Afraid of Anger

In my first year of acting class we would do freedom rifting. Basically we would stand and stare at each other and then say whatever came up. When ever someone would say they didn't like something about me, get angry, or look unhappy I would drift into this mode of saying, "I'm sorry". It came down to my teacher telling me that I was no longer allowed to apologize. He would ask me what I was apologizing for, why was it my responsibility to try and keep everything below the boiling point? For a long time it was very difficult for me to just say, "so what?" and leave it at that.

It took months before I was able to tell someone to even fuck off, or that I didn't care if they were angry. It took months following that for me to be able to even say that I was mad. I still find myself doing the same thing. I'm so quick to tell people that I'm not mad, but I am. I'm fucking pissed sometimes, and what's the problem with that? Why do I feel like it's okay for everything else ot get pissed off except for me? What happens if I express my own anger that I'm so afraid of?

As of now, tonight, I'm no longer going to sit back and try to keep the top from flying up. If I'm pissed I'm going to tell you, I'm going to express it, and I don't care if you like it or not. I'm so in touch with my "happy" feeling, it's time that I got just an comfortable with my "angry" ones as well.