-----> Here <-----

I decided that today would be a good day for a jog in Central Park, just something to clear my head. Lately it's been cluttered and I haven't exactly been able to figure out how to clear it all out.

As I slowed down I thought about lying the grass, but noticed a rock in the not too far distance. I made my way over to the rock and as I stood at the top, I looked down. Below my feet was the inscription, "Jesus was here".

A smile spread across my face, and I felt like a wonderful first kiss. I felt safe for a moment, and I laughed. I laughed because I were taking life too seriously and this was exactly what I needed to make myself forget.

This also got me thinking, "I wonder if Jesus ever wrote these words". Perhaps as a child he wrote his name on things like children do. Although I'm sure that Jesus never visited this section of Central Park, I know he is there all the time. I wonder if Jesus ever went through stages of "finding himself". I wonder if he ever broke some ones' heart, or maybe his own? I wonder if Jesus ever made any of the same mistakes that I have, that everyone has.

I wonder if Jesus ever sat in silence at 6am on a sunday morning and wished for a noise. For something to remind him that there is life all around him. Did anyone ever have to tell him to just breathe, and that everything will be ok?

"That Guy"

I don't want to be "that guy". I want to be bigger then that. I'm sorry.

What It All Comes Down To

My Proactive Formula

1. An obstacle occurs
2. Realize your reaction is the real enemy
3. Shut down your Reaction System and invite the Light in
4. Effectively express your Proactive Nature

I think the above has to do with Kabbalah. Someone gave it to me, and yes, it does fit me to a T. It really wasn't until I read these lines that I started to pay attention that in many ways my reaction to things is what gets me into trouble. I need to learn how to grind my teeth, grin and bare it.

That I Would Be Good

That I would be good -Alanis Morissette

That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

That I would be fine even even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy

That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
Whether with or without you

Mommy Says

That anger I've been looking for, I think I just found it.

I think who you are now, that's who you're going to be when you are 80. I still need to grow.


And I know, I'm the most judgmental person you've ever known.

I'm the most a lot of things that you've ever known.

I think my anger dwells from this irrational need to save. I always want to save people. Help them. "Help". "Help" as I see it. Mommy says, "You need help". Maybe I just need to accept people for who they are? Maybe I should just settle and be ok with what I have? Maybe I should stop wanting more?

I hate this feeling in my stomach, this pit. I want to fill it with something, nothing hits the spot.

"Sometimes you bore me so much I want to run screaming down a highway, naked, jabbing myself with hot needles, just to prove to myself that I am indeed alive, that I haven't drifted into some catatonic state resembling death but without its rewards"
-Alan Ball 'the M word'

The Return

It's the return of Emo Thomas. Hold tight folks, this could get bumpy, this could get a little messy, this could be nothing at all.

Why did I drop the pen for so long? It feels like home; maybe that's where I was running from?

Glass Vase Cello Case by Tattle Tale



Breathe into my hands I'll cup them like a glass to drink from


Are you still, still breathin'

Are you still

Breathin'

Are you still, still breathin'

Are you still

Breathin'


Breathe into my hands I'll cup them like a glass to drink from

Gaze (not gays).

Slowly, with ease and precision, "it" turned and starred me down. I could feel the bristles deep gaze on me, through the wall. Through the kitchen fridge, and through my skull. "It" had many questions, and I could offer very few answers. So few answers that I decided not to reply to any of the asked.

The toothbrush wanted to know why it wasn't being used. It had been 8 months since the toothbrush had gone more then 36 hours without being used. The toothbrush had seen the one next to "it" being used more often then 3 times a day, sometimes an OCD amount of times, but "it" still stood... untouched. Waiting.

Although I did not excel in grammar in primary school, middle school, or high school, I know that "Waiting" is not a complete sentence. In my defense, sometimes don't you feel as though that's where you are, who you are, and what you are?

Waiting.

100th Post - My Neighbors Shitty Music - Break-Up

I just logged into my account to find that I have posted 100 times, including this one.

My neighbor is constantly blasting techno music on the weekend, cramming far too many people in her apartment and basically making me laugh. Laugh because I can think of nothing else to call her but "Jersey". Granted, I have never met her, but I can only assume that she is the first of her friends to have their own place in the city and there for everyone has a free-for-all crash there. Or passes out just outside of her door (yes, this really happens). At this moment she is blasting Dave Matthews Band. For the first time, I don't hate her music.

Today was the first day in a while that I walked around the city without my iPod blaring in my ears, I decided that for a small amount of time I would allow the world to play. It's far too easy to walk around these streets and simply block everything and everyone out. I was standing on the subway platform waiting for the train to carry me back up to Hell's Kitchen from my audition downtown. I couldn't decide on a song, so I decided on none. Truth being, I couldn't decide on an emotion, and therefore I couldn't decide on a song to match it.

It is only Thursday and this has been a very confusing week... I'm mentally exhausted... mentally rundown... mentally obliterated. I'm dealing with a break-up, and it may be perhaps the most healthy break-up I've ever had. We aren't mad at each other, we aren't angry and hating each other, there was no yelling, screaming, or belittling. I'm used to a fight, so I was shocked to find myself upset but at peace. I had no idea sometimes they went hand in hand.

I didn't feel as though something in my relationship was clicking, I felt as though I kept waiting for something to happen, something to change, some sort of wild emotion to flow out of me. I didn't take into consideration that it was possible that I were blocking myself from having an emotion when I've felt them so easily in the past. Now, now I don't know.

My apartment is drenched in gifts, photos, paintings, and memories. It is the first and only relationship I've had yet in this apartment and part of me feels as though it isn't just "my" apartment.

The saddest thing in my life right now is a toothbrush. I'm just not strong enough to throw it away. I'm paying 1,400 dollars a month for a small apartment that I don't even have the emotional right to anymore, because of a fucking toothbrush? The other day I smelled this toothbrush, it doesn't smell like the person, it smells like crest. I hate crest. Knowing that said toothbrush is only a few feet away from me makes my gut retch and tears fall from my eyes.

It's just a fucking toothbrush.

Reasons for Pages

It wasn't until I hit page 4 of numbered reasons "why I hate my 4th grade teacher" did it dawn on me that maybe there is a full story there. I'm not ALWAYS the quickest.

Meg and Dia "Indiana"

Not sure why this song pops up in my head. But randomly on my play list and now on here.

Meg and Dia - Indiana

I can do whatever I want like you
I can do whatever I want like you
I can do whatever I want like you
Like You

She began to die
Indiana that's not right
Indiana that's not right
She began to fight
Indiana make it mine
Indiana make it mine

So pale and white
So inclined to do what 's right
Colonel sir, I feel lonely tonight
She's strong but an obedient wife

I can do whatever I want like you
I can do whatever I want like you
I can do whatever I want like you
Like You

She began to die
Indiana that's not right
Indiana that's not right
She began to fight
Indiana make it mine
Indiana make it mine

Such honest eyes
No time to run and ride
Colonel sir I feel lonely tonight
She's strong but her mind is losing light

I can do whatever I want like you
I can do whatever I want like you
I can do whatever I want like you
Like You

She began to die
Indiana that's not right
Indiana that's not right
She began to fight
Indiana make it mine
Indiana make it mine

I know, I know
She's alone
I know, I know
She's alone
Alone

She began to die
(I can do whatever I want like you)
That's not right you know
(I can do whatever I want oh no)
Indiana that's not right
(I can do whatever I want like you)
She began to fight
(I can do whatever I want like you)
Indiana make it mine
Indiana make it mine