Mustard

In the middle of last month I found myself on a mission to blog everyday to keep a constant record of my trip to Florida and following the Smashing Pumpkins on tour. Day 1 went well with this goal, day 2 and so on, not so well. I was more interested in taking in everything around me then I was with getting some writing out everyday. What I also learned, is that when I begin to write the things that really matter to me more flows out easily.

I've been stressed this last couple weeks. I have a play coming up, and although I don't don't have a huge role, I am still stressed about getting everything prepared. One of the actors is on stage the entire play and I have no idea how she is able to do it. She has huge chunks of dialogue through out the entire piece with no break what so ever. Along with that, I have started auditioning again, which is always a great experience and I learn from it every time. My parents are coming next week to visit and see the play. This weekend I have a friend visiting from out of town, work, dress rehearsal, and I am trying to get this story I've been working on completely edited and finished.

This story. Oh, this story I do love so much. It is by far the longest single piece I have put together and I love the feel of it. It has allowed me to move on from an event in my life and give closure to something that I should have closed the door on before it even began. Like anything else, I choose to learn from all experiences. This particular one though, seems to keep popping up just when I think it is gone. It's essentially this monster hiding in the shadows and every time I feel I have banished it, I have a dream, a smell comes in, a song plays, or something equally as meaningless, but meaning everything, happens.I'm ready for it to leave completely. I just wish I knew the finally stages to cut all cords, because snip snip snip, I would.

Lately I've been catching my tongue before I speak and keeping quiet when I want to scream. It's interesting to feel a shift in power when you just choose to say nothing. I'm going to be saying less more frequently.

Step 1: Stop criticizing other people.

Day 1 of SP Florida trip

LGA-> MCO (Orlando International Airport)

After sleeping for a mer 3 hours, after working Saturday night, I was up and getting dressed, waiting for my bus to pick me up and take me to LGA. I hadn't ever used AirLink before, so I figured I'd give it a shot. It only cost 17 dollars for them to pick you up at your door and drive you to the airport. I was expecting a huge white van to come barreling down the road, but I was surprised to see a shinny black Escalade parked in front of my building. What I didn't expect was then being driven form my apartment in Hell's Kitchen to the upper east side to pick up another passenger, then through the suburbs of Queens for yet another. It took almost an hour and a half to reach the airport, which should have taken 45 minutes. Never again AirLink, never again.

Clearing security, it was time for breakfast. My flight had an hour delay, so there was time to kill. My options for 10:30am included pizza, Burger King, and soft serve ice cream. I bee lined for the ice cream, added some fruit, a little granola, and was able to convince myself that it was the best choice. An hour later I was in line at Burger King, the ice cream hadn't done the trick. The Burger King, on the other hand, did a trick on my stomach. The plane ride was not one I'd describe as pleasurable.

My buddy, Geoff, greeted me at the airport where we then drove to the Cheesecake Factory. YES! I FUCKING LOVE THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY!!! There isn't one inside NYC, so when I leave to go to another large city I always try to track down the nearest mall and gorge myself until I feel like I will burst. Over dinner I was telling Geoff about how great the last Smashing Pumpkins concert I attended was and that I really thought he would enjoy the Orlando show. That's when it hit me, I was in FL, and my tickets to all the shows are back in NYC. I'm usually a very organized person, I don't forget things (although sometimes I wish I could), and I am always on time. But, had I really forgotten the tickets to the concerts that were the entire reason for me flying to FL?? Yes, I had. Being late Sunday night, Ticket Master was already closed, so I had to wait until this morning to call. Have no fear, the tickets will be at will call waiting for me.

That night, after Cheesecake, we went back to his apartment, napped, and then headed out to some random gay club in downtown Orlando. It's weird to walk into a club filled with people and not know a soul. Oddly enough, I've run into people that I know every time I travel, Hawaii, Paris, and even in Thailand. I'm used to going out in NYC where I can leave my apartment alone, go anywhere, and know that I will always just find someone to chill with. Here though, the playing field is different and I felt self conscious and wanted to lye under the radar, so I did.

The night ended in drunken McDonalds, a perfect top off of the otherwise healthy meals I had been eating all day.

This morning I was hungover, laying in bed, and forced myself up to shower. Call Ticket Master, and then headed to the gym and pool that is down the street from Geoff's building. I now sit waiting for him to return from class so we can head to the House of Blues for show #1.

T

Hang With Me

Only recently have I seen the book that I've had in my mind for so long start to come together into my hands. It seems like a beautiful open road and every day is makes me more and more excited. I'm thrilled to finally be able to share my deep and true stories with the world. I can see the cover in my head, the opening pages, and the chapters forming in the folds of my mind. There is something really amazing in looking at a 20 page chapter about someone that was very important in your life, putting words to your emotions, and then being able to hold them and say, "This is me. This is who I am."

In a class I was recently told that every story has already been told, but it is how you tell it and with your own truth that makes the story different. I'm finding as I write with a direct purpose that it is only in my deep truths and non-judgements that I really seem to be able to pull and tug on the heart strings that I so desire.

ROBYN is coming to NYC in August, and I can't wait. I had originally bought a ticket for me and for someone else, but now I have a spare, so who wants to go?!

ROBYN - HANG WITH ME



Lyrics to Hang With Me

Will you tell me once again
How we're gonna be just friends
If you're for real and not pretend
Then I guess you can hang with me

When my patience's wearin' thin
When I'm ready to give in
Will you pick me up again
- Then I guess you can hang with me
You can hang with me

And if you do me right
I'm gonna do right by you
And if you keep it tight
I'm gonna confide in you
I know what's on your mind
there will be time for that too
if you hang with me
hang with me

Just don't fall
recklessly, headlessly in love with me
Cause its gonna be
All heartbreak
blissfully painful and insanity
if we agree

Oh you can hang with me

When you see me drift astray
outta touch and outta place
will you tell me to my face?
then I guess you can hang with me

And if you do me right
I'm gonna do right by you
And if you keep it tight
I'm gonna confide in you
I know what's on your mind
there will be time for that too
if you hang with me
hang with me

Just don't fall
recklessly, headlessly in love with me
Cause its gonna be
All heartbreak
blissfully painful and insanity
if we agree you can hang with me

Just don't fall
recklessly, headlessly in love with me
Cause its gonna be
All heartbreak
blissfully painful and insanity
if we agree

Oh you can hang with me
Hang with me

Shuffle

As I continue to leave my iPod on shuffle I am reminded again of songs I had forgotten about. Here is one that popped up today for me. It is probably her most underrated single and it is awesome.

NELLY FURTADO

"TRY"




All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Try

All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
And that's you, baby
This is me, baby
And we are, we are, we are, we are
Free
In our love
We are free in our love

Smiling

I'm happy with my new apartment, I'm finishing up my speech work, I have a lot of projects on my plate at the moment, and I've been getting some great writing done. I leave for FL on Sunday and I'm smiling ear to ear. :-)

ZERO time

Over the last week I've been packing and moving, just up a few blocks from my old apartment. I have been painting and basically just trying to get everything taken care of.

Over the weekend I worked my butt off running from the city out to Long Island and I had a great time. I've been enjoying my friends a ton and the 4th of July rocked.

Tonight I have my first rehearsal for a play I'm doing in August. I think I'm pretty well prepared for tonight, granted, it is the first rehearsal, no one expects it to be perfect nor near completion.

And in under two weeks I'll be in FL going from concert to concert. I can't wait!

Almost 200.

This is my 195th post on Me And My Ganja. What will he do next?

Well, first on my list is to better define myself. After a long discussion today, with someone I've grown a feeling of closeness, it was brought to my attention that possibly I am stumbling in that area. I am very in tune with so many things going on around me, but what is it that I actually want and who am I? Yes, the questions of life, who am I? But at what point do I/we stop asking ourselves this and make the choice to be who we want to? NOW, now is when I am going to start.

This gets me excited and I can't wait for the rest of the day and tomorrow to continue this work of choices. What am I waiting for to happen? I have the world as my ouster and I'm going to eat it up!

:-)

HELLO WORLD

Last night before sleeping I did a great meditation and BAM! Hello, World, I'm back. Sorry I've been away for a bit, but not anymore.

T

Sleep

Right after I posted that last entry, I slept. Maybe I just needed to get something out of my head.

T

I haven't been sleeping. I wouldn't call myself an insomniac, at least not yet. I can't seem to be able to turn my brain off these last days and it is driving me nuts. I keep trying all the tricks I know of. I've been trying breathing exercises, and i just can't seem to find sleep.

I need to get out of New York City for a bit. I need to just be alone for a while and away these streets and these lights. I need some silence and to still be outside, I need to get away from these people.

So I am.

On a whim, I bought a plane ticket to FL, reserved a car, and from July 18-22nd, I'll be following the Smashing Pumpkins around FL. I'm going to visit a friend of mine in Orlando for a night or two and then venture out on my own. I just need to run for a while, sleep in crappy motels and blast music while I drive down the road with the wind in my face.

July 18th couldn't come fast enough.

I can't sleep, my eyes are dry and my face feels tired. I have class tonight and a shoot tomorrow morning. Maybe tonight I can sleep, but right now it doesn't seem to matter what I try. Maybe after a good workout my brain will shut itself off.