It looks like it might rain today. I'm always tempted to run in the rain as it falls. Maybe I'll go lay in the park under it... Everyone always carries umbrellas... what's so bad about the rain?
Dear Rain,
I love you.
Your dry friend,
Thomas
Friday, August 28, 2009
Thomas...
Thomas would like to know...
Why am i still looking at things that don't involve me and wondering if maybe they did...
Maybe if I see a picture or a "thing" and wonder if maybe I was in the background, maybe if the person thought of me once, them maybe... just maybe... i would exist... to that person.
Why did I think that you were only looking at me... because you were, but not how I thought you were. I thought you stared at me and didn't see anyone else... now I know that you stared at me.. but just the same as you saw everyone else. It's always more magical to think that you are something special... sometimes you just aren't.
Why no one ever hears him... I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear, but maybe what's more important is what you actually need to hear?
Why you never called back...
Why he decided that it was a good idea to reveal all...
Why his mother went a little crazy and never seemed to connect again. She says it was alcohol, but she never drank... she says everyone else is crazy... but she's just the same... sometimes I wonder who I'm really calling for...
Why it's so hard to get out of bed sometimes, why is 9 hours just not long enough to rest the head...
When will Final Fantasy 13 actually come out... it is time for another distraction.... sometime else to keep his minds eye blind for a bit.
Thomas would like to know why it's so hard to say "I Love you" and mean it. I can see his imprint on the couch.. and I love it... I can feel his face near mine.. and I love it... I can feel him holding me... and I love it... I can feel him being silly and laughing.... and I love it.... and I still sit here afraid... afraid... afraid.... that I might like it???
Thomas would like to know... everything... when things get easier, when they fall off... when they are settle, when enough is enough.....
Thomas would like to know, but he'd rather not ask.... when will I die? will i look back and say it were a happy death?
Why am i still looking at things that don't involve me and wondering if maybe they did...
Maybe if I see a picture or a "thing" and wonder if maybe I was in the background, maybe if the person thought of me once, them maybe... just maybe... i would exist... to that person.
Why did I think that you were only looking at me... because you were, but not how I thought you were. I thought you stared at me and didn't see anyone else... now I know that you stared at me.. but just the same as you saw everyone else. It's always more magical to think that you are something special... sometimes you just aren't.
Why no one ever hears him... I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear, but maybe what's more important is what you actually need to hear?
Why you never called back...
Why he decided that it was a good idea to reveal all...
Why his mother went a little crazy and never seemed to connect again. She says it was alcohol, but she never drank... she says everyone else is crazy... but she's just the same... sometimes I wonder who I'm really calling for...
Why it's so hard to get out of bed sometimes, why is 9 hours just not long enough to rest the head...
When will Final Fantasy 13 actually come out... it is time for another distraction.... sometime else to keep his minds eye blind for a bit.
Thomas would like to know why it's so hard to say "I Love you" and mean it. I can see his imprint on the couch.. and I love it... I can feel his face near mine.. and I love it... I can feel him holding me... and I love it... I can feel him being silly and laughing.... and I love it.... and I still sit here afraid... afraid... afraid.... that I might like it???
Thomas would like to know... everything... when things get easier, when they fall off... when they are settle, when enough is enough.....
Thomas would like to know, but he'd rather not ask.... when will I die? will i look back and say it were a happy death?
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Recently on the Same Team
I'm always so great at giving people advice, at telling them exactly how I see it. I wish I were able to step outside myself and look inward to see my own situations objectively.
Someone I love greatly is dating someone that I don't necessarily think is on the same plane as her. She is a very strong individual and has great energy around herself. Her life is frantic, and she still floats above it and I think finds ways to laugh. But I also see her weaknesses and how she needs someone to back her up, hold her, be on her team and in the same game. I think she can stand fine on her own, but who doesn't want a relationship filled with support and filled with the ideal of finding happiness for yourself as great as happiness for the other person? I realize this isn't the 70's, but doesn't it kind of just fall into the same category as respect for eachother? I'm afraid that she will fall into the same trap that her parents did, and eventually find herself at a crossroads and look back thinking she maybe should have not held on so close. I pray I am wrong, because above all else I want her happiness. I think I've said most of these things to her, mainly that I just don't think he is "right" for her.
Why does it feel as though if someone isn't "right", then someone has to be "wrong"?
I used to believe that life was about finding one person and sticking with that person forever, and ever. Then for a while I thought maybe life is just about continuous random meetings and that maybe things don't have to last forever. Now.. now I just don't know what I believe anymore. I still have my head wrapped around this fairy tale idea, but maybe that's why it's called a fairy tale and not a reality idea. Is it possible that relationships are never even close to "perfect" and that you really do have to work a lot at them? Is love about a commitment, a choice, an emotion, or a settling? How do you know which is which?
I wish I could step outside myself and look at my life. Perhaps I could see myself as blocks and just move them around a bit, maybe I could make the picture make a small amount of sense more. Maybe I could stop myself from getting so angry so quick, from allowing myself to have my emotions determined by someone else. Part of me thinks that given the chance I'd just erase everyone and everything from my life and start over. Start over fresh and with no apologizes, no regrets, no fear. Above all else, no fear.
If I knew what the "right" move was, I'd make it. If I knew what the outcome of everything was going to be, I'm sleep better.
Sometimes I just want to pack up and leave New York City, no idea where I'd go. At least some place where I could walk down the street and not know anyone. But if you can't do that in New York City, where can you?
Someone I love greatly is dating someone that I don't necessarily think is on the same plane as her. She is a very strong individual and has great energy around herself. Her life is frantic, and she still floats above it and I think finds ways to laugh. But I also see her weaknesses and how she needs someone to back her up, hold her, be on her team and in the same game. I think she can stand fine on her own, but who doesn't want a relationship filled with support and filled with the ideal of finding happiness for yourself as great as happiness for the other person? I realize this isn't the 70's, but doesn't it kind of just fall into the same category as respect for eachother? I'm afraid that she will fall into the same trap that her parents did, and eventually find herself at a crossroads and look back thinking she maybe should have not held on so close. I pray I am wrong, because above all else I want her happiness. I think I've said most of these things to her, mainly that I just don't think he is "right" for her.
Why does it feel as though if someone isn't "right", then someone has to be "wrong"?
I used to believe that life was about finding one person and sticking with that person forever, and ever. Then for a while I thought maybe life is just about continuous random meetings and that maybe things don't have to last forever. Now.. now I just don't know what I believe anymore. I still have my head wrapped around this fairy tale idea, but maybe that's why it's called a fairy tale and not a reality idea. Is it possible that relationships are never even close to "perfect" and that you really do have to work a lot at them? Is love about a commitment, a choice, an emotion, or a settling? How do you know which is which?
I wish I could step outside myself and look at my life. Perhaps I could see myself as blocks and just move them around a bit, maybe I could make the picture make a small amount of sense more. Maybe I could stop myself from getting so angry so quick, from allowing myself to have my emotions determined by someone else. Part of me thinks that given the chance I'd just erase everyone and everything from my life and start over. Start over fresh and with no apologizes, no regrets, no fear. Above all else, no fear.
If I knew what the "right" move was, I'd make it. If I knew what the outcome of everything was going to be, I'm sleep better.
Sometimes I just want to pack up and leave New York City, no idea where I'd go. At least some place where I could walk down the street and not know anyone. But if you can't do that in New York City, where can you?
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