I'm not sure how the time line of my life flows. I see images as if I'm watching a scene in front of my face where a strobe-light flashes only allowing me to see portions at a time. Each image is a memory, a story, but I'm not sure how they flow together or in what order they run. From the ages of 5 and 15 everything seems like a streak of color. A blur. I know there are events, but I might as well simply write them on pieces of paper and tack them to a line with my eyes close. Whatever order they happened to line up in may as well be the truth.
I've been trying to write about my childhood and my parents divorce. I simply see images and hear noises in my head. I remember a line of dialogue or I see a toy I once had and hear something in the distance. At times it feels like I'm wondering down a dark hallway and desperately trying to find a light switch. Every now and then when I was growing up we would lose electricity in the house. Instantly everything would go black and silent. I used to be terrified of silence and now I embrace it openly. Whenever the power would go out I'd be instantly dropped into a pool of anxiety, fear, I'd freeze and instantly start crying. When the lights would come back I'd run around the house as if a murder had been committed and I had to find the culprit. Even as a child I felt like I could easily be in control of everything, I was directing the flow of the world and any mishap on my watch was my fault.
After my parents divorce I stopped playing because I was afraid that any time I left a room things would happen that I couldn't control. I hated leaving my sisters in the same room as my mom without me because I knew how angry they were. I hated to be in the car because I had this irrational fear that someone was going to get angry, grab the wheel and plow the car off the road into the deep ditches that lined the roads around our house.
At a young age I learned to live with this feeling of constant anxiety. There was a period a few years ago where I basically stopped eating because sitting at a table brought back too many arguments in my head. Even eating now at times makes me sick.
The only guidance I can remember getting growing was "give it to God". As if any problem in the world could simply be prayed about and all would be taken care of. I wonder why God never took my anxiety or let me know everything was going to be ok. It's funny, everything really does end up being ok.
Sometimes I still feel like the child standing in the dark waiting for the lights to come on. Most of the time now I'm able to find the switch though and nothing makes the lights come back on like silence.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
"Because I Can't Not"
In this week I have been told that my writing is narcissistic and by another told that I write with my heart on my sleeve. I am both, locked in my head and constantly thinking along with being very open and I do wear my heart on my sleeve. Until recently I would have never admitted that I do such a thing, but I'm not sure why. What in my head tells me that doing so is a negative thing. Why do I choose to have such a rough exterior. Simply put, one could say that I am willing, but scared, only willing to a point.
In a recent conversation with a friend over mexican food, I was asked by to say "You have a great relationship, why can't I, why can't I find someone too?" Granted, there are circumstances that surround this conversation that I'm unable to really talk about at this time, but I didn't want to say it. I did end up saying it, bluntly, emotionless, lifeless. My fear was that someone would see this and think that I am weak, unable to take care of myself, needy. Why am I afraid to admit that I would actually like to be in a relationship? What is it that clicks in my head and makes me equate a want of someone else in my life to share things with and weakness? I don't feel as though I NEED someone, but what if I did? Would that also make me weak?
In relationships, I like the quiet moments, I like cuddling. I enjoy moments where things don't need to be said. I enjoy saturday nights watching horror movies, eating popcorn and I love to eat at Dallas BBQ. One day I would like a house with a white picket fence, children, a backyard with a tree house and family dinners. I hate to admit it because I feel as though I could have anything in the world that I want, but I actually want the "American Dream", or rather, my dream.
In a recent conversation with a friend over mexican food, I was asked by to say "You have a great relationship, why can't I, why can't I find someone too?" Granted, there are circumstances that surround this conversation that I'm unable to really talk about at this time, but I didn't want to say it. I did end up saying it, bluntly, emotionless, lifeless. My fear was that someone would see this and think that I am weak, unable to take care of myself, needy. Why am I afraid to admit that I would actually like to be in a relationship? What is it that clicks in my head and makes me equate a want of someone else in my life to share things with and weakness? I don't feel as though I NEED someone, but what if I did? Would that also make me weak?
In relationships, I like the quiet moments, I like cuddling. I enjoy moments where things don't need to be said. I enjoy saturday nights watching horror movies, eating popcorn and I love to eat at Dallas BBQ. One day I would like a house with a white picket fence, children, a backyard with a tree house and family dinners. I hate to admit it because I feel as though I could have anything in the world that I want, but I actually want the "American Dream", or rather, my dream.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Central Park
Over the past 7 years in NYC I've visited Central Park for many different reasons and I've done a million different things there.
I've smoked pot and ate sushi on the rocks, read the Harry Potter series, drank beer while catching up with an old friend, had picnics, and even taken a paddle boat ride on a first date. I've never played frisbee in the park, although I'd like to. I filmed one of my first student films in the park by the Alice in Wonderland statue, and a boy told me that he loves me in Shakespeare's castle.
When I was a child we visited NYC and one of the places we went to see was Shakespeare's castle, I remember vividly looking out at the roof tops and seeing the city. I remember thinking that one day I would live there, one day I'd be able to come to the castle. I pictured myself just sitting and thinking. I sit and think a lot.
Last fall I went to the park with my friends to watch The Wizard of Oz, we stuffed out faces and ended up sitting on the ground outside of the arena because we showed up to late to get in. We should have brought wine, but we didn't.
My friend T and I went to the park one night in the early morning, 3am. We sat on a hill and smoked a coupled joints, we talked about nothing and everything. It's a memory that has almost no point, but I cherish it and that time spent with him.
When I actually stand back from my head and think about the park, there are a million memories, but it seems that every time I enter the park I am most simply drawn back to an experience a couple years ago in which I went on a date in the park. We walked and talked for what felt like hours and still like no time at all. I think it was in that walk that I started to truly fall for him. I remember fondly a moment in which he stopped, stepped in my path and just pulled me in for a kiss. It was like the world went silent for seconds.. I stepped back and smiled, looked at my feet and then continued to walk. He took my hand and we walked for a long time through spinning stones.
I hate that the first thought I have of the park is this memory. I want it to fade and I want to not feel saddened when I enter the park. I sometimes love and sometimes hate how much my mind holds onto things. It is as though I am in control of myself, but only to a point. Maybe it is the fact that I hold onto such memories that makes me who I am?
I do sit and think a lot, I am always thinking. People ask me a lot why I don't smile more, and it isn't that I'm sad, it is that I'm thinking. The next time you are really deep in thought, think about the expression on your face. I've thought about responding to these people that I don't even know who ask, give them the truth, they'd probably get more then they bargained for. And that moment, it might make me smile. :-)
I've smoked pot and ate sushi on the rocks, read the Harry Potter series, drank beer while catching up with an old friend, had picnics, and even taken a paddle boat ride on a first date. I've never played frisbee in the park, although I'd like to. I filmed one of my first student films in the park by the Alice in Wonderland statue, and a boy told me that he loves me in Shakespeare's castle.
When I was a child we visited NYC and one of the places we went to see was Shakespeare's castle, I remember vividly looking out at the roof tops and seeing the city. I remember thinking that one day I would live there, one day I'd be able to come to the castle. I pictured myself just sitting and thinking. I sit and think a lot.
Last fall I went to the park with my friends to watch The Wizard of Oz, we stuffed out faces and ended up sitting on the ground outside of the arena because we showed up to late to get in. We should have brought wine, but we didn't.
My friend T and I went to the park one night in the early morning, 3am. We sat on a hill and smoked a coupled joints, we talked about nothing and everything. It's a memory that has almost no point, but I cherish it and that time spent with him.
When I actually stand back from my head and think about the park, there are a million memories, but it seems that every time I enter the park I am most simply drawn back to an experience a couple years ago in which I went on a date in the park. We walked and talked for what felt like hours and still like no time at all. I think it was in that walk that I started to truly fall for him. I remember fondly a moment in which he stopped, stepped in my path and just pulled me in for a kiss. It was like the world went silent for seconds.. I stepped back and smiled, looked at my feet and then continued to walk. He took my hand and we walked for a long time through spinning stones.
I hate that the first thought I have of the park is this memory. I want it to fade and I want to not feel saddened when I enter the park. I sometimes love and sometimes hate how much my mind holds onto things. It is as though I am in control of myself, but only to a point. Maybe it is the fact that I hold onto such memories that makes me who I am?
I do sit and think a lot, I am always thinking. People ask me a lot why I don't smile more, and it isn't that I'm sad, it is that I'm thinking. The next time you are really deep in thought, think about the expression on your face. I've thought about responding to these people that I don't even know who ask, give them the truth, they'd probably get more then they bargained for. And that moment, it might make me smile. :-)
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Adult Play Time
"We like to watch you laughing" -MGMT 'kids'
I wish that every morning I would wake up with as much enthusiasm and excitement as I am today. I slept so badly last night just because I couldn't wait for today to get here. Now it is here and I'm writing because it's nice to write when I'm happy sometimes too and not being overly introspective.
I have a large scale audition this afternoon and I am totally excited for it. I'm slightly nervous but not like I used to get. I think that I'm actually starting to trust myself more and my choices. I'd starting to actual live when I act and not allow it to feel forced or fake. Maybe I just needed a little time for all my training to drop in and solidify. Along with that, I feel a ton more confident then I even did 6 months ago with everything in my life.
I have heart, I have courage, I have a brain, and there is no place like home. :-)
Love,
The Corny Man of Oz
I wish that every morning I would wake up with as much enthusiasm and excitement as I am today. I slept so badly last night just because I couldn't wait for today to get here. Now it is here and I'm writing because it's nice to write when I'm happy sometimes too and not being overly introspective.
I have a large scale audition this afternoon and I am totally excited for it. I'm slightly nervous but not like I used to get. I think that I'm actually starting to trust myself more and my choices. I'd starting to actual live when I act and not allow it to feel forced or fake. Maybe I just needed a little time for all my training to drop in and solidify. Along with that, I feel a ton more confident then I even did 6 months ago with everything in my life.
I have heart, I have courage, I have a brain, and there is no place like home. :-)
Love,
The Corny Man of Oz
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Resistance
I am sometimes amazed by my resistance to let go of certain memories. The few simple notes of even one song can bring back smells, sights, feelings, and complete stories. I attach a song to everyone that has ever been in my life. Everyone has a chorus, a break, a beginning, middle and for many an end. This attachment of songs to human relationships leads me to wonder what part of these relationships are part of actuality, part in my head, and part coming from a song? Do the songs I attach to people simply become things that I wish had existed, but stories that never did?
I like that I attach songs to people, it's so easy to take myself back to the history and to write from it. It is easy for me to get emotional and remember every thought that was in my head at the time. I only attach songs to people though, never situations. Today I was writing about the first time I slept with someone that I didn't care about. I remember specifically that I slept with the person because I wanted to know what it felt like to sleep with someone that I didn't care about. I had only slept with three people for that and I had been dating those three people. I had thought that I was in love, and I wanted to know what sex, just sex felt like. So I did, I slept with someone for the first time just because I could, because I had no reason not to. I remember how disappointed I was after, not disappointed because it had been bad, but disappointed because it didn't feel that different at all. I had expected that perhaps I would hate it, feel raped, be mad at myself, or even sad, but I wasn't. I can remember every thought in my head, but i can't remember what song I had been listening to that day.
Oddly enough, I remember that time I had sex with more detail then i do even the first time I had actual sex.
I like that I attach songs to people, it's so easy to take myself back to the history and to write from it. It is easy for me to get emotional and remember every thought that was in my head at the time. I only attach songs to people though, never situations. Today I was writing about the first time I slept with someone that I didn't care about. I remember specifically that I slept with the person because I wanted to know what it felt like to sleep with someone that I didn't care about. I had only slept with three people for that and I had been dating those three people. I had thought that I was in love, and I wanted to know what sex, just sex felt like. So I did, I slept with someone for the first time just because I could, because I had no reason not to. I remember how disappointed I was after, not disappointed because it had been bad, but disappointed because it didn't feel that different at all. I had expected that perhaps I would hate it, feel raped, be mad at myself, or even sad, but I wasn't. I can remember every thought in my head, but i can't remember what song I had been listening to that day.
Oddly enough, I remember that time I had sex with more detail then i do even the first time I had actual sex.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Health Food
Everyday I have the best of intentions when it comes to writing. Unfortunately not everyday am I able to come to a blank anything and throw myself out onto it. This is frustrating beyond belief. In my mind I expect myself to begin at one sitting and get up with a finished product. I expect my first try to be my only try. This, of course, only blocks me. I am afraid to make a mistake, there for I cut myself off from the beginning. I end up decapitating myself before I've even gotten a word in at all.
This week I reconnected with a friend that I really haven't spoken to in a while. He has a tendency to come and go in my life. He comes around and then he disappears with no contact, no response, nothing. Then suddenly, as if out of nowhere he appears again. I always know what the story is though. He goes on meth binges. He was the first friend I had in New York outside of school and I still consider him to be one of my best friends. I have this fear in the back of my mind that one of these times when I don't hear back from him, that I am never going to again.
This week I reconnected with a friend that I really haven't spoken to in a while. He has a tendency to come and go in my life. He comes around and then he disappears with no contact, no response, nothing. Then suddenly, as if out of nowhere he appears again. I always know what the story is though. He goes on meth binges. He was the first friend I had in New York outside of school and I still consider him to be one of my best friends. I have this fear in the back of my mind that one of these times when I don't hear back from him, that I am never going to again.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Not Every Sex Story is Not Going to be Fun
For the last week I've been working hard at putting together my book of dating and sex stories. I cringe when people assume it is anything like Sex and the City. It is not. This has been a goal of mine for some time and I've slowly been working at it. Only recently has it become a real true vision in my head and something I see as tangible.
For the most part it has been very fun for me, very informative, even for myself. It's interesting to see how I actually work in situations and how they turn out. It's interesting for me to actually admit that I am a little crazy. I am totally delusional about certain people in my past, present and probably future. I don't see this as weakness, I just see it. I like to assume that I am as real to certain people as they have been to me. I am not. I have a strong tendency to ignore things about people that I don't like and make up things that I want to believe. I always think that I can stare into someone's eyes and know their life story. This isn't true. But I am convinced that I can feel someone else's skin through their eyes.
Today I wrote about a story that actually tugs at my heart. I found myself confessing to a love that I hid from even myself. I found myself exploring the thought process of what goes through my head when I kiss someone I care about. I picture the future in detail, things I can't possibly know. I live in a fairy tale in my head.
I have to stop sleeping with people that are in relationships.
For the most part it has been very fun for me, very informative, even for myself. It's interesting to see how I actually work in situations and how they turn out. It's interesting for me to actually admit that I am a little crazy. I am totally delusional about certain people in my past, present and probably future. I don't see this as weakness, I just see it. I like to assume that I am as real to certain people as they have been to me. I am not. I have a strong tendency to ignore things about people that I don't like and make up things that I want to believe. I always think that I can stare into someone's eyes and know their life story. This isn't true. But I am convinced that I can feel someone else's skin through their eyes.
Today I wrote about a story that actually tugs at my heart. I found myself confessing to a love that I hid from even myself. I found myself exploring the thought process of what goes through my head when I kiss someone I care about. I picture the future in detail, things I can't possibly know. I live in a fairy tale in my head.
I have to stop sleeping with people that are in relationships.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
To the Blank Page
One of my friends and I recently had a conversation about coming to a blank page and feeling as though you have to be in a certain mood to write. I know that this isn't necessarily true, but partially for sure. I think that is depends on what you want to write about. I don't think that in any mood what so ever I could sit down and write about whatever I wanted to. As in at this moment, I'd like to continue and write on the project that I have been, but I can't seem to find the words within myself. The blank document in my Word programs stares at me and haunts me for moments and I can't seen to attack it. To shut my computer is to say that the document won. To go to the gym, eat more, watch tv, and etc, all point to the same fact of walking away.
Today I refuse to let this blank page stare me down and win. I refuse to be over thrown by a document without a name and it will have a name, as soon as I give it one.
Today I refuse to let this blank page stare me down and win. I refuse to be over thrown by a document without a name and it will have a name, as soon as I give it one.
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