Mommy Says

That anger I've been looking for, I think I just found it.

I think who you are now, that's who you're going to be when you are 80. I still need to grow.


And I know, I'm the most judgmental person you've ever known.

I'm the most a lot of things that you've ever known.

I think my anger dwells from this irrational need to save. I always want to save people. Help them. "Help". "Help" as I see it. Mommy says, "You need help". Maybe I just need to accept people for who they are? Maybe I should just settle and be ok with what I have? Maybe I should stop wanting more?

I hate this feeling in my stomach, this pit. I want to fill it with something, nothing hits the spot.

"Sometimes you bore me so much I want to run screaming down a highway, naked, jabbing myself with hot needles, just to prove to myself that I am indeed alive, that I haven't drifted into some catatonic state resembling death but without its rewards"
-Alan Ball 'the M word'

The Return

It's the return of Emo Thomas. Hold tight folks, this could get bumpy, this could get a little messy, this could be nothing at all.

Why did I drop the pen for so long? It feels like home; maybe that's where I was running from?

Glass Vase Cello Case by Tattle Tale



Breathe into my hands I'll cup them like a glass to drink from


Are you still, still breathin'

Are you still

Breathin'

Are you still, still breathin'

Are you still

Breathin'


Breathe into my hands I'll cup them like a glass to drink from

Gaze (not gays).

Slowly, with ease and precision, "it" turned and starred me down. I could feel the bristles deep gaze on me, through the wall. Through the kitchen fridge, and through my skull. "It" had many questions, and I could offer very few answers. So few answers that I decided not to reply to any of the asked.

The toothbrush wanted to know why it wasn't being used. It had been 8 months since the toothbrush had gone more then 36 hours without being used. The toothbrush had seen the one next to "it" being used more often then 3 times a day, sometimes an OCD amount of times, but "it" still stood... untouched. Waiting.

Although I did not excel in grammar in primary school, middle school, or high school, I know that "Waiting" is not a complete sentence. In my defense, sometimes don't you feel as though that's where you are, who you are, and what you are?

Waiting.

100th Post - My Neighbors Shitty Music - Break-Up

I just logged into my account to find that I have posted 100 times, including this one.

My neighbor is constantly blasting techno music on the weekend, cramming far too many people in her apartment and basically making me laugh. Laugh because I can think of nothing else to call her but "Jersey". Granted, I have never met her, but I can only assume that she is the first of her friends to have their own place in the city and there for everyone has a free-for-all crash there. Or passes out just outside of her door (yes, this really happens). At this moment she is blasting Dave Matthews Band. For the first time, I don't hate her music.

Today was the first day in a while that I walked around the city without my iPod blaring in my ears, I decided that for a small amount of time I would allow the world to play. It's far too easy to walk around these streets and simply block everything and everyone out. I was standing on the subway platform waiting for the train to carry me back up to Hell's Kitchen from my audition downtown. I couldn't decide on a song, so I decided on none. Truth being, I couldn't decide on an emotion, and therefore I couldn't decide on a song to match it.

It is only Thursday and this has been a very confusing week... I'm mentally exhausted... mentally rundown... mentally obliterated. I'm dealing with a break-up, and it may be perhaps the most healthy break-up I've ever had. We aren't mad at each other, we aren't angry and hating each other, there was no yelling, screaming, or belittling. I'm used to a fight, so I was shocked to find myself upset but at peace. I had no idea sometimes they went hand in hand.

I didn't feel as though something in my relationship was clicking, I felt as though I kept waiting for something to happen, something to change, some sort of wild emotion to flow out of me. I didn't take into consideration that it was possible that I were blocking myself from having an emotion when I've felt them so easily in the past. Now, now I don't know.

My apartment is drenched in gifts, photos, paintings, and memories. It is the first and only relationship I've had yet in this apartment and part of me feels as though it isn't just "my" apartment.

The saddest thing in my life right now is a toothbrush. I'm just not strong enough to throw it away. I'm paying 1,400 dollars a month for a small apartment that I don't even have the emotional right to anymore, because of a fucking toothbrush? The other day I smelled this toothbrush, it doesn't smell like the person, it smells like crest. I hate crest. Knowing that said toothbrush is only a few feet away from me makes my gut retch and tears fall from my eyes.

It's just a fucking toothbrush.

Reasons for Pages

It wasn't until I hit page 4 of numbered reasons "why I hate my 4th grade teacher" did it dawn on me that maybe there is a full story there. I'm not ALWAYS the quickest.

Meg and Dia "Indiana"

Not sure why this song pops up in my head. But randomly on my play list and now on here.

Meg and Dia - Indiana

I can do whatever I want like you
I can do whatever I want like you
I can do whatever I want like you
Like You

She began to die
Indiana that's not right
Indiana that's not right
She began to fight
Indiana make it mine
Indiana make it mine

So pale and white
So inclined to do what 's right
Colonel sir, I feel lonely tonight
She's strong but an obedient wife

I can do whatever I want like you
I can do whatever I want like you
I can do whatever I want like you
Like You

She began to die
Indiana that's not right
Indiana that's not right
She began to fight
Indiana make it mine
Indiana make it mine

Such honest eyes
No time to run and ride
Colonel sir I feel lonely tonight
She's strong but her mind is losing light

I can do whatever I want like you
I can do whatever I want like you
I can do whatever I want like you
Like You

She began to die
Indiana that's not right
Indiana that's not right
She began to fight
Indiana make it mine
Indiana make it mine

I know, I know
She's alone
I know, I know
She's alone
Alone

She began to die
(I can do whatever I want like you)
That's not right you know
(I can do whatever I want oh no)
Indiana that's not right
(I can do whatever I want like you)
She began to fight
(I can do whatever I want like you)
Indiana make it mine
Indiana make it mine

It Might Rain

It looks like it might rain today. I'm always tempted to run in the rain as it falls. Maybe I'll go lay in the park under it... Everyone always carries umbrellas... what's so bad about the rain?

Dear Rain,
I love you.

Your dry friend,
Thomas

Thomas...

Thomas would like to know...

Why am i still looking at things that don't involve me and wondering if maybe they did...
Maybe if I see a picture or a "thing" and wonder if maybe I was in the background, maybe if the person thought of me once, them maybe... just maybe... i would exist... to that person.

Why did I think that you were only looking at me... because you were, but not how I thought you were. I thought you stared at me and didn't see anyone else... now I know that you stared at me.. but just the same as you saw everyone else. It's always more magical to think that you are something special... sometimes you just aren't.

Why no one ever hears him... I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear, but maybe what's more important is what you actually need to hear?

Why you never called back...

Why he decided that it was a good idea to reveal all...

Why his mother went a little crazy and never seemed to connect again. She says it was alcohol, but she never drank... she says everyone else is crazy... but she's just the same... sometimes I wonder who I'm really calling for...

Why it's so hard to get out of bed sometimes, why is 9 hours just not long enough to rest the head...

When will Final Fantasy 13 actually come out... it is time for another distraction.... sometime else to keep his minds eye blind for a bit.

Thomas would like to know why it's so hard to say "I Love you" and mean it. I can see his imprint on the couch.. and I love it... I can feel his face near mine.. and I love it... I can feel him holding me... and I love it... I can feel him being silly and laughing.... and I love it.... and I still sit here afraid... afraid... afraid.... that I might like it???

Thomas would like to know... everything... when things get easier, when they fall off... when they are settle, when enough is enough.....

Thomas would like to know, but he'd rather not ask.... when will I die? will i look back and say it were a happy death?

Recently on the Same Team

I'm always so great at giving people advice, at telling them exactly how I see it. I wish I were able to step outside myself and look inward to see my own situations objectively.

Someone I love greatly is dating someone that I don't necessarily think is on the same plane as her. She is a very strong individual and has great energy around herself. Her life is frantic, and she still floats above it and I think finds ways to laugh. But I also see her weaknesses and how she needs someone to back her up, hold her, be on her team and in the same game. I think she can stand fine on her own, but who doesn't want a relationship filled with support and filled with the ideal of finding happiness for yourself as great as happiness for the other person? I realize this isn't the 70's, but doesn't it kind of just fall into the same category as respect for eachother? I'm afraid that she will fall into the same trap that her parents did, and eventually find herself at a crossroads and look back thinking she maybe should have not held on so close. I pray I am wrong, because above all else I want her happiness. I think I've said most of these things to her, mainly that I just don't think he is "right" for her.

Why does it feel as though if someone isn't "right", then someone has to be "wrong"?

I used to believe that life was about finding one person and sticking with that person forever, and ever. Then for a while I thought maybe life is just about continuous random meetings and that maybe things don't have to last forever. Now.. now I just don't know what I believe anymore. I still have my head wrapped around this fairy tale idea, but maybe that's why it's called a fairy tale and not a reality idea. Is it possible that relationships are never even close to "perfect" and that you really do have to work a lot at them? Is love about a commitment, a choice, an emotion, or a settling? How do you know which is which?

I wish I could step outside myself and look at my life. Perhaps I could see myself as blocks and just move them around a bit, maybe I could make the picture make a small amount of sense more. Maybe I could stop myself from getting so angry so quick, from allowing myself to have my emotions determined by someone else. Part of me thinks that given the chance I'd just erase everyone and everything from my life and start over. Start over fresh and with no apologizes, no regrets, no fear. Above all else, no fear.

If I knew what the "right" move was, I'd make it. If I knew what the outcome of everything was going to be, I'm sleep better.

Sometimes I just want to pack up and leave New York City, no idea where I'd go. At least some place where I could walk down the street and not know anyone. But if you can't do that in New York City, where can you?

Under Construction

I've been meaning to update, to write, and I haven't. I was going to put up an UNDER CONSTRUCTION sign, but then it hit me. It's not the site that's "under construction", it's me.

I can write about tears, heart break, what if feels like to be alone, want love, anger, and hardship. Basically anything that might be hard for most people to express or feel comfortable saying out loud. I'm not normal in this sense. I'm very in touch with my emotional triggers that cause fear, pain, anguish, sadness. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO WRITE ABOUT BEING HAPPY. I don't how to put into words how great it feels to just be happy and content. What it feels like to be able to sleep at night and not worry about tomorrow. I have trouble finding words for what it feels like when someone else beings a smile to your face; what it feels like to feel cared for and taken care of. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO WRITE ABOUT BEING HAPPY. So I've hit a wall, I've connected to parts of myself that I've not yet really experienced and I'm still learning how to transfer them and express them...

I don't write about butterflies
but sometimes I see them
I don't write about silence in the morning
and how I love to sit in it
I don't write about the warmth and comfort of being held
but I love it
I don't write about how I laughingly force people to watch MY favorite shows
even when I know they hate them
I don't write about rainbows and kittens
but I do wish I had a cat
and rainbows really wouldn't match my apartment
I don't write about being happy
because I don't know how.

For now it's not just me and my ganja.