A Long One

Tonight I listened to Abra Moore's ablum Everything Changed. I haven't listened to it in a long time. I always thought it was too slow and too sentimental. I find it interesting that as I grow older, I seem to connect to different music in ways that I hadn't before. It's like I suddenly understand the deepth and what the artist is actually saying and feeling. Feeling. It's awesome when you hear something and connect to it emotionally so well. It's a brilliant force and I love it.

I was listening to a smashing pumpkins song recently that I have heard a million times before, and suddenly the lyrics hit me in a way that I had never experienced. It felt magical and I suddenly got it, everything he was singing. And although sad, it brought a smile to my face, because I understood. And even when you are crazy and freaking out, it's always nice to know that what you are dealing with, someone else has been through before, and lived to talk about it.

Seems so easy to say don't sweat the small stuff, but at the end of the day. I'd rather be over emotional then under emotional. At least that way I know I'm living. When it's good, it's amazing, when it's bad, it's worse. But over all, I love it all, because I learn so much.

This piece that is below, I just threw out there. It isn't about any particular person or event, but just seemed to flow out and feel right. So take it or leave it, or don't read it all. Enjoy.

SLEEVE

I wear my heart on my sleeve
I’m not good at games
I don’t know how to make you want me
Sometimes I get nervous
And I’m not even myself at times
I get scared for no reason
And I’m always the first to jump ship
I want everything talked about in child tales
Candy and flowers
Movies and holding hands
Passionate kisses and cuddling all night
I want to feel the sun on my face in the am and not be alone
I like to make pancakes in the morning
And I entirely focus too much on other people then myself
Maybe you can find this beautiful
Or maybe you see it as having no backbone
It makes me happy to make other people happy
My happiness seems to always fall short of first place
But every time I see you smile
It makes me smile too
I never thought I’d be this person at 24
This person that’s still so yearning
So young and believing in puppy dog love
Don’t get me wrong
I’m not unhappy
I love how over emotionally passionately charged I am
How I constantly feel my heart beating
Sometimes faster at certain moments
How I constantly want to make everyone feel special
I love waking up in the morning and thinking today might be the day
And what else can I say
I wear my heart on my sleeve
Sometimes it gets smashed
But I can’t imagine keeping it anywhere else
I’m just not one for hiding things
I’d rather have you see me as I am
Take it or leave it
I can’t make apologies anymore
I can’t apologies for being me
I can be emotionally needy
And I can also be so giving that I’d rather have you happy before me
It’s hard for me to slow down
Sometimes I just see things that are so beautiful
It drives me crazy
It’s like these beautiful crazy glimpses that show exactly who you are
It’s inexplainable
It’s a pheromone
Some sort of scent that takes over me
And I know I sound like a hopeless romantic
I am a hopeless romantic
But since when is that such a bad thing
Since when is it so bad to want to fall in love
Since when is it so bad to want to share yourself completely with someone else
I don’t know what I’m thinking staying in this city sometimes
Since when is it so bad to want to fall in love
And if I want it and you want it
Then why’s it got to be so scary
Why does it have to be so self-conscious
Why do people always seem to love my body and that’s where is begins and ends
No one is texting me at 3am to tell me that they think I have a beautiful spirit
And what am I doing
What am I thinking by wearing my heart on my sleeve and living in New York City
The city of dreams
The city where anything can happen
The city where sometimes it feel so hard to just breathe