Adult Play Time

"We like to watch you laughing" -MGMT 'kids'

I wish that every morning I would wake up with as much enthusiasm and excitement as I am today. I slept so badly last night just because I couldn't wait for today to get here. Now it is here and I'm writing because it's nice to write when I'm happy sometimes too and not being overly introspective.

I have a large scale audition this afternoon and I am totally excited for it. I'm slightly nervous but not like I used to get. I think that I'm actually starting to trust myself more and my choices. I'd starting to actual live when I act and not allow it to feel forced or fake. Maybe I just needed a little time for all my training to drop in and solidify. Along with that, I feel a ton more confident then I even did 6 months ago with everything in my life.

I have heart, I have courage, I have a brain, and there is no place like home. :-)

Love,
The Corny Man of Oz

Resistance

I am sometimes amazed by my resistance to let go of certain memories. The few simple notes of even one song can bring back smells, sights, feelings, and complete stories. I attach a song to everyone that has ever been in my life. Everyone has a chorus, a break, a beginning, middle and for many an end. This attachment of songs to human relationships leads me to wonder what part of these relationships are part of actuality, part in my head, and part coming from a song? Do the songs I attach to people simply become things that I wish had existed, but stories that never did?

I like that I attach songs to people, it's so easy to take myself back to the history and to write from it. It is easy for me to get emotional and remember every thought that was in my head at the time. I only attach songs to people though, never situations. Today I was writing about the first time I slept with someone that I didn't care about. I remember specifically that I slept with the person because I wanted to know what it felt like to sleep with someone that I didn't care about. I had only slept with three people for that and I had been dating those three people. I had thought that I was in love, and I wanted to know what sex, just sex felt like. So I did, I slept with someone for the first time just because I could, because I had no reason not to. I remember how disappointed I was after, not disappointed because it had been bad, but disappointed because it didn't feel that different at all. I had expected that perhaps I would hate it, feel raped, be mad at myself, or even sad, but I wasn't. I can remember every thought in my head, but i can't remember what song I had been listening to that day.

Oddly enough, I remember that time I had sex with more detail then i do even the first time I had actual sex.

Health Food

Everyday I have the best of intentions when it comes to writing. Unfortunately not everyday am I able to come to a blank anything and throw myself out onto it. This is frustrating beyond belief. In my mind I expect myself to begin at one sitting and get up with a finished product. I expect my first try to be my only try. This, of course, only blocks me. I am afraid to make a mistake, there for I cut myself off from the beginning. I end up decapitating myself before I've even gotten a word in at all.


This week I reconnected with a friend that I really haven't spoken to in a while. He has a tendency to come and go in my life. He comes around and then he disappears with no contact, no response, nothing. Then suddenly, as if out of nowhere he appears again. I always know what the story is though. He goes on meth binges. He was the first friend I had in New York outside of school and I still consider him to be one of my best friends. I have this fear in the back of my mind that one of these times when I don't hear back from him, that I am never going to again.

Not Every Sex Story is Not Going to be Fun

For the last week I've been working hard at putting together my book of dating and sex stories. I cringe when people assume it is anything like Sex and the City. It is not. This has been a goal of mine for some time and I've slowly been working at it. Only recently has it become a real true vision in my head and something I see as tangible.

For the most part it has been very fun for me, very informative, even for myself. It's interesting to see how I actually work in situations and how they turn out. It's interesting for me to actually admit that I am a little crazy. I am totally delusional about certain people in my past, present and probably future. I don't see this as weakness, I just see it. I like to assume that I am as real to certain people as they have been to me. I am not. I have a strong tendency to ignore things about people that I don't like and make up things that I want to believe. I always think that I can stare into someone's eyes and know their life story. This isn't true. But I am convinced that I can feel someone else's skin through their eyes.

Today I wrote about a story that actually tugs at my heart. I found myself confessing to a love that I hid from even myself. I found myself exploring the thought process of what goes through my head when I kiss someone I care about. I picture the future in detail, things I can't possibly know. I live in a fairy tale in my head.

I have to stop sleeping with people that are in relationships.

To the Blank Page

One of my friends and I recently had a conversation about coming to a blank page and feeling as though you have to be in a certain mood to write. I know that this isn't necessarily true, but partially for sure. I think that is depends on what you want to write about. I don't think that in any mood what so ever I could sit down and write about whatever I wanted to. As in at this moment, I'd like to continue and write on the project that I have been, but I can't seem to find the words within myself. The blank document in my Word programs stares at me and haunts me for moments and I can't seen to attack it. To shut my computer is to say that the document won. To go to the gym, eat more, watch tv, and etc, all point to the same fact of walking away.

Today I refuse to let this blank page stare me down and win. I refuse to be over thrown by a document without a name and it will have a name, as soon as I give it one.

Basket Case

This song has been on repeat on my iPhone for a while. I think it actually describes me pretty well.

Basket Case by Green Day

Do you have the time
To listen to me whine
About nothing and everything
All at once
I am one of those
Melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone
No doubt about it

Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid?
Am I just stoned?

I went to a shrink
To analyze my dreams
She says it's lack of sex
That's bringing me down
I went to a whore
He said my life's a bore
So quit my whining cause
It's bringing her down

Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid?
Uh, yuh, yuh, ya

Grasping to control
So I better hold on

Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid?
Am I just stoned?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUTGr5t3MoY

Memories

As I jump further and further into my past to bring it into the future, I notice there is more and more there then I had ever expected.

I'm finding myself tearing up at the thought of a beautiful boys eyes looking at me. I find myself searching for memories that are sometimes so unclear that I'm not sure if they ever really existed or if just the haze of the idea of them existing at all.

I am constantly surprised by the emotional sparks that I find in myself with memories that I was sure had been put in my past.

Sometimes painful, but even in that I find this beautiful release that makes it all worth it.

3 Days of Falling

"Today is the greatest day I've ever known" -Smashing Pumpkins

I'm sure that I have quoted that song a million times on this blog. If not, then I have thought of it at least a million times. Not too long ago I saw an interview will Bill Corgan and he spoke about how when he wrote "today" he was living in a storage unit and he wrote it as a joke. It was the most depressing time of his life and the song was supposed to be ironic in sorts.

Today I am more grateful for my friends then I think I have been in a very long time. Sometimes I take them granted, and sometimes I don't give them the attention and care that they need and deserve. At times I also don't give myself the attention and care that I need. Life has been coasting by lately and I haven't really been taking the time to smell the roses and really immerse myself in the world.

Recently I've been emotionally detached and uncomfortable in my own skin.

I easily emotionally detach myself from things so that they are easier to deal with. Lately I have been lonely. I've been having sex, but not the kind that really counts. The kind where you actually want the person to stay the night. The kind where you love to cuddle and wish the morning would never come. It's been a long time since I've felt that way about another person. I don't want a relationship just to have one, in fact, I am totally fine being single. I love being single. But, lately its been snowing in NYC, doesn't romance always seem a little more necessary when it snows? Doesn't it require some sort of organic love energy?

In my new apartment I live on the 28th floor, just outside of Time Square. Two of my wall in my bedroom are all windows, floor to ceiling. I have a breath taking view of Manhattan. Yesterday I woke up and the sky was so filled with snow that I could hardly see the streets below. The people walking with their umbrellas were basically invisible. Flakes of snow fell with the speed of light and crashed to the streets. Huge flakes, so large that I could almost make out the formation of the snow from where my head rested on my pillow. It's moments like that where I wonder if the snow would be more beautiful if someone were laying next to me. It's moments like that where I smile to myself. Although I love the idea of someone watching the sky with me, I am content with myself watching the sky. It's moment like this where I know that my sky is limitless and that this moment just now, this moment, it's just the beginning. And the next moment can be whatever I want it to be.

I can be whatever I want to be.

Spinning

I've had so much spinning around in my head recently, it feels like a whirlwind of life flying before me. I don't mind. In fact, I'd rather be too busy then not busy at all. I'm definitely someone that likes to have a lot of projects going on at the same time. The trick though I've found, is actually finishing them. I have a tendency to get things half done and then move onto the next. This is going to stop now.

I have been working on writing a bunch of short stories recently in hopes of having them published in the near future. They are coming along pretty well, and I'm actually really excited to be working on them. It's semi crazy to think that one day someone might actually read the stories about me and know more then perhaps I even want them to. But, if you aren't open and free, how can anyone relate with you at all? I feel that the most influential people in media are the ones that you can relate with and feel some common ground. I wish we could all be more open and exposed. The world would by far be more interesting. What would happen if we all decided to share our stories and experiences?

At moments in writing I find myself thinking about what my family, friends, co-workers, and people I don't even know might say or think. Those are moments where I close my eyes, and type faster, typing for myself, because that is actually who I am writing for. I'm writing because I have to get it out of my head, I have to get it out of my body and at the moment it seems that if I don't, I might burst. I feel as though sometimes I have to constantly be sharing and releasing or I go crazy in my head.

I'd rather have my head working too much instead of not working at all.

Spinning, my head is spinning. I'm trying to keep in under control, but I love the feeling of losing control. So spin away.

Hmmmm

Some things are just not worth it.

And so life goes on.