Your Way Inside

I don't miss you more then I thought possible
But more then I thought I would
You've become my last thought at night
With or without a pill
You always find a way inside
I've had dreams where you make a guest appearance
Ones where you have the staring role
I see your bashful smile
And your beautiful eyes
I see myself in them
One quick blink
You're gone
I wake
Search my sheets
You're nowhere within reach
Closing my eyes
I take a deep breath
Then I twist and turn until sleep finds me
It's the same old story
All the same things
You always find a way in
Then it hits me
With force like slamming into a brick wall
The one I'm working on rebuilding
The one you knocked down so easily
The place I can hide
Inside
It hits me
You're not coming back
It all melts away
I twist and turn and twist and turn and twist and turn
I'm just not a priority
You don't want me
I twist and turn and twist and turn
Eventually sleep finds me
Again
And there you are
Again
You've found your way inside
Again

Lethargic

It's 5am. I've just returned home from work and for reasons unknown I've decided to read some of my poetry from YEARS ago. Probably close to 5-6 years. Anyways, here is a piece that I just read, and I like it still.

For A Moment

For a moment I thought you were beautiful
I pictured you with wings
And I could feel the tears on your head as you kissed my neck
Your head nuzzled into my chest when I promised not to leave
I kissed your forehead.

For a moment I thought you were perfect
I pictured you transcending everything you hated
And I could see you smiling for miles in the darkness
You clean your body like you can somehow wash away everything you hate about yourself away
I watched you and amazing you were.

For a moment I thought you were insane
I pictured you locked up in a jacket
And I could see you happy to be safe in the patted room where no one could hurt you
You broke down and talked yourself into a frenzy
I look at you and I see myself.

Things Thomas Loves at 4am

-Walking home from work with a cigarette (American Spirit, hardly a real cigarette)

-Layers in the winter (especially fingerless gloves, and they really have no point, but make me feel a little homeless)

-The view from my window ( I can't wait to see snow fall over the city from my window, it always carries a magical feeling)

-Old love letters (I've kept every single one that has ever been given to me. I have a poem framed and hanging in my bed room that a boy gave me in 8th grade. He tore it out of his journal and to be honest, I don't even think he wrote it for me. I think he gave it to me because he felt bad about how much I liked him. I even keep the letters that people give me when they are mad at me, or me at them.)

-Cheese burgers from Renaissance with fried well done

-Alfie (for always being able to dance)

-Tweaks ( misery loves company)

-The poster size picture of Billy Corgan I took at a concert and framed this week.

-All of my emotions (I find myself trying to discredit them based on logic, and fuck it. I shouldn't feel badly about feeling intense about anything. It's a nice reminder that I'm alive and kicking)

-iTunes (allows me to purchase albums at 4am that I shouldn't)

-Horrible grammar

-Scruffy 

-Roseanne re-runs

-The cactus sitting in my living room that someone gave to me

-Margaret (even if she has no memory, I think she loves me)

-The lights from Time Square

-Tears

-White t-shirts

-My tattoo

-Drunk text messages (none tonight, but they always make me laugh)

-Playing pool

-Pinball machines

-LOST

-Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream

-Mask class

-The cardboard with the smiley face on it (Kelly sent me a box of gifts with a cardboard piece on top. It had a smiley face drawn on with a marker. Simply two dots and a line for a mouth. I have it framed, it is one of my favorite things in the entire world).

-Concerts (I always find such freedom in screaming along and jumping around. I have so many great memories of concerts and them just being huge releases)

-The scary mask I always photograph my friends wearing

-Peeing

-Doing too much cardio at the gym

-Sundays

-Fairy tales (I get lost in them. Sometimes I think maybe I am just waiting for my life to become one)

-Shoes

-James Franco

-And at this moment "Untouched" by The Veronicas

A Capacity to Love

I’ve lived in NYC for the past apx 4 years. I’m not counting the first year in a half because I was living up in Westchester with my ex.  We broke up somewhere between November and January of 04-05.  I say somewhere in between there because it all seems like such a blur.  I was a complete and total mess for months on end. I was emotionally needy, vulnerable and alone, seemingly, in the middle of NYC. I moved out of his apartment and into my own on Lexington and 23^rd. I was going to school just a few blocks from there, but I didn’t have a ton of friends in school yet, just a couple. And those few definitely touched and changed my life for the better. There was a girl that lived in my dorm building and she would listen to me cry and bitch and moan countless times. We would make popcorn in the microwave that I had snuck into my dorm room, which was roughly the size of a shoebox.  Also I had a friend that lived a few blocks away, and we would hang all the time for a more carefree environment. It was exactly what I needed.

The first guy I “dated” to any capacity after my ex was beautiful. Visually. He looked like a Ken doll, something out of a magazine. He was completely different then anyone I had ever meet before. Beautiful, out going, loud, drunk, obnoxious, a 9-5er. Him being the first person I dated after a long-term relationship, well, he was dead at the take off. I remember when we stopped seeing each other; I unleashed Hell that was clearly not his. At the time it seemed perfect and well deserved, looking back at it now, I just laugh.  We’ve actually tried to “date” on various occasions since then, and we have nothing in common. It’s funny because we are attracted to each other, but beyond that, there’s not a lot there.

Over the last four years, I’ve dated a lot of people for a few weeks, a few months, nothing too serious. This isn’t for a lack of trying, but I didn’t think that “dating” as an adult would be so difficult. I find that usually once a year I fall head over feet over someone. The kind where you instantaneously want to be around the person all the time, where your toes tingle and your stomach turns. You can’t think of the right things to say, but all you want is to be around them, in their presence.  This had hit me exactly 3 times in the last 4 years.

I’m finding that there is a huge difference between “dating” someone you think is a nice person, and someone that you sincerely can’t get enough of. I wouldn’t say that this really means falling in love, but it makes you vulnerable and happy and sick and beautiful all at the same time.

The first person to really make me feel this way just happened to walk into the bar that I was working at one day. I remember lifting a glass, pouring from a bottle, and just having this feeling come over me that I needed to look up and face the door. I did, and that was where he stood. He was with a group of people and it was almost like this kinetic force that made me stare. He was wearing a dark blue hoodie and faded jeans. I gave him and his friend’s drinks my entire shift, then ended up going out to s few bars with them. Him eventually asking to take me out to dinner sometime, of which of course I said yes.  He was drunk, coked up, and I don’t honestly know if he even remembers any of that first meetings.  (One would think this would be the first step to walking away).  We met for dinner one night, chatted the entire time about books and our favorite authors.  We didn’t kiss until our third date, after he has asked me at dinner if it were ok. I still made him wait until after dinner. This continued on for a bit and eventually we stopped talking. I’m not sure exactly what happened to be honest. I’ve placed the pieces together over time and I have a pretty clear story, but at the time I was too proud to ask. So I just walked away.  At times I still wonder, but I see him, and I never ask.

The second was this guy that much like the Ken doll, can be loud, and obnoxious. He wears funny clothing that always makes me smile. I can’t put a moment on the first time I met him, but he handed me his acting card head shot and told me we should have lunch to talk about the school I was attending because he was going to be going there as well. We ended up having lunch at an equinox gym and hanging out. He was with his then current boyfriend at the time and really nothing happened. We would get drunk and end up cuddling, but nothing else. It was cute the way he would always feel guilty in the morning, but still lay in bed for another hour. His then boyfriend was out of the state and had been for weeks. They were in the process of breaking up, which had nothing to do with me, but doesn’t fully clear my name as well. A few weeks later, it was late at night, we hadn’t spoken in a few days and I was invited over. Before I knew it, he kissed me… It was our first kiss, and although I don’t know the first moment I met him, I remember the first kiss like it were yesterday. After words, I asked what had changed and he told me that they had finally broken up. For the next month or so we were inseparable. It seemed as if every single night and day was spent with him. It was in late November when it really hit him that he needed to be alone for a while. This, of course, isn’t what I wanted to hear, and we didn’t talk for months. I completely blocked him out and acted as if he didn’t exist. I ignored him to his face and behind his back. Now we are pretty close and I enjoy talking to him and being friends. But for the small amount of time we spent together, I was tingling all over. We had a “date” night that we would both always dress up for and go it. It was cute, and I cherish the memories.

The third is still an enigma to me. I don’t have a clear story or an idea. I don’t have answers, and I just have questions. And I wait. I wait because everything eventually comes out in the wash. Eventually everything is answered, and eventually I’ll have a full story. This one is much more recent and there fore, I remember every detail. Every smell, every touch. It was again this kinetic energy that is unexplainable and heart breaking when it’s gone.

All of these instances were approximately a year apart from each other.  Perhaps I’m just a needy fall kind of guy. Every now and then I consider “settling” for someone. Someone that I just think is a nice guy, someone that I really don’t feel a huge connection with. And then I meet someone that I feel like has the power to shatter my world, and I run with it. Sometimes it blows up in my face, and sometimes I just let it fade away. And once in a while I just wait it out. The point being, it is an amazing feeling, and it is even more amazing to feel it and know you still have the capacity for it. That perhaps maybe you aren’t as bitter or feel as cheated as you once thought.

It’s amazing to know you still have the capacity to love. 

Learning to Dance

I'm not embarrassed to say, it's been a rough day. 

Learning to Dance

I move too fast
I miss the beats
Before I know what's happening
Before I can hear it
There are two tracks playing
I'm spinning to mine
Lost in ecstasy
Then there's the other
The one where everyone else grooves
I can't seem to catch the beat
I'm too mixed in my own trance
Before I know it
Before I can see it
You're dancing away from me
Teach me the steps
Show me how to lead
And when to follow
Take my hand and guide me
I know I spin in circles
Tapping on a wire that sets you free
I want a dancing partner
Someone who can't wait to feel my body collide with theirs
Feel my sweat drip
Don't let go of my hand
Stare at the stars lighting the floor
A full moon watching us with open eye
Our feet twist and turn
Blending and smashing with every rhythm and rhyme
The same energy follows through me as you
We are puppets on the same string
And nothing can stop you from wanting me
Closer
I can feel your heart beating
Closer
The breath from your body intoxicates me
Closer
I take the lead
And we move with freedom
Within you I see peace and we move together
So free
I move too fast
I miss the beats
And before I know what happening
You're dancing away from me

Too

I'm too proud to tell you I miss you
I'm too strong to say I still care
I'm too frail to shake myself awake
I'm too scared to let go
I'm too good at making excuses to deal with the facts
I'm too angry to tell the truth, to myself
I'm too filled with thoughts to even speak
I'm too busy running to see the world
I'm too willing to fall to your feet
I'm too perfect to feel like this
I'm too alive to allow myself to frown
I'm too ambitious to hold myself down
And I'm too proud to tell you I miss you

I miss you. 

A Subway Ride

So I actually took the subway yesterday, something I rarely do. Not because I always take taxi's, but because I hardly ever leave Hell's Kitchen. And living in midtown, I am centrally located enough to get pretty much anywhere I want within a few minutes. On the subway I wrote this and I like it a lot. 

You Wouldn't Know

Every morning I wake up
Roll out of bed and have a bowl of cereal
I usually have yogurt
And rarely eat egg whites
I always watch Roseanne
Even if I've seen the episode a million times
I check my email and then head to the gym
But you wouldn't know what mornings are like with me

I can recite all of Drop Dead Gorgeous
Probably in my sleep
When I fall for a movie
It lives in me like a human being would
I feel like I have a lot of films running through me
Exploding through my fingers and out my toes
But you wouldn't know what it's like to see that part of me

I have these days where I can't get out of bed
I've convinced myself I need less comfortable sheets
But I know that's not the truth
I've convinced myself that my room is just the right temperature
Also a lie
I lie a lot to myself
You wouldn't know that because you never asked

I make a lot of cookies
Sometimes more lavish desserts
I put the care into them like I'm making them for someone else
But I know they won't get eaten
Not even by myself
They always end up in the garbage
You wouldn't know that because you never let me make you dinner

I can be emotionally unwilling
Bullheaded and completely illogical
I can open up to the point that I cry
And close down so that nothing you did would ever matter
I can create life from nothing
And live peacefully in my head and through my stories
You wouldn't know that because you never listened to me

FUCKING BEYONCE!!

I have hated every single thing that has ever came out of Beyonce's mouth... until today. I am semi ashamed to say that I love the song "If I Were a Boy". It's so sentimental and I think that so many people have felt like she sings in the song, or can at least relate to being on the other side. This in no way makes me want to backtrack through her career and try to find other gems. I'd rather eat rat poison out of any one's mothers pussy then do that. 

Anyways, I'm not talking anymore about her, but I will post the lyrics. 

If I Were a Boy

If I were a boy

even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
and throw on what I wanted and go

Drink beer with the guys
and chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
and I'd never get confronted for it 
cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
so they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I’d put myself first
and make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’ll be faithful,
waiting for me to come home, to come home.

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake,
think i'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
you thought wrong

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
and you don't understand, ohhhh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man
You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

but your just a boy

My Two Favorite Pics

            

Both of these pictures are from this last week. And they are possibly my favorite pictures that have ever been taken with my camera. And both will soon be hanging in my bathroom. The second is already there.

Fantasy

Fantasy

In my head you're perfect
In my dreams you're more then I can stand
I have this fantasy
You're laying in my bed
Light cascades through the windows
There is a beautiful glow that spreads over your smiling face
I want to photograph you
And you abject
I try to convience you that it's not that scary
We roll around until you agree
I'm sitting on top of you
My camera in hand
And you look beautiful
More so then I ever thought possible
I want to show you what I see
How your eyes pierce me
Cut through the lens
Drag me deeper into you
I don't even want you to smile
Just be
Here
Or there
Whatever time of which this is I write
You of course don't get the thrill
You don't see what I do
You can't feel your own eyes
Your own hands
Your own lips
But now I have it
I have my proof
At least in my fantasy I do
And some how
In some way
There would be a record of exactly how I see you
And how you once looked at me

A Song?

So I am taking a stab at a song. I can hear it in my head, but I don't have a clue how to work music into words or the other way around. Either way, think something of slow with an acoustic guitar, and someone else's voice. I'm NOT a singer. :-D

Anxiety overwhelms me
I can't focus on today
I'm so stuck in all the memories of other days

And I'm just wondering
Are you thinking
Are you thinking of me
Are you thinking
Have I even crossed your mind

All these things I need to do
Every goal has gotten pushed aside for you
I'm standing on a broken track
Waiting for your train to come
But you've already flown past

And I'm just wondering
Are you thinking
Are you thinking of me
Are you thinking
Have I even crossed your mind

And all this waiting
All this time left bent
All these moments I can't forget
When will I overpower my needs
My incomprhensable need to bleed
To cut and slice
And search for what's beneath
My forgotten and denounced training
I've been working far to long to be in this place
I'm still here standing
I'm still here trying to smile my way past

And I'm just wondering
I can't help myself to wonder
Are you thinking
Are you thinking of me
Are you thinking
Are you thinking
Are you thinking of me
Are you thinking
Have I even crossed your mind
Are you thinking
Are you thinking of me

The Smashing Pumpkins

Last Thursday on the 6th, I went to see the Smashing Pumpkins at United Palace Theater. It has to have been possibly the best concert I've ever been to. It even beats out Alanis concerts for the title. In fact, for the most part, everything about the entire evening seemed magical. Our tickets ended up being front row, I initially thought they were 2nd, not that there is a huge difference. I threw my hands in the air, danced, and screamed along at the top of my lungs. It was amazing. It was beautiful. I felt free for 2-3 hours. Free of everything that I some times think is holding me down. It was as if I were floating above my head instead of stuck inside. There are moments where I blast music so loud in my ears that it unlocks the cage and I am free to run and play. This is one of those moments. I don't even remember every song they played, but I moved to every beat as if my soul needed it to survive, and maybe it did. I love going to concerts, there is something in the energy that surrounds you. It is inexplainable, and impossible to create alone. I went with a friend, for lack of a better term, and he was perfect to have been there. Afterwords we sipped champagne at a dinner, the best 4 dollar champagne in the city.

I think what I'm learning from this experience, or at least trying to take away from it, is that even when life shits on your head, you can't forget everything. Maybe you can be "in the moment" and still not forget about all the "moments" before?

Below is what I consider to be my favorite Smashing Pumpkins song. I listen to it almost every single day, at least of recently I have. It's from the mid nineties, a b-side on the 1979 single. "Set the Ray to Jerry"



Born to please, every simple need
I stand alone in my thoughts indeed
Hate you
For ever making me
I'm in you, I'm your anything

And I- want you
And I- need you
And all you are is brand new
And I- need you

Come to me, let me hold you still
I'm so tired, just as tired as you
Take me for anyone but me
All that you feel is never true

And I- want you
And I- need you
And all you are is brand new
And I- need you

When you say that you are
Forever my star
I'll never let you go, no, no
I'll never let you know

Let roar these fears
To the whore of my tears
Pure as a lie, I pour to your eyes
Suck you like the sap from a tree
Honey from the dew, from the bumblebees, yeah yeah

And I- want you
And I- need you
And all you are is brand new
And I- need you

When you say that you are
Forever my star
I'll never let you go, no, no
I'll never let you know

And I- want you
And I- need you
And all you are is brand new
'Cause- need you

A Large Update

Beginnings

I haven't been this attracted to someone in what feels like years
I'm smiling from ear to ear
My stomach tingles with anticipation
And I love feeling this vulnerable
This out of control
I'm trying not to be nervous
And not to be scared
I'm trying to flip my switches
And my independent need to sabotage myself
I like you so much that I want to cry
It feels electric with your every touch
I could physically attach myself to you for hours
I've never felt so content walking
And I love our awkward hellos
You putting your arm around me
And how you kiss my head
When you jump up and down
And your hand on my leg
Thinking about you makes me smile and bite my lip
I'm always in such a rush
But I'm trying so hard be calm


Blissfully Ignorant

Every single tiny little insignificant
All these times I feel left behind
It's all adding up
And it's all starting to over power me
I feel alone and lost and lied to
I don't think I can take this city anymore
I don't think I can make it another day here
Another month
I just want this anxiety gone
I just want some fucking sleep and a well meant smile
Please, can't you bid for my attention
I'm so sick of all these games
And I just don't think I can do this anymore
I can't take another minute with my stomach in knots
I don't think I can stay in this city another second
I constantly want to vomit
And I need a change of scenery
I need a change of life
I need something real to happen to me
I don't think I can do this anymore
I can't feel so half alive
Uppers and downers
I just want to set in the center
Blissfully illusioned


Glass

I hate feeling this vulnerable
This out of control
I feel like you could crush my entire world
I feel like one side ways glance would make me crumble
I feel so up in the air
And I want to spend every simple moment with you
I can't tell of you're just chill
Or if you're totally into me
I can't tell of you don't really care
Or what's going on in your head
I know when you touch me I shutter
I know when I look in your eyes I get lost
And I fear you don't see the same reflected
I fear you don't want me
I fear I'm not good enough
And I fear I'm falling in love with you
My head feels like it might burst
Like I might shatter
I am glass


Candy

If you love em
You let em go
If they come back
That's how you know
You'll find it when you stop looking
You have to love yourself first
I can't hear all these lines anymore
No one feels how I feel right now
And no amount of sayings is going to melt away my anxiety
I remember how you loved to watch a movie on my couch
I've never been held so tightly
I've never had a first kiss like that
I've felt this way before
But of doesn't change the intensity of all these moments I think of
Your hand on mine
Your arm around me
And your kisses on my forehead
And if you let em go
Maybe they'll come back
You never know
But I know I have your favorite candy sitting in my cupboard
Just in case you ever want to try that movie thing again
Just in case you ever wondered if I ever listened to you
I heard every word
And every little fucking thing stuck with me
I've still got your favorite candy sitting on the top shelf
It's hiding behind a few things
Maybe sometime you'll try to find it
I guess it's waiting for you
But I don't think I can do the same.


You

I appreciate you more now then ever before
Your listening and enduring my banter
I love that I can have crazy sex with you and then tell you about how insane I am inside
How I stare out my window
How I still think of someone fondly knowing he doesn't matter
I tell you everything I remember about him
And the other one
I told you everything accept what I remember about you
You would always move a chair next to mine at a restaurant
I always could sleep soundly next to you
Waking up and having sex
Smoking pot and having sex again
I think of you laughing at my Reba obsession
And I remember all the times we cuddled and did nothing else
The first time we kissed
And how sick I felt after our talk the Sunday after thanksgiving
How angry I was every time I'd see your face after that
Sometimes I wonder if we will ever be together again
I'd probably date you just to have access to your t-shirt collection
We could never drive anywhere together
We hate each other's music
I really think Madonna is annoying
But I'll still buy you shit and frame it
Hoping that it might make you smile to think of me
I'll never forget your birthday
And I never did
I appreciate you more now then I ever have before
I'm grateful you were around today
And I feel so much better
And I trust you more so then ever before

Part 2

"No Geoff, now I mean retarded in a bad way."

A Couple Thoughts and a Couple Pics

I took a walk through Central Park tonight. I took a few pictures, and I wrote a little bit as well. I just got a new camera, so I'm actually really surprised to see how much I enjoy these pictures. They remind of a few things that I sometimes forget. Just breathe.




AN UNEXPECTED CONVERSATION

I was talking to my doorman
It was all about relationships
My issues
My past
He was once engaged and it all fell apart
He misses cuddling
To hear this from a straight man I was taken back
And I miss the comfort of cuddling too
I miss knowing what I'm coming home to
I said I was picky
And when I do actually fall for someone
I fall hard
I fall so hard that I'm hurt before I've touched down
He said I must be looking for prince charming
I laughed at the irony of his exact words
And I said yes
Simply and truely
I want the nonexistant
The perfection
But my perfection isn't really prince charming
My perfection is my idea of prince charming
My idea is rubbing my knee at dinner
Holding my hand
And my body so close that it feels like we are breathing as one
He tells me hi in the middle of the day
Just because I ran through his mind
He tells me I'm beautiful
Even when I'm sick
And always wants to hold me after sex
I don't need a white horse
Or a million dollars
Maybe flowers out of nowhere
Or a kiss on my forehead is enough
I don't need you to be perfect
Perfection is overwhelming
And I know I'm a little crazy
So just let me be the one to bring the crazy to the table
I'm up in the air
So I need a little grounding
But allow me to fly at times
Support my dreams
And tell me not to panic
Everything is ok
Remind me to breathe
And I'll remind you that you're my prince charming




QUIET

Sometimes I just feel the quiet
I can see things going on around me
But nothing is really happening
To me
I can be on top of the world
And then on top of nothing
I can be out of head
And back in a moment
Where I didn't even feel it happen
I think this is kind of what it feels like to be an artist
Or maybe I'm over thinking it
And it's just what it feels like to be human

Finish line

I sometimes forget that life isn't about the finish line, and I trip.

A Long One

Tonight I listened to Abra Moore's ablum Everything Changed. I haven't listened to it in a long time. I always thought it was too slow and too sentimental. I find it interesting that as I grow older, I seem to connect to different music in ways that I hadn't before. It's like I suddenly understand the deepth and what the artist is actually saying and feeling. Feeling. It's awesome when you hear something and connect to it emotionally so well. It's a brilliant force and I love it.

I was listening to a smashing pumpkins song recently that I have heard a million times before, and suddenly the lyrics hit me in a way that I had never experienced. It felt magical and I suddenly got it, everything he was singing. And although sad, it brought a smile to my face, because I understood. And even when you are crazy and freaking out, it's always nice to know that what you are dealing with, someone else has been through before, and lived to talk about it.

Seems so easy to say don't sweat the small stuff, but at the end of the day. I'd rather be over emotional then under emotional. At least that way I know I'm living. When it's good, it's amazing, when it's bad, it's worse. But over all, I love it all, because I learn so much.

This piece that is below, I just threw out there. It isn't about any particular person or event, but just seemed to flow out and feel right. So take it or leave it, or don't read it all. Enjoy.

SLEEVE

I wear my heart on my sleeve
I’m not good at games
I don’t know how to make you want me
Sometimes I get nervous
And I’m not even myself at times
I get scared for no reason
And I’m always the first to jump ship
I want everything talked about in child tales
Candy and flowers
Movies and holding hands
Passionate kisses and cuddling all night
I want to feel the sun on my face in the am and not be alone
I like to make pancakes in the morning
And I entirely focus too much on other people then myself
Maybe you can find this beautiful
Or maybe you see it as having no backbone
It makes me happy to make other people happy
My happiness seems to always fall short of first place
But every time I see you smile
It makes me smile too
I never thought I’d be this person at 24
This person that’s still so yearning
So young and believing in puppy dog love
Don’t get me wrong
I’m not unhappy
I love how over emotionally passionately charged I am
How I constantly feel my heart beating
Sometimes faster at certain moments
How I constantly want to make everyone feel special
I love waking up in the morning and thinking today might be the day
And what else can I say
I wear my heart on my sleeve
Sometimes it gets smashed
But I can’t imagine keeping it anywhere else
I’m just not one for hiding things
I’d rather have you see me as I am
Take it or leave it
I can’t make apologies anymore
I can’t apologies for being me
I can be emotionally needy
And I can also be so giving that I’d rather have you happy before me
It’s hard for me to slow down
Sometimes I just see things that are so beautiful
It drives me crazy
It’s like these beautiful crazy glimpses that show exactly who you are
It’s inexplainable
It’s a pheromone
Some sort of scent that takes over me
And I know I sound like a hopeless romantic
I am a hopeless romantic
But since when is that such a bad thing
Since when is it so bad to want to fall in love
Since when is it so bad to want to share yourself completely with someone else
I don’t know what I’m thinking staying in this city sometimes
Since when is it so bad to want to fall in love
And if I want it and you want it
Then why’s it got to be so scary
Why does it have to be so self-conscious
Why do people always seem to love my body and that’s where is begins and ends
No one is texting me at 3am to tell me that they think I have a beautiful spirit
And what am I doing
What am I thinking by wearing my heart on my sleeve and living in New York City
The city of dreams
The city where anything can happen
The city where sometimes it feel so hard to just breathe

Mask

NO GUILT
NO SHAME
NO PUNISHMENT

I started taking this class at this acting studio I attend. The class is called Mask. Essentially we put on different masks that are supposed to work through your body and make you move differently. I'm not even going to try and explain it as to that I will do it incorrectly and it will just come off as confusing. Our teacher was telling us that he lives his life with the rules of No Guilt, No Shame, No Punishment. And every time something happens that he doesn't like, he just says it to himself and feels better. With that said, I think the idea is wonderful. I wish that I wouldn't guilt myself over things I've done, mistakes I've made, and that I wouldn't try to make other people feel guilty for their choices. Sometimes you just have to accept things and make a choice, move on, or work through it. No shame, why should I ever be abashed over my feelings? Why should I be shamed with my job, my career that may or may not be going anywhere. Why should I be ashamed of all of my other little insecurities? Most of them make me who I am, and I'm pretty ok with "me". No punishment, I would love to not punish myself for things. I have a tendency to beat myself up over things beyond my control. And sometimes I feel like I am punishing other people, trying to make them learn a lesson. It is just all overly negative and just not worth the energy. I wish it were easier for me to just jump from moment to moment in real life. Make a choice and move on. Sometimes I linger in moments from the past for too long and it only hinders me.

Maybe this will be my new years resolution, and I'll just start a little early.