A Capacity to Love

I’ve lived in NYC for the past apx 4 years. I’m not counting the first year in a half because I was living up in Westchester with my ex.  We broke up somewhere between November and January of 04-05.  I say somewhere in between there because it all seems like such a blur.  I was a complete and total mess for months on end. I was emotionally needy, vulnerable and alone, seemingly, in the middle of NYC. I moved out of his apartment and into my own on Lexington and 23^rd. I was going to school just a few blocks from there, but I didn’t have a ton of friends in school yet, just a couple. And those few definitely touched and changed my life for the better. There was a girl that lived in my dorm building and she would listen to me cry and bitch and moan countless times. We would make popcorn in the microwave that I had snuck into my dorm room, which was roughly the size of a shoebox.  Also I had a friend that lived a few blocks away, and we would hang all the time for a more carefree environment. It was exactly what I needed.

The first guy I “dated” to any capacity after my ex was beautiful. Visually. He looked like a Ken doll, something out of a magazine. He was completely different then anyone I had ever meet before. Beautiful, out going, loud, drunk, obnoxious, a 9-5er. Him being the first person I dated after a long-term relationship, well, he was dead at the take off. I remember when we stopped seeing each other; I unleashed Hell that was clearly not his. At the time it seemed perfect and well deserved, looking back at it now, I just laugh.  We’ve actually tried to “date” on various occasions since then, and we have nothing in common. It’s funny because we are attracted to each other, but beyond that, there’s not a lot there.

Over the last four years, I’ve dated a lot of people for a few weeks, a few months, nothing too serious. This isn’t for a lack of trying, but I didn’t think that “dating” as an adult would be so difficult. I find that usually once a year I fall head over feet over someone. The kind where you instantaneously want to be around the person all the time, where your toes tingle and your stomach turns. You can’t think of the right things to say, but all you want is to be around them, in their presence.  This had hit me exactly 3 times in the last 4 years.

I’m finding that there is a huge difference between “dating” someone you think is a nice person, and someone that you sincerely can’t get enough of. I wouldn’t say that this really means falling in love, but it makes you vulnerable and happy and sick and beautiful all at the same time.

The first person to really make me feel this way just happened to walk into the bar that I was working at one day. I remember lifting a glass, pouring from a bottle, and just having this feeling come over me that I needed to look up and face the door. I did, and that was where he stood. He was with a group of people and it was almost like this kinetic force that made me stare. He was wearing a dark blue hoodie and faded jeans. I gave him and his friend’s drinks my entire shift, then ended up going out to s few bars with them. Him eventually asking to take me out to dinner sometime, of which of course I said yes.  He was drunk, coked up, and I don’t honestly know if he even remembers any of that first meetings.  (One would think this would be the first step to walking away).  We met for dinner one night, chatted the entire time about books and our favorite authors.  We didn’t kiss until our third date, after he has asked me at dinner if it were ok. I still made him wait until after dinner. This continued on for a bit and eventually we stopped talking. I’m not sure exactly what happened to be honest. I’ve placed the pieces together over time and I have a pretty clear story, but at the time I was too proud to ask. So I just walked away.  At times I still wonder, but I see him, and I never ask.

The second was this guy that much like the Ken doll, can be loud, and obnoxious. He wears funny clothing that always makes me smile. I can’t put a moment on the first time I met him, but he handed me his acting card head shot and told me we should have lunch to talk about the school I was attending because he was going to be going there as well. We ended up having lunch at an equinox gym and hanging out. He was with his then current boyfriend at the time and really nothing happened. We would get drunk and end up cuddling, but nothing else. It was cute the way he would always feel guilty in the morning, but still lay in bed for another hour. His then boyfriend was out of the state and had been for weeks. They were in the process of breaking up, which had nothing to do with me, but doesn’t fully clear my name as well. A few weeks later, it was late at night, we hadn’t spoken in a few days and I was invited over. Before I knew it, he kissed me… It was our first kiss, and although I don’t know the first moment I met him, I remember the first kiss like it were yesterday. After words, I asked what had changed and he told me that they had finally broken up. For the next month or so we were inseparable. It seemed as if every single night and day was spent with him. It was in late November when it really hit him that he needed to be alone for a while. This, of course, isn’t what I wanted to hear, and we didn’t talk for months. I completely blocked him out and acted as if he didn’t exist. I ignored him to his face and behind his back. Now we are pretty close and I enjoy talking to him and being friends. But for the small amount of time we spent together, I was tingling all over. We had a “date” night that we would both always dress up for and go it. It was cute, and I cherish the memories.

The third is still an enigma to me. I don’t have a clear story or an idea. I don’t have answers, and I just have questions. And I wait. I wait because everything eventually comes out in the wash. Eventually everything is answered, and eventually I’ll have a full story. This one is much more recent and there fore, I remember every detail. Every smell, every touch. It was again this kinetic energy that is unexplainable and heart breaking when it’s gone.

All of these instances were approximately a year apart from each other.  Perhaps I’m just a needy fall kind of guy. Every now and then I consider “settling” for someone. Someone that I just think is a nice guy, someone that I really don’t feel a huge connection with. And then I meet someone that I feel like has the power to shatter my world, and I run with it. Sometimes it blows up in my face, and sometimes I just let it fade away. And once in a while I just wait it out. The point being, it is an amazing feeling, and it is even more amazing to feel it and know you still have the capacity for it. That perhaps maybe you aren’t as bitter or feel as cheated as you once thought.

It’s amazing to know you still have the capacity to love.