HELLO WORLD

Last night before sleeping I did a great meditation and BAM! Hello, World, I'm back. Sorry I've been away for a bit, but not anymore.

T

Sleep

Right after I posted that last entry, I slept. Maybe I just needed to get something out of my head.

T

I haven't been sleeping. I wouldn't call myself an insomniac, at least not yet. I can't seem to be able to turn my brain off these last days and it is driving me nuts. I keep trying all the tricks I know of. I've been trying breathing exercises, and i just can't seem to find sleep.

I need to get out of New York City for a bit. I need to just be alone for a while and away these streets and these lights. I need some silence and to still be outside, I need to get away from these people.

So I am.

On a whim, I bought a plane ticket to FL, reserved a car, and from July 18-22nd, I'll be following the Smashing Pumpkins around FL. I'm going to visit a friend of mine in Orlando for a night or two and then venture out on my own. I just need to run for a while, sleep in crappy motels and blast music while I drive down the road with the wind in my face.

July 18th couldn't come fast enough.

I can't sleep, my eyes are dry and my face feels tired. I have class tonight and a shoot tomorrow morning. Maybe tonight I can sleep, but right now it doesn't seem to matter what I try. Maybe after a good workout my brain will shut itself off.

Afraid of Anger

In my first year of acting class we would do freedom rifting. Basically we would stand and stare at each other and then say whatever came up. When ever someone would say they didn't like something about me, get angry, or look unhappy I would drift into this mode of saying, "I'm sorry". It came down to my teacher telling me that I was no longer allowed to apologize. He would ask me what I was apologizing for, why was it my responsibility to try and keep everything below the boiling point? For a long time it was very difficult for me to just say, "so what?" and leave it at that.

It took months before I was able to tell someone to even fuck off, or that I didn't care if they were angry. It took months following that for me to be able to even say that I was mad. I still find myself doing the same thing. I'm so quick to tell people that I'm not mad, but I am. I'm fucking pissed sometimes, and what's the problem with that? Why do I feel like it's okay for everything else ot get pissed off except for me? What happens if I express my own anger that I'm so afraid of?

As of now, tonight, I'm no longer going to sit back and try to keep the top from flying up. If I'm pissed I'm going to tell you, I'm going to express it, and I don't care if you like it or not. I'm so in touch with my "happy" feeling, it's time that I got just an comfortable with my "angry" ones as well.

A Beautiful Song Reborn in My Memory

These are the lyrics to a song by the Smashing Pumpkins that I just found, again. With their huge collection of music, sometime they get forgotten.

Would (If You Wait)
-Smashing Pumpkins

wound opens
reveal a broken man
soon notions
blood on his hands
stop, stop, pop tart
taste of your demands

if you wait, i will wait
if you taste, i will taste
if you run, i will run
if you love, i will love
to my last prayer

tomb opens
reveal a stack of gold
cool poison
the taste of growing old
sit down, downtown
in your tower of steel

if you wait, i will wait
taste, i will taste
if you run, i will run
love, i will love
to my last prayer
my last prayer
to my last prayer

wound opens
reveal a broken man
soon notions
blood on his hands

if you wait, i will wait
taste, i will taste
if you run, i will run
love, i will love
to my last prayer

if you wait
if you wait
if you wait
if you wait

Am I Fucking Insane?

It's been a long running joke between my friends and I that we are all crazy. I think that's why the philanthropy girl and I get along so well. We are both these "tortured artists" and shit is just so deep it hurts. Sometimes when we hang out it really is just too much, but we love every moment of it. If someone didn't know us and was to follow us around, I can only imagine what they might think. Maybe that's why we started shooting a reality show and then lost it, for being too real. People don't really want to hear about the crap that goes on.

This week I've started taking my first real writing class. It is based around personal essays and what you need to sell them. It teaches you how to target it at a publication and how you need to alter it to make it more understandable. All I know is that I love to write, and that is probably at least half the battle.

The other night over dinner someone asked me what I wanted to write about. "What do you mean?" He asked me if I wanted to write editorials or what else there is. LOL. I replied with, "No, I want to write about myself." And It's true. I want to write about me. Not because I feel like I'm more interesting then anything else, but because I want to figure myself out. Who doesn't? I think that I probably think about figuring myself out more then the average person, but who wants to be average anyways?

It is weird to write on here and feel like I get to free so much of myself and then to take a story and try to give it structure with meaning and points. To try and make things more funny, beautiful, and sad. And anything that you say can be taken so many different ways, so you try your best to be as direct as possible.

I've only written one piece for my class so far, and it is so much harder then I thought it would be to accurately tell my story. Just when I think I can put a gold star on top of the page I find that there are unanswered questions and that "I" am making my way sound one way when I meant another. It's hard to put how you see yourself down on paper. Only in writing this story do I question my sanity. In my story I was aiming for quirky and instead I read "insane". I became defensive when really, maybe I am just a bit insane? I'd rather be insane then boring though, boring I am not.

Where am "I" in all this?

With this writing class that I am taking we are asked to really dive into ourselves and talk about our feelings, where they come from and then set up a structure for telling a story. As much I share my feelings, I still cap myself at points and cover a lot of my feelings up with laughter.

How far am I willing to dive in? How much am I really able to share when I so frequently try to place blame on others for how I feel. Well, he broke my heart, he said one thing and did another, he this, and he that. Where are all the I's? Where was I when all of the signs were clearly in front of my face and blaring? Where was I when I chose what I wanted to hear and what I wanted to see? I hate to think that maybe sometimes, "I" am the problem and I create my own destiny.

I'm curious to find out why it is that when someone has issues and problems, why am I drawn to them so desperately? Why is that when someone who has their shit together I don't want anything to do with him? Eventually I hope that these few questions will be answered and hopefully the outcomes changed.

Do I only hear and see what I want to? Sometimes I question myself and then I remember moments so vividly that tell me that "No, it's not just you seeing what you want to." I can control my future to a certain degree, but not fully and not all the time. I'd like to find that calm balance, learn how to embrace myself in it.

Where am I in all this? Why does it sometimes just feel like things are all happening around me but not really to me, and then suddenly everything is happening to me and only me?

Bent For You

I had forgotten all about this song until it popped up on the iPod yesterday. It's funny how many times I've heard this song in the past and found it relevant.

Bent For You
-Alanis Morissette


you're unsure and you're not ready so that must mean I want you
you're unavailable and disinterested and to you I look for comfort

a million times in a million ways I will try to change you
a million months and a million days I'll try to somehow convince you

I have waited for you and adjusted for you and I'm done
I have deferred to you and enabled you and I'm done

you're too young or you're too old or you're simply not inclined
you're asleep or you're withholding be that my cue to crave you

several times in several ways I'll try to squeeze love from you
several hours and several ways I'll feast on scraps thrown from you

I have bent for you and I've deprived for you and I'm done
I have depressed for you and contorted for you and I'm done
I have stifled for you and I've compromised for you and I'm done
I have silenced for you and sacrificed for you and I'm done

it won't be long before I am reclaimed
it won't take long and I'll be on path again
it won't be easy for us to disengage
I'm at the end of self deprivation stage

you're afraid of every woman afraid of your inner workings
you cringe at the thought of living under the same roof as me god and everything

a million times and a million ways I've tried to alter to match you
several times every several days I've tried to uncrush on you

A Happy Thing About Sad Music

Would You Like to Stick It In?


I've always been someone that related with music more so then even the people around me in my life. I think it would be awesome if everyone had a headphone jack on their body, you could walk up and just plug in and listen to who they are. I wonder at times what song would be blaring from my bones. If people could really just plug into me I'm pretty most of the world would think I am crazy, all over the place, bi-polar, and maybe even beautiful.

I've found that there really is a song for every emotion that runs through your body. There is always some melody to drive you deeper and further into anything you are feeling. Time after time in acting classes I've used just a few strings to bring me to tears, make me jump up and down, make me laugh, and everything in between.

The wonderful thing about sad music is that it makes you feel like you aren't the only one in the world that has gone through something. It's not the same as misery loves company but more simply knowing that someone else has been there. It gives you hope that things will get better, it makes you feel less alone. It's awesome when a singer or song writer has a sad song followed by a happy song, it's the light at the end of the tunnel. If there was no pain, then how would you recognize happiness? And vice versa.

With my iPod being on random over the last week or so I've been reintroduced to songs that I've long forgotten and that bring so many moments back to me. My first inclination was to post the sad song that interrupted my gym work out today, but fuck it, I don't feel like being sad right now. So here is a happy kind of fun one that I burned onto a CD for one of my sisters over the weekend. Enjoy!



Thursday night,
everything's fine,
Except you've got that look in your eyes,
when I'm telling a story
And you find it boring you're thinking of something to say.
You'll go along with and then drop it
And you humiliate me, in front of our friends.

Then I'll use that voice what you find annoyin'
And say something like
"intelligent input darlin' why don't you just have another beer then?"

Then you call me a bitch and everyone we're with will be embarrassed,
and I won't give a shit.

My fingertips are holding onto the
cracks in our foundations,
and I know that I should let go,
but I can't.
And everytime we fight I know it's not right,
everytime that you're upset and I smile
I know I should forget, but I can't.

You said I must eat so many lemons,
'cause I am so bitter.
I said "I'd rather be with your friends mate,
'cause they are much fitter"

Yes it was childish
and you got aggressive
and I must admit that I was a bit scared,
but it gives me thrills to wind you up.

Your face is pasty,
'cause you've gone and got so wasted,
what a surprise,
don't want to look at your face,
'cause it's making me sick.

You've gone and got sick on my trainers,
I only got these yesterday.
Oh my gosh, I cannot be bothered with this.

Well I'll leave you there till the mornin',
and I purposely won't turn the heating on
and dear God, I hope I'm not stuck with this one.

And every time we fight I know it's not right,
every time that you're upset and I smile.
I know I should forget, but I can't.

Ramblings

It's been a really long time since I've posted any sort of lyrical ramblings. With recent things that have been happening in my life it was this morning on my walk home that I had this flow of words come out of myself. I like the term "rambling", so maybe that's a perfect title for this.

Ramblings

Talking to you is emotional masterbation
Everything that comes out of your mouth I find beautiful
Even when you say how you never want to fall in love again
And how that includes with me.

If we weren't both so tortured
And really only by ourselves
Makes me wonder
Would we really conect so well?

I told you I missed you
You didn't say you missed me back
You said you had to find happiness in being alone
That way it wasn't dependent on anyone else and no one could take it from you.

I knew exactly what you meant.

I want to find that light in me as well.

Of course we had sex
You can't have a conversation like that and not feel like you want to be one for a bit,
Atleast that's how the moment happened to me.

I wonder what moments have existed to you that live in me so vividly?

It wasn't until you didn't want me to hold you after that I truely knew none of this had to do with me.