Moving and Running

A few months ago I had my mind set on moving away from New York City and starting my life over again. Again. One of the closest people in my life offered up the advice that I was maybe running away from the life I had created and just wanted to leave my problems behind. I said she was wrong, that I just thought I could be happier in the California sun. As life would work and play out, road blocks fell and stopped me from leaving the city. One road block fell and kept me for a month, then a light at the end of the tunnel and that road block faded. Then another fell and now I'm working through that. Just as I thought I saw another light at the end of the tunnel, another block falls. At this point I feel like I'm just grasping for strings and have no idea where to go or what to do. I keep thinking that there has to be some reason that I'm here in the city, that something has to be lined up for me, I refuse to think that everything doesn't have a reason. I just wish that this "thing" would become more clear because I'm really tired, I'm tired of running towards every light and thinking it is the answer, or something I've been waiting for. As another light fades and another block falls I find myself spinning in circles and again I just want to run away and leave. Start over. I'm so frustrated that I just want to sit and be left alone. I want blocks to stop falling and I want lights to stop shinning, I want to just "be", whatever that even means.

I sometimes wish that I was less emotional, or that I just cared a little bit less about everything. I'm so good at looking like there is nothing going on inside, usually because there is too much.

So maybe my friend was right, maybe I do just want to run away. Maybe I just want to start over and not have to know anyone again. Maybe I just want to drop everything I'm carrying and block it all out. I want to run because I don't know how to move past things anymore. I'm so tired of trying to move past everything and be the bigger person. I'm just tired.



You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere

Anyplace is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we'll make something
But me myself I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car
And I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We won't have to drive too far
Just 'cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

You see my old man's got a problem
He live with the bottle that's the way it is
He says his body's too old for working
I say his body's too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody's got to take care of him
So I quit school and that's what I did

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
And we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still ain't got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You'll find work and I'll get promoted
We'll move out of the shelter
Buy a big house and live in the suburbs
You got a fast car
And I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I'd always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans I ain't going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so you can fly away
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight or live and die this way