DNR

DNR

Today I got a call from my dad telling me that my grandmother isn’t improving. They are taking her off all life support and basically letting her go.

At best my grandmother would have been in a wheelchair and need constant taking care of. She never would have wanted that. My grandmother has been the most independent woman I’ve ever known. I wonder if I get some of my wisdom and power from her?

Her husband died years ago, and one of her children. I don’t think she has many friends left, and at best they are the kind that randomly call just to keep in touch.

I wonder what death feels like. Is she trapped in her body right now, unable to communicate but just see what’s around her? Can she even move her eyes to see anything anymore? Maybe she’s just floating above her body, waiting. I wonder if this like when you are really excited to go on a vacation, sitting in the airport, waiting for boarding. She is just waiting for her plane to take off. I wonder if she is trying to say good-bye, and excited to say hello to her dead family and friends again?

Where do we go when we die? Do we just evaporate into air and our energy gets spread out? Do “we” actually go somewhere or just carry on? This isn’t a question of God, because God exists in all these ideas. How can everyone that’s ever lived die and yet me know so little about it?

It’s raining in New York City today, the rain is pouring down. It’s the kind of day that you just sit inside and hope it stops soon. Being in the rain reminded me of how great it feels to let the rain fall on you. I took my umbrella and let the drops cover me. It’s this feeling that everything will be ok. Everything can be washed away, and we can all start over. My grandmother will never stand in the rain again. She will never feel the drops hit her skin and feel like everything is ok. She will never smell flowers again. My grandmother will never sit in front of The Price is Right and yell out the prices, or turn the page of another bad mystery novel.

I think she is ready to go. I think she has been ready for a while. I wish I could have known my grandmother as a person, I wonder what secrets she has and stories that she’s never told anyone.

The last time I spoke to my grandma was December 2nd, and only for 5 minutes. I told her that I bought my plane ticket and couldn’t wait to see her. She was excited and told me that she loved me.

I guess I’m going to be waiting for that plane longer then I had expected.

My Grandma is Dying.

I am supposed to go and visit my grandma next Monday. Not in 4 days, but in 11. I've was planning on going to visit her a few months, but I kept putting it off. It's not that I found reasons not to, as much as that I was going through a break up and then I started a new job.

I've been working on the Artist's Way and part of that is grabbing life by the balls. I've been trying to keep in touch with people that I've lost touch with and stay connected with those that I love. I called my grandma and bought a plane ticket to go and visit her for Christmas. My plan was to leave on the 21st from NY, visit her for a few days and then head to Michigan to see my parents and sisters.

I got a call today.. my grandma is in the hospital. My aunt, that I haven't had a conversation with in years, found her laying unconscious on the floor. She wasn't moving, but she was alive. She called an ambulance and now my grandmother is laying in a hospital bed. She isn't talking, or moving, and I don't know what that means. Is it a coma, can you be in a coma at 90?

I feel sad.

But I also don't feel much of anything. I love her. I have had some great conversations with her, and I'm 25. I've known her all of my life, so why do I feel so little? Should I feel more? Should I be crying in a corner? Should tears be streaming down my face? Why do I feel guilty for feeling less?

My grandma was married once, he died before I was born. She never remarried. She lived the rest of her life alone, what if that happens to me? Am I dead inside? Sometimes I think so.

She loved mystery novels, the really shitty ones that only old people read. She LOVES them. She would read them all day long, I think they were her family in a sense. She made me want to read. I saw how much she loved them and how much she took away from them. She made me want to explore the world, explore things beyond my backyard.

I never saw my grandma cry.

Why aren't I crying now? Is it a missing gene? Why can I cry over some stupid relationship that didn't work out, but when it comes to death in the family I am like stone? Why do I feel like I'm outside looking in?

My grandma loves chocolate covered cherries and those dry cookies that come in a tin.

My grandma asked me a few years ago, "Do you have a special friend?" She knew I was gay and cared enough to ask me if I had someone special in my life. I didn't. I told her so, and I could see sadness in her eyes. I reminded her that she didn't have a boyfriend either, she laughed and said that she had enough romance in her life. Can you ever have enough romance in your life?

What if I'm 90 and die alone on my kitchen floor?

Finally, some tears.

Blueberry Muffins

So, I'm making blueberry muffins today. And I'm very excited. It's been a while since I've made them and I love them to death. Might not seem important, but, I'm really dorky. So, it makes perfect sense! :-)

T

Crushing

I just had this idea
Maybe it was a vision?
I saw the same place
Maybe a couple new windows
A dog
A life
An idea
Honestly, I thought it'd fit really nice
I was under the influence
Maybe you could change
Maybe I could leave myself
Again
Maybe abandon it all
Again
I thought maybe
Under this influence
I thought maybe we could be the dream
This idea
This thing
This everything in the world that says we can't
That's what I wanted from you
I wanted you to complete my fantasy
And now I know
It's completely unrealistic
Its not your fault
It's all me
I wanted it perfect
I wanted what you showed me
I wanted what you said you could be
Not what you showed me
I wanted life
I wanted fearlessness
I wanted your freedom
I wanted to help you and share your pain
I wanted to be there for you when you were sad
I wanted to hold your hand
I swear I did
And life seems unfair
With every snowflake I see
I keep thinking you might be hiding
But you're not
I keep thinking
A snowflake
We'll call it a sign
I keep thinking one day we will be safe and sound
But like every flake
Every piece that I see
We are both fragile
And we both clearly break at every seam.

Life... or Something?

Lately I've been on this self help kick, self recovery. All those crazy new age things, and honestly, THANK GOD. I am tired, but I feel emotionally and mentally worked out. Usually I just go to the gym, but lately, it's been a full body thing, mind, soul, all of the above.

I've seen my arms get larger, my chest as well. I've seen my legs grow in size, but only recently do I feel my heart and my soul expanding. It is one of the most amazing feelings in the world. I can't believe that I'm 25 and just now finding all these wonderful things out.

If you've been wondering where I've been, I started doing The Artist's Way and I started a blog with one of my friends. I try to update everyday and have so far been doing really great. Check it out if you're into it. If you have any idea what The Artist's Way is, then def chime in.

I might not know you, but if you're taking the time to read any of this random blog, then I'm sure part of me loves you.

Thomas

http://www.2ArtistsWay.blogspot.com

Why I Blog

I blog because I love it. I blog because it is an outlet for me. I blog because it in a small way allows me to put part of my heart out into the world. I blog because I love to write. I blog because when I am finished I feel better about everything and everyone in my life. I blog because it is what I love to do.

Everyone blogs, I just choose not to live in my head with it so much. I'd rather put it out into the world.

Psychologist?

Today I went to my second session with a psychologist. I've been in and out of therapy since I were a child and my parents got a divorce. I don't think there is anything wrong with therapy at all, in fact, I truly think that EVERYONE should do and talk to one at some point. But, this one did not work for me. In fact, she ended up making me feel as there really was something "wrong" with me. She told me that all the creative empowering work I've been doing is just to cover the surface, I'm deluded and simply choosing to ignore who I really because I don't want to change. HUH? I walked into her office feeling great, my day was awesome, and I have been working really hard to turn all my negative thoughts and emotions into positive ones.

I told that ultimately, I want to wake up in the morning and be happy. I realize that this is semi ridiculously and that no one is happy all the time. I don't mean that I want to walk around with a huge smile on my face for the rest of my life, but simply that I'd like to have a rather sunny outlook in general. She told me that all the meditation work, the light work, the Artist Way, it is all just covering my real issues that I clearly don't want to dig up and discover. I guess she is partially right, I don't feel like talking about how I don't feel like made my father proud growing up. I already know I feel this way, I can't change that, but why is it so bad to want to simply change how you look at it? She is right, I don't want to cry about every incident that happened to me when I were 5 years old and so on. I don't want to rediscover true pain, I don't want to leave an office every week feeling like shit.

I want to be happy. i don't care how I get there, but yes, I want to be happy. What's so wrong with that? I am carving out my own creative path and starting to really feel good about myself inside, so why was she making it sound as though it is pointless? She told me that there is nothing she can do for me, that I clearly don't want to change, that I have walls up, and its my own choice. She told me that I would take years and years of deep psychological treatment to deal with all my issues and that I don't have the commitment to do so.

Ummm, I know I'm a little complicated and that I can be depressed, but to tell me that I have years and years of issues to deal with seems kind of extreme. She then basically told me that I needed to leave, that there was nothing she could do for me, and that if I wanted to just be happy then I should contact a cognitive behavioral therapist. When I asked her if she had one that she might recommend she said, "no, I don't work with those types of people". At no point did she show any emotion at all that she cared about what I were going through or trying to change. In fact, our session ended twenty minutes early, I paid for the entire thing, and on my way out I said, "have a good night, thank you". Her reply, "Shut the door on your way out, I have a message here I need to listen to".

As I've said, I've been to many therapist, and none, NONE, have ever been to cold hearted and seemingly judging. I understand that there are different types of therapy and that all "specialist" specialize in different types and kinds, but I feel as though the way she addressed me was not even as a human being.

Overall, I just feel as though it was a huge waste of time and money. I went in there thinking that I get a little depressed sometimes and I want to make it better. She left me feeling angry and mad, as though there is some deeply rooted psychological issues that I will never overcome and my entire life will be filled with darkness, and it's all my fault.

Basically, I think she was just a cunt.

Meditation

I just did an amazing meditation. I haven't felt this warm, safe, and loved in a very long time. I am smiling ear to ear.

Flowers

I love getting flowers. This might sounds girly, but who cares, flowers are pretty and awesome. I was walking along the street today and I walked by one of the many deli's with flowers in front. I remembered a time when I had gotten flowers and it made me smile. I continued down the block and thought, maybe again one day. Then it hit me, fuck it! I turned around and bought myself flowers. Why should I wait for someone to to do something for me that I can clearly do myself? So now, once again, my apartment has flowers. And they make me smile.

To K: I hate being gay. I really do. I'm not even that drunk at all. But seriously, I hate being gay. I hate how petty people are, I hate coke, I hate how everyone cheats, I hate how people just want to look cool. I want a good job, a house, some kids, a car, a family. A fucking white picket fence, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

All I have left to say is, "you live, you learn."

Dear Marc Sinoway, I wish I'd just listened to you from the beginning. You were right.
Xoxo,
Thomas.

I think part of the reason we are mean to one another is because we want to be remembered. Even if in a bad way, we don't want to be forgotten. No one wants to be left behind.

Hurting People

I've hurt people. There was a girl in 5th grade that I made fun of once for being over weight because I knew she had weight issues and she was being a bitch to me. I knew my words would hurt her more then anything she could possibly say to me, and I was right. In this instant, I went out of my way to hurt her, and I did. It was intentional and I've always felt bad about it. I was a close friend to her, I knew how she were vulnerable and I used it to destroy her for a small amount of time.

As an adult, I've hurt people in other ways, more unintentional ways. As a human, it happens. People can't always see eye and to eye, and even when you don't try, someone can easily get hurt. I've been on both sides of the table, so know I just try to be open and honest all the time. I try not to hide things in corners and I let my emotions be known. If you are honest all the time, then you can't "hurt" someone as much as just dropping a bomb.

I feel like it has been a while since I've said or done something to intentionally cause someone else pain. And it is the worst when it happens to you. It leaves you wondering why? Was it a payback of some sort? Why is there so much anger there? What happened to how you cared about me?

Why is it that we pull peoples strings in the worst most vulnerable ways, just because we can?

If I've ever hurt you, and you're reading this now, I'm sorry. Unless you were that girl from 5th grade, or some other isolated incident, I probably didn't mean to. And in the end, who is really the one left hurting?

This song has never been my favorite Alanis song, but for now, it just seems the most fitting.



FLINCH

What's it been over a decade?
It still smarts like it was four minutes ago
We only influenced each other totally
We only bruised each other even more so

What are you my blood? You touch me like you are my blood
What are you my dad? You affect me like you are my dad

How long can a girl be shackled to you
How long before my dignity is reclaimed
How long can a girl stay haunted by you
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name

Where've you been? I heard you moved to my city
My brother saw you somewhere downtown
I'd be paralyzed if I ran into you
My tongue would seize up if we were to meet again

What are you my god? You touch me like you are my god
What are you my twin? You affect me like you are my twin

How long can a girl be tortured by you?
How long before my dignity is reclaimed
And how long can a girl be haunted by you
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name

So here I am one room away from where I know you're standing
A well-intentioned man told me you just walked in
This man knows not of how this information has affected me
But he knows the colour of the car I just drove away in

What are you my kin? You touch me like you are my kin
What are you my air? You affect me like you are my air

Starting to Love Myself

It's recently been brought to my attention that I don't love myself enough. And I didn't really think about it before, but it's true. I think I'm a fun guy and genuinely nice to people for the most part. I might come off slightly cold, but I think that's more of a shield then it is me being mean. I don't need everyone to like me anyways, I can't control other people, but only myself.

In the past few days I'm been trying to really pick up and notice when I mentally dog myself down, shut myself off, play the victim, and basically am negative to myself and to other people. I definitely use it as a way to "protect" myself, but I'd like to stop. I need to stop making fun of other people all the time (just to my friends, never to anyones face), and I need to stop making fun of myself. I am by far too hard on myself for acting and doing the things that I want to. Saying you are going to stop something that has been imprinted in you since birth is much easier said then done though.

I am meditating, on a lot of thing. One being to let go of a relationship, one of becoming a positive person, on dealing with anxiety and stress, and many more. They have helped immensely.

The letting go of a relationship one really helps you in unlocking and realizing that people are in your life for a certain reason and a certain amount of time for a purpose. It helps you to find that reason and allows you to just mentally release the person from all chains you may still have wrapped on them.

The positive person one sort of implants a chip in your head that makes you notice when you are being negative. I've started to make a not of what I've thought and then think of the opposite and make it a positive affirmation. This is difficult and makes me laugh sometimes, but then I start laughing and therefore I am happy again. This also makes me think less negative things about myself.

Dealing with anxiety and stress just seems to make me really calm after. It erases all the pain in my stomach and makes it easier to breathe.

There are a ton more and each last for approximately 25 minutes. I recommend checking out OrinDaben.com to see if you want to try any of them.

Yes, it seems like a lot of work. But when you actually want to change something about yourself, shouldn't it be work? Yes, you should be who you are, who you want to be. But what if who you've become isn't who you used to be? Or you want to be happy? Yes, make the changes, why not? You only live once, so go for it! I decided that I don't want to be unhappy anymore, I don't want to be negative, I don't want to blame other people for my insecurities, I don't want to drink through my problems, i want to deal with them and I want to get them out of my life so I can grow to be the amazing person that I know I can be.

I am officially starting to love myself, I'm starting today.

A Million Little Pieces

Although I clearly am stealing the title of this blog from the title of a book, it has nothing to do with one another.

All I feel like saying is that all the little pieces have started to add up, and everything seems so much clearer. I'm happier today then I have been in a long time. I am looking forward to moving and just getting away from a lot of things and a lot of people. Although I am def not running from anything, I am running towards something, myself, my dreams, my life as I want it to be.

I feel as though I should be saying thank you to everyone and everything. Good or bad, right or wrong, it is all helping me to make the decisions and choices that I should be.

So, thank you.

"why do I feel frantic when I first wake up in the morning
why do you say you are spiritual, yet you treat people like shit
How can you say you're close to God, and yet you talk behind
my back as though I'm not a part of you"

-Alanis Morissette 'These R the Thoughts'

Why Does It Always Rain on Me?

After ingesting a pot brownie, that I somehow managed to purchase at Wendy's, I found myself sitting in my apartment until almost 7am sharing all my life with someone that I really don't know that well. Oddly enough, the weirdest thing about the situation was that I was eating Wendy's. I have a tendency to share too much, or just rattle off at the mouth. I don't even really see an issue with that, for the most part I think I'm pretty interesting. Or that i at least have some sort of story telling capability. "If you could have any super power, what would it be?" Did I answer "story telling capability"? If so, perhaps it is a weak power, or I need an editor.

Further along in the evening/early morning I was told that a song called "Why Does it Always Rain on Me" is "my song". Having actually known what this song was, I found myself being slightly offended, but then just laughed. In the actually amount of time that this person has known me, I have felt that it was constantly raining on me. I've been beating myself up and I've been depressed. This isn't something new to me, and therefore I just take it in stride. I know it will pass, and I don't notice what I project to other people for the most. Mainly I'm sure because I'm too busy locking myself away in my head.

Of course I listened to the song again and it made me laugh even harder. "Why does it always rain on me, is it because I lied when I was seventeen". I am CONSTANTLY looking for a reason for every little thing that happens in my life. I think life is a little more random then that, but maybe it is all pre-calculated? I don't know if I believe in "roots", but there is a constant cause and effect for life.

Here is the video and the lyrics.

P.S. I recently was having an amazing dinner with two of my friends up in Harlem. We were talking about how when you are growing up your parents say things like, "If you think you have it bad now, just wait until you're an adult." Fuck that, being a kid was rough, I enjoy being an "adult".



Travis
Why Does It Always Rain On Me?

I can't sleep tonight
Everybody saying everything's alright
Still I can't close my eyes
I'm seeing a tunnel at the end of all these lights

Sunny days
Where have you gone?
I get the strangest feeling you belong
Why does it always rain on me?
Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?
Why does it always rain on me?
Even when the sun is shining
I can't avoid the lightning

I can't stand myself
I'm being held up by an invisible man
Still life on a shelf when
I got my mind on something else

Sunny days
Where have you gone?
I get the strangest feeling you belong
Why does it always rain on me?
[ Travis Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?
Why does it always rain on me?
Even when the sun is shining
I can't avoid the lightning

Oh, where did the blue skies go?
And why is it raining so?
It's so cold
I can't sleep tonight
Everybody's saying everything's all right
Still I can't close my eyes
I'm seeing a tunnel at the end of the lights

Sunny days
Where have you gone?
I get the strangest feeling you belong
Why does it always rain on me?
Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?
Even when the sun is shining
I can't avoid the lightning
Oh, where did the blue skies go?
And why is it raining so?
It's so cold
Why does it always rain on me?
Why does it always rain on....

I feel that very often I like the idea of someone more then I like the actual person.

Damn VH1

The end of Tool Academy Season 2 is coming to a close... luckily there is a new season of Tough Love coming up... Part of me really hates that I can't help but watch these shows. Part of me is very happy they are doing another season of Tough Love. Part of me is still annoyed Megan Wants a Millionaire was cut off. And part of me makes me want to turn off my cable service, clearly I don't know my limits with what to waste my time on.

I love the taste and smell in the air before a good storm.

90 days til I move to California. Put down Jan 31, it's a Sunday, it's a party night. And you're all invited.

Someone told me that my spirit guides name is Michael. She then went on to tell me that Michael said I can be over dramatic at times. Michael, he knows me well.

From accross the couch she looked into my eyes. I felt them penetrate my skull and enter my thoughts. Before I could say anything she asked me, "Why are you depressed?" I thought for a moment and responded, "I didn't know I was." With a smile, "Well, how long have you felt the world on your back, like you can't get enough sleep, like you don't want to leave your home or work on the things you know you should?" I cringed, "My whole life I've felt the way I do now." I laughed, picked up the perscription and left the office.

Thomas has decided to look at his life as a Choose Your Own Adventure book. LA, California, 2/1/10.

Why does fantasizing about punching certain people in the face make me smile? I'm not even in a bad mood.

Dear Foo Fighters,
Where have you been my entire life?

Love,
TW

Rinse and repeat...

Lets Be Friends

friend  [frend]
–noun
a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

boy⋅friend  [boi-frend]
–noun
1. a frequent or favorite male companion; beau.
2. a male friend.
3. a male lover.

Why is it so hard/impossible to go directly from "boyfriend" to "friend"? I have decided that the determining factor is the physical aspect of the relationship that has to change. Or is it not? I have many friends that I would only call a friend that I have cuddled with, which is very physical, but never a boy/girl(friend). Why is it that when you attach the sex of the person to the "friend" that it becomes something more intimate? The above definitions are from dictionary.com, and notice, the first (1) definition of boyfriend is "a frequent or favorite male companion; beau". I honestly have no idea where I'm trying to go with this. I feel like I started with a good idea, but fuck it.

I want to know why I, as in me, personally, Thomas, can not allow someone to transition without a shit load of trouble. I am, for the most part, very good friends with almost all of my exs as of now in my life. But ALL of them took a lot of time apart and then a meeting in the future. Do you just HAVE to have time apart to disconnect and then allow the person to enter your life at a later time, as something else? The simplest answer to this is "yes". At this point in the game things seem to be too fresh, too open nerved, too hitting close to home.

Isn't it crazy the way that you can still feel attached to someone when they have left your life for the time being? It's almost physical, but certainly an emotional bond. I feel as though I can almost see the energy that attaches me to certain people. It's overwhelming at times, like a magnet. There are times where I hate it and feel trapped, but other times where I love it and the imagery alone makes me smile. Perhaps in another dimension we are still "friends" and therefore I feel the connection?

At times it feels like a warm hug, the best kind.

I no longer feel sad about this connection, although at times the pulling is very intense and causes me shortness of breath. I am excited about my future and everything that it holds. I feel that perhaps in the future, this connection will be prominent again.

I feel like for the first time in a while my life is falling into place, on track and that doors are opening for me. I feel like I have working at them for a long time, and just now figured out the combination. I feel more calm, more ready, more awake. This has nothing to do with the end of my relationship, but why I bring it up is because I wish that I could share it with that person. I know that he has seen me at my worst, my saddest, and I wish that he now could see me getting ready to fly.

That is when I miss this direct physical connection the most, when I have something to celebrate, something to share.

I was recently speaking with a friend who's father died. He told me that he hadn't really cried too much or been to upset and that this made him feel guilty. Walking down the street, not too long ago, I saw Richard Geer. I picked up my phone and called my mom, she was very excited. Seeing Richard Geer means nothing to me, but wanting to share with my mom, who loves him, meant a lot to me. I think that if my mom were dead, those would be the moments that is would hit me and make me cry. I think the moments that you want to share with people and you can't, those are the roughest. I explained this to my friend and he said that yes, there are times when he wants to call his father and share something, and those are the times that it hits him that he can't, ever again.

I wish that there was a way to speed up the process of "boyfriend" to "friend". I wish that I could continue to share everything about myself and all my wins with this intense connection. But, I can't. I know this, and it frustrates me. This isn't even something that is up to him, but also up to me. I don't know how I would respond if I were even sitting next to him, I don't even know what emotion would go through my body, or how I would react. I'd try to smile, but I don't know if I could be convincing enough.

Is the end of a relationship relatable to a death? Both are changed in relationship and parts of them coming to a halt. No, i don't want to die, or anyone to. My point simply being that, I miss my relationship because right now I feel like celebrating, and I wish that I could celebrate with him.

I wish all of life were a celebration.

I am once again on the long island sound all day. It's beautiful. Although it is chilly out, the sun is bright and that makes everything so much better.

Tonight I am attending a dog birthday. A Bitchin Birthday Betty Bonanza.

Every Night

I have this irrational fear of waking up in the middle of the night from a bad dream, reaching for you next to me, and the realization that you're not there anymore. I think of this almost every night before I close my eyes.

Tool Academy

After another long day, all I can say is, I love TOOL ACADEMY 2. That's what I'm watching before bed. :-)

No Suits Please

Today I spend the day playing a stock broker. I had to wear two full suits, no, not at the same time. The entire time my stomach was in pain. I refuse to think that this is simply something pepto could solve, but more so my body resisting the corporate life. :-) I can't imagine getting up every morning, throwing on a suit and sitting in an office all day. Thankfully there are many choices out there.

I'd really like to write more, but I'm too tired.

If you've ever wondered why I look vacant, or just mean. So expressionless. It's because I'm thinking all these things. All at the same time.

California Dreamin'

All the leaves are brown
All the leaves are brown
And the sky is grey
And the sky is grey
Ive been for a walk
Ive been for a walk
On a winters day
On a winters day
Id be safe and warm
Id be safe and warm
If I was in l.a.
If I was in l.a.
California dreamin
California dreamin
On such a winters day

Stopped into a church
I passed along the way
Well, I got down on my knees
Got down on my knees
And I pretend to pray
I pretend to pray
You know the preacher likes the cold
Preacher likes the cold
He knows Im gonna stay
Knows Im gonna stay
California dreamin
California dreamin
On such a winters day



All the leaves are brown
All the leaves are brown
And the sky is grey
And the sky is grey
Ive been for a walk
Ive been for a walk
On a winters day
On a winters day
If I didnt tell her
If I didnt tell her
I could leave today
I could leave today
California dreamin
California dreamin
On such a winters day
California dreaming
On such a winters day
California dreaming
On such a winters day

Cali

Everyday I think about moving to California more and more... what am I waiting for? "My life to finally begin"?

Starlight

One of my new favorite songs.



Far away
This ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

The Starlight
I will be chasing a starlight
Until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms

My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms

Far away
This ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold

I can because I say I can. I am because I say I am.

Tonight, Tonight, yes, fucking Tonight

Tonight:

Tonight, yes, fucking Tonight, I've learned many things:

1. I am not going to find the person of my dreams in a bar. This is in no way to say that I haven't already met the person of my dreams at some point, or to say that everyone that goes into a bar is not worth my time. This is just coming from the point of view of the sober bartender serving everyone that is fucked up out of their minds.

1A. I drink, I am normal. But rarely to the point that I can't speak. And further more, if you slur when you ask me on a date, chances are I will say no. Call me picky.

1B. I don't do hard drugs. Ganja is not a hard drug. But it seems that everywhere you turn around in clubs someone is stuffing something up their nose. I've heard the argument that, "everyone does it". But no, that's not true, I can name 10 people that don't to every 1 that I know that does. I personally don't care if you do, I have friends that do, and I don't think it's a huge deal. But I don't want to date someone that does. I think that's fair. I can't even say that I have never done it, because I have, and it didn't seem like a big deal to even do it. I've done it enough to know that I don't need it, want it, and I don't like how it makes me feel.

1Ba. In a perfect world, I would rather be the drug that you are addicted to. I want someone to be addicted to me, not be able to get enough of me. I want someone to chop me up into little pieces on a fancy mirror and snort me up in a one dollar bill. Ok, not really, that may have been going to far.

1C. Where the Hell do people hang out besides bars? This is when it hit me, I need to focus more on doing the things that I love and less on finding someone that I can do the things I love with. If that didn't make sense, think of it this way; If I only do the things I love, then I will only find people that also enjoy doing the things I love. This sounds simple, but for some reason I guess it never really crossed my mind. Some how in some way, tonight it all clicked. I just need to focus more on my career and on myself, less on what's going on around me. I need to create more of my own world and live fully in it. This probably sounds self-centered, but whatever, so many people have already been telling me that I am, so I might as well make it come true. Plus, I'm 25, I have plenty of years to worry about everyone else later, maybe it is time I took control and just focused on me?

2. Sometimes you can't say everything you want to. Sometimes you really are between a rock and a hard spot. I can't even say what I want to on here, or to anyone.

2a. I miss my ex like crazy sometimes. At moments it almost seems overwhelming and I choke, I can't breathe. Other times I think that I made the "right" choice and I don't think twice. Sometimes I wake up and miss him, sometimes I just wake up and make myself eggs and don't think about it. My thoughts are fleeting and all over the place. This is why I don't call/text him and tell him that I want him back. I have many many moments where I feel as though I do, and many where I feel as though I don't. How unfair of me would it be for me to call him and say, "Baby, I love you, I miss you, I want to make this work". Have him come over, sleep together and then wake in the morning and think, "oh shit, I have to break up with him again". If I were to so this, it would make me the worst person in the world and only hurt both of us more so. I'm giving myself 30 days to think. 30 days to figure it all out in my head. I can't let someone I care about sit and wait for me, or dangle on a string. I've had it done to me, and it sucks.

2b. I wish I would think things out more before I do them.

2c. I wish I would think things out less before I do them.

3. I must stop looking outside myself.

An Open Letter to God

Dear God,
Did you create cold rainy days to torture all single people, or just me?

Love you,
Thomas

When Songs Attack

At the age of 11 I really started to listening to music and paying attention to the lyrics. My first love was of course Alanis Morissette and then everything had become history. That was apx. the same age I started to put music and emotions together. I found that I could control emotions based on the type of music I were listening to. I also find that music can deepen an emotion and sometimes help you through things. Yes, all of this seems basic and we have all thought these things before, no?

Every time I go through a break up I always attach a song to the person, something about the sound, the lyrics, or just where my head is. I have a song for everyone in my life that has ever meant something to me.

With my recent relationship it has been the song Cold Desert by Kings of Leon. This is kind of funny because I had never heard the song until I recently downloaded the album a week or so ago. I'm not sure exactly why I attach it to this particular person, so I assume that it is more so about how I feel and less about him.

The Attack:

Yesterday I was in Brooklyn doing a random shoot and like all shoots, there was music playing. About 30 seconds after I walked in the studio Cold Desert came on. I thought, "What the fuck? Am I going to burst into tears right now? Because I'd rather not." I closed my eyes for a moment and just the emotion pass through me and exit. Put on a smiling face and imagined a gold shield of light protecting me and not allowing the happiness I was trying to convey slip from my body.

The shoot continued as they do and as I were packing my things up, "Glass Vase Cello Case" by Tattle Tale (which I just posted on here a couple days ago), came on. I have never ever in my entire life heard this song outside of me playing it for someone or outside of "But I'm a Cheerleader". I have never heard anything else the group has ever recorded and know nothing of them. I was shocked, just smiled and tried to laugh at the irony of all this. The next song started, and I shit you not, "Breathe Me" by Sia. Just listening to the first few beats of this songs brings me to tears, I used to use it in acting class all the time for sad scenes. At this point I was no longer laughing, but screaming inside, I needed to leave. I took a few deep breathes, and left, but felt as though I barely made it out alive.



I'm on the corner waiting for a light to come on
That's when I know that you're alone
It's cold in the desert, water never sees the ground
Special unspoken without sound

Told me you love me, that I'd never die alone
Hand over your heart, let's go home
Everyone noticed, everyone has seen the signs
I've always been known to cross lines

I never ever cried when I was feeling down
I've always been scared of the sound
Jesus don't love me, no one ever carried my load
I'm too young to feel this old

Here's to you, here's to me
On to us, nobody knows
Nobody sees, nobody but me


"Hand over your heart, let's go home".

Juliette Lewis

I never really paid too much attention to Juliette Lewis until recently. She is crazy, and I love it.


Juliette and the Licks

Self - Someone Else

It has been 9 days since my break up. In some ways I can't believe that it has been that long.. It still feels like it were yesterday, and I do realize that in the long scheme of life 9 days really isn't that long at all. It has, for the most part, been my every thought.

I have good days where I wake up happy and ready for the sunshine, and others where I wake up sad and have no idea what to even do with myself. Sometimes the simple act of throwing my feet to the floor and standing up is too much to handle. I don't think that I'm depressed, but more so find myself lonely and filled with silence.

For the last 8 months, if I woke up alone, my first motion was to reach over, grab my phone and text the person I was dating. We would end up texting back and forth for a while and then I'd get up, have breakfast, catch up on e-mails, go to the gym, and then probably lunch with "the other half".

Now I wake up with only going to the gym to look forward to... yes, going to the gym. As much as I love going to gym, it really doesn't fill the void of human contact. Obviously I still have human contact, just the not the exact type that I'm used to. Surprisingly, I haven't felt less sexual then I am now in a LONG time. It is almost the furthest thing from my mind 99% of the time. I don't think I'm ready to even just be physically close to someone else yet, and really, it's only been a few days, so that shouldn't be too strange.

Now I guess I'm at the point of wondering what I should do with all the things in my apartment that remind me of him. We didn't fight, I don't hate him, I don't want to forget him, but for now I have to find a way to stop thinking about it so much. I need time to think about other things, and I just keep playing scenes over and over in my head. Everything about my apartment reminds me of moments, times, experiences, memories... Do I put all the little things into a box and pack it away? Throw things out? (Which I really don't think I need/want to do). Basically, I spend a decent amount of time in my apartment and I can't spend every minute rethinking things that I can't change.

One of the toughest things for me this far is knowing that he is hurting. I am hurting, but I know I can handle it. I know what my own limits are, I know what I can deal with. He is a grown fully functional human being, but I wish I could just snap my fingers and make it all go away. It sucks when you want to be there for someone, but given the situation, you just can't be. I'm terrified he is going to end up hating me. Terrified. Perhaps if the roles were switched, then I'd hate me? There is no worse feeling in the entire world then knowing that you've hurt someone you care about. If I could bottle everything up myself and deal with it for both of us, I would.

I don't know what the future holds, but I like to think that it has a lot of beautiful sunsets, beach, lots of water, and maybe a few drinks. A lot of years, tons of dancing, picture books for miles, and memories that pass energy into the world forever.

I need to take time and focus on myself, but all I keep thinking about is someone else.

Everyone Loves a Good Drunk

My personal favorite drunk in the world, Jackie Conner.

Thanks D.E.

"Better"

I don't believe that people can be labeled as "better" or as "worse". I don't think someone can "do better". I think that you can only do differently.

Marathon

Yesterday in CA Alanis Morissette ran a 26.4 mile marathon for the National Eating Disorder Association. She was able to make it in just over 4 hours. That fucking rocks. I love her.

Tweaks, Turns and Love

One of my closest friends has asked me many times, "What is the perfect person that I see as being my match?" More so, describe that person and the qualities that they would carry. I have a hard time answering this, so clearly I don't really know.

I think that probably somewhere at the top of the list would be to love what you do, your job, your activities, your passion. I want to wake up to someone that is smiling every morning, even when it's raining. I want to marry someone that is so annoyingly happy that it makes me smile. Maybe someone to teach me how to smile more? I don't think that someone can be happy all the time, but a positive outlook would be nice.

I want you to want to change the world. I have full intentions of somehow making an impact on the world and a partner in crime would be great.

Please be open to sharing all of your emotions. Even if sometimes the emotion is for me to "shut the fuck up". Sometimes I need to "shut the fuck up". Although, "please be quiet", might be nicer. :-)

I've often said that I don't know if i've ever been "in love". And this is true, I don't know if I have been. But is it possible to love someone but not be "in love" with them? Does that make your relationship more of a friendship? I love all of my friends, but I'm not "in love" with them. Is it different because you don't sleep with your friends? (most of the time anyways).

I've most recently loved someone and never told him. I don't know if I were "in love", but I also don't think I'd be able to identify it if I were anyways. I don't understand what "in love" is supposed to feel like. Sometimes I'm too focused on my own emotions and not on the ones of the people around me. I am emotionally selfish.

Growing up I was always very focused on keeping everyone else happy that I never paid attention to how I felt. I just wanted everyone to stop fighting all the time. I would always try to be the center of attention so everyone else would forget their problems and leave each other alone. Maybe this is why I want to act so badly? So that people can focus on me, on something else, so they can forget about the hard stuff.

Somewhere along the line I slipped from focusing on everyone else to focusing only on myself and how I feel. I've had a tendency to toss aside other peoples feelings, and not even realize it.

I don't know what I want in the "perfect" person. I'm not even sure how I would identify myself, or what I have to offer someone. This isn't to say that I feel as though I have nothing to offer, because I know I do. I mean more so that I just don't really know what makes me different.

I'm so used to people telling me that I'm attractive, but that I need to smile more. I don't smile a ton because I'm usually thinking too hard, too much. I find it rather funny that people assume if you're not smiling that you are angry, sad, mad, depressed, or have no personality. Maybe I just don't have to smile all the time to prove to the world that I'm alive?

I love to take candid photos of people, my friend when we are out, someone sitting on the couch next to me. Hands. Hands are beautiful. Please let me take your photo, whenever I want. It isn't about looking good, but more so wanting to capture all the beauty that I see in that simple moment.

To love and not be "in love". To be "in love" and not know it. To be loved and feel unloved all at the same time.

How can I end this not with an Alanis song?

Princes Familiar



please be philosophical
please be tapped into your femininity
please be able to take the wheel from me
please be crazy and curious

papa love your princess so that she will find loving princes familiar
papa cry for your princess so that she will find gentle princes familiar

please be a sexaholic
please be unpredictably miserable
please be self absorbed much (not the good kind)
please be addicted to some substance

papa listen to your princess so that she will find attentive princes familiar
papa hear your princess so that she will find curious princes familiar

please be the jerk of my knee
I've fit you always
you finish my sentences
I think I love you
what is your name again no matter
i'm guessing your thoughts again correctly
and I love the way you press my buttons so much sometimes I could strangle you

papa laugh with your princess so that she will find funny princes familiar
papa respect your princess so that she will find respectful princes familiar

please be strangely enigmatic
please be just like my

Oasis - Don't Look Back in Anger

I've been slightly bored with the music on my iPhone, so I've been listening to Pandora Radio while I work out at the gym. This song came on today, and it was so fitting. I love little moments in life like that.



Slip inside the eye of your mind
Don't you know you might find
A better place to play
You said that you'd never been
But all the things that you've seen
Will slowly fade away

So I start a revolution from my bed
'Cause you said the Brains I had went to my head
Step outside the summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger
I heard you say

Take me to the place where you go
Where nobody knows, if it's night or day.
Please don't put your life in the hands
Of a Rock 'n Roll band
Who'll throw it all away

I'm gonna start the revolution from my bed
'Cos you said the Brains I had went to my head
Step outside cos summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
Cos you ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late as she's walking on by.
My soul slides away, but don't look back in anger
I heard you say

So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger
I heard you say

And So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late and she's walking on by
My soul slides away, but don't look back in anger, don't look back in anger
I heard you say

At least not today.

-----> Here <-----

I decided that today would be a good day for a jog in Central Park, just something to clear my head. Lately it's been cluttered and I haven't exactly been able to figure out how to clear it all out.

As I slowed down I thought about lying the grass, but noticed a rock in the not too far distance. I made my way over to the rock and as I stood at the top, I looked down. Below my feet was the inscription, "Jesus was here".

A smile spread across my face, and I felt like a wonderful first kiss. I felt safe for a moment, and I laughed. I laughed because I were taking life too seriously and this was exactly what I needed to make myself forget.

This also got me thinking, "I wonder if Jesus ever wrote these words". Perhaps as a child he wrote his name on things like children do. Although I'm sure that Jesus never visited this section of Central Park, I know he is there all the time. I wonder if Jesus ever went through stages of "finding himself". I wonder if he ever broke some ones' heart, or maybe his own? I wonder if Jesus ever made any of the same mistakes that I have, that everyone has.

I wonder if Jesus ever sat in silence at 6am on a sunday morning and wished for a noise. For something to remind him that there is life all around him. Did anyone ever have to tell him to just breathe, and that everything will be ok?

"That Guy"

I don't want to be "that guy". I want to be bigger then that. I'm sorry.

What It All Comes Down To

My Proactive Formula

1. An obstacle occurs
2. Realize your reaction is the real enemy
3. Shut down your Reaction System and invite the Light in
4. Effectively express your Proactive Nature

I think the above has to do with Kabbalah. Someone gave it to me, and yes, it does fit me to a T. It really wasn't until I read these lines that I started to pay attention that in many ways my reaction to things is what gets me into trouble. I need to learn how to grind my teeth, grin and bare it.

That I Would Be Good

That I would be good -Alanis Morissette

That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

That I would be fine even even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy

That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
Whether with or without you

Mommy Says

That anger I've been looking for, I think I just found it.

I think who you are now, that's who you're going to be when you are 80. I still need to grow.


And I know, I'm the most judgmental person you've ever known.

I'm the most a lot of things that you've ever known.

I think my anger dwells from this irrational need to save. I always want to save people. Help them. "Help". "Help" as I see it. Mommy says, "You need help". Maybe I just need to accept people for who they are? Maybe I should just settle and be ok with what I have? Maybe I should stop wanting more?

I hate this feeling in my stomach, this pit. I want to fill it with something, nothing hits the spot.

"Sometimes you bore me so much I want to run screaming down a highway, naked, jabbing myself with hot needles, just to prove to myself that I am indeed alive, that I haven't drifted into some catatonic state resembling death but without its rewards"
-Alan Ball 'the M word'

The Return

It's the return of Emo Thomas. Hold tight folks, this could get bumpy, this could get a little messy, this could be nothing at all.

Why did I drop the pen for so long? It feels like home; maybe that's where I was running from?

Glass Vase Cello Case by Tattle Tale



Breathe into my hands I'll cup them like a glass to drink from


Are you still, still breathin'

Are you still

Breathin'

Are you still, still breathin'

Are you still

Breathin'


Breathe into my hands I'll cup them like a glass to drink from

Gaze (not gays).

Slowly, with ease and precision, "it" turned and starred me down. I could feel the bristles deep gaze on me, through the wall. Through the kitchen fridge, and through my skull. "It" had many questions, and I could offer very few answers. So few answers that I decided not to reply to any of the asked.

The toothbrush wanted to know why it wasn't being used. It had been 8 months since the toothbrush had gone more then 36 hours without being used. The toothbrush had seen the one next to "it" being used more often then 3 times a day, sometimes an OCD amount of times, but "it" still stood... untouched. Waiting.

Although I did not excel in grammar in primary school, middle school, or high school, I know that "Waiting" is not a complete sentence. In my defense, sometimes don't you feel as though that's where you are, who you are, and what you are?

Waiting.

100th Post - My Neighbors Shitty Music - Break-Up

I just logged into my account to find that I have posted 100 times, including this one.

My neighbor is constantly blasting techno music on the weekend, cramming far too many people in her apartment and basically making me laugh. Laugh because I can think of nothing else to call her but "Jersey". Granted, I have never met her, but I can only assume that she is the first of her friends to have their own place in the city and there for everyone has a free-for-all crash there. Or passes out just outside of her door (yes, this really happens). At this moment she is blasting Dave Matthews Band. For the first time, I don't hate her music.

Today was the first day in a while that I walked around the city without my iPod blaring in my ears, I decided that for a small amount of time I would allow the world to play. It's far too easy to walk around these streets and simply block everything and everyone out. I was standing on the subway platform waiting for the train to carry me back up to Hell's Kitchen from my audition downtown. I couldn't decide on a song, so I decided on none. Truth being, I couldn't decide on an emotion, and therefore I couldn't decide on a song to match it.

It is only Thursday and this has been a very confusing week... I'm mentally exhausted... mentally rundown... mentally obliterated. I'm dealing with a break-up, and it may be perhaps the most healthy break-up I've ever had. We aren't mad at each other, we aren't angry and hating each other, there was no yelling, screaming, or belittling. I'm used to a fight, so I was shocked to find myself upset but at peace. I had no idea sometimes they went hand in hand.

I didn't feel as though something in my relationship was clicking, I felt as though I kept waiting for something to happen, something to change, some sort of wild emotion to flow out of me. I didn't take into consideration that it was possible that I were blocking myself from having an emotion when I've felt them so easily in the past. Now, now I don't know.

My apartment is drenched in gifts, photos, paintings, and memories. It is the first and only relationship I've had yet in this apartment and part of me feels as though it isn't just "my" apartment.

The saddest thing in my life right now is a toothbrush. I'm just not strong enough to throw it away. I'm paying 1,400 dollars a month for a small apartment that I don't even have the emotional right to anymore, because of a fucking toothbrush? The other day I smelled this toothbrush, it doesn't smell like the person, it smells like crest. I hate crest. Knowing that said toothbrush is only a few feet away from me makes my gut retch and tears fall from my eyes.

It's just a fucking toothbrush.

Reasons for Pages

It wasn't until I hit page 4 of numbered reasons "why I hate my 4th grade teacher" did it dawn on me that maybe there is a full story there. I'm not ALWAYS the quickest.

Meg and Dia "Indiana"

Not sure why this song pops up in my head. But randomly on my play list and now on here.

Meg and Dia - Indiana

I can do whatever I want like you
I can do whatever I want like you
I can do whatever I want like you
Like You

She began to die
Indiana that's not right
Indiana that's not right
She began to fight
Indiana make it mine
Indiana make it mine

So pale and white
So inclined to do what 's right
Colonel sir, I feel lonely tonight
She's strong but an obedient wife

I can do whatever I want like you
I can do whatever I want like you
I can do whatever I want like you
Like You

She began to die
Indiana that's not right
Indiana that's not right
She began to fight
Indiana make it mine
Indiana make it mine

Such honest eyes
No time to run and ride
Colonel sir I feel lonely tonight
She's strong but her mind is losing light

I can do whatever I want like you
I can do whatever I want like you
I can do whatever I want like you
Like You

She began to die
Indiana that's not right
Indiana that's not right
She began to fight
Indiana make it mine
Indiana make it mine

I know, I know
She's alone
I know, I know
She's alone
Alone

She began to die
(I can do whatever I want like you)
That's not right you know
(I can do whatever I want oh no)
Indiana that's not right
(I can do whatever I want like you)
She began to fight
(I can do whatever I want like you)
Indiana make it mine
Indiana make it mine

It Might Rain

It looks like it might rain today. I'm always tempted to run in the rain as it falls. Maybe I'll go lay in the park under it... Everyone always carries umbrellas... what's so bad about the rain?

Dear Rain,
I love you.

Your dry friend,
Thomas

Thomas...

Thomas would like to know...

Why am i still looking at things that don't involve me and wondering if maybe they did...
Maybe if I see a picture or a "thing" and wonder if maybe I was in the background, maybe if the person thought of me once, them maybe... just maybe... i would exist... to that person.

Why did I think that you were only looking at me... because you were, but not how I thought you were. I thought you stared at me and didn't see anyone else... now I know that you stared at me.. but just the same as you saw everyone else. It's always more magical to think that you are something special... sometimes you just aren't.

Why no one ever hears him... I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear, but maybe what's more important is what you actually need to hear?

Why you never called back...

Why he decided that it was a good idea to reveal all...

Why his mother went a little crazy and never seemed to connect again. She says it was alcohol, but she never drank... she says everyone else is crazy... but she's just the same... sometimes I wonder who I'm really calling for...

Why it's so hard to get out of bed sometimes, why is 9 hours just not long enough to rest the head...

When will Final Fantasy 13 actually come out... it is time for another distraction.... sometime else to keep his minds eye blind for a bit.

Thomas would like to know why it's so hard to say "I Love you" and mean it. I can see his imprint on the couch.. and I love it... I can feel his face near mine.. and I love it... I can feel him holding me... and I love it... I can feel him being silly and laughing.... and I love it.... and I still sit here afraid... afraid... afraid.... that I might like it???

Thomas would like to know... everything... when things get easier, when they fall off... when they are settle, when enough is enough.....

Thomas would like to know, but he'd rather not ask.... when will I die? will i look back and say it were a happy death?

Recently on the Same Team

I'm always so great at giving people advice, at telling them exactly how I see it. I wish I were able to step outside myself and look inward to see my own situations objectively.

Someone I love greatly is dating someone that I don't necessarily think is on the same plane as her. She is a very strong individual and has great energy around herself. Her life is frantic, and she still floats above it and I think finds ways to laugh. But I also see her weaknesses and how she needs someone to back her up, hold her, be on her team and in the same game. I think she can stand fine on her own, but who doesn't want a relationship filled with support and filled with the ideal of finding happiness for yourself as great as happiness for the other person? I realize this isn't the 70's, but doesn't it kind of just fall into the same category as respect for eachother? I'm afraid that she will fall into the same trap that her parents did, and eventually find herself at a crossroads and look back thinking she maybe should have not held on so close. I pray I am wrong, because above all else I want her happiness. I think I've said most of these things to her, mainly that I just don't think he is "right" for her.

Why does it feel as though if someone isn't "right", then someone has to be "wrong"?

I used to believe that life was about finding one person and sticking with that person forever, and ever. Then for a while I thought maybe life is just about continuous random meetings and that maybe things don't have to last forever. Now.. now I just don't know what I believe anymore. I still have my head wrapped around this fairy tale idea, but maybe that's why it's called a fairy tale and not a reality idea. Is it possible that relationships are never even close to "perfect" and that you really do have to work a lot at them? Is love about a commitment, a choice, an emotion, or a settling? How do you know which is which?

I wish I could step outside myself and look at my life. Perhaps I could see myself as blocks and just move them around a bit, maybe I could make the picture make a small amount of sense more. Maybe I could stop myself from getting so angry so quick, from allowing myself to have my emotions determined by someone else. Part of me thinks that given the chance I'd just erase everyone and everything from my life and start over. Start over fresh and with no apologizes, no regrets, no fear. Above all else, no fear.

If I knew what the "right" move was, I'd make it. If I knew what the outcome of everything was going to be, I'm sleep better.

Sometimes I just want to pack up and leave New York City, no idea where I'd go. At least some place where I could walk down the street and not know anyone. But if you can't do that in New York City, where can you?

Under Construction

I've been meaning to update, to write, and I haven't. I was going to put up an UNDER CONSTRUCTION sign, but then it hit me. It's not the site that's "under construction", it's me.

I can write about tears, heart break, what if feels like to be alone, want love, anger, and hardship. Basically anything that might be hard for most people to express or feel comfortable saying out loud. I'm not normal in this sense. I'm very in touch with my emotional triggers that cause fear, pain, anguish, sadness. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO WRITE ABOUT BEING HAPPY. I don't how to put into words how great it feels to just be happy and content. What it feels like to be able to sleep at night and not worry about tomorrow. I have trouble finding words for what it feels like when someone else beings a smile to your face; what it feels like to feel cared for and taken care of. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO WRITE ABOUT BEING HAPPY. So I've hit a wall, I've connected to parts of myself that I've not yet really experienced and I'm still learning how to transfer them and express them...

I don't write about butterflies
but sometimes I see them
I don't write about silence in the morning
and how I love to sit in it
I don't write about the warmth and comfort of being held
but I love it
I don't write about how I laughingly force people to watch MY favorite shows
even when I know they hate them
I don't write about rainbows and kittens
but I do wish I had a cat
and rainbows really wouldn't match my apartment
I don't write about being happy
because I don't know how.

For now it's not just me and my ganja.

2 Slices

She's Not in the Plane

I used to play in the backyard with my sister. Ever time a plane would fly by, I'd look to the sky, point and tell her that it was my aunt watching. Flying by just to check on us. She had a great job in a big city, so she couldn't come around anymore. My sister would always tell me I was wrong, it wasn't her, and she was not in that plane. She would say that my aunt didnt care, and that's why she stopped coming around. At 7 years old I knew I was right, my aunt was in that plane, she desperatly wanted to see us, but something was holding her back. At 24, I know I was wrong, my sister was right, and my aunt had cheased to care.

No Connections

I'm working a party in midtown Manhattan. A little boy showed me his Star Wars toy. Darth Vadar, his favorite, is the voice of James Earl Jones. He then tells me his grandmother used to date James Earl Jones. She wanted to marry him and he said no. It just hit me, this 6 year old has more connections then I do. My life sucks.

No Longer Seated

You've always sat there in your silence
Unnerved
Unmoved
But we all know you're just unstable
Too thoughtful to live
Too concerned to breathe
Unbelievable
And silent
It's this sad calmness
And I'll never see myself that way
Alone in the coner
You told me I'm the one that doesn't know
You just don't know me
I'm more found then lost
I'm louder then quieter
And more vengenful then possible
I'm crafty and possesive
I'm all knowing and careless
Isn't that what makes you want me
You've always sat there in your silence
Waiting for the right moment to rise
Be heard and no longer simply seen
So it begins
So it begins

I'll Think About You, But I Won't Tell You

I'll Think About You, But I Won't Tell You

It's true. I'll have opinions and stories to always share, but when it comes down to it, I write a lot of things to get them out of my body. I write and share a lot of things to simply release them, but almost in a passive aggressive way. What would happen I wonder if the people I choose to write about actually knew that I was, or what they would think if I actually told them to their faces what I think about them. It wouldn't be nearly as interesting, I mean, I'd probably come off an insane, and I can do that anyways. Mostly I write for the moment and I can't imagine calling these people every time I had a different emotion and exploding on them. I would probably label myself clinical at that point as well. On the same card though, I know a few people read this blog that specific bits are about. One of them asks me about them and I love it. I love that he would even read the things that are about him and still want to talk to me or be a part of my life. Although if someone were writing so openly about me I'd want to read it. I can also say, I've never posted anything on here to hurt anyone, or directed negatively towards someone. Have I wrote pieces like that, yes. Multiple times. Recently I wrote a blog about the worst blow job I've ever gotten. One of my friends called me and told me how I should post the guys picture next to it and exploit everything about him. Obviously, this is nothing I would ever do, but the idea made me laugh. I have a dark sense of humor, so it makes sense.

This is getting off track and basically what I mean to say is that although putting my thoughts out there is a great release, I think telling the people I write about the same way I feel would be even better. But I never will. I am obsessed with how people see me. Not in the way that I want to be any particular thing to anyone, but more so that I love to see and hear how people perceive me. It is usually pretty far off base from how I see myself, I think that's normal though. No one else can obviously hear the dialogue in ones head as well as the person having it. So with that said, I heard this song Chasing Pavements by Adele the other day, and it reminded me of all these things. Spacifically the lyrics below.

"If i tell the world,
I'll never say enough,
Cause it was not said to you,
And thats exactly what i need to do."

New Blog, MeAndMySexBlog.com

In an effort to keep this blog separate from the new ideas I have, I have started a new one. And yes, it is all about sex. This blog will still be housing my poetry, pictures, paintings, blah blah. But feel free to check out the other as well.

All the best,
Thomas

http://www.MeAndMySexBlog.com

You Suck

You Suck

Disillusionment lead me to compelling understanding
It took me a few broken bones
And a couple empty waterfalls
A few inreconizable gestures
And it all falls down to this

You suck
It's true
You suck
And it must suck to be you
You suck
It's true
Fuck, it sucks just to know you

You've got these ever grabbing chains
And something about you kinetic
Gripping and crippling
Honestly, I'd like to bash your head in
I'd like to see you in pain
Just to know you can feel something more then for yourself
And it all falls down to this
Where you tumbled off the wall and broke your little crown

You suck
It's true
You suck
And it must suck to be you
You suck
It's true
Fuck, it sucks just to know you

I think I'd like to kill you
Half the time I'd like to fuck you
Half the time you don't exist
A quarter of the time I think you're insensative and have no soul
All the time
All the time i'm in love with you

You suck
It's true
You suck
And it must suck to be you
You suck
It's true
You suck
Fuck, it sucks to even know you.

4th Grade

I recently posted a poem where I say something along the lines of "we're in 4th grade". On the phone the other day my sister asked me if this was about my 4th grade teacher. I was actually just making a reference to acting young, I could have said anything like we 10 years old, we cry like babies, blah blah. BUT, the funny thing is, I HATE MY 4TH GRADE TEACHER. She was such a fucking cunt to me. And to be honest, I don't know why. She would belittle me and make fun of me in class. Not in a flat out in your face way, but more so condescendingly. It is rather funny because she was introduced to me through my mom and dad who have known her for years. In fact, I think my sisters may have actually had her as a teacher as well before me. I HATED 4TH GRADE. I HATED HER. AND EVENTUALLY SHE WILL HAVE HER OWN CHAPTER IN MY BOOK, AND SHE CAN SUCK IT!!

All the best,
Thomas

Moving

Over the course of the last 5 and a half years I have lived in a ton of places in NYC. Some good, some bad, and now, alone.

Lexington and 23rd.

I was going to SVA at the time, sophomore year, and I had just broken up with my ex of a few years. It was my first time living alone, if you could call it that. I essentially lived in an 8x6 room with a bathroom and go kitchen. It was a dorm room style place, but dorms in NYC are unlike anywhere else in the us. People don't leave their doors open, there are no parties and everyone thinks they are an artist that is just to deep to breathe. Give me a fucking break. I hated that school, but I also meet some awesome people. Verena as there for me during my break up as I cried and essentially went through it for a couple months. The Philanthropy Girl was three for me during school, classes, Mexican Mondays, and all our ridiculous films. The apartment was gross, overpriced, had roaches and a plastic mattress. At the time, I loved it.

Long island city

After Lexington I moves to long island city for a brief time, maybe 3 months. I moved into a photographers loft and saved up for an apartment. I was working at David Barton gym selling gym memberships and hating every moment of it. I eventually got let go and got a job at Foodbar. The photographer and I ended up fighting a lot, turned into a weird situation and eventually I moves out, to jersey city...

Jersey city

You know what, I'm bored with just writing this post. I can't imagine anyone would want to read it. Honestly, there is no huge pay off with this. I don't get my heart broken, chlamydia, aids, I don't beat anyone up and eventually I move into my own one bedroom in hell's kitchen. That's where I live now, love it.

The end.

Ink

Ink

I'm in love with your ink
How it covers every inch of your arms
I wonder what you're hiding from
The way your hair always falls over your eyes
Always attached to your guitar
Strumming and stringing your stories
The veins in your neck explode as your words glide across my ears
It's not for me alone
But I feel every syllable
Each one a kiss
I want to heal you
I want to mirror you
Be etched on you like your ink
I want to be beautiful forever on your skin
Fading and still a part of
Spreading I'll never dissolve from you
I love the scruff on your face
You always scratch
Even right after you shave
Your arms hold me tighter then possible
You always hum in your sleep
Sometimes you sing
I can't imagine my life without you
I love your ring and the blue jewel
I love your hoodies
And pointless rhinestones
Your cowboy boots and high tops
Your ripped jeans and ratty brown leather coat
The necklaces you rarely take off
And watching you eat
I love your ink
How it's etched to your soul
I want to cling onto you forever
And I can't imagine myself anymore without you
Your strumming emerges in my dreams and keeps me comfort in your absence
It makes me cry and makes me feel nothing
I wonder what your hiding from
Your hair falling over your eyes
And the veins in your neck exploding

A Few of the Best Dates I've Ever Been On

These are a few of the best/most memorable dates I've been on. Not in an particular order, but just how I remember them.

The Kiwi

I went on a date with a Kiwi. A Kiwi is someone from New Zealand. I learned that amongst other things that night. It was our first date, and our only date. I met him downtown and had no idea what he had planned for the evening. We ended up taking a ferry trip around lower Manhattan to see the waterfall art installation that was up and then out to a New Zealand restaurant. I wrote in detail about this night in a blog called “Waterfalls and Kiwi’s”. I learned all about a bunch of things from him that I didn’t’ know about and we had a great time. There really wasn’t any initial attraction and we didn’t go out again, but I still had a great time. It was awesome to have someone put so much thought into a first date and really try to show me himself. I’ve dated people for months that told me less about them then I learned about him that night.

Anne Rice and Thai Food

It was Feb of a few years ago when I had my first date with someone that was a surprise. He was deeper then I thought he would be. We went to a Thai restaurant in Hell’s Kitchen and talked about books the entire time. Our favorite authors, places we had visited and places we wanted to go to. I love talking about books and its rare that you find someone in NY that actually reads a lot. I think his favorite author may have been Anne Rice, which I’ve never been able to get into. I picked up one of her books after that date, The Witching Hour, and I’ve never been able to get past the first ten pages. After dinner I walked him to some bar tending gig he had and we didn’t kiss. Generally if I really like someone, I won’t kiss on the first date. Is that weird? It’s like I’d rather hold off and just wait. When we did eventually kiss, it was worth the wait. I remember I was so nervous for our first date, on the subway I was listening to “Tonight, Tonight” by the Smashing Pumpkins, if my memory stands, I listened to that song before every date I had with him. I’m not sure why, but I know that every time I hear it, I think of him.

Madonna

I had been seeing Madonna for a while. Not the “real” Madonna, but rather someone that calls himself Madonna all the time. It’s always semi irritated me, but it kind of makes me like him more now. We had a “date night” and we would take turns picking out restaurants and planning the night. On this particular night we went to the Waverly Inn and had an amazing meal. The mac and cheese there is a hundred dollars a plate and well worth it. We sat in the back garden room and he moved his chair to the side of the table, next to the fireplace, so he could sit next to me. We drank wine and eat our faces off. It was ridiculously romantic and I felt special. It was awesome to have someone be so attentive and beautiful. On our way out we saw Meg Ryan eating and of course, the paparazzi outside didn’t give a fuck who we were, but one flash would have been nice. ☺ We then had drinks at a random bar that I’d never been to and then went back to his place. He has always been one of the best cuddlers I’ve ever had. The timing was wrong in our lives, but we actually had a ton of great dates and I’m sure one day he will make someone very happy. He will always have a special place in my heart.

Celebrating 20 Years of Sadness

I had been seeing this guy for a few weeks, and I had gotten us front row tickets to see The Smashing Pumpkins. He arrived late from work and we rushed up to the theater. It was way up on something like 170th street. It was a beautiful concert hall that I believe had once been a church. The architecture was beautiful. We started drinking beer and he whipped out his camera and insisted on taking tons of pictures. We got to our sets and stood the entire time. We danced, drank, kissed, held hands, and had an amazing time. I remember at one point, he simply leaned over and kissed my forehead, such a simple gesture and yet so wonderful. He was a horrible dancer, and it just made me like him more. After the concert we hopped in a cab where we cuddled the entire way downtown to a diner. We stuffed our faces, drank cheap champagne and talked about everything. He had to work in the morning, so he hopped in a cab and headed home after that. A little while after he sent me a text to tell me how he had such a great time and how awesome I am. On the way home I was listening to this song called “The Boy” by the Smashing Pumpkins, “I can't stop, I can't breathe, I can't think, I'm in love again
I don't need, I don't eat, I don't sleep, I'm in love again.” That night I told a few of my friends, “I’m absolutely falling in love with him.” We never saw each other again.

The Best of The Worst

This date is exactly the opposite of a great date, I think that’s why it sticks out and is one of the best I’ve ever had. It makes for a good story. This would be the first date of the second time this guy and I had started seeing each other. It had been probably a year since we had stopped seeing each other. Word from the wise, if it didn’t work the first time, it won’t the second. And generally, you will be reminded of exactly why it didn’t work the first time pretty fucking quickly. We met at his place, and then walked to what is one of my favorite restaurants in NY. Also, I recommend using the same restaurant with different dates. Is it just bad karma or setting yourself up for the same disappointment? I’m not sure, but I’ve stopped taking people to the same places. Honestly, this is NY, there are restaurants everywhere, so there really is no excuse. The first thing he said when he opened the door is, “wow, you are wearing a lot of colors..” in which I responded, “great to see you too.” Being the loud obnoxious guy he is, I brushed it off, and besides, he is pretty hot. I sat down on the couch while he finished getting ready, before we left he came over, wrapped his arms around me waist and kissed me. Then as he released he laughed and said, “How big is your waist, like 24?” At this point, I should have gotten up and walked out, but I didn’t. I kind of smirked, pushed him off me and said lets go to the restaurant. On the way to the restaurant, I was telling him how I had seen Christina Ricci recently and almost choked. She is one of my favorite actors and I didn’t say anything to her because I was too nervous. His response was something along the lines of, “Really? Christina Ricci and Alanis Morissette, we need to find you some new people to look up to.” We ate dinner and eventually after we went back to his place and had sex. Of course we still had sex, he was hot. And I think I like the battles a little bit. I didn’t call him the next day, or the next week. Eventually he sent me a text asking how I was and wanted me to go out with him again. I declined, and he couldn’t understand why. So I told him. He apologized, and I said I’d talk to him later. I never made the effort. Possibly one of the worst dates ever, and I still had sex with him? What was I thinking? I think I was thinking that even though he was an asshole, I still wanted him to want me. I was maybe 21 at the time and I had a void of a recent break up and he happened to fill the void for an evening. I think he will always be that kind of person, amazingly attractive, loud, and critical of everyone else. I’m sure he always gets what he wants, but I think inside he is probably just as sad as a lot of people and just as hurt, and also a lot better at covering it up.

Censored

This piece is a little weird for me, a little different. It is the first piece of writing that I have ever held back from posting. I actually wrote it on new years eve night, I was drunk and hardly remember typing it out. I pride myself on my honesty and openness, but for some reason I censored myself from posting. It's interesting to me because the subject matter is based on me from someone elses point of view. It isn't that the person of who's point of view it is from means so much to me that I couldn't possibly let them know, but more so that I wouldn't want to hurt their feelings. With that said, I can only say that I have posted much more negative about people that have meant more to me. So, where does this switch over for me? Many of the people that read my blog know when things are about them. Some of them ask, some of them I drunkenly tell, and some of them don't care enough to read. All above is correct. Everyone sees what they want to see, so who is to say what is right and what is wrong. What actually happened and what didn't? I dissect moments and as everyone else, I sometimes get lost in the details and not the overall picture. With that said, I think the only appropriate title for this piece is "censored". Enjoy.

T

Such a pretty boy
Such pretty hair
I'm going to tell him there is nothing else in there
I'm going to be uptight and make it all feel for him
I'm insecure and he can't know
I'm in forth grade and I'll make him hurt
Such a pretty boy
Such pretty hair
That underwear sure makes him look smart
I bet he could change the world
But I'd never let him know
I'd never support such a thing
Something growing past me
I think I hate him
But I want him to grow
I think I hate him
But I don't partially want him to know
I think I want him to succeed
But I could never support that
Such a pretty boy
Such pretty hair
I wonder if he has anything going on in there
I'll tell him he doesn't have much going on in there
I'll talk him down so it's me he answers too
I'll be the parent and I'll make him see
Such a pretty boy
Such pretty hair
What is he doing over there
He can't be back there
He can't talk to her like that
I'll explain to him who he needs to be
How to please me
Attention
Separation
Who does he think he is
Such a pretty boy
Such pretty hair
I'll tell him there's not much going on in there.