The Last 5 Days

These last 5 days have changed my life in little ways. Ways that I don't think will have a lasting effect necessarily but things for thought now.

I hung out with someone Monday night that I really didn't think I ever would again. It was funny and brilliant. I feel like the waters below us have cleared up.

I finally let someone go that I had been waiting on. I hate when questions lay around people, and rather then waiting for them to be answered I threw them away. I hate to cut people out of my life, but after my last tear for the person fell, I deleted his number, him off my friend list, and threw out his favorite candy that I had holding onto. I think holding onto physical things can be just an bogging down as mental things. This also reminds me, I need to clean all the boxes out from under my bed, apparently this can cuz you to sleep better. Half the time I think all that energy stuff is bullshit. Then again, didn't I basically just say candy in a cupboard was haunting me?

Closer. I finally found some sort of peace or closer with someone that I has stuck in the back of my mind for too long. I have a tendency to fall for guys with vices. I think smoking can be sexy, broad shoulders and height drives me crazy. One of my funniest memories of him is his telling me on our first date that he was trying to quit smoking. He had read some book where as you read it you are supposed to be able to cut down smoking and by closing the last page, you are supposed to be to stop fully. He had read the entire book, except for the last page. I'm pretty sure he still smokes, so I guess he never finished the book. After a drunken Sunday night I blurted out to him that he should read my blog, that there is stuff about him on it. Yes, this is why one of my best friends calls me Awkward Thomas. A couple e-mails back and forth after, and I feel ok about things.

I realized also this week, that there is someone in my life that I will always have a soft spot for. He used to do so many things that would irritate me and piss me off. Now I realize that I see his outwardness and out goingness as an obstacle and a challenge. It freighters me, and this is actually why I like him. I think spiritually his freedom is by far more advanced then mine. I think he is always in the moment, has goals, and is more aware of himself more now then ever before.

I had someone try to be my friend again, then try to be more. Then decide they can't be in my life at all. Given our history, I said fine to everything. I'm tired of fighting and his up and downness still exhausts and bores me.

I've received many e-mails, phone calls, and text messages from people that I haven't talked to in literally years. They saw me on the cover of a magazine and wanted to chat and/or hook up. A congratulations is always nice, but when you haven't talked to someone in a long time, is asking to hook up because you look great really appropriate?

All in all, it's been a great 5 days. I've had anxiety, cried, laughed, slept soundly, and had nightmares. I've moved on, came to terms, wrote some good pieces, painted. And I feel lighter then I have in a long time.