Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
From accross the couch she looked into my eyes. I felt them penetrate my skull and enter my thoughts. Before I could say anything she asked me, "Why are you depressed?" I thought for a moment and responded, "I didn't know I was." With a smile, "Well, how long have you felt the world on your back, like you can't get enough sleep, like you don't want to leave your home or work on the things you know you should?" I cringed, "My whole life I've felt the way I do now." I laughed, picked up the perscription and left the office.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Lets Be Friends
friend [frend]
–noun
a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
boy⋅friend [boi-frend]
–noun
1. a frequent or favorite male companion; beau.
2. a male friend.
3. a male lover.
Why is it so hard/impossible to go directly from "boyfriend" to "friend"? I have decided that the determining factor is the physical aspect of the relationship that has to change. Or is it not? I have many friends that I would only call a friend that I have cuddled with, which is very physical, but never a boy/girl(friend). Why is it that when you attach the sex of the person to the "friend" that it becomes something more intimate? The above definitions are from dictionary.com, and notice, the first (1) definition of boyfriend is "a frequent or favorite male companion; beau". I honestly have no idea where I'm trying to go with this. I feel like I started with a good idea, but fuck it.
I want to know why I, as in me, personally, Thomas, can not allow someone to transition without a shit load of trouble. I am, for the most part, very good friends with almost all of my exs as of now in my life. But ALL of them took a lot of time apart and then a meeting in the future. Do you just HAVE to have time apart to disconnect and then allow the person to enter your life at a later time, as something else? The simplest answer to this is "yes". At this point in the game things seem to be too fresh, too open nerved, too hitting close to home.
Isn't it crazy the way that you can still feel attached to someone when they have left your life for the time being? It's almost physical, but certainly an emotional bond. I feel as though I can almost see the energy that attaches me to certain people. It's overwhelming at times, like a magnet. There are times where I hate it and feel trapped, but other times where I love it and the imagery alone makes me smile. Perhaps in another dimension we are still "friends" and therefore I feel the connection?
At times it feels like a warm hug, the best kind.
I no longer feel sad about this connection, although at times the pulling is very intense and causes me shortness of breath. I am excited about my future and everything that it holds. I feel that perhaps in the future, this connection will be prominent again.
I feel like for the first time in a while my life is falling into place, on track and that doors are opening for me. I feel like I have working at them for a long time, and just now figured out the combination. I feel more calm, more ready, more awake. This has nothing to do with the end of my relationship, but why I bring it up is because I wish that I could share it with that person. I know that he has seen me at my worst, my saddest, and I wish that he now could see me getting ready to fly.
That is when I miss this direct physical connection the most, when I have something to celebrate, something to share.
I was recently speaking with a friend who's father died. He told me that he hadn't really cried too much or been to upset and that this made him feel guilty. Walking down the street, not too long ago, I saw Richard Geer. I picked up my phone and called my mom, she was very excited. Seeing Richard Geer means nothing to me, but wanting to share with my mom, who loves him, meant a lot to me. I think that if my mom were dead, those would be the moments that is would hit me and make me cry. I think the moments that you want to share with people and you can't, those are the roughest. I explained this to my friend and he said that yes, there are times when he wants to call his father and share something, and those are the times that it hits him that he can't, ever again.
I wish that there was a way to speed up the process of "boyfriend" to "friend". I wish that I could continue to share everything about myself and all my wins with this intense connection. But, I can't. I know this, and it frustrates me. This isn't even something that is up to him, but also up to me. I don't know how I would respond if I were even sitting next to him, I don't even know what emotion would go through my body, or how I would react. I'd try to smile, but I don't know if I could be convincing enough.
Is the end of a relationship relatable to a death? Both are changed in relationship and parts of them coming to a halt. No, i don't want to die, or anyone to. My point simply being that, I miss my relationship because right now I feel like celebrating, and I wish that I could celebrate with him.
I wish all of life were a celebration.
–noun
a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
boy⋅friend [boi-frend]
–noun
1. a frequent or favorite male companion; beau.
2. a male friend.
3. a male lover.
Why is it so hard/impossible to go directly from "boyfriend" to "friend"? I have decided that the determining factor is the physical aspect of the relationship that has to change. Or is it not? I have many friends that I would only call a friend that I have cuddled with, which is very physical, but never a boy/girl(friend). Why is it that when you attach the sex of the person to the "friend" that it becomes something more intimate? The above definitions are from dictionary.com, and notice, the first (1) definition of boyfriend is "a frequent or favorite male companion; beau". I honestly have no idea where I'm trying to go with this. I feel like I started with a good idea, but fuck it.
I want to know why I, as in me, personally, Thomas, can not allow someone to transition without a shit load of trouble. I am, for the most part, very good friends with almost all of my exs as of now in my life. But ALL of them took a lot of time apart and then a meeting in the future. Do you just HAVE to have time apart to disconnect and then allow the person to enter your life at a later time, as something else? The simplest answer to this is "yes". At this point in the game things seem to be too fresh, too open nerved, too hitting close to home.
Isn't it crazy the way that you can still feel attached to someone when they have left your life for the time being? It's almost physical, but certainly an emotional bond. I feel as though I can almost see the energy that attaches me to certain people. It's overwhelming at times, like a magnet. There are times where I hate it and feel trapped, but other times where I love it and the imagery alone makes me smile. Perhaps in another dimension we are still "friends" and therefore I feel the connection?
At times it feels like a warm hug, the best kind.
I no longer feel sad about this connection, although at times the pulling is very intense and causes me shortness of breath. I am excited about my future and everything that it holds. I feel that perhaps in the future, this connection will be prominent again.
I feel like for the first time in a while my life is falling into place, on track and that doors are opening for me. I feel like I have working at them for a long time, and just now figured out the combination. I feel more calm, more ready, more awake. This has nothing to do with the end of my relationship, but why I bring it up is because I wish that I could share it with that person. I know that he has seen me at my worst, my saddest, and I wish that he now could see me getting ready to fly.
That is when I miss this direct physical connection the most, when I have something to celebrate, something to share.
I was recently speaking with a friend who's father died. He told me that he hadn't really cried too much or been to upset and that this made him feel guilty. Walking down the street, not too long ago, I saw Richard Geer. I picked up my phone and called my mom, she was very excited. Seeing Richard Geer means nothing to me, but wanting to share with my mom, who loves him, meant a lot to me. I think that if my mom were dead, those would be the moments that is would hit me and make me cry. I think the moments that you want to share with people and you can't, those are the roughest. I explained this to my friend and he said that yes, there are times when he wants to call his father and share something, and those are the times that it hits him that he can't, ever again.
I wish that there was a way to speed up the process of "boyfriend" to "friend". I wish that I could continue to share everything about myself and all my wins with this intense connection. But, I can't. I know this, and it frustrates me. This isn't even something that is up to him, but also up to me. I don't know how I would respond if I were even sitting next to him, I don't even know what emotion would go through my body, or how I would react. I'd try to smile, but I don't know if I could be convincing enough.
Is the end of a relationship relatable to a death? Both are changed in relationship and parts of them coming to a halt. No, i don't want to die, or anyone to. My point simply being that, I miss my relationship because right now I feel like celebrating, and I wish that I could celebrate with him.
I wish all of life were a celebration.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Every Night
I have this irrational fear of waking up in the middle of the night from a bad dream, reaching for you next to me, and the realization that you're not there anymore. I think of this almost every night before I close my eyes.
Tool Academy
After another long day, all I can say is, I love TOOL ACADEMY 2. That's what I'm watching before bed. :-)
Monday, October 19, 2009
No Suits Please
Today I spend the day playing a stock broker. I had to wear two full suits, no, not at the same time. The entire time my stomach was in pain. I refuse to think that this is simply something pepto could solve, but more so my body resisting the corporate life. :-) I can't imagine getting up every morning, throwing on a suit and sitting in an office all day. Thankfully there are many choices out there.
I'd really like to write more, but I'm too tired.
I'd really like to write more, but I'm too tired.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
California Dreamin'
All the leaves are brown
All the leaves are brown
And the sky is grey
And the sky is grey
Ive been for a walk
Ive been for a walk
On a winters day
On a winters day
Id be safe and warm
Id be safe and warm
If I was in l.a.
If I was in l.a.
California dreamin
California dreamin
On such a winters day
Stopped into a church
I passed along the way
Well, I got down on my knees
Got down on my knees
And I pretend to pray
I pretend to pray
You know the preacher likes the cold
Preacher likes the cold
He knows Im gonna stay
Knows Im gonna stay
California dreamin
California dreamin
On such a winters day
All the leaves are brown
All the leaves are brown
And the sky is grey
And the sky is grey
Ive been for a walk
Ive been for a walk
On a winters day
On a winters day
If I didnt tell her
If I didnt tell her
I could leave today
I could leave today
California dreamin
California dreamin
On such a winters day
California dreaming
On such a winters day
California dreaming
On such a winters day
All the leaves are brown
And the sky is grey
And the sky is grey
Ive been for a walk
Ive been for a walk
On a winters day
On a winters day
Id be safe and warm
Id be safe and warm
If I was in l.a.
If I was in l.a.
California dreamin
California dreamin
On such a winters day
Stopped into a church
I passed along the way
Well, I got down on my knees
Got down on my knees
And I pretend to pray
I pretend to pray
You know the preacher likes the cold
Preacher likes the cold
He knows Im gonna stay
Knows Im gonna stay
California dreamin
California dreamin
On such a winters day
All the leaves are brown
All the leaves are brown
And the sky is grey
And the sky is grey
Ive been for a walk
Ive been for a walk
On a winters day
On a winters day
If I didnt tell her
If I didnt tell her
I could leave today
I could leave today
California dreamin
California dreamin
On such a winters day
California dreaming
On such a winters day
California dreaming
On such a winters day
Cali
Everyday I think about moving to California more and more... what am I waiting for? "My life to finally begin"?
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Starlight
One of my new favorite songs.
Far away
This ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die
The Starlight
I will be chasing a starlight
Until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore
Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms
My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive
I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms
Far away
This ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die
I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
Far away
This ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die
The Starlight
I will be chasing a starlight
Until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore
Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms
My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive
I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms
Far away
This ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die
I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
Friday, October 16, 2009
Tonight, Tonight, yes, fucking Tonight
Tonight:
Tonight, yes, fucking Tonight, I've learned many things:
1. I am not going to find the person of my dreams in a bar. This is in no way to say that I haven't already met the person of my dreams at some point, or to say that everyone that goes into a bar is not worth my time. This is just coming from the point of view of the sober bartender serving everyone that is fucked up out of their minds.
1A. I drink, I am normal. But rarely to the point that I can't speak. And further more, if you slur when you ask me on a date, chances are I will say no. Call me picky.
1B. I don't do hard drugs. Ganja is not a hard drug. But it seems that everywhere you turn around in clubs someone is stuffing something up their nose. I've heard the argument that, "everyone does it". But no, that's not true, I can name 10 people that don't to every 1 that I know that does. I personally don't care if you do, I have friends that do, and I don't think it's a huge deal. But I don't want to date someone that does. I think that's fair. I can't even say that I have never done it, because I have, and it didn't seem like a big deal to even do it. I've done it enough to know that I don't need it, want it, and I don't like how it makes me feel.
1Ba. In a perfect world, I would rather be the drug that you are addicted to. I want someone to be addicted to me, not be able to get enough of me. I want someone to chop me up into little pieces on a fancy mirror and snort me up in a one dollar bill. Ok, not really, that may have been going to far.
1C. Where the Hell do people hang out besides bars? This is when it hit me, I need to focus more on doing the things that I love and less on finding someone that I can do the things I love with. If that didn't make sense, think of it this way; If I only do the things I love, then I will only find people that also enjoy doing the things I love. This sounds simple, but for some reason I guess it never really crossed my mind. Some how in some way, tonight it all clicked. I just need to focus more on my career and on myself, less on what's going on around me. I need to create more of my own world and live fully in it. This probably sounds self-centered, but whatever, so many people have already been telling me that I am, so I might as well make it come true. Plus, I'm 25, I have plenty of years to worry about everyone else later, maybe it is time I took control and just focused on me?
2. Sometimes you can't say everything you want to. Sometimes you really are between a rock and a hard spot. I can't even say what I want to on here, or to anyone.
2a. I miss my ex like crazy sometimes. At moments it almost seems overwhelming and I choke, I can't breathe. Other times I think that I made the "right" choice and I don't think twice. Sometimes I wake up and miss him, sometimes I just wake up and make myself eggs and don't think about it. My thoughts are fleeting and all over the place. This is why I don't call/text him and tell him that I want him back. I have many many moments where I feel as though I do, and many where I feel as though I don't. How unfair of me would it be for me to call him and say, "Baby, I love you, I miss you, I want to make this work". Have him come over, sleep together and then wake in the morning and think, "oh shit, I have to break up with him again". If I were to so this, it would make me the worst person in the world and only hurt both of us more so. I'm giving myself 30 days to think. 30 days to figure it all out in my head. I can't let someone I care about sit and wait for me, or dangle on a string. I've had it done to me, and it sucks.
2b. I wish I would think things out more before I do them.
2c. I wish I would think things out less before I do them.
3. I must stop looking outside myself.
Tonight, yes, fucking Tonight, I've learned many things:
1. I am not going to find the person of my dreams in a bar. This is in no way to say that I haven't already met the person of my dreams at some point, or to say that everyone that goes into a bar is not worth my time. This is just coming from the point of view of the sober bartender serving everyone that is fucked up out of their minds.
1A. I drink, I am normal. But rarely to the point that I can't speak. And further more, if you slur when you ask me on a date, chances are I will say no. Call me picky.
1B. I don't do hard drugs. Ganja is not a hard drug. But it seems that everywhere you turn around in clubs someone is stuffing something up their nose. I've heard the argument that, "everyone does it". But no, that's not true, I can name 10 people that don't to every 1 that I know that does. I personally don't care if you do, I have friends that do, and I don't think it's a huge deal. But I don't want to date someone that does. I think that's fair. I can't even say that I have never done it, because I have, and it didn't seem like a big deal to even do it. I've done it enough to know that I don't need it, want it, and I don't like how it makes me feel.
1Ba. In a perfect world, I would rather be the drug that you are addicted to. I want someone to be addicted to me, not be able to get enough of me. I want someone to chop me up into little pieces on a fancy mirror and snort me up in a one dollar bill. Ok, not really, that may have been going to far.
1C. Where the Hell do people hang out besides bars? This is when it hit me, I need to focus more on doing the things that I love and less on finding someone that I can do the things I love with. If that didn't make sense, think of it this way; If I only do the things I love, then I will only find people that also enjoy doing the things I love. This sounds simple, but for some reason I guess it never really crossed my mind. Some how in some way, tonight it all clicked. I just need to focus more on my career and on myself, less on what's going on around me. I need to create more of my own world and live fully in it. This probably sounds self-centered, but whatever, so many people have already been telling me that I am, so I might as well make it come true. Plus, I'm 25, I have plenty of years to worry about everyone else later, maybe it is time I took control and just focused on me?
2. Sometimes you can't say everything you want to. Sometimes you really are between a rock and a hard spot. I can't even say what I want to on here, or to anyone.
2a. I miss my ex like crazy sometimes. At moments it almost seems overwhelming and I choke, I can't breathe. Other times I think that I made the "right" choice and I don't think twice. Sometimes I wake up and miss him, sometimes I just wake up and make myself eggs and don't think about it. My thoughts are fleeting and all over the place. This is why I don't call/text him and tell him that I want him back. I have many many moments where I feel as though I do, and many where I feel as though I don't. How unfair of me would it be for me to call him and say, "Baby, I love you, I miss you, I want to make this work". Have him come over, sleep together and then wake in the morning and think, "oh shit, I have to break up with him again". If I were to so this, it would make me the worst person in the world and only hurt both of us more so. I'm giving myself 30 days to think. 30 days to figure it all out in my head. I can't let someone I care about sit and wait for me, or dangle on a string. I've had it done to me, and it sucks.
2b. I wish I would think things out more before I do them.
2c. I wish I would think things out less before I do them.
3. I must stop looking outside myself.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
An Open Letter to God
Dear God,
Did you create cold rainy days to torture all single people, or just me?
Love you,
Thomas
Did you create cold rainy days to torture all single people, or just me?
Love you,
Thomas
When Songs Attack
At the age of 11 I really started to listening to music and paying attention to the lyrics. My first love was of course Alanis Morissette and then everything had become history. That was apx. the same age I started to put music and emotions together. I found that I could control emotions based on the type of music I were listening to. I also find that music can deepen an emotion and sometimes help you through things. Yes, all of this seems basic and we have all thought these things before, no?
Every time I go through a break up I always attach a song to the person, something about the sound, the lyrics, or just where my head is. I have a song for everyone in my life that has ever meant something to me.
With my recent relationship it has been the song Cold Desert by Kings of Leon. This is kind of funny because I had never heard the song until I recently downloaded the album a week or so ago. I'm not sure exactly why I attach it to this particular person, so I assume that it is more so about how I feel and less about him.
The Attack:
Yesterday I was in Brooklyn doing a random shoot and like all shoots, there was music playing. About 30 seconds after I walked in the studio Cold Desert came on. I thought, "What the fuck? Am I going to burst into tears right now? Because I'd rather not." I closed my eyes for a moment and just the emotion pass through me and exit. Put on a smiling face and imagined a gold shield of light protecting me and not allowing the happiness I was trying to convey slip from my body.
The shoot continued as they do and as I were packing my things up, "Glass Vase Cello Case" by Tattle Tale (which I just posted on here a couple days ago), came on. I have never ever in my entire life heard this song outside of me playing it for someone or outside of "But I'm a Cheerleader". I have never heard anything else the group has ever recorded and know nothing of them. I was shocked, just smiled and tried to laugh at the irony of all this. The next song started, and I shit you not, "Breathe Me" by Sia. Just listening to the first few beats of this songs brings me to tears, I used to use it in acting class all the time for sad scenes. At this point I was no longer laughing, but screaming inside, I needed to leave. I took a few deep breathes, and left, but felt as though I barely made it out alive.
I'm on the corner waiting for a light to come on
That's when I know that you're alone
It's cold in the desert, water never sees the ground
Special unspoken without sound
Told me you love me, that I'd never die alone
Hand over your heart, let's go home
Everyone noticed, everyone has seen the signs
I've always been known to cross lines
I never ever cried when I was feeling down
I've always been scared of the sound
Jesus don't love me, no one ever carried my load
I'm too young to feel this old
Here's to you, here's to me
On to us, nobody knows
Nobody sees, nobody but me
"Hand over your heart, let's go home".
Every time I go through a break up I always attach a song to the person, something about the sound, the lyrics, or just where my head is. I have a song for everyone in my life that has ever meant something to me.
With my recent relationship it has been the song Cold Desert by Kings of Leon. This is kind of funny because I had never heard the song until I recently downloaded the album a week or so ago. I'm not sure exactly why I attach it to this particular person, so I assume that it is more so about how I feel and less about him.
The Attack:
Yesterday I was in Brooklyn doing a random shoot and like all shoots, there was music playing. About 30 seconds after I walked in the studio Cold Desert came on. I thought, "What the fuck? Am I going to burst into tears right now? Because I'd rather not." I closed my eyes for a moment and just the emotion pass through me and exit. Put on a smiling face and imagined a gold shield of light protecting me and not allowing the happiness I was trying to convey slip from my body.
The shoot continued as they do and as I were packing my things up, "Glass Vase Cello Case" by Tattle Tale (which I just posted on here a couple days ago), came on. I have never ever in my entire life heard this song outside of me playing it for someone or outside of "But I'm a Cheerleader". I have never heard anything else the group has ever recorded and know nothing of them. I was shocked, just smiled and tried to laugh at the irony of all this. The next song started, and I shit you not, "Breathe Me" by Sia. Just listening to the first few beats of this songs brings me to tears, I used to use it in acting class all the time for sad scenes. At this point I was no longer laughing, but screaming inside, I needed to leave. I took a few deep breathes, and left, but felt as though I barely made it out alive.
I'm on the corner waiting for a light to come on
That's when I know that you're alone
It's cold in the desert, water never sees the ground
Special unspoken without sound
Told me you love me, that I'd never die alone
Hand over your heart, let's go home
Everyone noticed, everyone has seen the signs
I've always been known to cross lines
I never ever cried when I was feeling down
I've always been scared of the sound
Jesus don't love me, no one ever carried my load
I'm too young to feel this old
Here's to you, here's to me
On to us, nobody knows
Nobody sees, nobody but me
"Hand over your heart, let's go home".
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Juliette Lewis
I never really paid too much attention to Juliette Lewis until recently. She is crazy, and I love it.
Juliette and the Licks
Self - Someone Else
It has been 9 days since my break up. In some ways I can't believe that it has been that long.. It still feels like it were yesterday, and I do realize that in the long scheme of life 9 days really isn't that long at all. It has, for the most part, been my every thought.
I have good days where I wake up happy and ready for the sunshine, and others where I wake up sad and have no idea what to even do with myself. Sometimes the simple act of throwing my feet to the floor and standing up is too much to handle. I don't think that I'm depressed, but more so find myself lonely and filled with silence.
For the last 8 months, if I woke up alone, my first motion was to reach over, grab my phone and text the person I was dating. We would end up texting back and forth for a while and then I'd get up, have breakfast, catch up on e-mails, go to the gym, and then probably lunch with "the other half".
Now I wake up with only going to the gym to look forward to... yes, going to the gym. As much as I love going to gym, it really doesn't fill the void of human contact. Obviously I still have human contact, just the not the exact type that I'm used to. Surprisingly, I haven't felt less sexual then I am now in a LONG time. It is almost the furthest thing from my mind 99% of the time. I don't think I'm ready to even just be physically close to someone else yet, and really, it's only been a few days, so that shouldn't be too strange.
Now I guess I'm at the point of wondering what I should do with all the things in my apartment that remind me of him. We didn't fight, I don't hate him, I don't want to forget him, but for now I have to find a way to stop thinking about it so much. I need time to think about other things, and I just keep playing scenes over and over in my head. Everything about my apartment reminds me of moments, times, experiences, memories... Do I put all the little things into a box and pack it away? Throw things out? (Which I really don't think I need/want to do). Basically, I spend a decent amount of time in my apartment and I can't spend every minute rethinking things that I can't change.
One of the toughest things for me this far is knowing that he is hurting. I am hurting, but I know I can handle it. I know what my own limits are, I know what I can deal with. He is a grown fully functional human being, but I wish I could just snap my fingers and make it all go away. It sucks when you want to be there for someone, but given the situation, you just can't be. I'm terrified he is going to end up hating me. Terrified. Perhaps if the roles were switched, then I'd hate me? There is no worse feeling in the entire world then knowing that you've hurt someone you care about. If I could bottle everything up myself and deal with it for both of us, I would.
I don't know what the future holds, but I like to think that it has a lot of beautiful sunsets, beach, lots of water, and maybe a few drinks. A lot of years, tons of dancing, picture books for miles, and memories that pass energy into the world forever.
I need to take time and focus on myself, but all I keep thinking about is someone else.
I have good days where I wake up happy and ready for the sunshine, and others where I wake up sad and have no idea what to even do with myself. Sometimes the simple act of throwing my feet to the floor and standing up is too much to handle. I don't think that I'm depressed, but more so find myself lonely and filled with silence.
For the last 8 months, if I woke up alone, my first motion was to reach over, grab my phone and text the person I was dating. We would end up texting back and forth for a while and then I'd get up, have breakfast, catch up on e-mails, go to the gym, and then probably lunch with "the other half".
Now I wake up with only going to the gym to look forward to... yes, going to the gym. As much as I love going to gym, it really doesn't fill the void of human contact. Obviously I still have human contact, just the not the exact type that I'm used to. Surprisingly, I haven't felt less sexual then I am now in a LONG time. It is almost the furthest thing from my mind 99% of the time. I don't think I'm ready to even just be physically close to someone else yet, and really, it's only been a few days, so that shouldn't be too strange.
Now I guess I'm at the point of wondering what I should do with all the things in my apartment that remind me of him. We didn't fight, I don't hate him, I don't want to forget him, but for now I have to find a way to stop thinking about it so much. I need time to think about other things, and I just keep playing scenes over and over in my head. Everything about my apartment reminds me of moments, times, experiences, memories... Do I put all the little things into a box and pack it away? Throw things out? (Which I really don't think I need/want to do). Basically, I spend a decent amount of time in my apartment and I can't spend every minute rethinking things that I can't change.
One of the toughest things for me this far is knowing that he is hurting. I am hurting, but I know I can handle it. I know what my own limits are, I know what I can deal with. He is a grown fully functional human being, but I wish I could just snap my fingers and make it all go away. It sucks when you want to be there for someone, but given the situation, you just can't be. I'm terrified he is going to end up hating me. Terrified. Perhaps if the roles were switched, then I'd hate me? There is no worse feeling in the entire world then knowing that you've hurt someone you care about. If I could bottle everything up myself and deal with it for both of us, I would.
I don't know what the future holds, but I like to think that it has a lot of beautiful sunsets, beach, lots of water, and maybe a few drinks. A lot of years, tons of dancing, picture books for miles, and memories that pass energy into the world forever.
I need to take time and focus on myself, but all I keep thinking about is someone else.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
"Better"
I don't believe that people can be labeled as "better" or as "worse". I don't think someone can "do better". I think that you can only do differently.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Marathon
Yesterday in CA Alanis Morissette ran a 26.4 mile marathon for the National Eating Disorder Association. She was able to make it in just over 4 hours. That fucking rocks. I love her.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Tweaks, Turns and Love
One of my closest friends has asked me many times, "What is the perfect person that I see as being my match?" More so, describe that person and the qualities that they would carry. I have a hard time answering this, so clearly I don't really know.
I think that probably somewhere at the top of the list would be to love what you do, your job, your activities, your passion. I want to wake up to someone that is smiling every morning, even when it's raining. I want to marry someone that is so annoyingly happy that it makes me smile. Maybe someone to teach me how to smile more? I don't think that someone can be happy all the time, but a positive outlook would be nice.
I want you to want to change the world. I have full intentions of somehow making an impact on the world and a partner in crime would be great.
Please be open to sharing all of your emotions. Even if sometimes the emotion is for me to "shut the fuck up". Sometimes I need to "shut the fuck up". Although, "please be quiet", might be nicer. :-)
I've often said that I don't know if i've ever been "in love". And this is true, I don't know if I have been. But is it possible to love someone but not be "in love" with them? Does that make your relationship more of a friendship? I love all of my friends, but I'm not "in love" with them. Is it different because you don't sleep with your friends? (most of the time anyways).
I've most recently loved someone and never told him. I don't know if I were "in love", but I also don't think I'd be able to identify it if I were anyways. I don't understand what "in love" is supposed to feel like. Sometimes I'm too focused on my own emotions and not on the ones of the people around me. I am emotionally selfish.
Growing up I was always very focused on keeping everyone else happy that I never paid attention to how I felt. I just wanted everyone to stop fighting all the time. I would always try to be the center of attention so everyone else would forget their problems and leave each other alone. Maybe this is why I want to act so badly? So that people can focus on me, on something else, so they can forget about the hard stuff.
Somewhere along the line I slipped from focusing on everyone else to focusing only on myself and how I feel. I've had a tendency to toss aside other peoples feelings, and not even realize it.
I don't know what I want in the "perfect" person. I'm not even sure how I would identify myself, or what I have to offer someone. This isn't to say that I feel as though I have nothing to offer, because I know I do. I mean more so that I just don't really know what makes me different.
I'm so used to people telling me that I'm attractive, but that I need to smile more. I don't smile a ton because I'm usually thinking too hard, too much. I find it rather funny that people assume if you're not smiling that you are angry, sad, mad, depressed, or have no personality. Maybe I just don't have to smile all the time to prove to the world that I'm alive?
I love to take candid photos of people, my friend when we are out, someone sitting on the couch next to me. Hands. Hands are beautiful. Please let me take your photo, whenever I want. It isn't about looking good, but more so wanting to capture all the beauty that I see in that simple moment.
To love and not be "in love". To be "in love" and not know it. To be loved and feel unloved all at the same time.
How can I end this not with an Alanis song?
Princes Familiar
please be philosophical
please be tapped into your femininity
please be able to take the wheel from me
please be crazy and curious
papa love your princess so that she will find loving princes familiar
papa cry for your princess so that she will find gentle princes familiar
please be a sexaholic
please be unpredictably miserable
please be self absorbed much (not the good kind)
please be addicted to some substance
papa listen to your princess so that she will find attentive princes familiar
papa hear your princess so that she will find curious princes familiar
please be the jerk of my knee
I've fit you always
you finish my sentences
I think I love you
what is your name again no matter
i'm guessing your thoughts again correctly
and I love the way you press my buttons so much sometimes I could strangle you
papa laugh with your princess so that she will find funny princes familiar
papa respect your princess so that she will find respectful princes familiar
please be strangely enigmatic
please be just like my
I think that probably somewhere at the top of the list would be to love what you do, your job, your activities, your passion. I want to wake up to someone that is smiling every morning, even when it's raining. I want to marry someone that is so annoyingly happy that it makes me smile. Maybe someone to teach me how to smile more? I don't think that someone can be happy all the time, but a positive outlook would be nice.
I want you to want to change the world. I have full intentions of somehow making an impact on the world and a partner in crime would be great.
Please be open to sharing all of your emotions. Even if sometimes the emotion is for me to "shut the fuck up". Sometimes I need to "shut the fuck up". Although, "please be quiet", might be nicer. :-)
I've often said that I don't know if i've ever been "in love". And this is true, I don't know if I have been. But is it possible to love someone but not be "in love" with them? Does that make your relationship more of a friendship? I love all of my friends, but I'm not "in love" with them. Is it different because you don't sleep with your friends? (most of the time anyways).
I've most recently loved someone and never told him. I don't know if I were "in love", but I also don't think I'd be able to identify it if I were anyways. I don't understand what "in love" is supposed to feel like. Sometimes I'm too focused on my own emotions and not on the ones of the people around me. I am emotionally selfish.
Growing up I was always very focused on keeping everyone else happy that I never paid attention to how I felt. I just wanted everyone to stop fighting all the time. I would always try to be the center of attention so everyone else would forget their problems and leave each other alone. Maybe this is why I want to act so badly? So that people can focus on me, on something else, so they can forget about the hard stuff.
Somewhere along the line I slipped from focusing on everyone else to focusing only on myself and how I feel. I've had a tendency to toss aside other peoples feelings, and not even realize it.
I don't know what I want in the "perfect" person. I'm not even sure how I would identify myself, or what I have to offer someone. This isn't to say that I feel as though I have nothing to offer, because I know I do. I mean more so that I just don't really know what makes me different.
I'm so used to people telling me that I'm attractive, but that I need to smile more. I don't smile a ton because I'm usually thinking too hard, too much. I find it rather funny that people assume if you're not smiling that you are angry, sad, mad, depressed, or have no personality. Maybe I just don't have to smile all the time to prove to the world that I'm alive?
I love to take candid photos of people, my friend when we are out, someone sitting on the couch next to me. Hands. Hands are beautiful. Please let me take your photo, whenever I want. It isn't about looking good, but more so wanting to capture all the beauty that I see in that simple moment.
To love and not be "in love". To be "in love" and not know it. To be loved and feel unloved all at the same time.
How can I end this not with an Alanis song?
Princes Familiar
please be philosophical
please be tapped into your femininity
please be able to take the wheel from me
please be crazy and curious
papa love your princess so that she will find loving princes familiar
papa cry for your princess so that she will find gentle princes familiar
please be a sexaholic
please be unpredictably miserable
please be self absorbed much (not the good kind)
please be addicted to some substance
papa listen to your princess so that she will find attentive princes familiar
papa hear your princess so that she will find curious princes familiar
please be the jerk of my knee
I've fit you always
you finish my sentences
I think I love you
what is your name again no matter
i'm guessing your thoughts again correctly
and I love the way you press my buttons so much sometimes I could strangle you
papa laugh with your princess so that she will find funny princes familiar
papa respect your princess so that she will find respectful princes familiar
please be strangely enigmatic
please be just like my
Oasis - Don't Look Back in Anger
I've been slightly bored with the music on my iPhone, so I've been listening to Pandora Radio while I work out at the gym. This song came on today, and it was so fitting. I love little moments in life like that.
Slip inside the eye of your mind
Don't you know you might find
A better place to play
You said that you'd never been
But all the things that you've seen
Will slowly fade away
So I start a revolution from my bed
'Cause you said the Brains I had went to my head
Step outside the summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out
So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger
I heard you say
Take me to the place where you go
Where nobody knows, if it's night or day.
Please don't put your life in the hands
Of a Rock 'n Roll band
Who'll throw it all away
I'm gonna start the revolution from my bed
'Cos you said the Brains I had went to my head
Step outside cos summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
Cos you ain't ever gonna burn my heart out
So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late as she's walking on by.
My soul slides away, but don't look back in anger
I heard you say
So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger
I heard you say
And So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late and she's walking on by
My soul slides away, but don't look back in anger, don't look back in anger
I heard you say
At least not today.
Slip inside the eye of your mind
Don't you know you might find
A better place to play
You said that you'd never been
But all the things that you've seen
Will slowly fade away
So I start a revolution from my bed
'Cause you said the Brains I had went to my head
Step outside the summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out
So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger
I heard you say
Take me to the place where you go
Where nobody knows, if it's night or day.
Please don't put your life in the hands
Of a Rock 'n Roll band
Who'll throw it all away
I'm gonna start the revolution from my bed
'Cos you said the Brains I had went to my head
Step outside cos summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
Cos you ain't ever gonna burn my heart out
So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late as she's walking on by.
My soul slides away, but don't look back in anger
I heard you say
So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger
I heard you say
And So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late and she's walking on by
My soul slides away, but don't look back in anger, don't look back in anger
I heard you say
At least not today.
-----> Here <-----
I decided that today would be a good day for a jog in Central Park, just something to clear my head. Lately it's been cluttered and I haven't exactly been able to figure out how to clear it all out.
As I slowed down I thought about lying the grass, but noticed a rock in the not too far distance. I made my way over to the rock and as I stood at the top, I looked down. Below my feet was the inscription, "Jesus was here".
A smile spread across my face, and I felt like a wonderful first kiss. I felt safe for a moment, and I laughed. I laughed because I were taking life too seriously and this was exactly what I needed to make myself forget.
This also got me thinking, "I wonder if Jesus ever wrote these words". Perhaps as a child he wrote his name on things like children do. Although I'm sure that Jesus never visited this section of Central Park, I know he is there all the time. I wonder if Jesus ever went through stages of "finding himself". I wonder if he ever broke some ones' heart, or maybe his own? I wonder if Jesus ever made any of the same mistakes that I have, that everyone has.
I wonder if Jesus ever sat in silence at 6am on a sunday morning and wished for a noise. For something to remind him that there is life all around him. Did anyone ever have to tell him to just breathe, and that everything will be ok?
Saturday, October 10, 2009
What It All Comes Down To
My Proactive Formula
1. An obstacle occurs
2. Realize your reaction is the real enemy
3. Shut down your Reaction System and invite the Light in
4. Effectively express your Proactive Nature
I think the above has to do with Kabbalah. Someone gave it to me, and yes, it does fit me to a T. It really wasn't until I read these lines that I started to pay attention that in many ways my reaction to things is what gets me into trouble. I need to learn how to grind my teeth, grin and bare it.
1. An obstacle occurs
2. Realize your reaction is the real enemy
3. Shut down your Reaction System and invite the Light in
4. Effectively express your Proactive Nature
I think the above has to do with Kabbalah. Someone gave it to me, and yes, it does fit me to a T. It really wasn't until I read these lines that I started to pay attention that in many ways my reaction to things is what gets me into trouble. I need to learn how to grind my teeth, grin and bare it.
That I Would Be Good
That I would be good -Alanis Morissette
That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
That I would be fine even even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing
That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy
That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
Whether with or without you
That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
That I would be fine even even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing
That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy
That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
Whether with or without you
Mommy Says
That anger I've been looking for, I think I just found it.
I think who you are now, that's who you're going to be when you are 80. I still need to grow.
And I know, I'm the most judgmental person you've ever known.
I'm the most a lot of things that you've ever known.
I think my anger dwells from this irrational need to save. I always want to save people. Help them. "Help". "Help" as I see it. Mommy says, "You need help". Maybe I just need to accept people for who they are? Maybe I should just settle and be ok with what I have? Maybe I should stop wanting more?
I hate this feeling in my stomach, this pit. I want to fill it with something, nothing hits the spot.
"Sometimes you bore me so much I want to run screaming down a highway, naked, jabbing myself with hot needles, just to prove to myself that I am indeed alive, that I haven't drifted into some catatonic state resembling death but without its rewards"
-Alan Ball 'the M word'
I think who you are now, that's who you're going to be when you are 80. I still need to grow.
And I know, I'm the most judgmental person you've ever known.
I'm the most a lot of things that you've ever known.
I think my anger dwells from this irrational need to save. I always want to save people. Help them. "Help". "Help" as I see it. Mommy says, "You need help". Maybe I just need to accept people for who they are? Maybe I should just settle and be ok with what I have? Maybe I should stop wanting more?
I hate this feeling in my stomach, this pit. I want to fill it with something, nothing hits the spot.
"Sometimes you bore me so much I want to run screaming down a highway, naked, jabbing myself with hot needles, just to prove to myself that I am indeed alive, that I haven't drifted into some catatonic state resembling death but without its rewards"
-Alan Ball 'the M word'
Friday, October 9, 2009
The Return
It's the return of Emo Thomas. Hold tight folks, this could get bumpy, this could get a little messy, this could be nothing at all.
Why did I drop the pen for so long? It feels like home; maybe that's where I was running from?
Glass Vase Cello Case by Tattle Tale
Breathe into my hands I'll cup them like a glass to drink from
Are you still, still breathin'
Are you still
Breathin'
Are you still, still breathin'
Are you still
Breathin'
Breathe into my hands I'll cup them like a glass to drink from
Why did I drop the pen for so long? It feels like home; maybe that's where I was running from?
Glass Vase Cello Case by Tattle Tale
Breathe into my hands I'll cup them like a glass to drink from
Are you still, still breathin'
Are you still
Breathin'
Are you still, still breathin'
Are you still
Breathin'
Breathe into my hands I'll cup them like a glass to drink from
Gaze (not gays).
Slowly, with ease and precision, "it" turned and starred me down. I could feel the bristles deep gaze on me, through the wall. Through the kitchen fridge, and through my skull. "It" had many questions, and I could offer very few answers. So few answers that I decided not to reply to any of the asked.
The toothbrush wanted to know why it wasn't being used. It had been 8 months since the toothbrush had gone more then 36 hours without being used. The toothbrush had seen the one next to "it" being used more often then 3 times a day, sometimes an OCD amount of times, but "it" still stood... untouched. Waiting.
Although I did not excel in grammar in primary school, middle school, or high school, I know that "Waiting" is not a complete sentence. In my defense, sometimes don't you feel as though that's where you are, who you are, and what you are?
Waiting.
The toothbrush wanted to know why it wasn't being used. It had been 8 months since the toothbrush had gone more then 36 hours without being used. The toothbrush had seen the one next to "it" being used more often then 3 times a day, sometimes an OCD amount of times, but "it" still stood... untouched. Waiting.
Although I did not excel in grammar in primary school, middle school, or high school, I know that "Waiting" is not a complete sentence. In my defense, sometimes don't you feel as though that's where you are, who you are, and what you are?
Waiting.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
100th Post - My Neighbors Shitty Music - Break-Up
I just logged into my account to find that I have posted 100 times, including this one.
My neighbor is constantly blasting techno music on the weekend, cramming far too many people in her apartment and basically making me laugh. Laugh because I can think of nothing else to call her but "Jersey". Granted, I have never met her, but I can only assume that she is the first of her friends to have their own place in the city and there for everyone has a free-for-all crash there. Or passes out just outside of her door (yes, this really happens). At this moment she is blasting Dave Matthews Band. For the first time, I don't hate her music.
Today was the first day in a while that I walked around the city without my iPod blaring in my ears, I decided that for a small amount of time I would allow the world to play. It's far too easy to walk around these streets and simply block everything and everyone out. I was standing on the subway platform waiting for the train to carry me back up to Hell's Kitchen from my audition downtown. I couldn't decide on a song, so I decided on none. Truth being, I couldn't decide on an emotion, and therefore I couldn't decide on a song to match it.
It is only Thursday and this has been a very confusing week... I'm mentally exhausted... mentally rundown... mentally obliterated. I'm dealing with a break-up, and it may be perhaps the most healthy break-up I've ever had. We aren't mad at each other, we aren't angry and hating each other, there was no yelling, screaming, or belittling. I'm used to a fight, so I was shocked to find myself upset but at peace. I had no idea sometimes they went hand in hand.
I didn't feel as though something in my relationship was clicking, I felt as though I kept waiting for something to happen, something to change, some sort of wild emotion to flow out of me. I didn't take into consideration that it was possible that I were blocking myself from having an emotion when I've felt them so easily in the past. Now, now I don't know.
My apartment is drenched in gifts, photos, paintings, and memories. It is the first and only relationship I've had yet in this apartment and part of me feels as though it isn't just "my" apartment.
The saddest thing in my life right now is a toothbrush. I'm just not strong enough to throw it away. I'm paying 1,400 dollars a month for a small apartment that I don't even have the emotional right to anymore, because of a fucking toothbrush? The other day I smelled this toothbrush, it doesn't smell like the person, it smells like crest. I hate crest. Knowing that said toothbrush is only a few feet away from me makes my gut retch and tears fall from my eyes.
It's just a fucking toothbrush.
My neighbor is constantly blasting techno music on the weekend, cramming far too many people in her apartment and basically making me laugh. Laugh because I can think of nothing else to call her but "Jersey". Granted, I have never met her, but I can only assume that she is the first of her friends to have their own place in the city and there for everyone has a free-for-all crash there. Or passes out just outside of her door (yes, this really happens). At this moment she is blasting Dave Matthews Band. For the first time, I don't hate her music.
Today was the first day in a while that I walked around the city without my iPod blaring in my ears, I decided that for a small amount of time I would allow the world to play. It's far too easy to walk around these streets and simply block everything and everyone out. I was standing on the subway platform waiting for the train to carry me back up to Hell's Kitchen from my audition downtown. I couldn't decide on a song, so I decided on none. Truth being, I couldn't decide on an emotion, and therefore I couldn't decide on a song to match it.
It is only Thursday and this has been a very confusing week... I'm mentally exhausted... mentally rundown... mentally obliterated. I'm dealing with a break-up, and it may be perhaps the most healthy break-up I've ever had. We aren't mad at each other, we aren't angry and hating each other, there was no yelling, screaming, or belittling. I'm used to a fight, so I was shocked to find myself upset but at peace. I had no idea sometimes they went hand in hand.
I didn't feel as though something in my relationship was clicking, I felt as though I kept waiting for something to happen, something to change, some sort of wild emotion to flow out of me. I didn't take into consideration that it was possible that I were blocking myself from having an emotion when I've felt them so easily in the past. Now, now I don't know.
My apartment is drenched in gifts, photos, paintings, and memories. It is the first and only relationship I've had yet in this apartment and part of me feels as though it isn't just "my" apartment.
The saddest thing in my life right now is a toothbrush. I'm just not strong enough to throw it away. I'm paying 1,400 dollars a month for a small apartment that I don't even have the emotional right to anymore, because of a fucking toothbrush? The other day I smelled this toothbrush, it doesn't smell like the person, it smells like crest. I hate crest. Knowing that said toothbrush is only a few feet away from me makes my gut retch and tears fall from my eyes.
It's just a fucking toothbrush.
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