Evolution of a Man

Over the last year I've changed a ton and grown into a man that I am more proud of. I trust myself more then I ever have before and I have more power and belief in myself. I'm on the brink of doing things that I never thought I'd ever really be able and ready to do.

Of the many changes that I see within myself one of them is how I relate and handle my "relationships" with people. A lot of things that once got to me just don't anymore, and I enjoy a lot of things that I never would have been comfortable with before. In my opinion a lot of this is because of the faith and growth I've experienced, I feel like a more secure man, a more secure person in this world. I don't feel like I live on such emotionally shaky ground and I've stopped looking to other people to make me happy. In a lot of ways I've started to not only listen to myself more but to also listen to other people as well. I've grown into more acceptance of myself and there for into accepting other people for who they really are and not what I want them to be. There is a really powerfully emotional change in yourself when you can like everything about someone even if you don't agree with everything about them.

Not too long ago, earlier today, I had someone ask me what "psycho" things I've done when seeing someone. In that moment I really had to think, but as I sit alone in my apartment thinking it becomes ridiculously funny for me to think of the many things I've done. One of my largest flaws that really loves to show it's head when I'm insecure is that I get needy. I turn into a child and want to why and how come about everything. Since I have become a more secure man I am much better at controlling these urges. As much as I would like to lie and say that the urges don't exist, that would be a lie. Part of growth and change though is realizing where you have areas that you want to work on. I don't think anyone necessarily "needs" to "change" anything about themselves, but if you want to, you have to recognize what the problem is first. Because i've let the neediness take over me in the past I've definitely found myself looking like the psycho.

In the past I used to always find myself telling people what they needed to change about themselves. I was very quick to judge and tell them everything that they needed to add up to if they expected me to stick around. What person in their right mind would want to stay with someone already measuring them up? I think i was looking for someone to pick up everything I had left off and to some how "complete" me. Essentially telling the person, I need A, B, and C, and I need you to fit into them, NOW. I type this now with a smile, mainly because over the last year I've learned that everything I thought I needed seems so irrelevant.

I'm at a point where I still have negative relationship "deal breakers" pop up and I simply take a deep breath and ground myself. If anything, I have learned from my mistakes and I'm glad that I made them to begin with. Right now I am questioning my idea of what makes a "good" relationship actually "good". Being raised in middle class mid west America I have been programed that a happy home consists of a wife, husband, cat, dog, 2 cars, and 2.5 children. I wonder now, what would really make me happy? What would make Thomas wake up every morning in a relationship and be content with it? I do believe that one of the many keys to a good relationship is making a pact with your partner, a pact based on honesty, respect, and a choice to a certain degree. Everyday is not going to be roses and sunshine. I never want to go to sleep angry at the person I am with, I don't want to wake up angry, I'd just rather talk about things and take it from there. For so long in the past I've kept things bottled up and just waited for them to explode. And they always explode, you can't keep things hidden forever, life doesn't work that way.

Recently I've been questioning my belief on non-committed relationships. I've always thought that I was someone that could never handle something like that, I'm by far too jealous or maybe too insecure. I think instinctually as a man I want to "own" things, I want them to belong to me, but what beauty is in that? I think part of being with someone is wanting them to grow and expand, having a front seat to the beauty of a full show. Also, instinctually as a man, I/we want to have sex. It is a some what mechanical experience when emotions aren't involved, and emotions have definitely not been involved in every sexual experience I've ever had. With more then 50% percent of marriages ending, there has to be something missing? There has to be something that needs to change, what is the next evolutionary change in relationships? I wonder if now that I am more secure and more understanding of my needs and others, could I handle a change in my mind set? I'm honestly really confused with my thoughts because I've alway just had these ideas. Shouldn't a loving relationship be more based on honesty, trust, and respect then about a list of rules, things you are and are not allowed to do? How and where does one know to draw the lines? Are there no lines? I think that health would have to be a line, I wouldn't want to do anything that could harm my partner physically and/or emotionally. Is monogamy outdated?

Over the last year I've grown tremendously and because of this I am excited to see what the next year will bring as well.