Self - Someone Else

It has been 9 days since my break up. In some ways I can't believe that it has been that long.. It still feels like it were yesterday, and I do realize that in the long scheme of life 9 days really isn't that long at all. It has, for the most part, been my every thought.

I have good days where I wake up happy and ready for the sunshine, and others where I wake up sad and have no idea what to even do with myself. Sometimes the simple act of throwing my feet to the floor and standing up is too much to handle. I don't think that I'm depressed, but more so find myself lonely and filled with silence.

For the last 8 months, if I woke up alone, my first motion was to reach over, grab my phone and text the person I was dating. We would end up texting back and forth for a while and then I'd get up, have breakfast, catch up on e-mails, go to the gym, and then probably lunch with "the other half".

Now I wake up with only going to the gym to look forward to... yes, going to the gym. As much as I love going to gym, it really doesn't fill the void of human contact. Obviously I still have human contact, just the not the exact type that I'm used to. Surprisingly, I haven't felt less sexual then I am now in a LONG time. It is almost the furthest thing from my mind 99% of the time. I don't think I'm ready to even just be physically close to someone else yet, and really, it's only been a few days, so that shouldn't be too strange.

Now I guess I'm at the point of wondering what I should do with all the things in my apartment that remind me of him. We didn't fight, I don't hate him, I don't want to forget him, but for now I have to find a way to stop thinking about it so much. I need time to think about other things, and I just keep playing scenes over and over in my head. Everything about my apartment reminds me of moments, times, experiences, memories... Do I put all the little things into a box and pack it away? Throw things out? (Which I really don't think I need/want to do). Basically, I spend a decent amount of time in my apartment and I can't spend every minute rethinking things that I can't change.

One of the toughest things for me this far is knowing that he is hurting. I am hurting, but I know I can handle it. I know what my own limits are, I know what I can deal with. He is a grown fully functional human being, but I wish I could just snap my fingers and make it all go away. It sucks when you want to be there for someone, but given the situation, you just can't be. I'm terrified he is going to end up hating me. Terrified. Perhaps if the roles were switched, then I'd hate me? There is no worse feeling in the entire world then knowing that you've hurt someone you care about. If I could bottle everything up myself and deal with it for both of us, I would.

I don't know what the future holds, but I like to think that it has a lot of beautiful sunsets, beach, lots of water, and maybe a few drinks. A lot of years, tons of dancing, picture books for miles, and memories that pass energy into the world forever.

I need to take time and focus on myself, but all I keep thinking about is someone else.