100th Post - My Neighbors Shitty Music - Break-Up

I just logged into my account to find that I have posted 100 times, including this one.

My neighbor is constantly blasting techno music on the weekend, cramming far too many people in her apartment and basically making me laugh. Laugh because I can think of nothing else to call her but "Jersey". Granted, I have never met her, but I can only assume that she is the first of her friends to have their own place in the city and there for everyone has a free-for-all crash there. Or passes out just outside of her door (yes, this really happens). At this moment she is blasting Dave Matthews Band. For the first time, I don't hate her music.

Today was the first day in a while that I walked around the city without my iPod blaring in my ears, I decided that for a small amount of time I would allow the world to play. It's far too easy to walk around these streets and simply block everything and everyone out. I was standing on the subway platform waiting for the train to carry me back up to Hell's Kitchen from my audition downtown. I couldn't decide on a song, so I decided on none. Truth being, I couldn't decide on an emotion, and therefore I couldn't decide on a song to match it.

It is only Thursday and this has been a very confusing week... I'm mentally exhausted... mentally rundown... mentally obliterated. I'm dealing with a break-up, and it may be perhaps the most healthy break-up I've ever had. We aren't mad at each other, we aren't angry and hating each other, there was no yelling, screaming, or belittling. I'm used to a fight, so I was shocked to find myself upset but at peace. I had no idea sometimes they went hand in hand.

I didn't feel as though something in my relationship was clicking, I felt as though I kept waiting for something to happen, something to change, some sort of wild emotion to flow out of me. I didn't take into consideration that it was possible that I were blocking myself from having an emotion when I've felt them so easily in the past. Now, now I don't know.

My apartment is drenched in gifts, photos, paintings, and memories. It is the first and only relationship I've had yet in this apartment and part of me feels as though it isn't just "my" apartment.

The saddest thing in my life right now is a toothbrush. I'm just not strong enough to throw it away. I'm paying 1,400 dollars a month for a small apartment that I don't even have the emotional right to anymore, because of a fucking toothbrush? The other day I smelled this toothbrush, it doesn't smell like the person, it smells like crest. I hate crest. Knowing that said toothbrush is only a few feet away from me makes my gut retch and tears fall from my eyes.

It's just a fucking toothbrush.