Positive to be Negative

Today I went with a friend to get HIV tests. If you're a gay man, this can fall into any day. We made lunch at my place, I packed my gym clothing, walked up to United Colors of Benetton (which is having a huge 50% off sale), and then stopped off for HIV tests. The usual tuesday afternoon.

Now, I get tested pretty regularly, usually ever 3-6 months. I don't have unprotected sex, and I really don't put myself at risk. You are always escorted into a room, they give you the run down of how you can get HIV, what to do to protect yourself, and what to do if you were to test positive. They ask you how many sexual partners you've had in the last amount of time, and so on. Then they take what is like a hard cotton swab and run it along your gums, upper and lower. Then you sit.. and sit.. and sit and wait for what feels like 4 hours but is actually apx 10 minutes. I assume that this must be what it feels like when waiting for a pregnancy test. Luckily I've also never had any close calls with that either, but I don't have sex with chicks, so I'm pretty sure I won't have to deal with that. But hey, ya never know. That's not entirely true, I think I'd like to have a kid or two eventually. Either way, I wouldn't be the one peeing on the stick, so this is as close as it gets.

Although I never have unsafe sex, I always get freaked out when waiting. I think about how much my life would change if I were positive. How many people I would have to tell, how much my life would also not change. Wouldn't I still be the same person? Just heavily medicated. Would I date someone that is positive? If they are positive, is that reason enough to say you don't deserve my love? I guess not all of those questions are as cut and dry as yes or no. At least not for me.

I once had a friend who worked for the Gay Man's Health Clinic. Everyday it was his job to take tests and tell people if they were positive or negative. He told me stories about guys trying to jump out of windows, trying to stab themselves and all sorts of stories. Everyday he had to deal with this. I think a good day for him was not having to tell someone they are positive. You could see the weight on his shoulders, in his face, in his smile. He may have been the saddest person energetically that I've ever met. Also beautiful in that tragic-I-want-to-save-you kind of way.

Then the doctor tells you if you are positive or negative. I am negative. If I were positive, I wouldn't write about it on my blog. I wouldn't want to announce it that way. So perhaps I am slightly biased as to how I would treat the situation. I try to be honest, and open and clear. A lot of the time it gets thrown back in my face, but I don't mind. I wouldn't stop sharing my stories or experiences for anyone. Nor would I ever be embarrassed by them. They are emotions and we all have them, so who gives a fuck? But with the topic of HIV, I might be a little more choosey. And statistically speaking, I have most likely had a sexual partner that was positive. I am surprised at the amount of young guys I meet in NYC that want to have unsafe sex and/or are positive already. I remember growing up thinking that I only wanted to have sex with one person my entire life. My morals have changed, but not to a degree that I just don't care. I do care. I care too much probably. In fact, today I was called a prude. But whatever, at least this prude is negative.

*I don't think if you are positive that you can't also be a prude, anyone can be a prude. Anyone can be positive. So do everyone a favor, EVERYONE GO AND GET TESTED.*