Tracklist

I'm back.

I feel pressure over the top part of my chest, like a weight pressing down on my heart. My feet are aching from walking home and then to the 42nd street pier. At almost 1 am I felt the need to get out of my apartment and to walk. The only place in this city where you can leave your apartment and find silence is where the water presses against the island walls. We have to beaches in New York City, but i wish that tonight I would have been able to walk along the sand and feel waves crash against my feet.

Finding a bench at the furthest part out I sat and looked down over the edge at the unmoving water. It was peaceful like rippling glass. I wish we could see stars from the ground in New York, but for the most part they are covered by clouds or smog or the lights from building tops. I used to have access to the rooftop of my old apartment building. Sometimes at night I would go up there with beer or wine and just sit there starring up at the stars, at the clouds, listening to the horns and sirens that would fill the night. I've always wanted to make love under the stars, in the stars, with the stars.

The world only makes sense to me when I am outside at night with just my thoughts. These are usually the moments where I have the least thoughts, where I am the most at peace. As much as I love the peace of being quiet and alone, nothing compares to the peace I feel after giving a great performance. Although the two are very different they are also very much the same. Both situations leave you breathless and out of your head. I have to stop judging myself and honer my emotions more. I think it's funny that honer looks like boner when you read it quick.

I'm back.

My right arm has the shakes and it is holding sadness for me. I feel sad inside right now and my arm has decided that it wants to take care of it for me. I can feel it moving into my shoulder and my chest. My lips start to quiver and then it hits my eyes. Single tears.

Just like that the emotion is gone because I decided to fully acknowledge it and not hide it.

I don't think of myself as a sad person, but it does seem to be a lot of fuel for me creatively. Pretty much any really intense emotion seems to be fuel for me but the ones I seem to feel the most intensely are sadness, anger, happiness, and fear. Although 3 of those 4 seem like "bad" emotions, I'm learning to not put them in categories. There are no "good" and "bad" emotions. Emotions remind us that we are alive, that we are living, breathing, experiencing and human.

I'm back.

I feel tension in my feet. My toes are pointed up and waiting for me to relax them and tell them that everything is alright. It is, my feet can relax because I'm not running anywhere. I am okay with where I am, right here, right now, sitting on my couch and in this moment.