working, most of them are dancers. Over the course of the last couple weeks I was reminded or exactly why there are zero 18 year old dancers in my life. My roommate told two of his friends that they could stay in his room for 2 weeks while they trained for the upcoming Janet Jackson tour and I figured fine, no biggie. I personally know that when I am a house guest I am on my best behavior and especially when I am staying somewhere for free. Over the course of the two weeks various things got under my skin and I allowed them to just blow over as I was staying at a friends place most of the time anyways.

1. The bathroom became increasingly dirty by the day. Product and hair tools thrown all over the bathroom and hair covering the sink, floor, shower, and toilet. Also, unfamiliar hair appeared on my electric razor.

2. Pretty much every time I came home I would find the lights on, air conditioner at full blast, and/or, the tv on and NO ONE HOME. I'm not a HUGE green person, but come on. Also, it is very obvious that I recycle, there are containers to the left of the sink in the kitchen for both plastic and cardboard. So why was I finding the garbage filled with water bottles and cereal boxes? And further more, half filled take-out containers of food just sitting out all night.

3. One night I came home around midnight and found my apartment door unlocked and unhinged. I was able to just push it right open, to a breezy air conditioned empty apartment. This is New York City, who leaves a door open? Granted, I live in a nice doorman building and no one can get up without calling first, but anyone else that lives in the building could easily have come in and cleaned the place out.

4. The few times that I did stay here over the two weeks I was woken up at 9am to one of the dancers singing at the top of her lungs in the shower. One of the few conversations that we had included her telling me that Lady GaGa is the top selling musical artist and has sold over 8 BILLION albums. When I tried to correct her and assumed she meant MILLION I was told that I was wrong and it was surely 8 BILLION. The population of the Earth is just under 7 BILLION, I'm pretty sure not EVERYONE on Earth has one or more Lady GaGa albums.

5. As the week closed I was very happy to come home to an empty apartment, granted, there was garbage sitting in the kitchen, left over take-out food in the fridge (which was a step up from just sitting out), hair all over the bathroom and of course the tv and air conditioner on in my roommates room. Oh Oh, but they did happen to make his bed before they left, bravo.

6. That evening, happy to have my apartment to myself, I go to brush my teeth and behold, they took the full tube of toothpaste that I had just bought. Are you fucking kidding me?

7. This morning I also noticed that my USB to Firewire cable that I always leave in the same place is also gone. I may have misplaced it, but I doubt it. It isn't even the price as much as it is the fact that now I have to go out of my way to buy another one.

Now I am no longer 18, maybe I've forgotten what it feels like to be 18? I know that now as an "adult" I wouldn't do these things, but maybe I'm expecting too much from 18 year old performers that are staying in a luxury NYC apartment for free? And it is probably more my fault for not saying anything to them while they were staying here, I could have easily just asked them to not be loud in the morning, not use my razor, recycle, and to pick up after themselves, but should I really have to?



PLEASE NOTE, THAT IS NOT MY BATHROOM. :-)

Moving and Running

A few months ago I had my mind set on moving away from New York City and starting my life over again. Again. One of the closest people in my life offered up the advice that I was maybe running away from the life I had created and just wanted to leave my problems behind. I said she was wrong, that I just thought I could be happier in the California sun. As life would work and play out, road blocks fell and stopped me from leaving the city. One road block fell and kept me for a month, then a light at the end of the tunnel and that road block faded. Then another fell and now I'm working through that. Just as I thought I saw another light at the end of the tunnel, another block falls. At this point I feel like I'm just grasping for strings and have no idea where to go or what to do. I keep thinking that there has to be some reason that I'm here in the city, that something has to be lined up for me, I refuse to think that everything doesn't have a reason. I just wish that this "thing" would become more clear because I'm really tired, I'm tired of running towards every light and thinking it is the answer, or something I've been waiting for. As another light fades and another block falls I find myself spinning in circles and again I just want to run away and leave. Start over. I'm so frustrated that I just want to sit and be left alone. I want blocks to stop falling and I want lights to stop shinning, I want to just "be", whatever that even means.

I sometimes wish that I was less emotional, or that I just cared a little bit less about everything. I'm so good at looking like there is nothing going on inside, usually because there is too much.

So maybe my friend was right, maybe I do just want to run away. Maybe I just want to start over and not have to know anyone again. Maybe I just want to drop everything I'm carrying and block it all out. I want to run because I don't know how to move past things anymore. I'm so tired of trying to move past everything and be the bigger person. I'm just tired.



You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere

Anyplace is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we'll make something
But me myself I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car
And I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We won't have to drive too far
Just 'cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

You see my old man's got a problem
He live with the bottle that's the way it is
He says his body's too old for working
I say his body's too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody's got to take care of him
So I quit school and that's what I did

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
And we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still ain't got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You'll find work and I'll get promoted
We'll move out of the shelter
Buy a big house and live in the suburbs
You got a fast car
And I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I'd always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans I ain't going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so you can fly away
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight or live and die this way

New Furniture Doesn't Let You Down

He was so hurt by his past that he didn't want to even give it a chance. He didn't want to let anything possibly unknown into his life, so he bought himself a new rug and a love seat. Those two pieces of furniture were unable to hurt him and he didn't have to worry about letting them down. They were good enough to keep him happy and safe, so who was I to tell him he was wrong?

Drop

I started what I thought was going to be a great entry, got a few sentences in and now I can't get anything out. My head feels full from notes that I've taken all night and now I'm not finding any release.

I had a realization today that I am constantly waiting for the ball to drop. I am constantly waiting for good things to end and I assume that nothing can really be as great as it feels. I think this comes from growing up in a house where I was always ready and waiting for the next argument. I was always anticipating the next bad thing that was going to happen and how I was going to try and fix it or make it go away. Every morning I would wake up and try to make sure no one fought on the way to school. After school I'd rush home and again try to keep everyone calm and collected. At night I hated going to sleep before everyone else because I felt as though I had to be in constant control and make sure everyone was okay. I've been doing this for so long that I do it now without even thinking. I am always anticipating the next bad thing to happen and forgetting about what I'm doing at the time. This makes me wonder how many great moments I've missed because I've been locked in anxiety and trying to save the world.

Because I am usually waiting for the next bad thing, I make mountains out of mole hills and many times I look for problems when there are none. At this point I am trying to fix things before they are even broken and in turn breaking them myself. It really hadn't dawn on me that I do these things until earlier today and suddenly it all seemed so clear, my past, my present, and the root of this way of thinking. I think that because I grew up feeling so much anxiety now it almost feels like "home" to be standing in turmoil.

There are certain moments that I wish I could make last forever, but in concentrating on what you want to last, you miss all the great moments that come after. You can't hold onto anything, so why do I try so hard to do just that?

Evolution of a Man

Over the last year I've changed a ton and grown into a man that I am more proud of. I trust myself more then I ever have before and I have more power and belief in myself. I'm on the brink of doing things that I never thought I'd ever really be able and ready to do.

Of the many changes that I see within myself one of them is how I relate and handle my "relationships" with people. A lot of things that once got to me just don't anymore, and I enjoy a lot of things that I never would have been comfortable with before. In my opinion a lot of this is because of the faith and growth I've experienced, I feel like a more secure man, a more secure person in this world. I don't feel like I live on such emotionally shaky ground and I've stopped looking to other people to make me happy. In a lot of ways I've started to not only listen to myself more but to also listen to other people as well. I've grown into more acceptance of myself and there for into accepting other people for who they really are and not what I want them to be. There is a really powerfully emotional change in yourself when you can like everything about someone even if you don't agree with everything about them.

Not too long ago, earlier today, I had someone ask me what "psycho" things I've done when seeing someone. In that moment I really had to think, but as I sit alone in my apartment thinking it becomes ridiculously funny for me to think of the many things I've done. One of my largest flaws that really loves to show it's head when I'm insecure is that I get needy. I turn into a child and want to why and how come about everything. Since I have become a more secure man I am much better at controlling these urges. As much as I would like to lie and say that the urges don't exist, that would be a lie. Part of growth and change though is realizing where you have areas that you want to work on. I don't think anyone necessarily "needs" to "change" anything about themselves, but if you want to, you have to recognize what the problem is first. Because i've let the neediness take over me in the past I've definitely found myself looking like the psycho.

In the past I used to always find myself telling people what they needed to change about themselves. I was very quick to judge and tell them everything that they needed to add up to if they expected me to stick around. What person in their right mind would want to stay with someone already measuring them up? I think i was looking for someone to pick up everything I had left off and to some how "complete" me. Essentially telling the person, I need A, B, and C, and I need you to fit into them, NOW. I type this now with a smile, mainly because over the last year I've learned that everything I thought I needed seems so irrelevant.

I'm at a point where I still have negative relationship "deal breakers" pop up and I simply take a deep breath and ground myself. If anything, I have learned from my mistakes and I'm glad that I made them to begin with. Right now I am questioning my idea of what makes a "good" relationship actually "good". Being raised in middle class mid west America I have been programed that a happy home consists of a wife, husband, cat, dog, 2 cars, and 2.5 children. I wonder now, what would really make me happy? What would make Thomas wake up every morning in a relationship and be content with it? I do believe that one of the many keys to a good relationship is making a pact with your partner, a pact based on honesty, respect, and a choice to a certain degree. Everyday is not going to be roses and sunshine. I never want to go to sleep angry at the person I am with, I don't want to wake up angry, I'd just rather talk about things and take it from there. For so long in the past I've kept things bottled up and just waited for them to explode. And they always explode, you can't keep things hidden forever, life doesn't work that way.

Recently I've been questioning my belief on non-committed relationships. I've always thought that I was someone that could never handle something like that, I'm by far too jealous or maybe too insecure. I think instinctually as a man I want to "own" things, I want them to belong to me, but what beauty is in that? I think part of being with someone is wanting them to grow and expand, having a front seat to the beauty of a full show. Also, instinctually as a man, I/we want to have sex. It is a some what mechanical experience when emotions aren't involved, and emotions have definitely not been involved in every sexual experience I've ever had. With more then 50% percent of marriages ending, there has to be something missing? There has to be something that needs to change, what is the next evolutionary change in relationships? I wonder if now that I am more secure and more understanding of my needs and others, could I handle a change in my mind set? I'm honestly really confused with my thoughts because I've alway just had these ideas. Shouldn't a loving relationship be more based on honesty, trust, and respect then about a list of rules, things you are and are not allowed to do? How and where does one know to draw the lines? Are there no lines? I think that health would have to be a line, I wouldn't want to do anything that could harm my partner physically and/or emotionally. Is monogamy outdated?

Over the last year I've grown tremendously and because of this I am excited to see what the next year will bring as well.

Tracklist

I'm back.

I feel pressure over the top part of my chest, like a weight pressing down on my heart. My feet are aching from walking home and then to the 42nd street pier. At almost 1 am I felt the need to get out of my apartment and to walk. The only place in this city where you can leave your apartment and find silence is where the water presses against the island walls. We have to beaches in New York City, but i wish that tonight I would have been able to walk along the sand and feel waves crash against my feet.

Finding a bench at the furthest part out I sat and looked down over the edge at the unmoving water. It was peaceful like rippling glass. I wish we could see stars from the ground in New York, but for the most part they are covered by clouds or smog or the lights from building tops. I used to have access to the rooftop of my old apartment building. Sometimes at night I would go up there with beer or wine and just sit there starring up at the stars, at the clouds, listening to the horns and sirens that would fill the night. I've always wanted to make love under the stars, in the stars, with the stars.

The world only makes sense to me when I am outside at night with just my thoughts. These are usually the moments where I have the least thoughts, where I am the most at peace. As much as I love the peace of being quiet and alone, nothing compares to the peace I feel after giving a great performance. Although the two are very different they are also very much the same. Both situations leave you breathless and out of your head. I have to stop judging myself and honer my emotions more. I think it's funny that honer looks like boner when you read it quick.

I'm back.

My right arm has the shakes and it is holding sadness for me. I feel sad inside right now and my arm has decided that it wants to take care of it for me. I can feel it moving into my shoulder and my chest. My lips start to quiver and then it hits my eyes. Single tears.

Just like that the emotion is gone because I decided to fully acknowledge it and not hide it.

I don't think of myself as a sad person, but it does seem to be a lot of fuel for me creatively. Pretty much any really intense emotion seems to be fuel for me but the ones I seem to feel the most intensely are sadness, anger, happiness, and fear. Although 3 of those 4 seem like "bad" emotions, I'm learning to not put them in categories. There are no "good" and "bad" emotions. Emotions remind us that we are alive, that we are living, breathing, experiencing and human.

I'm back.

I feel tension in my feet. My toes are pointed up and waiting for me to relax them and tell them that everything is alright. It is, my feet can relax because I'm not running anywhere. I am okay with where I am, right here, right now, sitting on my couch and in this moment.

Taking Flight

Via text message this morning my intriguing sister asked me if I was already up because I had signed onto facebook at 9am. Yes, I was awake and actually by that time throwing my laundry in to be done. She told me that her and her daughter had just gone for a morning bike ride in a thunderstorm. I could instantly picture my niece half laughing and half crying, sometimes I think she gets confused on what emotion she feels and just does both. Which isn't that far off from what I do as well. I'm finding that more and more a lot of emotions are very closely related. I'm not talking love/hate, because that is so cliche and I don't feel that way. I can envision my sister telling G (my niece), that she needs to peddle and both of them going at top speed as the rain falls. My niece would be yelling for my sister to slow down and wait for her, but be trying her hardest to keep up.

My niece is 6, and it was about that time when I started biking with my father. Sometimes both of my sisters, my father and me would all go for long rides down the back dirt roads of the town I'm from. We would ride hours and every now and then we would be able to ride along some of the main "paved" roads. Most of the time my father would stop by a lake to look for fish, stop in the woods to look for deer prints, or to talk to someone we would run into. My father can talk to anyone about anything for hours. As a kid this is torture, as an adult when we go places it is still torture. I remember many nights riding the bikes around dusk, the wind in my face as we would try to speed down hills at top speed. Every now and then trying to extend my arms out to the side to feel what it might feel like to fly.

When I was a preteen I would spend 1 week a year at a church camp. I was a dorky kid and for the most part that week was spent being teased and made fun of for being different. My family didn't have a ton of money, so my clothing was never as new or brand name as the other kids, I didn't want to play sports, and I spent most of that week trying to be invisible. Out of the many weeks I spent at that camp I can really only think of two times that I actually had a good time. One of them being woken up in the middle of the night, and my cabin being taken outside to play games. One of the things we did was run across a field in the open cold night. I ran as if the world was falling apart at my feet, my hands flying out to my sides, my legs kicking so fast that I forgot I was moving at all. This is what flying was supposed to feel like. With my eyes closed I could see and feel my body lifting off the ground, I was rising above the trees that lined the field, my toes brushing past the tops of the leaves, I was above the world looking down. Eventually you have to open your eyes and the world collides with you again. The world will always collide with you again, it is unavoidable.

In an acting class I am currently taking we are learning about allowing your body to have full emotions and not cutting them off. We have learned that when you decide you only want to feel an emotion up to a 5 (for example, on a scale of 1-10), then you are not only cutting all that emotion off, but all of your emotions. You can't expect to only feel certain emotions to one degree and feel others higher. As an artist I love to feel things, even when they are shitty, because it makes me feel alive. I'm not saying that everything either needs to feel like a win or a lose, a birth or a death, but what's the point in stopping yourself from feeling anything?

In this life time I believe that I am here to have all my dreams come true, to fall in love and to learn to be happy. I am here to enjoy all the simple little moments and be content with the things I have.

I may never be able to run across a field with my arms out and lift off the ground, but I will fly.

"I want to be naked running through the streets
I want to invite this so called chaos that you'd think I dare not be
I want to be weightless flying through the air
I want to drop all these limitations at the shoes upon my feet"
-Alanis Morissette 'so-called chaos'

Damaged Goods

I feel like damaged goods.

I feel broken and unfixable. Today is one of those days where I find myself asking, "why" and question after question floods my busy mind. I can't relax and I'm not sure what's beating more, my heart, my head, or me on myself. My chest is rising and falling but each breath seems to come slower then the last. I'm aching inside and I don't know how to make it rest and pass. I try to be honest and open, as much as I possibly can, but every time I have this fear of falling fast. My mind is a jumbled mess that I don't know how to begin to unravel, I'm stuck in this mind filled with unrequited babble.

I feel like damaged goods.
I feel like damaged goods.
I feel like damaged goods.

Full

My brain feels full. I tried to clean it out, but nothing is flowing how I'd like it to.

Voyeur

In December the last of my grandmothers passed away. In June my family is gathering over the graves of my grandfather and my uncle, both of which I never met, to spread her ashes. Someone asked me the other day if that was what my grandma wanted, and I can only assume yes, I never asked. I am thinking this is my fathers idea, or that she had told him. I do believe that it is what my grandma would have wanted, or does want. Often I've wondered if the spirits of loved ones stay with us, or when you're dead are you just dead? Gone. I don't feel my grandma here at all, I've never gotten a cold breeze or had something fly in front of my face to let me know she is with me. one might think that this is sad, but I actually find that it makes me smile. My grandma spent a large chunk of her life alone, as she wanted. So, why would she want to stay after her death? I do believe that she is somewhere better, or at least some place where she isn't carrying the pain she once did anymore.

With this gathering my semi-estranged aunt will also be making her return to my home town. We have been keeping in touch a bit over the last six months or so, but before that there were years that passed with not as much as a phone call. I was very happy to receive a phone call from her on my birthday, the best gift I was given this year. That and a camera phone photo of my fish Margaret that one of my friends has been taking care of for me. Earlier this week I had a great conversation with someone that I'm very much enjoying getting to know and at one point we were speaking about family and the tension that is carried between members of the same clan over time. For years I spent energy distancing myself from my family and only over the past few years have I really put the extra effort into getting to know them. It is one of the best things I've ever done. I don't know exactly what it was that was holding us apart but maybe sometimes you just need space? It started in high school when I got my first car and lasted until just two years or so ago. Now one of my sisters is my best friend but it takes work and effort to really mend a broken bridge. The relationships that I have with my family now are awesome, I wish i could have had the same ones growing up but then maybe it wouldn't have been so easy for me to leave home. Over the last few months I've been trying to call my aunt every do often just to check in and at first it was awkward, but now it's much easier. To get a phone call from her on my birthday almost made me cry. I really am someone that loves the little things in life. As much as I want a huge house as an adult, I'd rather have a smaller one filled with love. Yes, I realize how corny that sounds but I'm kind of a corny guy.

In June I will be traveling back to my home town to let the final pieces of my grandma find the Earth for one last time. Every time I think of her I think of The Price is Right with a smile and of course my favorite game Plenko (I probably spelled that wrong). I think of her huge dog Madison, mystery novels, how she hated mice and my sister chasing her around the yard with a dead mouse. I have no idea what her favorite food was but I know her favorite candy was chocolate covered cherries and the cookies that come in the blue tin. Her skin was soft and felt like paper to the touch, cotton candy swirls of white hair and country western movies blaring from the tv.

If I was to die tonight and given the option of stay or go, I would stay, but who would I choose to follow? I've always been one to enjoy watching people, I've always been a voyeur.

And That's Awesome

I feel anxiety in my stomach
And that's awesome
I feel pain in my heart
And that's awesome
I feel a tickle in my throat
And that's awesome
I feel a tingle in my hands
And that's awesome
I feel a grin on my face
And that's awesome
I feel a smile on my face
And that's awesome
I feel a lightness in my stomach
And that's awesome
I feel a laugh jumping out of my mouth
And that's awesome
I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders
And that's awesome
I feel calm in my nerves
And that's awesome
I feel empowered through my body
And that's awesome.
I'm back.

Childhood Strobe-light

I'm not sure how the time line of my life flows. I see images as if I'm watching a scene in front of my face where a strobe-light flashes only allowing me to see portions at a time. Each image is a memory, a story, but I'm not sure how they flow together or in what order they run. From the ages of 5 and 15 everything seems like a streak of color. A blur. I know there are events, but I might as well simply write them on pieces of paper and tack them to a line with my eyes close. Whatever order they happened to line up in may as well be the truth.

I've been trying to write about my childhood and my parents divorce. I simply see images and hear noises in my head. I remember a line of dialogue or I see a toy I once had and hear something in the distance. At times it feels like I'm wondering down a dark hallway and desperately trying to find a light switch. Every now and then when I was growing up we would lose electricity in the house. Instantly everything would go black and silent. I used to be terrified of silence and now I embrace it openly. Whenever the power would go out I'd be instantly dropped into a pool of anxiety, fear, I'd freeze and instantly start crying. When the lights would come back I'd run around the house as if a murder had been committed and I had to find the culprit. Even as a child I felt like I could easily be in control of everything, I was directing the flow of the world and any mishap on my watch was my fault.

After my parents divorce I stopped playing because I was afraid that any time I left a room things would happen that I couldn't control. I hated leaving my sisters in the same room as my mom without me because I knew how angry they were. I hated to be in the car because I had this irrational fear that someone was going to get angry, grab the wheel and plow the car off the road into the deep ditches that lined the roads around our house.

At a young age I learned to live with this feeling of constant anxiety. There was a period a few years ago where I basically stopped eating because sitting at a table brought back too many arguments in my head. Even eating now at times makes me sick.

The only guidance I can remember getting growing was "give it to God". As if any problem in the world could simply be prayed about and all would be taken care of. I wonder why God never took my anxiety or let me know everything was going to be ok. It's funny, everything really does end up being ok.

Sometimes I still feel like the child standing in the dark waiting for the lights to come on. Most of the time now I'm able to find the switch though and nothing makes the lights come back on like silence.

"Because I Can't Not"

In this week I have been told that my writing is narcissistic and by another told that I write with my heart on my sleeve. I am both, locked in my head and constantly thinking along with being very open and I do wear my heart on my sleeve. Until recently I would have never admitted that I do such a thing, but I'm not sure why. What in my head tells me that doing so is a negative thing. Why do I choose to have such a rough exterior. Simply put, one could say that I am willing, but scared, only willing to a point.

In a recent conversation with a friend over mexican food, I was asked by to say "You have a great relationship, why can't I, why can't I find someone too?" Granted, there are circumstances that surround this conversation that I'm unable to really talk about at this time, but I didn't want to say it. I did end up saying it, bluntly, emotionless, lifeless. My fear was that someone would see this and think that I am weak, unable to take care of myself, needy. Why am I afraid to admit that I would actually like to be in a relationship? What is it that clicks in my head and makes me equate a want of someone else in my life to share things with and weakness? I don't feel as though I NEED someone, but what if I did? Would that also make me weak?

In relationships, I like the quiet moments, I like cuddling. I enjoy moments where things don't need to be said. I enjoy saturday nights watching horror movies, eating popcorn and I love to eat at Dallas BBQ. One day I would like a house with a white picket fence, children, a backyard with a tree house and family dinners. I hate to admit it because I feel as though I could have anything in the world that I want, but I actually want the "American Dream", or rather, my dream.

Central Park

Over the past 7 years in NYC I've visited Central Park for many different reasons and I've done a million different things there.

I've smoked pot and ate sushi on the rocks, read the Harry Potter series, drank beer while catching up with an old friend, had picnics, and even taken a paddle boat ride on a first date. I've never played frisbee in the park, although I'd like to. I filmed one of my first student films in the park by the Alice in Wonderland statue, and a boy told me that he loves me in Shakespeare's castle.

When I was a child we visited NYC and one of the places we went to see was Shakespeare's castle, I remember vividly looking out at the roof tops and seeing the city. I remember thinking that one day I would live there, one day I'd be able to come to the castle. I pictured myself just sitting and thinking. I sit and think a lot.

Last fall I went to the park with my friends to watch The Wizard of Oz, we stuffed out faces and ended up sitting on the ground outside of the arena because we showed up to late to get in. We should have brought wine, but we didn't.

My friend T and I went to the park one night in the early morning, 3am. We sat on a hill and smoked a coupled joints, we talked about nothing and everything. It's a memory that has almost no point, but I cherish it and that time spent with him.

When I actually stand back from my head and think about the park, there are a million memories, but it seems that every time I enter the park I am most simply drawn back to an experience a couple years ago in which I went on a date in the park. We walked and talked for what felt like hours and still like no time at all. I think it was in that walk that I started to truly fall for him. I remember fondly a moment in which he stopped, stepped in my path and just pulled me in for a kiss. It was like the world went silent for seconds.. I stepped back and smiled, looked at my feet and then continued to walk. He took my hand and we walked for a long time through spinning stones.

I hate that the first thought I have of the park is this memory. I want it to fade and I want to not feel saddened when I enter the park. I sometimes love and sometimes hate how much my mind holds onto things. It is as though I am in control of myself, but only to a point. Maybe it is the fact that I hold onto such memories that makes me who I am?

I do sit and think a lot, I am always thinking. People ask me a lot why I don't smile more, and it isn't that I'm sad, it is that I'm thinking. The next time you are really deep in thought, think about the expression on your face. I've thought about responding to these people that I don't even know who ask, give them the truth, they'd probably get more then they bargained for. And that moment, it might make me smile. :-)

Adult Play Time

"We like to watch you laughing" -MGMT 'kids'

I wish that every morning I would wake up with as much enthusiasm and excitement as I am today. I slept so badly last night just because I couldn't wait for today to get here. Now it is here and I'm writing because it's nice to write when I'm happy sometimes too and not being overly introspective.

I have a large scale audition this afternoon and I am totally excited for it. I'm slightly nervous but not like I used to get. I think that I'm actually starting to trust myself more and my choices. I'd starting to actual live when I act and not allow it to feel forced or fake. Maybe I just needed a little time for all my training to drop in and solidify. Along with that, I feel a ton more confident then I even did 6 months ago with everything in my life.

I have heart, I have courage, I have a brain, and there is no place like home. :-)

Love,
The Corny Man of Oz

Resistance

I am sometimes amazed by my resistance to let go of certain memories. The few simple notes of even one song can bring back smells, sights, feelings, and complete stories. I attach a song to everyone that has ever been in my life. Everyone has a chorus, a break, a beginning, middle and for many an end. This attachment of songs to human relationships leads me to wonder what part of these relationships are part of actuality, part in my head, and part coming from a song? Do the songs I attach to people simply become things that I wish had existed, but stories that never did?

I like that I attach songs to people, it's so easy to take myself back to the history and to write from it. It is easy for me to get emotional and remember every thought that was in my head at the time. I only attach songs to people though, never situations. Today I was writing about the first time I slept with someone that I didn't care about. I remember specifically that I slept with the person because I wanted to know what it felt like to sleep with someone that I didn't care about. I had only slept with three people for that and I had been dating those three people. I had thought that I was in love, and I wanted to know what sex, just sex felt like. So I did, I slept with someone for the first time just because I could, because I had no reason not to. I remember how disappointed I was after, not disappointed because it had been bad, but disappointed because it didn't feel that different at all. I had expected that perhaps I would hate it, feel raped, be mad at myself, or even sad, but I wasn't. I can remember every thought in my head, but i can't remember what song I had been listening to that day.

Oddly enough, I remember that time I had sex with more detail then i do even the first time I had actual sex.

Health Food

Everyday I have the best of intentions when it comes to writing. Unfortunately not everyday am I able to come to a blank anything and throw myself out onto it. This is frustrating beyond belief. In my mind I expect myself to begin at one sitting and get up with a finished product. I expect my first try to be my only try. This, of course, only blocks me. I am afraid to make a mistake, there for I cut myself off from the beginning. I end up decapitating myself before I've even gotten a word in at all.


This week I reconnected with a friend that I really haven't spoken to in a while. He has a tendency to come and go in my life. He comes around and then he disappears with no contact, no response, nothing. Then suddenly, as if out of nowhere he appears again. I always know what the story is though. He goes on meth binges. He was the first friend I had in New York outside of school and I still consider him to be one of my best friends. I have this fear in the back of my mind that one of these times when I don't hear back from him, that I am never going to again.

Not Every Sex Story is Not Going to be Fun

For the last week I've been working hard at putting together my book of dating and sex stories. I cringe when people assume it is anything like Sex and the City. It is not. This has been a goal of mine for some time and I've slowly been working at it. Only recently has it become a real true vision in my head and something I see as tangible.

For the most part it has been very fun for me, very informative, even for myself. It's interesting to see how I actually work in situations and how they turn out. It's interesting for me to actually admit that I am a little crazy. I am totally delusional about certain people in my past, present and probably future. I don't see this as weakness, I just see it. I like to assume that I am as real to certain people as they have been to me. I am not. I have a strong tendency to ignore things about people that I don't like and make up things that I want to believe. I always think that I can stare into someone's eyes and know their life story. This isn't true. But I am convinced that I can feel someone else's skin through their eyes.

Today I wrote about a story that actually tugs at my heart. I found myself confessing to a love that I hid from even myself. I found myself exploring the thought process of what goes through my head when I kiss someone I care about. I picture the future in detail, things I can't possibly know. I live in a fairy tale in my head.

I have to stop sleeping with people that are in relationships.

To the Blank Page

One of my friends and I recently had a conversation about coming to a blank page and feeling as though you have to be in a certain mood to write. I know that this isn't necessarily true, but partially for sure. I think that is depends on what you want to write about. I don't think that in any mood what so ever I could sit down and write about whatever I wanted to. As in at this moment, I'd like to continue and write on the project that I have been, but I can't seem to find the words within myself. The blank document in my Word programs stares at me and haunts me for moments and I can't seen to attack it. To shut my computer is to say that the document won. To go to the gym, eat more, watch tv, and etc, all point to the same fact of walking away.

Today I refuse to let this blank page stare me down and win. I refuse to be over thrown by a document without a name and it will have a name, as soon as I give it one.

Basket Case

This song has been on repeat on my iPhone for a while. I think it actually describes me pretty well.

Basket Case by Green Day

Do you have the time
To listen to me whine
About nothing and everything
All at once
I am one of those
Melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone
No doubt about it

Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid?
Am I just stoned?

I went to a shrink
To analyze my dreams
She says it's lack of sex
That's bringing me down
I went to a whore
He said my life's a bore
So quit my whining cause
It's bringing her down

Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid?
Uh, yuh, yuh, ya

Grasping to control
So I better hold on

Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid?
Am I just stoned?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUTGr5t3MoY

Memories

As I jump further and further into my past to bring it into the future, I notice there is more and more there then I had ever expected.

I'm finding myself tearing up at the thought of a beautiful boys eyes looking at me. I find myself searching for memories that are sometimes so unclear that I'm not sure if they ever really existed or if just the haze of the idea of them existing at all.

I am constantly surprised by the emotional sparks that I find in myself with memories that I was sure had been put in my past.

Sometimes painful, but even in that I find this beautiful release that makes it all worth it.

3 Days of Falling

"Today is the greatest day I've ever known" -Smashing Pumpkins

I'm sure that I have quoted that song a million times on this blog. If not, then I have thought of it at least a million times. Not too long ago I saw an interview will Bill Corgan and he spoke about how when he wrote "today" he was living in a storage unit and he wrote it as a joke. It was the most depressing time of his life and the song was supposed to be ironic in sorts.

Today I am more grateful for my friends then I think I have been in a very long time. Sometimes I take them granted, and sometimes I don't give them the attention and care that they need and deserve. At times I also don't give myself the attention and care that I need. Life has been coasting by lately and I haven't really been taking the time to smell the roses and really immerse myself in the world.

Recently I've been emotionally detached and uncomfortable in my own skin.

I easily emotionally detach myself from things so that they are easier to deal with. Lately I have been lonely. I've been having sex, but not the kind that really counts. The kind where you actually want the person to stay the night. The kind where you love to cuddle and wish the morning would never come. It's been a long time since I've felt that way about another person. I don't want a relationship just to have one, in fact, I am totally fine being single. I love being single. But, lately its been snowing in NYC, doesn't romance always seem a little more necessary when it snows? Doesn't it require some sort of organic love energy?

In my new apartment I live on the 28th floor, just outside of Time Square. Two of my wall in my bedroom are all windows, floor to ceiling. I have a breath taking view of Manhattan. Yesterday I woke up and the sky was so filled with snow that I could hardly see the streets below. The people walking with their umbrellas were basically invisible. Flakes of snow fell with the speed of light and crashed to the streets. Huge flakes, so large that I could almost make out the formation of the snow from where my head rested on my pillow. It's moments like that where I wonder if the snow would be more beautiful if someone were laying next to me. It's moments like that where I smile to myself. Although I love the idea of someone watching the sky with me, I am content with myself watching the sky. It's moment like this where I know that my sky is limitless and that this moment just now, this moment, it's just the beginning. And the next moment can be whatever I want it to be.

I can be whatever I want to be.

Spinning

I've had so much spinning around in my head recently, it feels like a whirlwind of life flying before me. I don't mind. In fact, I'd rather be too busy then not busy at all. I'm definitely someone that likes to have a lot of projects going on at the same time. The trick though I've found, is actually finishing them. I have a tendency to get things half done and then move onto the next. This is going to stop now.

I have been working on writing a bunch of short stories recently in hopes of having them published in the near future. They are coming along pretty well, and I'm actually really excited to be working on them. It's semi crazy to think that one day someone might actually read the stories about me and know more then perhaps I even want them to. But, if you aren't open and free, how can anyone relate with you at all? I feel that the most influential people in media are the ones that you can relate with and feel some common ground. I wish we could all be more open and exposed. The world would by far be more interesting. What would happen if we all decided to share our stories and experiences?

At moments in writing I find myself thinking about what my family, friends, co-workers, and people I don't even know might say or think. Those are moments where I close my eyes, and type faster, typing for myself, because that is actually who I am writing for. I'm writing because I have to get it out of my head, I have to get it out of my body and at the moment it seems that if I don't, I might burst. I feel as though sometimes I have to constantly be sharing and releasing or I go crazy in my head.

I'd rather have my head working too much instead of not working at all.

Spinning, my head is spinning. I'm trying to keep in under control, but I love the feeling of losing control. So spin away.

Hmmmm

Some things are just not worth it.

And so life goes on.