The Last Post of 2008

In the park
Under the stars
Sometimes I can feel the magic errupting around us
Inside of us
You and me
We will change the world
Me and you
One day they'll all see
Snow banks
Dreams and aspirations
Flakes fall
Lost souls of imaginations drift close to earth
I'd paint myself for you
Half of me as you
Half of me as me
Drain ourselves just to be
Whatever it means to be
Lost and unforgotten
What is it we are so afraid of
You and me
Mainly me
Because I know you
And you'll continue
I don't think you know yourself as well as I know you
If you did then you'd be happy
You'd be in love
You'd see your light
Sometimes it's so bright
I can't see
I can't
I can't
That's what I like about you
One of many things
Sometimes you're so bright
So full
Undying
But I get it
I know everything about how you feel
I know everything about every tear you've shed
My one wish for you is that you'd see
That you'd not run from your reflection
That you'd let him go
That you'd let yourself go
I wish I could cut your cords
I wish I could save you
We think alike
So I get it
I get it
Why do we always feel like we are rotting
Unearthing
Crumbling
Constantly climbing
Slipping
Holding onto invisable ropes
Rain falls
We feel cleansed
But it's fleeting
Just like most other things
And this too shall pass
We just need to wait
Wait and see
So stay
And it's ok
Cry
Cry yourself to sleep
Don't stop
Scream
Let the water overflow and melt you away
Breathe it in
Just take it all in
All we have is today
So just breathe
Breathe it all away

4 (again)

Shades of Blue For You

I made you this painting
I hope you like it
I thought maybe you could hang it in your new apartment
Or something
It's from a photo
Remember, you know
The last night I saw you
That night I told everyone I was in love with you
Oh, I didn't know you had company
I, ummm, I should have called
I'm sorry, I ummm
Yeah, so I guess I'll be seeing you
Glad to know you're doing okay
Yeah, of course, great to see you too
Yeah, definitely, you should stop in

I made you this painting
I hope you like it
But you'll never see it
I did it to get over you
I thought maybe you'd escape my body through some shades of blue
Clearly it didn't work
Or u wouldn't be thinking about you now
As I know you aren't of me

I wrote you this poem
I hope you like it
But I know you'll never read it
I did it to get over you
I thought maybe you'd escape my mind through all these lines
Maybe over time.


Going For Me

You said that I have this whole tortured artist thing going for me
I said tortured artist died out in the 90s
So who am I standing before you
My cowboy boots and plaid shirt
What's behind my dirty hair and clothing
What 90s soul do you equate me with
Who can I be to you
I'm not your Kurt Cobain
But maybe he was onto something
With a bullet in the head you can't question him
I'm more of a rip off then Courtney Love
Suck my blood
Feed on me

You said I've got this whole pretty face thing going for me
When you're gay pretty faces die out in their late twenties
No amount of moisturizer or products can change this chain of events
Or the fact that you mainly just see my face and body
Imagine it all over you
And what was that
I'm whoever I tell you I am
With that I'd roll away and never acknowledge you again
Well, maybe through a poem

You said that I have this whole amazing thought processes thing going for me
You wanted to crawl inside my head
Pick apart my syllables
And explain myself to me
Make me hear what you do
So I gave you a ladder
I let you in
The last thing I remember is seeing your back to my eyes
And then your feet in the distance

I've got this whole tortured artist thing for me
Those people never live past their thirties
But they've had enough emotions to make them 90
I've got this whole pretty face thing going for me
Who gives a fuck
I've got this whole amazing thought process thing going for me
I'm silently driving myself crazy
You're going to remember me
And just seeing my spinning wheels in the distance


You Think I'm Crazy

You think I'm crazy
I can't complain
I've seen your idea of sane
I can't argue
You're not worth the battle
In the past I'd crack and create my backbone for you
Reassemble
And incorporate
Build myself up to be who you need me to be
I can be all the parts you're clearly missing
The regurgitated soul
I yearn to lick your wounds
Heal you and through me you can see
You think I'm crazy
And I can't complain
You like crazy
You hate that it makes you feel safe
Everything normal you throw away
Discomfort heals in difficult times
Discomfort finds safety and fucks it sideways
Dirty how you like it
In ease in your indecision
Carefully premeditated
The score is set before your first move
You think I'm crazy
And I can't complain


Snow

Snow crunched under our boots
A soft breeze blew my hair over my eyes
Your hand was warm as it brushed it away
Your lips soft on my forehead
Down the trail people played instruments
And sang songs I hadn't heard since being a child
Your hand wrapped around mine
Snow crunched below our boots
It's amazing to me
The way another person can fill you up
And the way they can drain the world from you
Before the confrontations
And all the attacks
The questions
And dropped calls
Before everything got confused
Misread
Undelivered and belittled
Before my ego got involved
And before we stopped talking
Snow was crunching below our boots
Your lips were soft and hands warm
This is how I choose to remember you

4 new poems

Here is small set of poems that I wrote over the last week. Trying something new with them. They would all still need to be re-worked, but here are the bare bones.


Obsessive

Obsessive
Compulsive
Captivating
In line
And towing
Somewhat meditating
You're so beautiful when you're drunk
And you're drunk
All the time
So compulsive in your trust
Obsessive in your yearnings
Captivating and corrupting
Why are the seas never the same after you drift away
Forever and nothing
Anywhere but here with me
A signal unknowing
Again at my knees
With this stake in my back
And my pulse quickening
I stare up for the answers
The answered
I find nothing
Drifting and dreary
Dreaming and framing your face in my mind
Arts and crafts
Undelivered
I took all these pictures for you
Wrapped my windows for you
Cleared out my space
Hid in the doorway and waited
Protected
Protesting
You came and you left
The storm flew through
My body detached and enduring
Obsessive
Compulsive
Captivating
In line
And towing
I'm somewhat meditating
I'm beautiful when I'm drunk
I wish you only saw me drunk all the time

Every Line

I look for myself in every line
Every space could be my face
I read and learn and listen
But now it's just changed
All the freedom has been sucked away
I look for myself in every line
Some new way for judgement
Something new to say
A simple look and a nose turned away
All is fair when we all play games
Twisted and tightened and fastening
I look for myself in every line
Its become a new addiction
One I can't get enough of
Winding roads
Turn to twisting lies
Blindsided and unthoughtlessness
I look for myself in every line

500

I spent 500 days with you
That's how long it took
500 days to want you gone forever
500 nights to never want you anywhere near my bed again
500 nights swallowing all your shit
Your reasons
Your excuses
It took 500 nights for me to walk away from you
500 I love yous that I never meant
500 tears
I don't care if I ever see you again
It took me 500 days to see I'm better then you
500 tries and finally I'm gone
Your bags are packed and in 500 more I'll have forgotten you ever existed
I'll smile and I'll spin
I'll grab and pour
500 days with you
That's all it took
A partial life time to know you don't matter
To anyone
500 good-byes
I've been leaving since the day I met you

Fireworks

You taste like magic
My fingers spark
A million fireworks over your skin
Your eye burn like fire
They keep me warm
All over my body
Smooth
Your skin is silk
Drape yourself over me
Cover me in all the stars in the sky
Snap
Remember this moment forever
Snap
Blue highlights every inch of your muscles
Every fiber of your being
Twist
Turn
I'm cradled up
You taste like magic
My fingers spark
A million fireworks over your skin

The Week

I just spent a rather entertaining week in Michigan. I haven't posted anything new in over a week. But I have a large updated planned for later today. Just have to get it al prepared. Hope everyone had a great holiday!!

T

My Mom

My mother had brain surgery when I was a child. Afterwards she had a shaved head and scars that ran on the right side of her head, from the top of her ear, behind and around. She had a cut on the left of her neck. It looked like a question mark. I remember the first time I walked into the hospital room and saw her... I was apx 8-9 at the time. After the surgery every now and then she would have me feel her scars, I remember running my fingers over them and thinking that it felt like a california freeway. Or at least what I envisioned one to look like if you could touch it from the clouds. Every now and then a stitch would become loose and start to fall out. They were tiny and black.

This is a piece I created. It's my mothers head.

Summerland

I've been listening to this song all day. I love it. Enjoy.



SUMMERLAND by EVERCLEAR

let's just drive your car
we could drive all day
let's just get the hell away from here
for I am sick again-
just plain sick to death
of the sound of my own voice
we could leave behind
another wasted year
just get some cheap red wine
and just go flying

we could do the things,
all the things you wanted to
no one cares about us anyway

I think I lost my smile
I think you lost yours too
we have lost the power to
make each other laugh
let's just leave this place
and go to summerland
just a name on the map
sounds like heaven to me

we could find a town-
be just how we want to be
no one here really cares
about us anyway
we could find a place-
make it what we want it to be
no one really gives a fuck
about us anyway
we could live-
live just like we want to live
no one here really cares
about us anyway
we could be-
everything we want to be
we could get lost in the fall
glimmer sparkle and fade
the sparkle and fade
fall glimmer sparkle and fade

forget about our jobs at
the record store
forget about all the losers
that we know
forget about all the memories
that keep you down
forget about them
we could lose them in the
sparkle and fade
we could leave them behind
in the sparkle and fade
yeah sparkle and fade
fall glimmer sparkle and fade

Thank You

Thank you to everyone who has e-mailed me with support, questions and comments. They are muchly appreciated and always read. I apologize if I don't reply to everyone, please don't take it personal. And please continue to read and never shut down, always feel. 100%.

Happy Holidays and all the best,
Thomas Whitfield

untitlied

I graduated high school
Moved to New York City
Went to film school
Fell in love
Fell apart
Slept with someone I didn't care about
Just to see how it felt
I've done some coke
Dropped ecstasy once
And shrums in Thailand
Broke a few hearts
Acquired a niece
Missed my family
And created a second one
I mixed my own blood into paint for art
It looked like shit and I threw it away
Discovered some things you just can't change
I've always felt I was different
But never said I was special
I assume everyone else thinks the same way as me
I'm wrong
I've been right
Never cheated on anyone
But I've lied a million times
I live a lot in my head
And I don't hate it
I graduated from high school
A week later
I moved to New York City

A Favorite Picture

After a particularly messy night on Sunday, Alfie, Billy and I stopped off at McDonald's on 42nd street. We often do this after what we have nicknamed Shit Show Sundays. Billy is clearly in love with his fries, I'm guessing that's what that face is?

Positive to be Negative

Today I went with a friend to get HIV tests. If you're a gay man, this can fall into any day. We made lunch at my place, I packed my gym clothing, walked up to United Colors of Benetton (which is having a huge 50% off sale), and then stopped off for HIV tests. The usual tuesday afternoon.

Now, I get tested pretty regularly, usually ever 3-6 months. I don't have unprotected sex, and I really don't put myself at risk. You are always escorted into a room, they give you the run down of how you can get HIV, what to do to protect yourself, and what to do if you were to test positive. They ask you how many sexual partners you've had in the last amount of time, and so on. Then they take what is like a hard cotton swab and run it along your gums, upper and lower. Then you sit.. and sit.. and sit and wait for what feels like 4 hours but is actually apx 10 minutes. I assume that this must be what it feels like when waiting for a pregnancy test. Luckily I've also never had any close calls with that either, but I don't have sex with chicks, so I'm pretty sure I won't have to deal with that. But hey, ya never know. That's not entirely true, I think I'd like to have a kid or two eventually. Either way, I wouldn't be the one peeing on the stick, so this is as close as it gets.

Although I never have unsafe sex, I always get freaked out when waiting. I think about how much my life would change if I were positive. How many people I would have to tell, how much my life would also not change. Wouldn't I still be the same person? Just heavily medicated. Would I date someone that is positive? If they are positive, is that reason enough to say you don't deserve my love? I guess not all of those questions are as cut and dry as yes or no. At least not for me.

I once had a friend who worked for the Gay Man's Health Clinic. Everyday it was his job to take tests and tell people if they were positive or negative. He told me stories about guys trying to jump out of windows, trying to stab themselves and all sorts of stories. Everyday he had to deal with this. I think a good day for him was not having to tell someone they are positive. You could see the weight on his shoulders, in his face, in his smile. He may have been the saddest person energetically that I've ever met. Also beautiful in that tragic-I-want-to-save-you kind of way.

Then the doctor tells you if you are positive or negative. I am negative. If I were positive, I wouldn't write about it on my blog. I wouldn't want to announce it that way. So perhaps I am slightly biased as to how I would treat the situation. I try to be honest, and open and clear. A lot of the time it gets thrown back in my face, but I don't mind. I wouldn't stop sharing my stories or experiences for anyone. Nor would I ever be embarrassed by them. They are emotions and we all have them, so who gives a fuck? But with the topic of HIV, I might be a little more choosey. And statistically speaking, I have most likely had a sexual partner that was positive. I am surprised at the amount of young guys I meet in NYC that want to have unsafe sex and/or are positive already. I remember growing up thinking that I only wanted to have sex with one person my entire life. My morals have changed, but not to a degree that I just don't care. I do care. I care too much probably. In fact, today I was called a prude. But whatever, at least this prude is negative.

*I don't think if you are positive that you can't also be a prude, anyone can be a prude. Anyone can be positive. So do everyone a favor, EVERYONE GO AND GET TESTED.*

My Heart Beats

My Heart Beats

My heart beats
My heart beats a lot
With every thump a new thought
So much sometimes I wish I could make it stop
I'd love the silence
I'd love the sleep
I'd love to stop thinking
My gifts
My destroyer
Myself
My heart beats
My heart beats a fucking lot
With every thump a new thought
Can't I make it stop
My own reoccurring chains
Scheduled guest appearances
Can't you all just disappear
My heart beats
My heart beats a fucking lot
Maybe too much for you
Too much for me
Don't you think I'd rather not think
Don't you think I'd rather be thoughtless
So laughing
And joking
All the time
I'm the self proclaimed king of hearts
Did I mention my heart beats a fucking lot

About Last Night...

I had a great time. My friends are all amazing. Even the ones that couldn't make it out. I'm still smiling, even when I'm waking up hungover. I love seeing my apartment covered in McDonald's, it means the night was a success.

You're So Vain

Carly SImon "You're So Vain"



You walked into the party
Like you were walking onto a yacht
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye
Your scarf it was apricot
You had one eye in the mirror
As you watched yourself gavotte
And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner
They'd be your partner, and

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

You had me several years ago
When I was still quite naive
Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair
And that you would never leave
But you gave away the things you loved
And one of them was me
I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

Well, I hear you went up to Saratoga
And your horse naturally won
Then you flew your Lear jet up to Nova Scotia
To see the total eclipse of the sun
Well, you're where you should be all the time
And when you're not, you're with
Some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend
Wife of a close friend, and

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

At Concerts

When I think of the times in my life that I have felt the most free, the main memories that pop into my head are ones that took place at concerts. I am in love with music that was popular in the 90’s. Still.

The first concert I ever went to was Alanis Morissette. I was a freshman in High School, I had purple hair, wore a bright striped white shinny button up, a glitter dog collar, and dark baggy jeans. One of my friends had been given tickets and I was more excited then I had ever been in my entire life. I was in love with Alanis Morissette. I had a huge glitter sign that said, “I love you Alanis”. We were in the 14th row, just to the left of center stage. It had been the Alanis and Tori Amos tour 5 ½ week tour. The actual concert, well, I remember very little. I was crying too hard the entire time. I wasn’t kidding when I said I was in love. I took a huge stuffed teddy bear in which I unsuccessfully tried to launch on stage. But in the end, I did get one of Alanis’s guitar picks that she had played You Learn with. This was my first concert experience, and I just remember being so happy and feeling a huge release. And yes, I know I was a huge dork. I’m still a huge dork.

In the past few years I’ve been to a ton of concerts and remember every single detail of most of them. I’ve now seen Alanis close to 30 times. I’m seen Tori Amos. Third Eye Blind. Everclear. Cracker. Matchbox 20. The 52’s. Marilyn Manson. Garbage. The Backstreet Boys. Robyn. NSYNC. The Smashing Pumpkins. Lennon. Joydrop. Mandy Moore. Angels and Airwaves. Avril Lavigne. Bif Naked. Bush. Moby. The Cure. Dido. Fiona Apple. Madonna. Meg and Dia. Michelle Branch. Pink. And many more, these are just the ones that I think of at 5:15am.

Every single concert I have some attachment to. For me, going to a concert is one of the few places I find actual freedom. There is something in hearing live music that makes me lose my mind, in a good way.

My junior year in high school I spent 400 dollars for my friend Amy and I to have 3rd row center tickets for Tori Amos. The concert was great, but getting lost with Amy on the way home was the best part of the night.

Third Eye Blind was awesome the first time I saw them, the second time, not so much. It was a few months ago and the crowd was filled with bitchy high school girls and their boyfriends that thought they were hot shit. How they even had any idea who
Third Eye Blind was at this point, I’m not sure. They haven’t had a huge hit since the mid 90’s.

I’ve been to many concerts with guys that I had been seeing at the time, and I think that is the true test. Can you stand going to a concert with Thomas, and still like him? When I saw Michelle Branch, it was for a boy, she was his favorite and I got us tickets. That night we broke up after the concert. Not because of me though, remember all those news stories about student and teacher relationships that were a lot more popular say 8 years ago? Well, he had been sleeping with one of his teachers, and was in the process of going back forth to court. Clearly, I’ve always known how to pick them. If you’re broken, GREAT! I CAN FIX YOU!

One of my sweetest memories of a concert is going to see Everclear for the first time. It was on 42nd street and I was going with a guy that I was totally into. I think I made him listen to a few of their songs before hand so he would have some idea who they were. I think he recalled having heard a few of them before. At concerts, like I said, I lose control. I jump around, I scream along to the lyrics, I dance, and I cheer for everything. At one point I remember singing along at the top of my lungs, and I remember feeling him grab my hand and holding it. I am very much a person that loves the simple things. I love it when someone rubs my back, holds my hand, grabs my leg under the table, or leans over to kiss my forehead. After the concert, he confessed something along the lines of looking around and seeing a ton of people screaming along to every lyric. He said that he though, how can these people know every lyric to these songs, and then he looked over and saw that I was one of them. For me, this would be endearing. I love to see people loving what they are doing. Having true fun, and not faking it. I imagine that possible at that moment is when he felt the need to touch me and hold my hand. Of course, I could way over thinking it, but I like to romanticize everything, so that’s how I choose to remember it. The second time I went to see Everclear, I actually got the date wrong and we showed up a week early. We were by Union Square, so we ended up stopping into Strand Book store and I picked up the entire series of Harry Potter. I decided that it was a good time to read them. The next week I went back to the show and I had a great time. They were still good, but not as great as the first time.

I was 20 when my ex of 2 ½ years and I broke up. I was devastated (this is not the guy from above. In fact, I don’t know if my ex and I ever went to concert together?). But in order to try and feel better, my friend Ron and I booked a trip to LA on the last minute for one night and got tickets to see Alanis. He stood outside in the pouring rain for 5 hours so we could have front row standing room. We were front and center, drenched, and there isn’t a thing I’d change about that day. I totally forgot about everything that was happening in my life and I sang along and smiled.

The first time I saw The Smashing Pumpkins I was still in my goth stage, black hair, eye liner, spiked dog collars, and combat boots. That was the first time I ever went crowd surfing. IT WAS AMAZING. Everyone lifts your body into the air, you get thrown back and forth wildly, out of control, and just hop that you make it to the front of the stage and don’t fall to the floor. I fell a few times. The second time I saw The Smashing Pumpkins was just over a month ago. We had front row seats that I had dropped a lot of money for, again. It was one of the best shows I’ve ever seen in my life. The energy level was unbelievable. They slammed on their guitars for close to three hours, playing probably 10 songs. I drank way too much and smiled the entire time. There was a kiss on my forehead, a hand on my back and tons of pictures taken. Once of which I have framed in my living room and I recently did a painting of.

When I am in front of live music I am free. I feel like I can fly. I feel like they are my words, my life, my experiences. I feel like it is my voice, or at least that my voice is part of what I am experiencing. I always feel moved and safe. And above all else, I always feel loved. This has nothing to do with the actual person I am at the concert with, but more so the connection you feel to the artist and how it taps into your body. At concerts, I feel loved for me, for every ounce of my off key singing along, my awkward dances, my cheers between every song, and most importantly, at concerts, I feel loved by myself.

Abridged Version of Prologue

This is an abridged version of the prologue to the book I've been working on. The book itself is mainly about my parents divorce. Please note, this is something I wrote at one time and I find it rather funny. I in no way plan to or have any intentions of jumping from my window, taking too many pills or blah blah blah. So if you are going to read, read it with a grain of salt and enjoy the sting. :-)

Thomas

"I am 24 years old, 5'11.5, yes, under 6 feet. My entire life past the age of 17 I have been told how attractive I am. This means nothing to me. Now I weight 180 and have 6.6% body fat. I spend 1-2 hours everyday at the gym, work out with a trainer 3 times a week, an hour of cardio burning 1200 calories at least three times a week. My diet has been called completely obsessive and unnecessary at times.

I live on the 27th floor of a luxury highrise in midtown Manhattan. I have floor to ceiling windows that face out towards time square, I'm on 9th avenue. This means I can go wherever I want, basically be anywhere in the city in 20 minutes or less, but far enough away from all the tourists that I only think about shooting them all from my window half the time. There are of course many problems with this, one being the building directly across the street from me. There is a terrace on every floor and there is no possible way that I could point a riffle out the window and not have someone see. Another problem is that I've never shot a gun, I have no desire to learn and therefore I would most likely miss and every one of those annoying tourists would get away. And even if I did happen to hit one, it would probably be some raging gay that comes into the bar I work at and then I'd just feel bad about it. I think it's a little rude to have someone paying your rent little by little through tips and then turn around and shoot them. I've been in New York for over five years, but I'm still a Michigan boy, and we just don't shoot people that help us. We, as Michiganderans, are more into welfare and meth labs. Tomato - tomato. Of course I'm trying to say the second tomatoe with a French accent, but I don't speak and/or write French. Although I've had sex with a few French boys, it's nearly impossible to learn an entire language that way. I say nearly impossibly because I may one day have to answer to why I've slept with so many people and I'd like to have a reason that can't be proven wrong. I can always refute with "You weren't there and you don't know what was said between us! And how dare you ask about my sex life!"

The window that faces to the outside world opens way to far if you ask me. On a nice breezy day I can't help but love to have them gaping open and allowing the city in. But they also seem very enticing, my whole body could easily fit out the window with no problem what so ever. Even if I were the perfect height, 6'2, I could still climb out the window. I partially know this from coming home drunk, smoking pot and leaning my entire body out the window except for my feet. I don't have the guts to jump. A psychiatrist might say that I don't really want to die, and he or she would probably be right. Also, I'm a very dramatic person and I've known this since I was child. Once I was playing Genises with my friend, we were in probably 7th grade. Well, that fat fuck drop his glass of orange juice over my video game system and I screamed bloody murder. Didn't he know that this system was the only thing I had in my life that I loved? The system didn't end up being broken, and the world continued to spin. This is just one of many instances in which my family must have thought, "what a queen. ".

At these moments, leaning over the edge of the window I thought about how fucking easy it would be to just fall. The wind hitting your face, my arms open, fingers spread and eventually, nothing.

Nothing.

Half way down I'd probably think of my mothers face and how she still needs me. I would wish I hadn't jump and suddenly be filled with fear of burning in Hell. I can't jump because my mother needs me, she lives 600 miles from me and she still needs me. Can't I do anything without her interfering? It's just a little jump for Christ sakes. Also, if I were going to jump I would want to at least fuck up a few people’s lives in the process. I've never seen someone fall from a building, besides the 9/11 videos, which at this point seem like glamorized Hollywood bullshit. What kind of country wants to see videos of people jumping from buildings? It's sick. So for the record, I would NOT want my jump filmed and that includes some little prick with his cell phone out filming New York. He would probably be Chinese and standing in the middle of the street at the time with traffic honking at him. I would however want to jump maybe during the intermission of a show. I live above Playwrights Horizons and Theater Row. There is always an annoying crowd outside covering the street every night around 7, right before show time. I'd love to see those hootie tootie bitches and their husbands sit through a show after the production I gave them.

There is of course a problem with this too. At the fourth floor my building jets out, my building is set back from the sidewalk, therefore I would never ever hit near them but only be some distance boom sound above their heads. I highly doubt even a splatter of blood would reach the sidewalk or taint one simple over priced dress.

My best chance then would be that someone might be looking out his or her window and see it all. Either in my building and just see me float past, or across the street. Hell, if I assume one of them would see a little riffle pointing out a window then I could for sure count on them seeing an entire body fall.

Another problem, the building across the street is an artist building and one of those little fuckers always has a camera out. And as previously said, I don't want video of me to pop up on the Internet. Especially that faces of death bullshit. Those people are for lack of a better term, retarded.

I'm usually home during the day, so to jump it would have to be then, but most people in my building work 9-5, so by the time they got home I'd just be a stain if they happened to look out their window. And in New York, most people don't look down, they look out. Out at all the pretty lights and blah blah blah. That's the problem with New York, we are too busy looking out then looking down at the shit we are standing in. I pay 1700 a month to split a one bedroom with someone else that makes a decent amount of money and neither of us can afford our own place in a decent location. We pay way too much for food, and we never reheat the leftovers.

So during the day is out of the question, unless of course there is a matinee at the theaters and I can find some way to avoid the ledge below. And no matter how many dreams I have where I can fly, there is still something in the back of my head saying I can't, so diving out past the ledge may be impossible.

Jumping at dusk would be ideal. At night no one could see, but at dusk I'm usually face down in cheap white wine and don't have the energy to get up. Planning to jump out a window I've found is much more complex then one would think.

A trained therapist would agree with the psychologist and say I really just don't want to die. A therapist would smile and tell me to just breathe. A psychiatrist would write me a prescription, say take one pill a day, and I'll see you in two weeks.

Neither answer is wrong, nor does each answer really matter. Because rather I'm on pills, it's night, day, dusk, or drunk; I just can't seem to get out of bed anyways."

I

I Wanted

I wanted to slow dance with you
Feel your arms around me
And your lips on my forehead
I wanted to feel your warmth
I didn't imagine you'd leave so quickly
Or the shock to my system
I wanted to hold your hand at the movies
Argue over who got to pay the check
See eachother at 3am because we couldn't stand to be apart
I wanted to slow dance with you
Convience me that nothing else in the world matters
Feel your arms around me
So heavy
So strong
Protected
And your lips on my forehead
Nuzzle into me
Your breath on my neck
Hands sending shivers through my body
You can't help but terrify me
I forget what's really happened
And what I've dreamed into reality

I Wish

I wish I didn't feel so much
I wish could just be here and only here
I wish I didn't think about tomorrow
I wish I could enjoy right now
I wish I was more free
I wish I could see myself subjesctively
Would I cut my ear away
Or give my arm to you
I wish I had a simple life
A simple 9-5
I wish I didn't have to listen to my heart pound
That the noise wasn't so deafening

Rock Star

Sometimes I forget, "so what, I'm still a rock star".

The Last 5 Days

These last 5 days have changed my life in little ways. Ways that I don't think will have a lasting effect necessarily but things for thought now.

I hung out with someone Monday night that I really didn't think I ever would again. It was funny and brilliant. I feel like the waters below us have cleared up.

I finally let someone go that I had been waiting on. I hate when questions lay around people, and rather then waiting for them to be answered I threw them away. I hate to cut people out of my life, but after my last tear for the person fell, I deleted his number, him off my friend list, and threw out his favorite candy that I had holding onto. I think holding onto physical things can be just an bogging down as mental things. This also reminds me, I need to clean all the boxes out from under my bed, apparently this can cuz you to sleep better. Half the time I think all that energy stuff is bullshit. Then again, didn't I basically just say candy in a cupboard was haunting me?

Closer. I finally found some sort of peace or closer with someone that I has stuck in the back of my mind for too long. I have a tendency to fall for guys with vices. I think smoking can be sexy, broad shoulders and height drives me crazy. One of my funniest memories of him is his telling me on our first date that he was trying to quit smoking. He had read some book where as you read it you are supposed to be able to cut down smoking and by closing the last page, you are supposed to be to stop fully. He had read the entire book, except for the last page. I'm pretty sure he still smokes, so I guess he never finished the book. After a drunken Sunday night I blurted out to him that he should read my blog, that there is stuff about him on it. Yes, this is why one of my best friends calls me Awkward Thomas. A couple e-mails back and forth after, and I feel ok about things.

I realized also this week, that there is someone in my life that I will always have a soft spot for. He used to do so many things that would irritate me and piss me off. Now I realize that I see his outwardness and out goingness as an obstacle and a challenge. It freighters me, and this is actually why I like him. I think spiritually his freedom is by far more advanced then mine. I think he is always in the moment, has goals, and is more aware of himself more now then ever before.

I had someone try to be my friend again, then try to be more. Then decide they can't be in my life at all. Given our history, I said fine to everything. I'm tired of fighting and his up and downness still exhausts and bores me.

I've received many e-mails, phone calls, and text messages from people that I haven't talked to in literally years. They saw me on the cover of a magazine and wanted to chat and/or hook up. A congratulations is always nice, but when you haven't talked to someone in a long time, is asking to hook up because you look great really appropriate?

All in all, it's been a great 5 days. I've had anxiety, cried, laughed, slept soundly, and had nightmares. I've moved on, came to terms, wrote some good pieces, painted. And I feel lighter then I have in a long time.

Small

Small

Am I blessed
I feel so small
But so many emotions
Maybe I can be big
Maybe if I keep giving I can grow
I feel like I can't give anymore
As if I've given to the point I have nothing left
I'm neither here nor there
Planted safely inbetween
Everyone else is the veriable
I am the only constant
The only thing the same in all these equations
So what is it
What part am I missing
This signle source of inadequacy
Why is it that when you do something people see suddenly everyone wants to talk to you
What about all those times I'm just being me?
Why are these moments so undesierable
Please, just smile
Please, just be pretty
Please, just stop talking

Photos

A photo is a memory that you can't change or forget.

Photo

I have a picture of us
We are both smiling
Ear to ear
Arms wrapped around eachother
I felt like my life was a fairytale
You were my handsome prince
That night I cried on my walk home
"the boy, the boy is in love" played on my iPod
I sent my roommate a text
"I think I'm totally falling in love with him"
A tear ran down my cheek
A smile on my face
The tears tasted salty
I could still feel your lips on mine
Taste you
Feel your hand on my back
Around my waist
Your lips on my forehead
"the boy, the boy is in love"
That's the last night I slept soundly
That's the last night I saw you
Felt you
Saw myself in your eyes
But I have these pictures
Ones where you see me
Ones where we are smiling
Ones where we are wrapped in eachother
They are my proof
For a moment you cared
For a moment I existed to you
For a moment being with me made you happy
For a moment I fell in love with you
"the boy, the boy is in love"

Far Far Away

I wish I could listen to a song
and make you go away
I'd listen to it
Everyday
Just to erase
You
Take you away from my memory
I hate how you have something to say when it doesn't matter
I hate how when I open up you run
I hate how when I'm sincere you just leave
I wish you'd just go away
Far far away
I'm used to this concept
Living in another place
Another form of reality
Far far away
I hate missing how you made me feel
I hate how every song I hear reverts back to you
Every song I hear turns into you
I hate that I love music
I can't stop listening
I hate still thinking you're beautiful
And wonderful
And I don't know how to communicate to you
Another form of reality
Far far away
I wish you'd just go away
I hate how you keep me at arms length
I'm trying to leave
But I keep glancing back
Most of the time you're not looking
And then you grab me
I hate it
Please just go
Far far away
I wish I could listen to a song
and make you go away
I'd listen to it
Everyday

The Most Beautiful

This is the most beautiful song I've ever heard.

If There is a Chance by The Cardigans



the music's playing on
but something's wrong
something's gone
the major's turning blue
and so did you
so did you

I'm noticing the dirt
and it hurts that you left
you really had to go
so you say
so you say

birds leave their nests
and they fly
there's nobody left here but I

if there is a chance
just one in this world
that we'll ever dance
again as it turns
if there is a chance
if there is a way
there's one record left
that you haven't heard

the neighbours had to move
go away
go away
I can't afford to leave
so I'll stay
I have to stay

birds know it's best
to fly
and not stick around and cry

if there is a chance
just one in this world
that we'll ever dance
again as it turns
if there is a chance
if there is a way
there's one record left
that you haven't heard
and I'll keep it spinning...

Your Way Inside

I don't miss you more then I thought possible
But more then I thought I would
You've become my last thought at night
With or without a pill
You always find a way inside
I've had dreams where you make a guest appearance
Ones where you have the staring role
I see your bashful smile
And your beautiful eyes
I see myself in them
One quick blink
You're gone
I wake
Search my sheets
You're nowhere within reach
Closing my eyes
I take a deep breath
Then I twist and turn until sleep finds me
It's the same old story
All the same things
You always find a way in
Then it hits me
With force like slamming into a brick wall
The one I'm working on rebuilding
The one you knocked down so easily
The place I can hide
Inside
It hits me
You're not coming back
It all melts away
I twist and turn and twist and turn and twist and turn
I'm just not a priority
You don't want me
I twist and turn and twist and turn
Eventually sleep finds me
Again
And there you are
Again
You've found your way inside
Again

Lethargic

It's 5am. I've just returned home from work and for reasons unknown I've decided to read some of my poetry from YEARS ago. Probably close to 5-6 years. Anyways, here is a piece that I just read, and I like it still.

For A Moment

For a moment I thought you were beautiful
I pictured you with wings
And I could feel the tears on your head as you kissed my neck
Your head nuzzled into my chest when I promised not to leave
I kissed your forehead.

For a moment I thought you were perfect
I pictured you transcending everything you hated
And I could see you smiling for miles in the darkness
You clean your body like you can somehow wash away everything you hate about yourself away
I watched you and amazing you were.

For a moment I thought you were insane
I pictured you locked up in a jacket
And I could see you happy to be safe in the patted room where no one could hurt you
You broke down and talked yourself into a frenzy
I look at you and I see myself.

Things Thomas Loves at 4am

-Walking home from work with a cigarette (American Spirit, hardly a real cigarette)

-Layers in the winter (especially fingerless gloves, and they really have no point, but make me feel a little homeless)

-The view from my window ( I can't wait to see snow fall over the city from my window, it always carries a magical feeling)

-Old love letters (I've kept every single one that has ever been given to me. I have a poem framed and hanging in my bed room that a boy gave me in 8th grade. He tore it out of his journal and to be honest, I don't even think he wrote it for me. I think he gave it to me because he felt bad about how much I liked him. I even keep the letters that people give me when they are mad at me, or me at them.)

-Cheese burgers from Renaissance with fried well done

-Alfie (for always being able to dance)

-Tweaks ( misery loves company)

-The poster size picture of Billy Corgan I took at a concert and framed this week.

-All of my emotions (I find myself trying to discredit them based on logic, and fuck it. I shouldn't feel badly about feeling intense about anything. It's a nice reminder that I'm alive and kicking)

-iTunes (allows me to purchase albums at 4am that I shouldn't)

-Horrible grammar

-Scruffy 

-Roseanne re-runs

-The cactus sitting in my living room that someone gave to me

-Margaret (even if she has no memory, I think she loves me)

-The lights from Time Square

-Tears

-White t-shirts

-My tattoo

-Drunk text messages (none tonight, but they always make me laugh)

-Playing pool

-Pinball machines

-LOST

-Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream

-Mask class

-The cardboard with the smiley face on it (Kelly sent me a box of gifts with a cardboard piece on top. It had a smiley face drawn on with a marker. Simply two dots and a line for a mouth. I have it framed, it is one of my favorite things in the entire world).

-Concerts (I always find such freedom in screaming along and jumping around. I have so many great memories of concerts and them just being huge releases)

-The scary mask I always photograph my friends wearing

-Peeing

-Doing too much cardio at the gym

-Sundays

-Fairy tales (I get lost in them. Sometimes I think maybe I am just waiting for my life to become one)

-Shoes

-James Franco

-And at this moment "Untouched" by The Veronicas

A Capacity to Love

I’ve lived in NYC for the past apx 4 years. I’m not counting the first year in a half because I was living up in Westchester with my ex.  We broke up somewhere between November and January of 04-05.  I say somewhere in between there because it all seems like such a blur.  I was a complete and total mess for months on end. I was emotionally needy, vulnerable and alone, seemingly, in the middle of NYC. I moved out of his apartment and into my own on Lexington and 23^rd. I was going to school just a few blocks from there, but I didn’t have a ton of friends in school yet, just a couple. And those few definitely touched and changed my life for the better. There was a girl that lived in my dorm building and she would listen to me cry and bitch and moan countless times. We would make popcorn in the microwave that I had snuck into my dorm room, which was roughly the size of a shoebox.  Also I had a friend that lived a few blocks away, and we would hang all the time for a more carefree environment. It was exactly what I needed.

The first guy I “dated” to any capacity after my ex was beautiful. Visually. He looked like a Ken doll, something out of a magazine. He was completely different then anyone I had ever meet before. Beautiful, out going, loud, drunk, obnoxious, a 9-5er. Him being the first person I dated after a long-term relationship, well, he was dead at the take off. I remember when we stopped seeing each other; I unleashed Hell that was clearly not his. At the time it seemed perfect and well deserved, looking back at it now, I just laugh.  We’ve actually tried to “date” on various occasions since then, and we have nothing in common. It’s funny because we are attracted to each other, but beyond that, there’s not a lot there.

Over the last four years, I’ve dated a lot of people for a few weeks, a few months, nothing too serious. This isn’t for a lack of trying, but I didn’t think that “dating” as an adult would be so difficult. I find that usually once a year I fall head over feet over someone. The kind where you instantaneously want to be around the person all the time, where your toes tingle and your stomach turns. You can’t think of the right things to say, but all you want is to be around them, in their presence.  This had hit me exactly 3 times in the last 4 years.

I’m finding that there is a huge difference between “dating” someone you think is a nice person, and someone that you sincerely can’t get enough of. I wouldn’t say that this really means falling in love, but it makes you vulnerable and happy and sick and beautiful all at the same time.

The first person to really make me feel this way just happened to walk into the bar that I was working at one day. I remember lifting a glass, pouring from a bottle, and just having this feeling come over me that I needed to look up and face the door. I did, and that was where he stood. He was with a group of people and it was almost like this kinetic force that made me stare. He was wearing a dark blue hoodie and faded jeans. I gave him and his friend’s drinks my entire shift, then ended up going out to s few bars with them. Him eventually asking to take me out to dinner sometime, of which of course I said yes.  He was drunk, coked up, and I don’t honestly know if he even remembers any of that first meetings.  (One would think this would be the first step to walking away).  We met for dinner one night, chatted the entire time about books and our favorite authors.  We didn’t kiss until our third date, after he has asked me at dinner if it were ok. I still made him wait until after dinner. This continued on for a bit and eventually we stopped talking. I’m not sure exactly what happened to be honest. I’ve placed the pieces together over time and I have a pretty clear story, but at the time I was too proud to ask. So I just walked away.  At times I still wonder, but I see him, and I never ask.

The second was this guy that much like the Ken doll, can be loud, and obnoxious. He wears funny clothing that always makes me smile. I can’t put a moment on the first time I met him, but he handed me his acting card head shot and told me we should have lunch to talk about the school I was attending because he was going to be going there as well. We ended up having lunch at an equinox gym and hanging out. He was with his then current boyfriend at the time and really nothing happened. We would get drunk and end up cuddling, but nothing else. It was cute the way he would always feel guilty in the morning, but still lay in bed for another hour. His then boyfriend was out of the state and had been for weeks. They were in the process of breaking up, which had nothing to do with me, but doesn’t fully clear my name as well. A few weeks later, it was late at night, we hadn’t spoken in a few days and I was invited over. Before I knew it, he kissed me… It was our first kiss, and although I don’t know the first moment I met him, I remember the first kiss like it were yesterday. After words, I asked what had changed and he told me that they had finally broken up. For the next month or so we were inseparable. It seemed as if every single night and day was spent with him. It was in late November when it really hit him that he needed to be alone for a while. This, of course, isn’t what I wanted to hear, and we didn’t talk for months. I completely blocked him out and acted as if he didn’t exist. I ignored him to his face and behind his back. Now we are pretty close and I enjoy talking to him and being friends. But for the small amount of time we spent together, I was tingling all over. We had a “date” night that we would both always dress up for and go it. It was cute, and I cherish the memories.

The third is still an enigma to me. I don’t have a clear story or an idea. I don’t have answers, and I just have questions. And I wait. I wait because everything eventually comes out in the wash. Eventually everything is answered, and eventually I’ll have a full story. This one is much more recent and there fore, I remember every detail. Every smell, every touch. It was again this kinetic energy that is unexplainable and heart breaking when it’s gone.

All of these instances were approximately a year apart from each other.  Perhaps I’m just a needy fall kind of guy. Every now and then I consider “settling” for someone. Someone that I just think is a nice guy, someone that I really don’t feel a huge connection with. And then I meet someone that I feel like has the power to shatter my world, and I run with it. Sometimes it blows up in my face, and sometimes I just let it fade away. And once in a while I just wait it out. The point being, it is an amazing feeling, and it is even more amazing to feel it and know you still have the capacity for it. That perhaps maybe you aren’t as bitter or feel as cheated as you once thought.

It’s amazing to know you still have the capacity to love. 

Learning to Dance

I'm not embarrassed to say, it's been a rough day. 

Learning to Dance

I move too fast
I miss the beats
Before I know what's happening
Before I can hear it
There are two tracks playing
I'm spinning to mine
Lost in ecstasy
Then there's the other
The one where everyone else grooves
I can't seem to catch the beat
I'm too mixed in my own trance
Before I know it
Before I can see it
You're dancing away from me
Teach me the steps
Show me how to lead
And when to follow
Take my hand and guide me
I know I spin in circles
Tapping on a wire that sets you free
I want a dancing partner
Someone who can't wait to feel my body collide with theirs
Feel my sweat drip
Don't let go of my hand
Stare at the stars lighting the floor
A full moon watching us with open eye
Our feet twist and turn
Blending and smashing with every rhythm and rhyme
The same energy follows through me as you
We are puppets on the same string
And nothing can stop you from wanting me
Closer
I can feel your heart beating
Closer
The breath from your body intoxicates me
Closer
I take the lead
And we move with freedom
Within you I see peace and we move together
So free
I move too fast
I miss the beats
And before I know what happening
You're dancing away from me

Too

I'm too proud to tell you I miss you
I'm too strong to say I still care
I'm too frail to shake myself awake
I'm too scared to let go
I'm too good at making excuses to deal with the facts
I'm too angry to tell the truth, to myself
I'm too filled with thoughts to even speak
I'm too busy running to see the world
I'm too willing to fall to your feet
I'm too perfect to feel like this
I'm too alive to allow myself to frown
I'm too ambitious to hold myself down
And I'm too proud to tell you I miss you

I miss you. 

A Subway Ride

So I actually took the subway yesterday, something I rarely do. Not because I always take taxi's, but because I hardly ever leave Hell's Kitchen. And living in midtown, I am centrally located enough to get pretty much anywhere I want within a few minutes. On the subway I wrote this and I like it a lot. 

You Wouldn't Know

Every morning I wake up
Roll out of bed and have a bowl of cereal
I usually have yogurt
And rarely eat egg whites
I always watch Roseanne
Even if I've seen the episode a million times
I check my email and then head to the gym
But you wouldn't know what mornings are like with me

I can recite all of Drop Dead Gorgeous
Probably in my sleep
When I fall for a movie
It lives in me like a human being would
I feel like I have a lot of films running through me
Exploding through my fingers and out my toes
But you wouldn't know what it's like to see that part of me

I have these days where I can't get out of bed
I've convinced myself I need less comfortable sheets
But I know that's not the truth
I've convinced myself that my room is just the right temperature
Also a lie
I lie a lot to myself
You wouldn't know that because you never asked

I make a lot of cookies
Sometimes more lavish desserts
I put the care into them like I'm making them for someone else
But I know they won't get eaten
Not even by myself
They always end up in the garbage
You wouldn't know that because you never let me make you dinner

I can be emotionally unwilling
Bullheaded and completely illogical
I can open up to the point that I cry
And close down so that nothing you did would ever matter
I can create life from nothing
And live peacefully in my head and through my stories
You wouldn't know that because you never listened to me

FUCKING BEYONCE!!

I have hated every single thing that has ever came out of Beyonce's mouth... until today. I am semi ashamed to say that I love the song "If I Were a Boy". It's so sentimental and I think that so many people have felt like she sings in the song, or can at least relate to being on the other side. This in no way makes me want to backtrack through her career and try to find other gems. I'd rather eat rat poison out of any one's mothers pussy then do that. 

Anyways, I'm not talking anymore about her, but I will post the lyrics. 

If I Were a Boy

If I were a boy

even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
and throw on what I wanted and go

Drink beer with the guys
and chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
and I'd never get confronted for it 
cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
so they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I’d put myself first
and make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’ll be faithful,
waiting for me to come home, to come home.

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake,
think i'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
you thought wrong

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
and you don't understand, ohhhh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man
You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

but your just a boy

My Two Favorite Pics

            

Both of these pictures are from this last week. And they are possibly my favorite pictures that have ever been taken with my camera. And both will soon be hanging in my bathroom. The second is already there.

Fantasy

Fantasy

In my head you're perfect
In my dreams you're more then I can stand
I have this fantasy
You're laying in my bed
Light cascades through the windows
There is a beautiful glow that spreads over your smiling face
I want to photograph you
And you abject
I try to convience you that it's not that scary
We roll around until you agree
I'm sitting on top of you
My camera in hand
And you look beautiful
More so then I ever thought possible
I want to show you what I see
How your eyes pierce me
Cut through the lens
Drag me deeper into you
I don't even want you to smile
Just be
Here
Or there
Whatever time of which this is I write
You of course don't get the thrill
You don't see what I do
You can't feel your own eyes
Your own hands
Your own lips
But now I have it
I have my proof
At least in my fantasy I do
And some how
In some way
There would be a record of exactly how I see you
And how you once looked at me

A Song?

So I am taking a stab at a song. I can hear it in my head, but I don't have a clue how to work music into words or the other way around. Either way, think something of slow with an acoustic guitar, and someone else's voice. I'm NOT a singer. :-D

Anxiety overwhelms me
I can't focus on today
I'm so stuck in all the memories of other days

And I'm just wondering
Are you thinking
Are you thinking of me
Are you thinking
Have I even crossed your mind

All these things I need to do
Every goal has gotten pushed aside for you
I'm standing on a broken track
Waiting for your train to come
But you've already flown past

And I'm just wondering
Are you thinking
Are you thinking of me
Are you thinking
Have I even crossed your mind

And all this waiting
All this time left bent
All these moments I can't forget
When will I overpower my needs
My incomprhensable need to bleed
To cut and slice
And search for what's beneath
My forgotten and denounced training
I've been working far to long to be in this place
I'm still here standing
I'm still here trying to smile my way past

And I'm just wondering
I can't help myself to wonder
Are you thinking
Are you thinking of me
Are you thinking
Are you thinking
Are you thinking of me
Are you thinking
Have I even crossed your mind
Are you thinking
Are you thinking of me

The Smashing Pumpkins

Last Thursday on the 6th, I went to see the Smashing Pumpkins at United Palace Theater. It has to have been possibly the best concert I've ever been to. It even beats out Alanis concerts for the title. In fact, for the most part, everything about the entire evening seemed magical. Our tickets ended up being front row, I initially thought they were 2nd, not that there is a huge difference. I threw my hands in the air, danced, and screamed along at the top of my lungs. It was amazing. It was beautiful. I felt free for 2-3 hours. Free of everything that I some times think is holding me down. It was as if I were floating above my head instead of stuck inside. There are moments where I blast music so loud in my ears that it unlocks the cage and I am free to run and play. This is one of those moments. I don't even remember every song they played, but I moved to every beat as if my soul needed it to survive, and maybe it did. I love going to concerts, there is something in the energy that surrounds you. It is inexplainable, and impossible to create alone. I went with a friend, for lack of a better term, and he was perfect to have been there. Afterwords we sipped champagne at a dinner, the best 4 dollar champagne in the city.

I think what I'm learning from this experience, or at least trying to take away from it, is that even when life shits on your head, you can't forget everything. Maybe you can be "in the moment" and still not forget about all the "moments" before?

Below is what I consider to be my favorite Smashing Pumpkins song. I listen to it almost every single day, at least of recently I have. It's from the mid nineties, a b-side on the 1979 single. "Set the Ray to Jerry"



Born to please, every simple need
I stand alone in my thoughts indeed
Hate you
For ever making me
I'm in you, I'm your anything

And I- want you
And I- need you
And all you are is brand new
And I- need you

Come to me, let me hold you still
I'm so tired, just as tired as you
Take me for anyone but me
All that you feel is never true

And I- want you
And I- need you
And all you are is brand new
And I- need you

When you say that you are
Forever my star
I'll never let you go, no, no
I'll never let you know

Let roar these fears
To the whore of my tears
Pure as a lie, I pour to your eyes
Suck you like the sap from a tree
Honey from the dew, from the bumblebees, yeah yeah

And I- want you
And I- need you
And all you are is brand new
And I- need you

When you say that you are
Forever my star
I'll never let you go, no, no
I'll never let you know

And I- want you
And I- need you
And all you are is brand new
'Cause- need you

A Large Update

Beginnings

I haven't been this attracted to someone in what feels like years
I'm smiling from ear to ear
My stomach tingles with anticipation
And I love feeling this vulnerable
This out of control
I'm trying not to be nervous
And not to be scared
I'm trying to flip my switches
And my independent need to sabotage myself
I like you so much that I want to cry
It feels electric with your every touch
I could physically attach myself to you for hours
I've never felt so content walking
And I love our awkward hellos
You putting your arm around me
And how you kiss my head
When you jump up and down
And your hand on my leg
Thinking about you makes me smile and bite my lip
I'm always in such a rush
But I'm trying so hard be calm


Blissfully Ignorant

Every single tiny little insignificant
All these times I feel left behind
It's all adding up
And it's all starting to over power me
I feel alone and lost and lied to
I don't think I can take this city anymore
I don't think I can make it another day here
Another month
I just want this anxiety gone
I just want some fucking sleep and a well meant smile
Please, can't you bid for my attention
I'm so sick of all these games
And I just don't think I can do this anymore
I can't take another minute with my stomach in knots
I don't think I can stay in this city another second
I constantly want to vomit
And I need a change of scenery
I need a change of life
I need something real to happen to me
I don't think I can do this anymore
I can't feel so half alive
Uppers and downers
I just want to set in the center
Blissfully illusioned


Glass

I hate feeling this vulnerable
This out of control
I feel like you could crush my entire world
I feel like one side ways glance would make me crumble
I feel so up in the air
And I want to spend every simple moment with you
I can't tell of you're just chill
Or if you're totally into me
I can't tell of you don't really care
Or what's going on in your head
I know when you touch me I shutter
I know when I look in your eyes I get lost
And I fear you don't see the same reflected
I fear you don't want me
I fear I'm not good enough
And I fear I'm falling in love with you
My head feels like it might burst
Like I might shatter
I am glass


Candy

If you love em
You let em go
If they come back
That's how you know
You'll find it when you stop looking
You have to love yourself first
I can't hear all these lines anymore
No one feels how I feel right now
And no amount of sayings is going to melt away my anxiety
I remember how you loved to watch a movie on my couch
I've never been held so tightly
I've never had a first kiss like that
I've felt this way before
But of doesn't change the intensity of all these moments I think of
Your hand on mine
Your arm around me
And your kisses on my forehead
And if you let em go
Maybe they'll come back
You never know
But I know I have your favorite candy sitting in my cupboard
Just in case you ever want to try that movie thing again
Just in case you ever wondered if I ever listened to you
I heard every word
And every little fucking thing stuck with me
I've still got your favorite candy sitting on the top shelf
It's hiding behind a few things
Maybe sometime you'll try to find it
I guess it's waiting for you
But I don't think I can do the same.


You

I appreciate you more now then ever before
Your listening and enduring my banter
I love that I can have crazy sex with you and then tell you about how insane I am inside
How I stare out my window
How I still think of someone fondly knowing he doesn't matter
I tell you everything I remember about him
And the other one
I told you everything accept what I remember about you
You would always move a chair next to mine at a restaurant
I always could sleep soundly next to you
Waking up and having sex
Smoking pot and having sex again
I think of you laughing at my Reba obsession
And I remember all the times we cuddled and did nothing else
The first time we kissed
And how sick I felt after our talk the Sunday after thanksgiving
How angry I was every time I'd see your face after that
Sometimes I wonder if we will ever be together again
I'd probably date you just to have access to your t-shirt collection
We could never drive anywhere together
We hate each other's music
I really think Madonna is annoying
But I'll still buy you shit and frame it
Hoping that it might make you smile to think of me
I'll never forget your birthday
And I never did
I appreciate you more now then I ever have before
I'm grateful you were around today
And I feel so much better
And I trust you more so then ever before

Part 2

"No Geoff, now I mean retarded in a bad way."

A Couple Thoughts and a Couple Pics

I took a walk through Central Park tonight. I took a few pictures, and I wrote a little bit as well. I just got a new camera, so I'm actually really surprised to see how much I enjoy these pictures. They remind of a few things that I sometimes forget. Just breathe.




AN UNEXPECTED CONVERSATION

I was talking to my doorman
It was all about relationships
My issues
My past
He was once engaged and it all fell apart
He misses cuddling
To hear this from a straight man I was taken back
And I miss the comfort of cuddling too
I miss knowing what I'm coming home to
I said I was picky
And when I do actually fall for someone
I fall hard
I fall so hard that I'm hurt before I've touched down
He said I must be looking for prince charming
I laughed at the irony of his exact words
And I said yes
Simply and truely
I want the nonexistant
The perfection
But my perfection isn't really prince charming
My perfection is my idea of prince charming
My idea is rubbing my knee at dinner
Holding my hand
And my body so close that it feels like we are breathing as one
He tells me hi in the middle of the day
Just because I ran through his mind
He tells me I'm beautiful
Even when I'm sick
And always wants to hold me after sex
I don't need a white horse
Or a million dollars
Maybe flowers out of nowhere
Or a kiss on my forehead is enough
I don't need you to be perfect
Perfection is overwhelming
And I know I'm a little crazy
So just let me be the one to bring the crazy to the table
I'm up in the air
So I need a little grounding
But allow me to fly at times
Support my dreams
And tell me not to panic
Everything is ok
Remind me to breathe
And I'll remind you that you're my prince charming




QUIET

Sometimes I just feel the quiet
I can see things going on around me
But nothing is really happening
To me
I can be on top of the world
And then on top of nothing
I can be out of head
And back in a moment
Where I didn't even feel it happen
I think this is kind of what it feels like to be an artist
Or maybe I'm over thinking it
And it's just what it feels like to be human

Finish line

I sometimes forget that life isn't about the finish line, and I trip.

A Long One

Tonight I listened to Abra Moore's ablum Everything Changed. I haven't listened to it in a long time. I always thought it was too slow and too sentimental. I find it interesting that as I grow older, I seem to connect to different music in ways that I hadn't before. It's like I suddenly understand the deepth and what the artist is actually saying and feeling. Feeling. It's awesome when you hear something and connect to it emotionally so well. It's a brilliant force and I love it.

I was listening to a smashing pumpkins song recently that I have heard a million times before, and suddenly the lyrics hit me in a way that I had never experienced. It felt magical and I suddenly got it, everything he was singing. And although sad, it brought a smile to my face, because I understood. And even when you are crazy and freaking out, it's always nice to know that what you are dealing with, someone else has been through before, and lived to talk about it.

Seems so easy to say don't sweat the small stuff, but at the end of the day. I'd rather be over emotional then under emotional. At least that way I know I'm living. When it's good, it's amazing, when it's bad, it's worse. But over all, I love it all, because I learn so much.

This piece that is below, I just threw out there. It isn't about any particular person or event, but just seemed to flow out and feel right. So take it or leave it, or don't read it all. Enjoy.

SLEEVE

I wear my heart on my sleeve
I’m not good at games
I don’t know how to make you want me
Sometimes I get nervous
And I’m not even myself at times
I get scared for no reason
And I’m always the first to jump ship
I want everything talked about in child tales
Candy and flowers
Movies and holding hands
Passionate kisses and cuddling all night
I want to feel the sun on my face in the am and not be alone
I like to make pancakes in the morning
And I entirely focus too much on other people then myself
Maybe you can find this beautiful
Or maybe you see it as having no backbone
It makes me happy to make other people happy
My happiness seems to always fall short of first place
But every time I see you smile
It makes me smile too
I never thought I’d be this person at 24
This person that’s still so yearning
So young and believing in puppy dog love
Don’t get me wrong
I’m not unhappy
I love how over emotionally passionately charged I am
How I constantly feel my heart beating
Sometimes faster at certain moments
How I constantly want to make everyone feel special
I love waking up in the morning and thinking today might be the day
And what else can I say
I wear my heart on my sleeve
Sometimes it gets smashed
But I can’t imagine keeping it anywhere else
I’m just not one for hiding things
I’d rather have you see me as I am
Take it or leave it
I can’t make apologies anymore
I can’t apologies for being me
I can be emotionally needy
And I can also be so giving that I’d rather have you happy before me
It’s hard for me to slow down
Sometimes I just see things that are so beautiful
It drives me crazy
It’s like these beautiful crazy glimpses that show exactly who you are
It’s inexplainable
It’s a pheromone
Some sort of scent that takes over me
And I know I sound like a hopeless romantic
I am a hopeless romantic
But since when is that such a bad thing
Since when is it so bad to want to fall in love
Since when is it so bad to want to share yourself completely with someone else
I don’t know what I’m thinking staying in this city sometimes
Since when is it so bad to want to fall in love
And if I want it and you want it
Then why’s it got to be so scary
Why does it have to be so self-conscious
Why do people always seem to love my body and that’s where is begins and ends
No one is texting me at 3am to tell me that they think I have a beautiful spirit
And what am I doing
What am I thinking by wearing my heart on my sleeve and living in New York City
The city of dreams
The city where anything can happen
The city where sometimes it feel so hard to just breathe

Mask

NO GUILT
NO SHAME
NO PUNISHMENT

I started taking this class at this acting studio I attend. The class is called Mask. Essentially we put on different masks that are supposed to work through your body and make you move differently. I'm not even going to try and explain it as to that I will do it incorrectly and it will just come off as confusing. Our teacher was telling us that he lives his life with the rules of No Guilt, No Shame, No Punishment. And every time something happens that he doesn't like, he just says it to himself and feels better. With that said, I think the idea is wonderful. I wish that I wouldn't guilt myself over things I've done, mistakes I've made, and that I wouldn't try to make other people feel guilty for their choices. Sometimes you just have to accept things and make a choice, move on, or work through it. No shame, why should I ever be abashed over my feelings? Why should I be shamed with my job, my career that may or may not be going anywhere. Why should I be ashamed of all of my other little insecurities? Most of them make me who I am, and I'm pretty ok with "me". No punishment, I would love to not punish myself for things. I have a tendency to beat myself up over things beyond my control. And sometimes I feel like I am punishing other people, trying to make them learn a lesson. It is just all overly negative and just not worth the energy. I wish it were easier for me to just jump from moment to moment in real life. Make a choice and move on. Sometimes I linger in moments from the past for too long and it only hinders me.

Maybe this will be my new years resolution, and I'll just start a little early.

In a Good Way

"No Geoff, retarded in a good way."

Vomiting and Starbucks (not in that order)

Starbucks

I went into Starbucks today and ordered what has become my usual drink. A triple grande french vanilla skinny latte. Yes, I am one of "those" people. This is all the fault of one of my friends that runs a Starbucks and has gotten me hooked on this shit. To be honest, I'm not even sure what it is that I'm drinking, but I know how to order it, it gives me energy, and it tastes pretty good. On my cup there was a quote, and I love it.

"The world bursts at the seams with people ready to tell you you're not good enough. On occasion, some may be correct. But do not do their work for them. Seek any job; ask anyone out; pursue any goal. Don't take it personally when they say "no" - they may not be smart enough to say "yes"." -Keith Olbermann

It is simple and true, and makes me wonder who I am not asking out that I should be. And what is so frightening of a "no"?

I think one of the sweetest moments of my life was when I was in a restaurant in Chelsea that I used to work at. I wasn't working there at the time, but had gone back to visit my friends. There was a guy sitting at the front, alone, reading. I thought he was beautiful. He sort of looked like an elf, but with a beautiful chiseled face. After careful consideration, I decided that I needed to talk to him. So I got up and went over to say "hi". We ended up dating for a little while, and eventually it didn't work. That's not the point though. The point is that I had the balls to just say "hi". On our first date we ended up going to a Christina Ricci movie, Penelope, and the movie sucked. Just for reference.

And Vomiting

Most everything that I write, is done on my iPhone. I have a really hard time sitting in front of my computer and typing. I have over 100 pages of things I'm working on within my phone. I think my book will be entirely held on my phone until I'm finished. Editing will clearly be a mess. Sometimes I write when I'm drunk, and in the morning I find these little pieces of emotionally charged words lingering in my phone that I don't even remember writing. The following would be one of those, and to be honest, I love it. It's sweetly sad and makes me laugh. Enjoy.

"Sometimes I get so depressed that I can't get out of bed. I can't sleep, so I just twist and turn and think about everything in my life that sucks. I try to count sheep, but I can't focus on something so dull and stupid. I will hardly eat or sleep for days, and go get drunk to try and feel better. I always get sick and vomit my life out. Sometimes I stare at my puke and think about how lucky it is to have been able to get away from me."

Little Update

Wow, I can't believe that it has been so long since I have posted. I've actually been writing like crazy and I guess I just forgot that I wasn't posting anything. So here is just a bit of what's been jumping around in my head...

I just realized today
You're only the prince
Because you got away
I just needed a little time to get to know you
Then I'd be able to find the faults
Maybe that's why you ran
You told me too much
More then your bestfriends even knew of your past
You let me see you as vulnerable
And you covered yourself
And I know you don't give it this thought
But I just thought I'd let you know
And more so myself
It's not me
It's not that there is something wrong with me
Or that I'm something to be thrown away
I've made myself sick so many times over you
And I can't anymore
You're not worth it
I just don't know why you're not.