Lets Be Friends

friend  [frend]
–noun
a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

boy⋅friend  [boi-frend]
–noun
1. a frequent or favorite male companion; beau.
2. a male friend.
3. a male lover.

Why is it so hard/impossible to go directly from "boyfriend" to "friend"? I have decided that the determining factor is the physical aspect of the relationship that has to change. Or is it not? I have many friends that I would only call a friend that I have cuddled with, which is very physical, but never a boy/girl(friend). Why is it that when you attach the sex of the person to the "friend" that it becomes something more intimate? The above definitions are from dictionary.com, and notice, the first (1) definition of boyfriend is "a frequent or favorite male companion; beau". I honestly have no idea where I'm trying to go with this. I feel like I started with a good idea, but fuck it.

I want to know why I, as in me, personally, Thomas, can not allow someone to transition without a shit load of trouble. I am, for the most part, very good friends with almost all of my exs as of now in my life. But ALL of them took a lot of time apart and then a meeting in the future. Do you just HAVE to have time apart to disconnect and then allow the person to enter your life at a later time, as something else? The simplest answer to this is "yes". At this point in the game things seem to be too fresh, too open nerved, too hitting close to home.

Isn't it crazy the way that you can still feel attached to someone when they have left your life for the time being? It's almost physical, but certainly an emotional bond. I feel as though I can almost see the energy that attaches me to certain people. It's overwhelming at times, like a magnet. There are times where I hate it and feel trapped, but other times where I love it and the imagery alone makes me smile. Perhaps in another dimension we are still "friends" and therefore I feel the connection?

At times it feels like a warm hug, the best kind.

I no longer feel sad about this connection, although at times the pulling is very intense and causes me shortness of breath. I am excited about my future and everything that it holds. I feel that perhaps in the future, this connection will be prominent again.

I feel like for the first time in a while my life is falling into place, on track and that doors are opening for me. I feel like I have working at them for a long time, and just now figured out the combination. I feel more calm, more ready, more awake. This has nothing to do with the end of my relationship, but why I bring it up is because I wish that I could share it with that person. I know that he has seen me at my worst, my saddest, and I wish that he now could see me getting ready to fly.

That is when I miss this direct physical connection the most, when I have something to celebrate, something to share.

I was recently speaking with a friend who's father died. He told me that he hadn't really cried too much or been to upset and that this made him feel guilty. Walking down the street, not too long ago, I saw Richard Geer. I picked up my phone and called my mom, she was very excited. Seeing Richard Geer means nothing to me, but wanting to share with my mom, who loves him, meant a lot to me. I think that if my mom were dead, those would be the moments that is would hit me and make me cry. I think the moments that you want to share with people and you can't, those are the roughest. I explained this to my friend and he said that yes, there are times when he wants to call his father and share something, and those are the times that it hits him that he can't, ever again.

I wish that there was a way to speed up the process of "boyfriend" to "friend". I wish that I could continue to share everything about myself and all my wins with this intense connection. But, I can't. I know this, and it frustrates me. This isn't even something that is up to him, but also up to me. I don't know how I would respond if I were even sitting next to him, I don't even know what emotion would go through my body, or how I would react. I'd try to smile, but I don't know if I could be convincing enough.

Is the end of a relationship relatable to a death? Both are changed in relationship and parts of them coming to a halt. No, i don't want to die, or anyone to. My point simply being that, I miss my relationship because right now I feel like celebrating, and I wish that I could celebrate with him.

I wish all of life were a celebration.