My Grandma is Dying.

I am supposed to go and visit my grandma next Monday. Not in 4 days, but in 11. I've was planning on going to visit her a few months, but I kept putting it off. It's not that I found reasons not to, as much as that I was going through a break up and then I started a new job.

I've been working on the Artist's Way and part of that is grabbing life by the balls. I've been trying to keep in touch with people that I've lost touch with and stay connected with those that I love. I called my grandma and bought a plane ticket to go and visit her for Christmas. My plan was to leave on the 21st from NY, visit her for a few days and then head to Michigan to see my parents and sisters.

I got a call today.. my grandma is in the hospital. My aunt, that I haven't had a conversation with in years, found her laying unconscious on the floor. She wasn't moving, but she was alive. She called an ambulance and now my grandmother is laying in a hospital bed. She isn't talking, or moving, and I don't know what that means. Is it a coma, can you be in a coma at 90?

I feel sad.

But I also don't feel much of anything. I love her. I have had some great conversations with her, and I'm 25. I've known her all of my life, so why do I feel so little? Should I feel more? Should I be crying in a corner? Should tears be streaming down my face? Why do I feel guilty for feeling less?

My grandma was married once, he died before I was born. She never remarried. She lived the rest of her life alone, what if that happens to me? Am I dead inside? Sometimes I think so.

She loved mystery novels, the really shitty ones that only old people read. She LOVES them. She would read them all day long, I think they were her family in a sense. She made me want to read. I saw how much she loved them and how much she took away from them. She made me want to explore the world, explore things beyond my backyard.

I never saw my grandma cry.

Why aren't I crying now? Is it a missing gene? Why can I cry over some stupid relationship that didn't work out, but when it comes to death in the family I am like stone? Why do I feel like I'm outside looking in?

My grandma loves chocolate covered cherries and those dry cookies that come in a tin.

My grandma asked me a few years ago, "Do you have a special friend?" She knew I was gay and cared enough to ask me if I had someone special in my life. I didn't. I told her so, and I could see sadness in her eyes. I reminded her that she didn't have a boyfriend either, she laughed and said that she had enough romance in her life. Can you ever have enough romance in your life?

What if I'm 90 and die alone on my kitchen floor?

Finally, some tears.