Tonight, Tonight, yes, fucking Tonight

Tonight:

Tonight, yes, fucking Tonight, I've learned many things:

1. I am not going to find the person of my dreams in a bar. This is in no way to say that I haven't already met the person of my dreams at some point, or to say that everyone that goes into a bar is not worth my time. This is just coming from the point of view of the sober bartender serving everyone that is fucked up out of their minds.

1A. I drink, I am normal. But rarely to the point that I can't speak. And further more, if you slur when you ask me on a date, chances are I will say no. Call me picky.

1B. I don't do hard drugs. Ganja is not a hard drug. But it seems that everywhere you turn around in clubs someone is stuffing something up their nose. I've heard the argument that, "everyone does it". But no, that's not true, I can name 10 people that don't to every 1 that I know that does. I personally don't care if you do, I have friends that do, and I don't think it's a huge deal. But I don't want to date someone that does. I think that's fair. I can't even say that I have never done it, because I have, and it didn't seem like a big deal to even do it. I've done it enough to know that I don't need it, want it, and I don't like how it makes me feel.

1Ba. In a perfect world, I would rather be the drug that you are addicted to. I want someone to be addicted to me, not be able to get enough of me. I want someone to chop me up into little pieces on a fancy mirror and snort me up in a one dollar bill. Ok, not really, that may have been going to far.

1C. Where the Hell do people hang out besides bars? This is when it hit me, I need to focus more on doing the things that I love and less on finding someone that I can do the things I love with. If that didn't make sense, think of it this way; If I only do the things I love, then I will only find people that also enjoy doing the things I love. This sounds simple, but for some reason I guess it never really crossed my mind. Some how in some way, tonight it all clicked. I just need to focus more on my career and on myself, less on what's going on around me. I need to create more of my own world and live fully in it. This probably sounds self-centered, but whatever, so many people have already been telling me that I am, so I might as well make it come true. Plus, I'm 25, I have plenty of years to worry about everyone else later, maybe it is time I took control and just focused on me?

2. Sometimes you can't say everything you want to. Sometimes you really are between a rock and a hard spot. I can't even say what I want to on here, or to anyone.

2a. I miss my ex like crazy sometimes. At moments it almost seems overwhelming and I choke, I can't breathe. Other times I think that I made the "right" choice and I don't think twice. Sometimes I wake up and miss him, sometimes I just wake up and make myself eggs and don't think about it. My thoughts are fleeting and all over the place. This is why I don't call/text him and tell him that I want him back. I have many many moments where I feel as though I do, and many where I feel as though I don't. How unfair of me would it be for me to call him and say, "Baby, I love you, I miss you, I want to make this work". Have him come over, sleep together and then wake in the morning and think, "oh shit, I have to break up with him again". If I were to so this, it would make me the worst person in the world and only hurt both of us more so. I'm giving myself 30 days to think. 30 days to figure it all out in my head. I can't let someone I care about sit and wait for me, or dangle on a string. I've had it done to me, and it sucks.

2b. I wish I would think things out more before I do them.

2c. I wish I would think things out less before I do them.

3. I must stop looking outside myself.