At Concerts

When I think of the times in my life that I have felt the most free, the main memories that pop into my head are ones that took place at concerts. I am in love with music that was popular in the 90’s. Still.

The first concert I ever went to was Alanis Morissette. I was a freshman in High School, I had purple hair, wore a bright striped white shinny button up, a glitter dog collar, and dark baggy jeans. One of my friends had been given tickets and I was more excited then I had ever been in my entire life. I was in love with Alanis Morissette. I had a huge glitter sign that said, “I love you Alanis”. We were in the 14th row, just to the left of center stage. It had been the Alanis and Tori Amos tour 5 ½ week tour. The actual concert, well, I remember very little. I was crying too hard the entire time. I wasn’t kidding when I said I was in love. I took a huge stuffed teddy bear in which I unsuccessfully tried to launch on stage. But in the end, I did get one of Alanis’s guitar picks that she had played You Learn with. This was my first concert experience, and I just remember being so happy and feeling a huge release. And yes, I know I was a huge dork. I’m still a huge dork.

In the past few years I’ve been to a ton of concerts and remember every single detail of most of them. I’ve now seen Alanis close to 30 times. I’m seen Tori Amos. Third Eye Blind. Everclear. Cracker. Matchbox 20. The 52’s. Marilyn Manson. Garbage. The Backstreet Boys. Robyn. NSYNC. The Smashing Pumpkins. Lennon. Joydrop. Mandy Moore. Angels and Airwaves. Avril Lavigne. Bif Naked. Bush. Moby. The Cure. Dido. Fiona Apple. Madonna. Meg and Dia. Michelle Branch. Pink. And many more, these are just the ones that I think of at 5:15am.

Every single concert I have some attachment to. For me, going to a concert is one of the few places I find actual freedom. There is something in hearing live music that makes me lose my mind, in a good way.

My junior year in high school I spent 400 dollars for my friend Amy and I to have 3rd row center tickets for Tori Amos. The concert was great, but getting lost with Amy on the way home was the best part of the night.

Third Eye Blind was awesome the first time I saw them, the second time, not so much. It was a few months ago and the crowd was filled with bitchy high school girls and their boyfriends that thought they were hot shit. How they even had any idea who
Third Eye Blind was at this point, I’m not sure. They haven’t had a huge hit since the mid 90’s.

I’ve been to many concerts with guys that I had been seeing at the time, and I think that is the true test. Can you stand going to a concert with Thomas, and still like him? When I saw Michelle Branch, it was for a boy, she was his favorite and I got us tickets. That night we broke up after the concert. Not because of me though, remember all those news stories about student and teacher relationships that were a lot more popular say 8 years ago? Well, he had been sleeping with one of his teachers, and was in the process of going back forth to court. Clearly, I’ve always known how to pick them. If you’re broken, GREAT! I CAN FIX YOU!

One of my sweetest memories of a concert is going to see Everclear for the first time. It was on 42nd street and I was going with a guy that I was totally into. I think I made him listen to a few of their songs before hand so he would have some idea who they were. I think he recalled having heard a few of them before. At concerts, like I said, I lose control. I jump around, I scream along to the lyrics, I dance, and I cheer for everything. At one point I remember singing along at the top of my lungs, and I remember feeling him grab my hand and holding it. I am very much a person that loves the simple things. I love it when someone rubs my back, holds my hand, grabs my leg under the table, or leans over to kiss my forehead. After the concert, he confessed something along the lines of looking around and seeing a ton of people screaming along to every lyric. He said that he though, how can these people know every lyric to these songs, and then he looked over and saw that I was one of them. For me, this would be endearing. I love to see people loving what they are doing. Having true fun, and not faking it. I imagine that possible at that moment is when he felt the need to touch me and hold my hand. Of course, I could way over thinking it, but I like to romanticize everything, so that’s how I choose to remember it. The second time I went to see Everclear, I actually got the date wrong and we showed up a week early. We were by Union Square, so we ended up stopping into Strand Book store and I picked up the entire series of Harry Potter. I decided that it was a good time to read them. The next week I went back to the show and I had a great time. They were still good, but not as great as the first time.

I was 20 when my ex of 2 ½ years and I broke up. I was devastated (this is not the guy from above. In fact, I don’t know if my ex and I ever went to concert together?). But in order to try and feel better, my friend Ron and I booked a trip to LA on the last minute for one night and got tickets to see Alanis. He stood outside in the pouring rain for 5 hours so we could have front row standing room. We were front and center, drenched, and there isn’t a thing I’d change about that day. I totally forgot about everything that was happening in my life and I sang along and smiled.

The first time I saw The Smashing Pumpkins I was still in my goth stage, black hair, eye liner, spiked dog collars, and combat boots. That was the first time I ever went crowd surfing. IT WAS AMAZING. Everyone lifts your body into the air, you get thrown back and forth wildly, out of control, and just hop that you make it to the front of the stage and don’t fall to the floor. I fell a few times. The second time I saw The Smashing Pumpkins was just over a month ago. We had front row seats that I had dropped a lot of money for, again. It was one of the best shows I’ve ever seen in my life. The energy level was unbelievable. They slammed on their guitars for close to three hours, playing probably 10 songs. I drank way too much and smiled the entire time. There was a kiss on my forehead, a hand on my back and tons of pictures taken. Once of which I have framed in my living room and I recently did a painting of.

When I am in front of live music I am free. I feel like I can fly. I feel like they are my words, my life, my experiences. I feel like it is my voice, or at least that my voice is part of what I am experiencing. I always feel moved and safe. And above all else, I always feel loved. This has nothing to do with the actual person I am at the concert with, but more so the connection you feel to the artist and how it taps into your body. At concerts, I feel loved for me, for every ounce of my off key singing along, my awkward dances, my cheers between every song, and most importantly, at concerts, I feel loved by myself.