HELLO WORLD

Last night before sleeping I did a great meditation and BAM! Hello, World, I'm back. Sorry I've been away for a bit, but not anymore.

T

Sleep

Right after I posted that last entry, I slept. Maybe I just needed to get something out of my head.

T

I haven't been sleeping. I wouldn't call myself an insomniac, at least not yet. I can't seem to be able to turn my brain off these last days and it is driving me nuts. I keep trying all the tricks I know of. I've been trying breathing exercises, and i just can't seem to find sleep.

I need to get out of New York City for a bit. I need to just be alone for a while and away these streets and these lights. I need some silence and to still be outside, I need to get away from these people.

So I am.

On a whim, I bought a plane ticket to FL, reserved a car, and from July 18-22nd, I'll be following the Smashing Pumpkins around FL. I'm going to visit a friend of mine in Orlando for a night or two and then venture out on my own. I just need to run for a while, sleep in crappy motels and blast music while I drive down the road with the wind in my face.

July 18th couldn't come fast enough.

I can't sleep, my eyes are dry and my face feels tired. I have class tonight and a shoot tomorrow morning. Maybe tonight I can sleep, but right now it doesn't seem to matter what I try. Maybe after a good workout my brain will shut itself off.

Afraid of Anger

In my first year of acting class we would do freedom rifting. Basically we would stand and stare at each other and then say whatever came up. When ever someone would say they didn't like something about me, get angry, or look unhappy I would drift into this mode of saying, "I'm sorry". It came down to my teacher telling me that I was no longer allowed to apologize. He would ask me what I was apologizing for, why was it my responsibility to try and keep everything below the boiling point? For a long time it was very difficult for me to just say, "so what?" and leave it at that.

It took months before I was able to tell someone to even fuck off, or that I didn't care if they were angry. It took months following that for me to be able to even say that I was mad. I still find myself doing the same thing. I'm so quick to tell people that I'm not mad, but I am. I'm fucking pissed sometimes, and what's the problem with that? Why do I feel like it's okay for everything else ot get pissed off except for me? What happens if I express my own anger that I'm so afraid of?

As of now, tonight, I'm no longer going to sit back and try to keep the top from flying up. If I'm pissed I'm going to tell you, I'm going to express it, and I don't care if you like it or not. I'm so in touch with my "happy" feeling, it's time that I got just an comfortable with my "angry" ones as well.

A Beautiful Song Reborn in My Memory

These are the lyrics to a song by the Smashing Pumpkins that I just found, again. With their huge collection of music, sometime they get forgotten.

Would (If You Wait)
-Smashing Pumpkins

wound opens
reveal a broken man
soon notions
blood on his hands
stop, stop, pop tart
taste of your demands

if you wait, i will wait
if you taste, i will taste
if you run, i will run
if you love, i will love
to my last prayer

tomb opens
reveal a stack of gold
cool poison
the taste of growing old
sit down, downtown
in your tower of steel

if you wait, i will wait
taste, i will taste
if you run, i will run
love, i will love
to my last prayer
my last prayer
to my last prayer

wound opens
reveal a broken man
soon notions
blood on his hands

if you wait, i will wait
taste, i will taste
if you run, i will run
love, i will love
to my last prayer

if you wait
if you wait
if you wait
if you wait

Am I Fucking Insane?

It's been a long running joke between my friends and I that we are all crazy. I think that's why the philanthropy girl and I get along so well. We are both these "tortured artists" and shit is just so deep it hurts. Sometimes when we hang out it really is just too much, but we love every moment of it. If someone didn't know us and was to follow us around, I can only imagine what they might think. Maybe that's why we started shooting a reality show and then lost it, for being too real. People don't really want to hear about the crap that goes on.

This week I've started taking my first real writing class. It is based around personal essays and what you need to sell them. It teaches you how to target it at a publication and how you need to alter it to make it more understandable. All I know is that I love to write, and that is probably at least half the battle.

The other night over dinner someone asked me what I wanted to write about. "What do you mean?" He asked me if I wanted to write editorials or what else there is. LOL. I replied with, "No, I want to write about myself." And It's true. I want to write about me. Not because I feel like I'm more interesting then anything else, but because I want to figure myself out. Who doesn't? I think that I probably think about figuring myself out more then the average person, but who wants to be average anyways?

It is weird to write on here and feel like I get to free so much of myself and then to take a story and try to give it structure with meaning and points. To try and make things more funny, beautiful, and sad. And anything that you say can be taken so many different ways, so you try your best to be as direct as possible.

I've only written one piece for my class so far, and it is so much harder then I thought it would be to accurately tell my story. Just when I think I can put a gold star on top of the page I find that there are unanswered questions and that "I" am making my way sound one way when I meant another. It's hard to put how you see yourself down on paper. Only in writing this story do I question my sanity. In my story I was aiming for quirky and instead I read "insane". I became defensive when really, maybe I am just a bit insane? I'd rather be insane then boring though, boring I am not.

Where am "I" in all this?

With this writing class that I am taking we are asked to really dive into ourselves and talk about our feelings, where they come from and then set up a structure for telling a story. As much I share my feelings, I still cap myself at points and cover a lot of my feelings up with laughter.

How far am I willing to dive in? How much am I really able to share when I so frequently try to place blame on others for how I feel. Well, he broke my heart, he said one thing and did another, he this, and he that. Where are all the I's? Where was I when all of the signs were clearly in front of my face and blaring? Where was I when I chose what I wanted to hear and what I wanted to see? I hate to think that maybe sometimes, "I" am the problem and I create my own destiny.

I'm curious to find out why it is that when someone has issues and problems, why am I drawn to them so desperately? Why is that when someone who has their shit together I don't want anything to do with him? Eventually I hope that these few questions will be answered and hopefully the outcomes changed.

Do I only hear and see what I want to? Sometimes I question myself and then I remember moments so vividly that tell me that "No, it's not just you seeing what you want to." I can control my future to a certain degree, but not fully and not all the time. I'd like to find that calm balance, learn how to embrace myself in it.

Where am I in all this? Why does it sometimes just feel like things are all happening around me but not really to me, and then suddenly everything is happening to me and only me?

Bent For You

I had forgotten all about this song until it popped up on the iPod yesterday. It's funny how many times I've heard this song in the past and found it relevant.

Bent For You
-Alanis Morissette


you're unsure and you're not ready so that must mean I want you
you're unavailable and disinterested and to you I look for comfort

a million times in a million ways I will try to change you
a million months and a million days I'll try to somehow convince you

I have waited for you and adjusted for you and I'm done
I have deferred to you and enabled you and I'm done

you're too young or you're too old or you're simply not inclined
you're asleep or you're withholding be that my cue to crave you

several times in several ways I'll try to squeeze love from you
several hours and several ways I'll feast on scraps thrown from you

I have bent for you and I've deprived for you and I'm done
I have depressed for you and contorted for you and I'm done
I have stifled for you and I've compromised for you and I'm done
I have silenced for you and sacrificed for you and I'm done

it won't be long before I am reclaimed
it won't take long and I'll be on path again
it won't be easy for us to disengage
I'm at the end of self deprivation stage

you're afraid of every woman afraid of your inner workings
you cringe at the thought of living under the same roof as me god and everything

a million times and a million ways I've tried to alter to match you
several times every several days I've tried to uncrush on you

A Happy Thing About Sad Music

Would You Like to Stick It In?


I've always been someone that related with music more so then even the people around me in my life. I think it would be awesome if everyone had a headphone jack on their body, you could walk up and just plug in and listen to who they are. I wonder at times what song would be blaring from my bones. If people could really just plug into me I'm pretty most of the world would think I am crazy, all over the place, bi-polar, and maybe even beautiful.

I've found that there really is a song for every emotion that runs through your body. There is always some melody to drive you deeper and further into anything you are feeling. Time after time in acting classes I've used just a few strings to bring me to tears, make me jump up and down, make me laugh, and everything in between.

The wonderful thing about sad music is that it makes you feel like you aren't the only one in the world that has gone through something. It's not the same as misery loves company but more simply knowing that someone else has been there. It gives you hope that things will get better, it makes you feel less alone. It's awesome when a singer or song writer has a sad song followed by a happy song, it's the light at the end of the tunnel. If there was no pain, then how would you recognize happiness? And vice versa.

With my iPod being on random over the last week or so I've been reintroduced to songs that I've long forgotten and that bring so many moments back to me. My first inclination was to post the sad song that interrupted my gym work out today, but fuck it, I don't feel like being sad right now. So here is a happy kind of fun one that I burned onto a CD for one of my sisters over the weekend. Enjoy!



Thursday night,
everything's fine,
Except you've got that look in your eyes,
when I'm telling a story
And you find it boring you're thinking of something to say.
You'll go along with and then drop it
And you humiliate me, in front of our friends.

Then I'll use that voice what you find annoyin'
And say something like
"intelligent input darlin' why don't you just have another beer then?"

Then you call me a bitch and everyone we're with will be embarrassed,
and I won't give a shit.

My fingertips are holding onto the
cracks in our foundations,
and I know that I should let go,
but I can't.
And everytime we fight I know it's not right,
everytime that you're upset and I smile
I know I should forget, but I can't.

You said I must eat so many lemons,
'cause I am so bitter.
I said "I'd rather be with your friends mate,
'cause they are much fitter"

Yes it was childish
and you got aggressive
and I must admit that I was a bit scared,
but it gives me thrills to wind you up.

Your face is pasty,
'cause you've gone and got so wasted,
what a surprise,
don't want to look at your face,
'cause it's making me sick.

You've gone and got sick on my trainers,
I only got these yesterday.
Oh my gosh, I cannot be bothered with this.

Well I'll leave you there till the mornin',
and I purposely won't turn the heating on
and dear God, I hope I'm not stuck with this one.

And every time we fight I know it's not right,
every time that you're upset and I smile.
I know I should forget, but I can't.

Ramblings

It's been a really long time since I've posted any sort of lyrical ramblings. With recent things that have been happening in my life it was this morning on my walk home that I had this flow of words come out of myself. I like the term "rambling", so maybe that's a perfect title for this.

Ramblings

Talking to you is emotional masterbation
Everything that comes out of your mouth I find beautiful
Even when you say how you never want to fall in love again
And how that includes with me.

If we weren't both so tortured
And really only by ourselves
Makes me wonder
Would we really conect so well?

I told you I missed you
You didn't say you missed me back
You said you had to find happiness in being alone
That way it wasn't dependent on anyone else and no one could take it from you.

I knew exactly what you meant.

I want to find that light in me as well.

Of course we had sex
You can't have a conversation like that and not feel like you want to be one for a bit,
Atleast that's how the moment happened to me.

I wonder what moments have existed to you that live in me so vividly?

It wasn't until you didn't want me to hold you after that I truely knew none of this had to do with me.

Life Lesson 6,897,457

Until earlier today I had forgotten that not matter what you feel like inside, blasting a Marilyn Manson will always make you smile a little more.



"The Bright Young Things"

We'll be the worms in your apple pie
Fake abuse for our bios
Blacken our own eyes
The grass isn't greener on the other side
We set it on fire
And we have no reason why.
We set fashion, not follow
Spit vitriol, not swallow
We set fashion, not follow
Spit vitriol, not swallow
We're
Good for nothing but being
Everything that's bad
Good for nothing but being
Everything that's bad
We know who we are and what we want to say
And we don't care who's listening
We don't rebel to sell
It just suits us well
We're the bright young things
I've got my villain necktie
And a mouth of hi-fi
So sharp, I'm bleeding
from my Judas Hole
I'm the Arch Dandy
No-goodnik and I'm headed
For Crashville.
I'm most monster with my groan box
In the "Meat Show."
We set fashion, not follow
Spit vitriol, not swallow
We set fashion, not follow
Spit vitriol, not swallow
Good for nothing but being
Everything that's bad
Good for nothing but being
Everything that's bad
We know who we are and what we want to say
And we don't care who's listening
We don't rebel to sell
It just suits us well
We're the bright young things

Crashing the ether
We've got the loudest stereotype
Even neophytes deep 6 your pro-life.
We don't need to move a single prayer bone
We're so beautiful and damned
Simply as a "still life."

Perpetual rebellion with absolutely no cause
Perpetual rebellion with absolutely no cause
Perpetual rebellion with absolutely no cause
Perpetual rebellion with absolutely no cause

Stop the song and remember what you used to be
Somebody that could fucking impress me

We know who we are and what we want to say
And we don't care who's listening
We don't rebel to sell
It just suits us well
We're the bright young things

We know who we are and what we want to say
And we don't care who's listening
We don't rebel to sell
It just suits us well
We're the bright young things
Good for nothing but being
Everything that's bad
Good for nothing but being
Everything that's bad

The World is Fucking with Me

Over the last week or so I've felt like the world has really been fucking with me. Throwing me up in the air and seeing how I'm going to land. Now I think that maybe the world is just trying to remind that it hasn't forgotten that I'm here.

Not the Same

I've had this same thought many times before, but I always seem to forget.

Sex really just isn't the same when it is with someone you don't have any emotional feelings for. I don't know if it is possible to have actually zero feelings what so ever, but at least not in the romantic way. I think that I forget that until I have sex with someone that I actually care about and see how different and how much more fun it is. Sometimes it just seems mechanical when you don't care, it still does its purpose, but there is nothing left to feel after.

It's kind of weird that I could ever forget such a basic idea, and I'm sure I will again.

And In Not So Deep Other News...

I have a great living situation at the moment. I pay a little under half of the rent and my roommate is never home. I've lived in this apartment for nearly 4 months and I think he has been here maybe a total of 5 nights. He travels a ton for work so I basically have the place to myself. Every now and then he has a friend or two that stays here because they are in town working, most of them are dancers. Over the course of the last couple weeks I was reminded or exactly why there are zero 18 year old dancers in my life. My roommate told two of his friends that they could stay in his room for 2 weeks while they trained for the upcoming Janet Jackson tour and I figured fine, no biggie. I personally know that when I am a house guest I am on my best behavior and especially when I am staying somewhere for free. Over the course of the two weeks various things got under my skin and I allowed them to just blow over as I was staying at a friends place most of the time anyways.

1. The bathroom became increasingly dirty by the day. Product and hair tools thrown all over the bathroom and hair covering the sink, floor, shower, and toilet. Also, unfamiliar hair appeared on my electric razor.

2. Pretty much every time I came home I would find the lights on, air conditioner at full blast, and/or, the tv on and NO ONE HOME. I'm not a HUGE green person, but come on. Also, it is very obvious that I recycle, there are containers to the left of the sink in the kitchen for both plastic and cardboard. So why was I finding the garbage filled with water bottles and cereal boxes? And further more, half filled take-out containers of food just sitting out all night.

3. One night I came home around midnight and found my apartment door unlocked and unhinged. I was able to just push it right open, to a breezy air conditioned empty apartment. This is New York City, who leaves a door open? Granted, I live in a nice doorman building and no one can get up without calling first, but anyone else that lives in the building could easily have come in and cleaned the place out.

4. The few times that I did stay here over the two weeks I was woken up at 9am to one of the dancers singing at the top of her lungs in the shower. One of the few conversations that we had included her telling me that Lady GaGa is the top selling musical artist and has sold over 8 BILLION albums. When I tried to correct her and assumed she meant MILLION I was told that I was wrong and it was surely 8 BILLION. The population of the Earth is just under 7 BILLION, I'm pretty sure not EVERYONE on Earth has one or more Lady GaGa albums.

5. As the week closed I was very happy to come home to an empty apartment, granted, there was garbage sitting in the kitchen, left over take-out food in the fridge (which was a step up from just sitting out), hair all over the bathroom and of course the tv and air conditioner on in my roommates room. Oh Oh, but they did happen to make his bed before they left, bravo.

6. That evening, happy to have my apartment to myself, I go to brush my teeth and behold, they took the full tube of toothpaste that I had just bought. Are you fucking kidding me?

7. This morning I also noticed that my USB to Firewire cable that I always leave in the same place is also gone. I may have misplaced it, but I doubt it. It isn't even the price as much as it is the fact that now I have to go out of my way to buy another one.

Now I am no longer 18, maybe I've forgotten what it feels like to be 18? I know that now as an "adult" I wouldn't do these things, but maybe I'm expecting too much from 18 year old performers that are staying in a luxury NYC apartment for free? And it is probably more my fault for not saying anything to them while they were staying here, I could have easily just asked them to not be loud in the morning, not use my razor, recycle, and to pick up after themselves, but should I really have to?



PLEASE NOTE, THAT IS NOT MY BATHROOM. :-)

Moving and Running

A few months ago I had my mind set on moving away from New York City and starting my life over again. Again. One of the closest people in my life offered up the advice that I was maybe running away from the life I had created and just wanted to leave my problems behind. I said she was wrong, that I just thought I could be happier in the California sun. As life would work and play out, road blocks fell and stopped me from leaving the city. One road block fell and kept me for a month, then a light at the end of the tunnel and that road block faded. Then another fell and now I'm working through that. Just as I thought I saw another light at the end of the tunnel, another block falls. At this point I feel like I'm just grasping for strings and have no idea where to go or what to do. I keep thinking that there has to be some reason that I'm here in the city, that something has to be lined up for me, I refuse to think that everything doesn't have a reason. I just wish that this "thing" would become more clear because I'm really tired, I'm tired of running towards every light and thinking it is the answer, or something I've been waiting for. As another light fades and another block falls I find myself spinning in circles and again I just want to run away and leave. Start over. I'm so frustrated that I just want to sit and be left alone. I want blocks to stop falling and I want lights to stop shinning, I want to just "be", whatever that even means.

I sometimes wish that I was less emotional, or that I just cared a little bit less about everything. I'm so good at looking like there is nothing going on inside, usually because there is too much.

So maybe my friend was right, maybe I do just want to run away. Maybe I just want to start over and not have to know anyone again. Maybe I just want to drop everything I'm carrying and block it all out. I want to run because I don't know how to move past things anymore. I'm so tired of trying to move past everything and be the bigger person. I'm just tired.



You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere

Anyplace is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we'll make something
But me myself I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car
And I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We won't have to drive too far
Just 'cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

You see my old man's got a problem
He live with the bottle that's the way it is
He says his body's too old for working
I say his body's too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody's got to take care of him
So I quit school and that's what I did

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
And we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still ain't got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You'll find work and I'll get promoted
We'll move out of the shelter
Buy a big house and live in the suburbs
You got a fast car
And I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I'd always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans I ain't going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so you can fly away
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight or live and die this way

New Furniture Doesn't Let You Down

He was so hurt by his past that he didn't want to even give it a chance. He didn't want to let anything possibly unknown into his life, so he bought himself a new rug and a love seat. Those two pieces of furniture were unable to hurt him and he didn't have to worry about letting them down. They were good enough to keep him happy and safe, so who was I to tell him he was wrong?

Drop

I started what I thought was going to be a great entry, got a few sentences in and now I can't get anything out. My head feels full from notes that I've taken all night and now I'm not finding any release.

I had a realization today that I am constantly waiting for the ball to drop. I am constantly waiting for good things to end and I assume that nothing can really be as great as it feels. I think this comes from growing up in a house where I was always ready and waiting for the next argument. I was always anticipating the next bad thing that was going to happen and how I was going to try and fix it or make it go away. Every morning I would wake up and try to make sure no one fought on the way to school. After school I'd rush home and again try to keep everyone calm and collected. At night I hated going to sleep before everyone else because I felt as though I had to be in constant control and make sure everyone was okay. I've been doing this for so long that I do it now without even thinking. I am always anticipating the next bad thing to happen and forgetting about what I'm doing at the time. This makes me wonder how many great moments I've missed because I've been locked in anxiety and trying to save the world.

Because I am usually waiting for the next bad thing, I make mountains out of mole hills and many times I look for problems when there are none. At this point I am trying to fix things before they are even broken and in turn breaking them myself. It really hadn't dawn on me that I do these things until earlier today and suddenly it all seemed so clear, my past, my present, and the root of this way of thinking. I think that because I grew up feeling so much anxiety now it almost feels like "home" to be standing in turmoil.

There are certain moments that I wish I could make last forever, but in concentrating on what you want to last, you miss all the great moments that come after. You can't hold onto anything, so why do I try so hard to do just that?

Evolution of a Man

Over the last year I've changed a ton and grown into a man that I am more proud of. I trust myself more then I ever have before and I have more power and belief in myself. I'm on the brink of doing things that I never thought I'd ever really be able and ready to do.

Of the many changes that I see within myself one of them is how I relate and handle my "relationships" with people. A lot of things that once got to me just don't anymore, and I enjoy a lot of things that I never would have been comfortable with before. In my opinion a lot of this is because of the faith and growth I've experienced, I feel like a more secure man, a more secure person in this world. I don't feel like I live on such emotionally shaky ground and I've stopped looking to other people to make me happy. In a lot of ways I've started to not only listen to myself more but to also listen to other people as well. I've grown into more acceptance of myself and there for into accepting other people for who they really are and not what I want them to be. There is a really powerfully emotional change in yourself when you can like everything about someone even if you don't agree with everything about them.

Not too long ago, earlier today, I had someone ask me what "psycho" things I've done when seeing someone. In that moment I really had to think, but as I sit alone in my apartment thinking it becomes ridiculously funny for me to think of the many things I've done. One of my largest flaws that really loves to show it's head when I'm insecure is that I get needy. I turn into a child and want to why and how come about everything. Since I have become a more secure man I am much better at controlling these urges. As much as I would like to lie and say that the urges don't exist, that would be a lie. Part of growth and change though is realizing where you have areas that you want to work on. I don't think anyone necessarily "needs" to "change" anything about themselves, but if you want to, you have to recognize what the problem is first. Because i've let the neediness take over me in the past I've definitely found myself looking like the psycho.

In the past I used to always find myself telling people what they needed to change about themselves. I was very quick to judge and tell them everything that they needed to add up to if they expected me to stick around. What person in their right mind would want to stay with someone already measuring them up? I think i was looking for someone to pick up everything I had left off and to some how "complete" me. Essentially telling the person, I need A, B, and C, and I need you to fit into them, NOW. I type this now with a smile, mainly because over the last year I've learned that everything I thought I needed seems so irrelevant.

I'm at a point where I still have negative relationship "deal breakers" pop up and I simply take a deep breath and ground myself. If anything, I have learned from my mistakes and I'm glad that I made them to begin with. Right now I am questioning my idea of what makes a "good" relationship actually "good". Being raised in middle class mid west America I have been programed that a happy home consists of a wife, husband, cat, dog, 2 cars, and 2.5 children. I wonder now, what would really make me happy? What would make Thomas wake up every morning in a relationship and be content with it? I do believe that one of the many keys to a good relationship is making a pact with your partner, a pact based on honesty, respect, and a choice to a certain degree. Everyday is not going to be roses and sunshine. I never want to go to sleep angry at the person I am with, I don't want to wake up angry, I'd just rather talk about things and take it from there. For so long in the past I've kept things bottled up and just waited for them to explode. And they always explode, you can't keep things hidden forever, life doesn't work that way.

Recently I've been questioning my belief on non-committed relationships. I've always thought that I was someone that could never handle something like that, I'm by far too jealous or maybe too insecure. I think instinctually as a man I want to "own" things, I want them to belong to me, but what beauty is in that? I think part of being with someone is wanting them to grow and expand, having a front seat to the beauty of a full show. Also, instinctually as a man, I/we want to have sex. It is a some what mechanical experience when emotions aren't involved, and emotions have definitely not been involved in every sexual experience I've ever had. With more then 50% percent of marriages ending, there has to be something missing? There has to be something that needs to change, what is the next evolutionary change in relationships? I wonder if now that I am more secure and more understanding of my needs and others, could I handle a change in my mind set? I'm honestly really confused with my thoughts because I've alway just had these ideas. Shouldn't a loving relationship be more based on honesty, trust, and respect then about a list of rules, things you are and are not allowed to do? How and where does one know to draw the lines? Are there no lines? I think that health would have to be a line, I wouldn't want to do anything that could harm my partner physically and/or emotionally. Is monogamy outdated?

Over the last year I've grown tremendously and because of this I am excited to see what the next year will bring as well.

Tracklist

I'm back.

I feel pressure over the top part of my chest, like a weight pressing down on my heart. My feet are aching from walking home and then to the 42nd street pier. At almost 1 am I felt the need to get out of my apartment and to walk. The only place in this city where you can leave your apartment and find silence is where the water presses against the island walls. We have to beaches in New York City, but i wish that tonight I would have been able to walk along the sand and feel waves crash against my feet.

Finding a bench at the furthest part out I sat and looked down over the edge at the unmoving water. It was peaceful like rippling glass. I wish we could see stars from the ground in New York, but for the most part they are covered by clouds or smog or the lights from building tops. I used to have access to the rooftop of my old apartment building. Sometimes at night I would go up there with beer or wine and just sit there starring up at the stars, at the clouds, listening to the horns and sirens that would fill the night. I've always wanted to make love under the stars, in the stars, with the stars.

The world only makes sense to me when I am outside at night with just my thoughts. These are usually the moments where I have the least thoughts, where I am the most at peace. As much as I love the peace of being quiet and alone, nothing compares to the peace I feel after giving a great performance. Although the two are very different they are also very much the same. Both situations leave you breathless and out of your head. I have to stop judging myself and honer my emotions more. I think it's funny that honer looks like boner when you read it quick.

I'm back.

My right arm has the shakes and it is holding sadness for me. I feel sad inside right now and my arm has decided that it wants to take care of it for me. I can feel it moving into my shoulder and my chest. My lips start to quiver and then it hits my eyes. Single tears.

Just like that the emotion is gone because I decided to fully acknowledge it and not hide it.

I don't think of myself as a sad person, but it does seem to be a lot of fuel for me creatively. Pretty much any really intense emotion seems to be fuel for me but the ones I seem to feel the most intensely are sadness, anger, happiness, and fear. Although 3 of those 4 seem like "bad" emotions, I'm learning to not put them in categories. There are no "good" and "bad" emotions. Emotions remind us that we are alive, that we are living, breathing, experiencing and human.

I'm back.

I feel tension in my feet. My toes are pointed up and waiting for me to relax them and tell them that everything is alright. It is, my feet can relax because I'm not running anywhere. I am okay with where I am, right here, right now, sitting on my couch and in this moment.