Sometimes days seem to go on forever
There are moments where I forget what I'm living for
Hours that pass like minutes
And seconds that span for days
Sometimes I have no idea what I'm fighting for
And I loose sight of what matters
And I get locked into feeling like things matter that i know make no difference
I let people mean more to me then they deserve
I've spent days doing everything I should
And still felt like I was really doing nothing
I have days where I'm waitting for night
Sometimes my dreams just seem more appealing
I've been told I have a conetic energy
People just want to be around me
I wish I always felt the same way
I don't think I'm depressed
At least not all the time
But why is it that when you need it
It's the hardest to cry
I don't have a ton of questions for God
I assume most of the answers are quite simple
I hate when things get complicated
Either you do or you don't
You stay or you go
You want what you can't have
And you never try to grab things you actually need
I don't have a lot questions
Just a few simple needs
I need to stop losing sight of what matters
And I need to allow myself to be free.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
It's Starting to Rain
I’m pretty sure that people, for the most part, are everything they say they are not. I do not think I am necessarily an exception to the rule.
The more people I meet in this city, the more I find that everyone is composed of many brilliant thoughts, ideas and experiences. Somewhere in there everything gets cloudy and there is something in New York that has a tendency to suck people’s hearts away. I know this because there are times where I feel it in myself.
As a child I remember thinking and saying that I only ever wanted to have sex with one person my entire life. I think that this is a common thought process, more so when you grow up in the Midwest with a strong Christian background. At this point in my life, many years later, it would be impossible for me to live up to these expectations. At this point I’m able to draw a line between sex and emotion, so that they don’t necessarily have to exist within the same person. With that said, I’m not even saying that I want an open relationship, but more so that when I actually find both sides in one person, I am blindsided. I think that I have been more or less single for four years, and at this point, the thought of even having to take someone else’s emotions into consideration scares the fuck out of me. I have no idea what I want in a person, what I consider to make someone a good match. I run on emotions and this gets me into trouble. I find myself chasing after “everlasting butterflies”, and ideas of fantasy romance that don’t exist. Perhaps half of my problem is found in dating people that are either actors/models/dancers/ or unbelievably attractive. Granted, not everyone I date is a ten.
Sometimes at night I lie in bed and imagine myself in a fantasy relationship, one that works. I’ve been the type of guy in the past that has made blueberry pancakes for people in the morning, taken them their favorite candy to work, a simple flower, or taken then out of town simply to eat at their favorite restaurant. I imagine myself on a deck watching the sun fall, night enter. I imagine candle lit dinners, taxi rides at wee hours in the am. Something of comfort, safety and security. Maybe at some point in the future, a house in suburbia, a couple kids, and a white picket fence. I want to have a dog and a place that feels like home when I come to it at night. I am obsessed with the idea of falling in love.
I am so obsessed with the idea of falling in love that every time something doesn’t work out it feels as thought my heart is being ripped from my body. At least what’s left of my heart at this point. “And I could fall in love a million times before I die.” Alanis Morissette wrote a song called The Death of Cinderella, and sometimes I find it resting in my back pocket. I don’t know if I’ve never been in love, or if I fall in love all the time. Either way it feels empty, so what’s the difference?
I have people in my life telling me to slow down, to breathe, to enjoy the day, don’t get locked in tomorrow. I have a tattoo reminding me to always live in the moment. And it sounds much easier then it is. I try so hard sometimes to live in the moment, that I get locked in the moment. I forget to see everything that is going on around me, and I ignore what’s staring at me directly in the face. I constantly ignore all the signs that I am all too used to seeing. I think every time will be different then the last. I think that maybe today the other person will try harder, or be there more, or care, or need me. Along with being obsessed with being in love, I am obsessed with feeling like I am of need.
Is it possible that all of my relationship issues root from my parents? I refuse to think that things are that simple. But I know that I don’t want to be married to someone for sixteen years, wake up one day, and have it all explode in my face. I remember the first time that my father slept on the couch downstairs. It was Christmas time and he couldn’t even stand to be in the same room as my mother, my sisters and I as we decorated the tree. We always had huge Christmas tress, they would explode and expand all over the living room, engulf our gifts and this year, things were different. I don’t even remember if my parents were still living together for that Christmas. I believe that was the last year my mother had a real tree in our house though. Every year after that the tree came in a box, until eventually we just had none. One year I decorated a houseplant with Christmas lights. And it felt empty. Every year after that felt empty until eventually both of my parents were remarried. I don’t ever want to feel that way again. I don’t ever want to have anyone ever feel that way because of something I’ve done.
Because of many experiences like that, I try to see the future, and I jump the gun. I panic and I freak out before I have anything to worry about. I don’t give people chances to show me who they are, and I guard myself. Every now and then I put up a fight and I let my walls down. Trying to be open and free and let experiences happen is much harder then you might think. It makes it even harder when you so desperately want something to be “more”.
Everyone I know says that relationships are harder then you would think and take a lot of work. I feel like things should at least be easy in the beginning. Maybe not all the way through, but aren’t there usually enough smiles to get you through the days when they are sometimes tough? Do you have to work to create memories, or do they just happen? When do you know when the effort is worth putting out there? When are you supposed to know anything is forever, or even for the next week. And why does everything feel so empty when it’s gone?
When times are tough, I find myself outside. Trying some how to connect to nature, to find the peace and inner strength that I hear the world offers. Some times I feel the breeze on my face and that’s all I need to know that everything will be ok. Have you ever laid outside, under a tree and looked up between the leaves to see the sky? There is some sort of peace and comfort in knowing and feeling that you are part of something more. I don’t know if I know what that “more” is anymore, but I feel that it has to be there. When it’s not in the sky, it’s in art, all the paintings and poetry, books and music. I think that is the answer to life’s many questions, emotions.
As I close this, I am finding myself tied back to Round Here by the Counting Crows. Possibly one of the most brilliantly written songs in the entire world through time. If you’ve no idea what I am talking to, I urge you to hear the song. There is a live version on Across a Wire that has an entire verse which always brings me to tears. I’ll try to find and post it below.
Chin up young one, chin up.
“She says, this is only in my head
She say, oh shut up, shut up, this is only in my head
She said did you think that you were dreamning
I said no I didn’t think that I was dreaming
So I said no, I just want it to come true,
All I need is you
She said well did you think that you were dreaming
I said no, I didn’t think that I was dreaming
So I said, so I just want it to come true
All I need is you
She said don’t you think that you are dreaming
And I said no
But she says, but don’t you think you might be dreaming
And I say no, no, no, no
And she says don’t you think you are dreaming
And I said, sometimes I don’t know…”
-Counting Crows
The more people I meet in this city, the more I find that everyone is composed of many brilliant thoughts, ideas and experiences. Somewhere in there everything gets cloudy and there is something in New York that has a tendency to suck people’s hearts away. I know this because there are times where I feel it in myself.
As a child I remember thinking and saying that I only ever wanted to have sex with one person my entire life. I think that this is a common thought process, more so when you grow up in the Midwest with a strong Christian background. At this point in my life, many years later, it would be impossible for me to live up to these expectations. At this point I’m able to draw a line between sex and emotion, so that they don’t necessarily have to exist within the same person. With that said, I’m not even saying that I want an open relationship, but more so that when I actually find both sides in one person, I am blindsided. I think that I have been more or less single for four years, and at this point, the thought of even having to take someone else’s emotions into consideration scares the fuck out of me. I have no idea what I want in a person, what I consider to make someone a good match. I run on emotions and this gets me into trouble. I find myself chasing after “everlasting butterflies”, and ideas of fantasy romance that don’t exist. Perhaps half of my problem is found in dating people that are either actors/models/dancers/ or unbelievably attractive. Granted, not everyone I date is a ten.
Sometimes at night I lie in bed and imagine myself in a fantasy relationship, one that works. I’ve been the type of guy in the past that has made blueberry pancakes for people in the morning, taken them their favorite candy to work, a simple flower, or taken then out of town simply to eat at their favorite restaurant. I imagine myself on a deck watching the sun fall, night enter. I imagine candle lit dinners, taxi rides at wee hours in the am. Something of comfort, safety and security. Maybe at some point in the future, a house in suburbia, a couple kids, and a white picket fence. I want to have a dog and a place that feels like home when I come to it at night. I am obsessed with the idea of falling in love.
I am so obsessed with the idea of falling in love that every time something doesn’t work out it feels as thought my heart is being ripped from my body. At least what’s left of my heart at this point. “And I could fall in love a million times before I die.” Alanis Morissette wrote a song called The Death of Cinderella, and sometimes I find it resting in my back pocket. I don’t know if I’ve never been in love, or if I fall in love all the time. Either way it feels empty, so what’s the difference?
I have people in my life telling me to slow down, to breathe, to enjoy the day, don’t get locked in tomorrow. I have a tattoo reminding me to always live in the moment. And it sounds much easier then it is. I try so hard sometimes to live in the moment, that I get locked in the moment. I forget to see everything that is going on around me, and I ignore what’s staring at me directly in the face. I constantly ignore all the signs that I am all too used to seeing. I think every time will be different then the last. I think that maybe today the other person will try harder, or be there more, or care, or need me. Along with being obsessed with being in love, I am obsessed with feeling like I am of need.
Is it possible that all of my relationship issues root from my parents? I refuse to think that things are that simple. But I know that I don’t want to be married to someone for sixteen years, wake up one day, and have it all explode in my face. I remember the first time that my father slept on the couch downstairs. It was Christmas time and he couldn’t even stand to be in the same room as my mother, my sisters and I as we decorated the tree. We always had huge Christmas tress, they would explode and expand all over the living room, engulf our gifts and this year, things were different. I don’t even remember if my parents were still living together for that Christmas. I believe that was the last year my mother had a real tree in our house though. Every year after that the tree came in a box, until eventually we just had none. One year I decorated a houseplant with Christmas lights. And it felt empty. Every year after that felt empty until eventually both of my parents were remarried. I don’t ever want to feel that way again. I don’t ever want to have anyone ever feel that way because of something I’ve done.
Because of many experiences like that, I try to see the future, and I jump the gun. I panic and I freak out before I have anything to worry about. I don’t give people chances to show me who they are, and I guard myself. Every now and then I put up a fight and I let my walls down. Trying to be open and free and let experiences happen is much harder then you might think. It makes it even harder when you so desperately want something to be “more”.
Everyone I know says that relationships are harder then you would think and take a lot of work. I feel like things should at least be easy in the beginning. Maybe not all the way through, but aren’t there usually enough smiles to get you through the days when they are sometimes tough? Do you have to work to create memories, or do they just happen? When do you know when the effort is worth putting out there? When are you supposed to know anything is forever, or even for the next week. And why does everything feel so empty when it’s gone?
When times are tough, I find myself outside. Trying some how to connect to nature, to find the peace and inner strength that I hear the world offers. Some times I feel the breeze on my face and that’s all I need to know that everything will be ok. Have you ever laid outside, under a tree and looked up between the leaves to see the sky? There is some sort of peace and comfort in knowing and feeling that you are part of something more. I don’t know if I know what that “more” is anymore, but I feel that it has to be there. When it’s not in the sky, it’s in art, all the paintings and poetry, books and music. I think that is the answer to life’s many questions, emotions.
As I close this, I am finding myself tied back to Round Here by the Counting Crows. Possibly one of the most brilliantly written songs in the entire world through time. If you’ve no idea what I am talking to, I urge you to hear the song. There is a live version on Across a Wire that has an entire verse which always brings me to tears. I’ll try to find and post it below.
Chin up young one, chin up.
“She says, this is only in my head
She say, oh shut up, shut up, this is only in my head
She said did you think that you were dreamning
I said no I didn’t think that I was dreaming
So I said no, I just want it to come true,
All I need is you
She said well did you think that you were dreaming
I said no, I didn’t think that I was dreaming
So I said, so I just want it to come true
All I need is you
She said don’t you think that you are dreaming
And I said no
But she says, but don’t you think you might be dreaming
And I say no, no, no, no
And she says don’t you think you are dreaming
And I said, sometimes I don’t know…”
-Counting Crows
Set The Ray to Jerry
Born to please, every simple need
I stand alone in my thoughts indeed
Hate you
For ever making me
I'm in you, I'm your anything
And I- want you
And I- need you
And all you are is brand new
And I- need you
Come to me, let me hold you still
I'm so tired, just as tired as you
Take me for anyone but me
All that you feel is never true
And I- want you
And I- need you
And all you are is brand new
And I- need you
When you say that you are
Forever my star
I'll never let you go, no, no
I'll never let you know
Let roar these fears
To the whore of my tears
Pure as a lie, I pour to your eyes
Suck you like the sap from a tree
Honey from the dew, from the bumblebees, yeah yeah
And I- want you
And I- need you
And all you are is brand new
And I- need you
When you say that you are
Forever my star
I'll never let you go, no, no
I'll never let you know
And I- want you
And I- need you
And all you are is brand new
'Cause- need you
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
90's Habits
"It can only be a habit or a phase for so long. And then it's just who you are."
My Divorce Song
I'm a product of divorce
And I've never seen a relationship work
At least not until I was long out of town
I've never trusted anyone
Not even myself
I'm a product of divorce
It's a trendy 90s thing
All the baby boomers couldn't keep it together
And now no one believes in forever
And tomorrow is just a stone throw and a guess away
I think I'm done bouncing back
I think I'm done slamming aginst this wall
Im just going to keep going
Walking away until I'm gone
I'm a product of divorce
It's the new American trend
The new American family
The kind we are all fighting for the sanctanty of
Now the same blood in two homes
Weeks and weekdays
Car trips and suitcases always packed
Where is home this week
Or is it Wednesday and I'm moving to the other
I'm just a twenty something kid
A product of the divorce trend
My parents couldn't keep it together
And I'm just here to tie up their loose ends.
My Divorce Song
I'm a product of divorce
And I've never seen a relationship work
At least not until I was long out of town
I've never trusted anyone
Not even myself
I'm a product of divorce
It's a trendy 90s thing
All the baby boomers couldn't keep it together
And now no one believes in forever
And tomorrow is just a stone throw and a guess away
I think I'm done bouncing back
I think I'm done slamming aginst this wall
Im just going to keep going
Walking away until I'm gone
I'm a product of divorce
It's the new American trend
The new American family
The kind we are all fighting for the sanctanty of
Now the same blood in two homes
Weeks and weekdays
Car trips and suitcases always packed
Where is home this week
Or is it Wednesday and I'm moving to the other
I'm just a twenty something kid
A product of the divorce trend
My parents couldn't keep it together
And I'm just here to tie up their loose ends.
Monday, August 25, 2008
It's All Eventual
It's all eventual
This would have happened anyways
Before there's time to regret
And time to hate
Let's just cut the cord
And avoid your attachment
Don't you know I always leave
I always bail ship before the storm
And jump before the gun goes off
Crash before I've taken off
Stay steady
Keep your feet on the ground
Don't absorb too much
Step back
Give only what's necessary
Make them ask for more
And maybe you're right
It's not that serious
I've dropped the ball again
Choose to leave the scene
And fleed my inner attack
Kicked myself down
It's become a sport to me
And I'm winning the losing game
I'd be happier if I were half as concious to my full intentions
And all my plays
Stay steady
Keep your feet on the ground
Don't absorb too much
Step back
Give only what's necessary
Make them ask for more
And maybe you're right
It's not that serious
Hold tight
Push back
Let go
Run to
Cling from
Form psuedo persuaded
Control my information flow
Stay steady
Keep your fucking feet on the ground
That's an order
Run back
Flee
Don't give anything
Make then ask
Make them want
Maybe you're right
It's not that serious
Just not that serious
Friday, August 22, 2008
In The Moment
Mine and Kris's Tats
"A kiss can heal a million pieces that words could never fix."
I said that the other night in a text message. I feel like it just goes with the picture, although the two are really not related in the slightest. At least not on purpose.
Ex's and Oh's
It's been brought to my attention recently that people I've dated in the past have not been saying the nicest things about me. And honestly, of course that's fine. I also find it funny the things that they have been saying. It's funny because I can see the truth in them and also the persons insecurities that are tied into it. I think that the ego has a ton to do with it.
First and foremost, someone was recently talking about how he has to break up with me because he always felt that he was smarter then I was. I think it's stupid that at this age it even matters who broke up with who. And more so, I said I wasn't going to stop being myself to make you happy, so I guess you did choose to walk away then accept me as whole. I'd personally rather have someone walk away from me then want to constantly change me. I change for myself, when I want to, and I keep the things I like. And to be honest, I think I'm a pretty fucking cool person. As far as you being more intelligent (and for comedy reasons, I really hope I spelled that wrong (yes, I"m a horrible speller)), I think we are smart about different things. I may not know as much about certain gay things as you, but I know that I know a hell of a lot more about The Legend of Zelda then you, and I think that counts for something. I have no idea what you went to school for, and I've never seen you talk about anything with that much passion that really effects the world, so I'm sure I don't know what you are talking about. Different interest, absolutely, most smartest, I think not. ;-)
"Most smartest, look at that. Most smartest, I'm cutting you off Loretta. Let's go!"
-Drop Dead Gorgeous
And secondly, someone else said that he thinks I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. Well, congratulations!!! You seem to have known from when you were ten exactly what you were on the planet for, and honestly, you're not changing the world either. This is just funny to me, because he is right. There are definitely moments where I think, "what the fuck am I here for?" I think that's normal, I think that's okay. And at the time we dated, I was a little lost. Sometimes I still am. I'm more on course now, more then I ever have been, and I'm happier then ever.
Overall, I find both people to be amazing people. Sometimes crazy and delusional. But we all live in New York City and you kind of have to be. I'm not even angry, just smiling at how much people try to blame each other. At how much we try to point fingers and make yourself the victims. I am even doing it right now by even posting this. Poor me, everyone thinks negative, blah blah blah.
This could be the worst blog I've ever posted. I'm okay with that. Every now and then, I just have to write to put something out there.
First and foremost, someone was recently talking about how he has to break up with me because he always felt that he was smarter then I was. I think it's stupid that at this age it even matters who broke up with who. And more so, I said I wasn't going to stop being myself to make you happy, so I guess you did choose to walk away then accept me as whole. I'd personally rather have someone walk away from me then want to constantly change me. I change for myself, when I want to, and I keep the things I like. And to be honest, I think I'm a pretty fucking cool person. As far as you being more intelligent (and for comedy reasons, I really hope I spelled that wrong (yes, I"m a horrible speller)), I think we are smart about different things. I may not know as much about certain gay things as you, but I know that I know a hell of a lot more about The Legend of Zelda then you, and I think that counts for something. I have no idea what you went to school for, and I've never seen you talk about anything with that much passion that really effects the world, so I'm sure I don't know what you are talking about. Different interest, absolutely, most smartest, I think not. ;-)
"Most smartest, look at that. Most smartest, I'm cutting you off Loretta. Let's go!"
-Drop Dead Gorgeous
And secondly, someone else said that he thinks I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. Well, congratulations!!! You seem to have known from when you were ten exactly what you were on the planet for, and honestly, you're not changing the world either. This is just funny to me, because he is right. There are definitely moments where I think, "what the fuck am I here for?" I think that's normal, I think that's okay. And at the time we dated, I was a little lost. Sometimes I still am. I'm more on course now, more then I ever have been, and I'm happier then ever.
Overall, I find both people to be amazing people. Sometimes crazy and delusional. But we all live in New York City and you kind of have to be. I'm not even angry, just smiling at how much people try to blame each other. At how much we try to point fingers and make yourself the victims. I am even doing it right now by even posting this. Poor me, everyone thinks negative, blah blah blah.
This could be the worst blog I've ever posted. I'm okay with that. Every now and then, I just have to write to put something out there.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
EVERCLEAR NYC 8/20/08
I went to see Everclear again last night. It was a great show, T recorded this video from the show. It's an acoustic version of Strawberry . Enjoy.
Never been here, never coming back
Never want to think about the things
That happened today
Want to lay down on the warm ground
I think I'm going to need a little time to myself
Don't fall down now
You will never get up
Don't fall down now
I ask you for a slow ride
Going nowhere
You look like Satan
You ask me if I want to get high
Couple of bags down in old town You tie your arm and
Ask me if I wanted to drive
Don't fall down now
You will never get up
Don't fall down now
Last thing I recall
I was in the air
I woke up on the street
Crawling with my strawberry burns
Ten long years in a straight line
They fall like water
Yes, I guess I fucked up again
Don't fall down now
You will never get up
Don't fall down now
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Untitled
This is a painting I did recently. I haven't titled it, as i rarely do. The gun is actually covered in glitter and shines in all directions when light hits it. It's a basic acrylic. I'm actually not even sure if it's done yet. I usually never can tell. I'll get an idea for a piece and pump it out in under 48 hours, or I just never finish it all.
Negotiations
I once told you I thought I was in love with you
You said we would talk about it later
Like it was something to negotiate
As if it were within my control
But you knew you held the power
You could have me when you wanted
Ignore me when you couldn't handle me
Place yourself all over me
And be gone before I had any idea what happened
6 months to late
An effort better left unforgiven
Trying to tie up loose ends and make amends
How did this all turn into me being the issue
You forever the victim as you call the shots
I think you think I don't know
And I know how you work
I know how you live
What you think and how you feel
I know everything there is to know about you
And you don't have all the strength you project
I'm going to crush you
I'm going to make you feel
I'm going to see you crack
And I'm going to be there to pick you up
I once told you I thought I was in love with you
You said we would talk about it later...
You said we would talk about it later
Like it was something to negotiate
As if it were within my control
But you knew you held the power
You could have me when you wanted
Ignore me when you couldn't handle me
Place yourself all over me
And be gone before I had any idea what happened
6 months to late
An effort better left unforgiven
Trying to tie up loose ends and make amends
How did this all turn into me being the issue
You forever the victim as you call the shots
I think you think I don't know
And I know how you work
I know how you live
What you think and how you feel
I know everything there is to know about you
And you don't have all the strength you project
I'm going to crush you
I'm going to make you feel
I'm going to see you crack
And I'm going to be there to pick you up
I once told you I thought I was in love with you
You said we would talk about it later...
Monday, August 18, 2008
All I Really Want
And all I really want is some patience
a way to calm the angry voice
And all I really want is deliverance
Do I wear you out
You must wonder why I'm relentless and all strung out
I'm consumed by the chill of solitary
- Alanis Morissette "All I Really Want"
Prince Eric
I've convinced myself that I am meant to fall in with someone who has an all too uncanny resemblance to prince Eric. Yes, the prince Eric from The Little Mermaid. He will be 6'2-6'4, dark hair, bright beautiful eyes, broad shoulders, the most perfect dog, and he will be a perfect gentleman. He will set up romantic dinners, take me on wild adventures, laugh at my childish mishaps, and pick me up when I fall. He will not sleep with my friends, have a manhunt account, a drug problem, or be between jobs. My thoughts won't scare him, my emotions, my looks, my love for everything bright and exuberant. He will understand my need for Roseanne, my love for cheesecake, and my over emotional days that usually end in tears. We will live somewhere far away from the city, a place with trees, a garden, and the ocean. We will be able to see the stars from our rooftop, and only hear the silence of each other breathing.
I’ve convinced myself that I don’t know how or when, but I will meet this person and instantly know it is “him”. I am expecting love at first sight, and for it to last forever.
So what is worse? To actually believe that you will meet someone perfect and hold onto the fairytale, or to believe that no one is perfect and just settle? And is my true definition of the perfect man a simple animated character?
I feel as though I’ve thought I’ve met Prince Eric many times over, and then after a month or two, the shine has faded and I’m no longer impressed with the figure in front of me. I used to always just think that I wasn’t meeting the “right” person, but now after four years of being single, I have to wonder, “Is the problem me?” Am I simply looking and expecting the unrealistic?
I dated someone for a very short period of time about a year and a half ago. A friend of mine, not knowing of my obsession, told me that he looked like Prince Eric. I had already had that thought. I still think of him fondly and I miss him. Even though it was a very short affair, there are times when I miss him. I’ve passed him on the street and said nothing, simply ke pt walking. And inside, fell apart. The funny thing is, we never even officially stopped seeing each other, there was no discussions, no opinions, thoughts, it was just there, and then not. Maybe if we had spent more time together I would have grown to hate him.
So is Disney to blame for giving children fantasies? And what is really worth waiting for? Do you just simply know? And does it hit like a lightening storm? I don’t ever want to get a divorce, I want forever. I want all the stupid things, like flowers, breakfast in bed, my favorite candy. And to be held at night. I don’t NEED anything from someone else, but it would be nice to have someone want to be these things.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Maybe
Maybe I could change you this time
Maybe this time everything would be different
I can feel you so close to me
Are we even on the same plain
Are you really breathing at my neck again
I thought you'd left so long ago
I'd thought you were nowhere to be seen
You were almost here before
But you're nowhere near
How can I expect you to come back to me so willingly
Get away
Stay back
I can't welcome you anymore
You're not going to do this again
I'm not your game
I'm not here for this moment
I'm not letting you touch me again
I thought I made myself clear
Stop
Please stop
I love you too
Oh god I need this
Don't stop
Oh god again again
Again
Again
Oh god I need this
Where did you go again
I thought you were here
I swear this time I could feel you
You swore this time would be different
Where did you go
I thought you were here
How can I expect you to stand on your word
I thought you'd changed this time
I thought we were brand new
And now you're nowhere near
Where did you go
I thought you were near
I swear I could almost feel you here...
Maybe this time everything would be different
I can feel you so close to me
Are we even on the same plain
Are you really breathing at my neck again
I thought you'd left so long ago
I'd thought you were nowhere to be seen
You were almost here before
But you're nowhere near
How can I expect you to come back to me so willingly
Get away
Stay back
I can't welcome you anymore
You're not going to do this again
I'm not your game
I'm not here for this moment
I'm not letting you touch me again
I thought I made myself clear
Stop
Please stop
I love you too
Oh god I need this
Don't stop
Oh god again again
Again
Again
Oh god I need this
Where did you go again
I thought you were here
I swear this time I could feel you
You swore this time would be different
Where did you go
I thought you were here
How can I expect you to stand on your word
I thought you'd changed this time
I thought we were brand new
And now you're nowhere near
Where did you go
I thought you were near
I swear I could almost feel you here...
Friday, August 8, 2008
A Note to the Jersey Girl on the Bus
You're 22 and with kids. A third on the way. You shouldn't be reaching for another ball sack, you should be praying for money to get your pregnancy taken care of. Now you're fucking some guy in the bathroom. Just a reminder, you're on a bus. Why do white trash girls have to act so carelessly?
*This girl was trash and met every stereotype. She even had some guy she met hold her baby while she went in the bathroom.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Super Mario 3
I am 100% positive that Super Mario 3 is the best video game that has ever been created. Granted, I am a huge Zelda fan, but on the basis of best singular game and not series, Mario 3 is the winner. I honestly don't think I could count the amount of times that I have beat the game and it never gets old. Over the course of the last week I've went back and played every single level in the game and enjoyed every moment of it. Well, for the most part, there are always the few stages that I want to skip over, but I still play them. And I hate those freaking card stages where you have to match the parts to make the full image. I can NEVER do them. This is probably, and sadly, the highlight of my day. Oh yeah, I went to IKEA too. It took me 5 months to get a freaking lamp for my bedroom. Luckily I have all those windows.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Sunday, August 3, 2008
The Mask
Every time someone comes into my apartment and they see this mask, they always have questions. Well, here is the answer, it's fucking creepy. That's why I have it.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Rabbit Holes (The Life of One)
I wrote this poem for someone who was at one point very close to me. The person was in love with Alice in Wonderland, so that's where the theme came from. One is a name, not a number. The picture is from Central Park, the Alice in Wonderland statues, I took it a few years ago.
Rabbit Holes (The Life of One)
Pills and needles
Or birds that are forever soaking wet could control a future
Where would One choose to drop inside?
Does a rabbit hole hold the power to change the past and make everything different?
For right or wrong
Love or Hate
Where would One choose to fall?
What if One tripped over oneself and found less inside when One assumed One was much more full?
What if One choose the wrong hole?
Can One back track again?
How much can One really change the past?
What if One just can't seem to make everything the was One envisioned?
Perfection dangerously misleading One's heart's content
What if One choose a hole to make the world disappear?
One got what One wanted
Found oneself in a black hole where nothing was clear
Would One be content with nothing?
The everything One had said One wanted
At what point would One decide enough was enough and climb to the top?
When One reached the light would One search for a new hole to try?
A new was to change One's life
A new way to change the past
Or would One stay clear of the rabbit holes?
And just try again to never need another place to hide?
What if One found one was only hiding from oneself?
What if One embraced oneself and awoke with a tear?
All along One was safe alone
By ones self
Under the shade of a watchful tree One calls life
Living
And fear of a nature One can't control
But has to learn to trust
What if oneself meet this realization with action?
And began again with a new sense of self and a sense of what living and loving really means?
Can One become 2 becoming 1 and not lose oneself?
Can One stop jumping from rabbit hole to rabbit hole and let the watchful tree determine the future
One would like to think so.
Welcome
Welcome to my first blog. Well, official blog. I had one on a site called Oasis years ago, before blogging was around. I also used to post a ton on myspace, but eventually took all those down. So this is a new beginning, or at least one could say that.
Ideally I'd like this to just be a place where I can share my thoughts, pictures, whatever it may be with anyone who wants to read it. More importantly, I have no idea where it will actually go, so give it a little time and enjoy. Any feedback is always appreciated of course.
Thanks,
Thomas Whitfield
P.S. If you know me at all, then you can figure out where the title is from. And no, it's not just because I smoke.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
