Tweaks, Turns and Love

One of my closest friends has asked me many times, "What is the perfect person that I see as being my match?" More so, describe that person and the qualities that they would carry. I have a hard time answering this, so clearly I don't really know.

I think that probably somewhere at the top of the list would be to love what you do, your job, your activities, your passion. I want to wake up to someone that is smiling every morning, even when it's raining. I want to marry someone that is so annoyingly happy that it makes me smile. Maybe someone to teach me how to smile more? I don't think that someone can be happy all the time, but a positive outlook would be nice.

I want you to want to change the world. I have full intentions of somehow making an impact on the world and a partner in crime would be great.

Please be open to sharing all of your emotions. Even if sometimes the emotion is for me to "shut the fuck up". Sometimes I need to "shut the fuck up". Although, "please be quiet", might be nicer. :-)

I've often said that I don't know if i've ever been "in love". And this is true, I don't know if I have been. But is it possible to love someone but not be "in love" with them? Does that make your relationship more of a friendship? I love all of my friends, but I'm not "in love" with them. Is it different because you don't sleep with your friends? (most of the time anyways).

I've most recently loved someone and never told him. I don't know if I were "in love", but I also don't think I'd be able to identify it if I were anyways. I don't understand what "in love" is supposed to feel like. Sometimes I'm too focused on my own emotions and not on the ones of the people around me. I am emotionally selfish.

Growing up I was always very focused on keeping everyone else happy that I never paid attention to how I felt. I just wanted everyone to stop fighting all the time. I would always try to be the center of attention so everyone else would forget their problems and leave each other alone. Maybe this is why I want to act so badly? So that people can focus on me, on something else, so they can forget about the hard stuff.

Somewhere along the line I slipped from focusing on everyone else to focusing only on myself and how I feel. I've had a tendency to toss aside other peoples feelings, and not even realize it.

I don't know what I want in the "perfect" person. I'm not even sure how I would identify myself, or what I have to offer someone. This isn't to say that I feel as though I have nothing to offer, because I know I do. I mean more so that I just don't really know what makes me different.

I'm so used to people telling me that I'm attractive, but that I need to smile more. I don't smile a ton because I'm usually thinking too hard, too much. I find it rather funny that people assume if you're not smiling that you are angry, sad, mad, depressed, or have no personality. Maybe I just don't have to smile all the time to prove to the world that I'm alive?

I love to take candid photos of people, my friend when we are out, someone sitting on the couch next to me. Hands. Hands are beautiful. Please let me take your photo, whenever I want. It isn't about looking good, but more so wanting to capture all the beauty that I see in that simple moment.

To love and not be "in love". To be "in love" and not know it. To be loved and feel unloved all at the same time.

How can I end this not with an Alanis song?

Princes Familiar



please be philosophical
please be tapped into your femininity
please be able to take the wheel from me
please be crazy and curious

papa love your princess so that she will find loving princes familiar
papa cry for your princess so that she will find gentle princes familiar

please be a sexaholic
please be unpredictably miserable
please be self absorbed much (not the good kind)
please be addicted to some substance

papa listen to your princess so that she will find attentive princes familiar
papa hear your princess so that she will find curious princes familiar

please be the jerk of my knee
I've fit you always
you finish my sentences
I think I love you
what is your name again no matter
i'm guessing your thoughts again correctly
and I love the way you press my buttons so much sometimes I could strangle you

papa laugh with your princess so that she will find funny princes familiar
papa respect your princess so that she will find respectful princes familiar

please be strangely enigmatic
please be just like my