Resistance

I am sometimes amazed by my resistance to let go of certain memories. The few simple notes of even one song can bring back smells, sights, feelings, and complete stories. I attach a song to everyone that has ever been in my life. Everyone has a chorus, a break, a beginning, middle and for many an end. This attachment of songs to human relationships leads me to wonder what part of these relationships are part of actuality, part in my head, and part coming from a song? Do the songs I attach to people simply become things that I wish had existed, but stories that never did?

I like that I attach songs to people, it's so easy to take myself back to the history and to write from it. It is easy for me to get emotional and remember every thought that was in my head at the time. I only attach songs to people though, never situations. Today I was writing about the first time I slept with someone that I didn't care about. I remember specifically that I slept with the person because I wanted to know what it felt like to sleep with someone that I didn't care about. I had only slept with three people for that and I had been dating those three people. I had thought that I was in love, and I wanted to know what sex, just sex felt like. So I did, I slept with someone for the first time just because I could, because I had no reason not to. I remember how disappointed I was after, not disappointed because it had been bad, but disappointed because it didn't feel that different at all. I had expected that perhaps I would hate it, feel raped, be mad at myself, or even sad, but I wasn't. I can remember every thought in my head, but i can't remember what song I had been listening to that day.

Oddly enough, I remember that time I had sex with more detail then i do even the first time I had actual sex.