DNR

DNR

Today I got a call from my dad telling me that my grandmother isn’t improving. They are taking her off all life support and basically letting her go.

At best my grandmother would have been in a wheelchair and need constant taking care of. She never would have wanted that. My grandmother has been the most independent woman I’ve ever known. I wonder if I get some of my wisdom and power from her?

Her husband died years ago, and one of her children. I don’t think she has many friends left, and at best they are the kind that randomly call just to keep in touch.

I wonder what death feels like. Is she trapped in her body right now, unable to communicate but just see what’s around her? Can she even move her eyes to see anything anymore? Maybe she’s just floating above her body, waiting. I wonder if this like when you are really excited to go on a vacation, sitting in the airport, waiting for boarding. She is just waiting for her plane to take off. I wonder if she is trying to say good-bye, and excited to say hello to her dead family and friends again?

Where do we go when we die? Do we just evaporate into air and our energy gets spread out? Do “we” actually go somewhere or just carry on? This isn’t a question of God, because God exists in all these ideas. How can everyone that’s ever lived die and yet me know so little about it?

It’s raining in New York City today, the rain is pouring down. It’s the kind of day that you just sit inside and hope it stops soon. Being in the rain reminded me of how great it feels to let the rain fall on you. I took my umbrella and let the drops cover me. It’s this feeling that everything will be ok. Everything can be washed away, and we can all start over. My grandmother will never stand in the rain again. She will never feel the drops hit her skin and feel like everything is ok. She will never smell flowers again. My grandmother will never sit in front of The Price is Right and yell out the prices, or turn the page of another bad mystery novel.

I think she is ready to go. I think she has been ready for a while. I wish I could have known my grandmother as a person, I wonder what secrets she has and stories that she’s never told anyone.

The last time I spoke to my grandma was December 2nd, and only for 5 minutes. I told her that I bought my plane ticket and couldn’t wait to see her. She was excited and told me that she loved me.

I guess I’m going to be waiting for that plane longer then I had expected.