Where am "I" in all this?

With this writing class that I am taking we are asked to really dive into ourselves and talk about our feelings, where they come from and then set up a structure for telling a story. As much I share my feelings, I still cap myself at points and cover a lot of my feelings up with laughter.

How far am I willing to dive in? How much am I really able to share when I so frequently try to place blame on others for how I feel. Well, he broke my heart, he said one thing and did another, he this, and he that. Where are all the I's? Where was I when all of the signs were clearly in front of my face and blaring? Where was I when I chose what I wanted to hear and what I wanted to see? I hate to think that maybe sometimes, "I" am the problem and I create my own destiny.

I'm curious to find out why it is that when someone has issues and problems, why am I drawn to them so desperately? Why is that when someone who has their shit together I don't want anything to do with him? Eventually I hope that these few questions will be answered and hopefully the outcomes changed.

Do I only hear and see what I want to? Sometimes I question myself and then I remember moments so vividly that tell me that "No, it's not just you seeing what you want to." I can control my future to a certain degree, but not fully and not all the time. I'd like to find that calm balance, learn how to embrace myself in it.

Where am I in all this? Why does it sometimes just feel like things are all happening around me but not really to me, and then suddenly everything is happening to me and only me?