This song has been on repeat on my iPhone for a while. I think it actually describes me pretty well.
Basket Case by Green Day
Do you have the time
To listen to me whine
About nothing and everything
All at once
I am one of those
Melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone
No doubt about it
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid?
Am I just stoned?
I went to a shrink
To analyze my dreams
She says it's lack of sex
That's bringing me down
I went to a whore
He said my life's a bore
So quit my whining cause
It's bringing her down
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid?
Uh, yuh, yuh, ya
Grasping to control
So I better hold on
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid?
Am I just stoned?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUTGr5t3MoY
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Memories
As I jump further and further into my past to bring it into the future, I notice there is more and more there then I had ever expected.
I'm finding myself tearing up at the thought of a beautiful boys eyes looking at me. I find myself searching for memories that are sometimes so unclear that I'm not sure if they ever really existed or if just the haze of the idea of them existing at all.
I am constantly surprised by the emotional sparks that I find in myself with memories that I was sure had been put in my past.
Sometimes painful, but even in that I find this beautiful release that makes it all worth it.
I'm finding myself tearing up at the thought of a beautiful boys eyes looking at me. I find myself searching for memories that are sometimes so unclear that I'm not sure if they ever really existed or if just the haze of the idea of them existing at all.
I am constantly surprised by the emotional sparks that I find in myself with memories that I was sure had been put in my past.
Sometimes painful, but even in that I find this beautiful release that makes it all worth it.
Friday, February 26, 2010
3 Days of Falling
"Today is the greatest day I've ever known" -Smashing Pumpkins
I'm sure that I have quoted that song a million times on this blog. If not, then I have thought of it at least a million times. Not too long ago I saw an interview will Bill Corgan and he spoke about how when he wrote "today" he was living in a storage unit and he wrote it as a joke. It was the most depressing time of his life and the song was supposed to be ironic in sorts.
Today I am more grateful for my friends then I think I have been in a very long time. Sometimes I take them granted, and sometimes I don't give them the attention and care that they need and deserve. At times I also don't give myself the attention and care that I need. Life has been coasting by lately and I haven't really been taking the time to smell the roses and really immerse myself in the world.
Recently I've been emotionally detached and uncomfortable in my own skin.
I easily emotionally detach myself from things so that they are easier to deal with. Lately I have been lonely. I've been having sex, but not the kind that really counts. The kind where you actually want the person to stay the night. The kind where you love to cuddle and wish the morning would never come. It's been a long time since I've felt that way about another person. I don't want a relationship just to have one, in fact, I am totally fine being single. I love being single. But, lately its been snowing in NYC, doesn't romance always seem a little more necessary when it snows? Doesn't it require some sort of organic love energy?
In my new apartment I live on the 28th floor, just outside of Time Square. Two of my wall in my bedroom are all windows, floor to ceiling. I have a breath taking view of Manhattan. Yesterday I woke up and the sky was so filled with snow that I could hardly see the streets below. The people walking with their umbrellas were basically invisible. Flakes of snow fell with the speed of light and crashed to the streets. Huge flakes, so large that I could almost make out the formation of the snow from where my head rested on my pillow. It's moments like that where I wonder if the snow would be more beautiful if someone were laying next to me. It's moments like that where I smile to myself. Although I love the idea of someone watching the sky with me, I am content with myself watching the sky. It's moment like this where I know that my sky is limitless and that this moment just now, this moment, it's just the beginning. And the next moment can be whatever I want it to be.
I can be whatever I want to be.
I'm sure that I have quoted that song a million times on this blog. If not, then I have thought of it at least a million times. Not too long ago I saw an interview will Bill Corgan and he spoke about how when he wrote "today" he was living in a storage unit and he wrote it as a joke. It was the most depressing time of his life and the song was supposed to be ironic in sorts.
Today I am more grateful for my friends then I think I have been in a very long time. Sometimes I take them granted, and sometimes I don't give them the attention and care that they need and deserve. At times I also don't give myself the attention and care that I need. Life has been coasting by lately and I haven't really been taking the time to smell the roses and really immerse myself in the world.
Recently I've been emotionally detached and uncomfortable in my own skin.
I easily emotionally detach myself from things so that they are easier to deal with. Lately I have been lonely. I've been having sex, but not the kind that really counts. The kind where you actually want the person to stay the night. The kind where you love to cuddle and wish the morning would never come. It's been a long time since I've felt that way about another person. I don't want a relationship just to have one, in fact, I am totally fine being single. I love being single. But, lately its been snowing in NYC, doesn't romance always seem a little more necessary when it snows? Doesn't it require some sort of organic love energy?
In my new apartment I live on the 28th floor, just outside of Time Square. Two of my wall in my bedroom are all windows, floor to ceiling. I have a breath taking view of Manhattan. Yesterday I woke up and the sky was so filled with snow that I could hardly see the streets below. The people walking with their umbrellas were basically invisible. Flakes of snow fell with the speed of light and crashed to the streets. Huge flakes, so large that I could almost make out the formation of the snow from where my head rested on my pillow. It's moments like that where I wonder if the snow would be more beautiful if someone were laying next to me. It's moments like that where I smile to myself. Although I love the idea of someone watching the sky with me, I am content with myself watching the sky. It's moment like this where I know that my sky is limitless and that this moment just now, this moment, it's just the beginning. And the next moment can be whatever I want it to be.
I can be whatever I want to be.
Spinning
I've had so much spinning around in my head recently, it feels like a whirlwind of life flying before me. I don't mind. In fact, I'd rather be too busy then not busy at all. I'm definitely someone that likes to have a lot of projects going on at the same time. The trick though I've found, is actually finishing them. I have a tendency to get things half done and then move onto the next. This is going to stop now.
I have been working on writing a bunch of short stories recently in hopes of having them published in the near future. They are coming along pretty well, and I'm actually really excited to be working on them. It's semi crazy to think that one day someone might actually read the stories about me and know more then perhaps I even want them to. But, if you aren't open and free, how can anyone relate with you at all? I feel that the most influential people in media are the ones that you can relate with and feel some common ground. I wish we could all be more open and exposed. The world would by far be more interesting. What would happen if we all decided to share our stories and experiences?
At moments in writing I find myself thinking about what my family, friends, co-workers, and people I don't even know might say or think. Those are moments where I close my eyes, and type faster, typing for myself, because that is actually who I am writing for. I'm writing because I have to get it out of my head, I have to get it out of my body and at the moment it seems that if I don't, I might burst. I feel as though sometimes I have to constantly be sharing and releasing or I go crazy in my head.
I'd rather have my head working too much instead of not working at all.
Spinning, my head is spinning. I'm trying to keep in under control, but I love the feeling of losing control. So spin away.
I have been working on writing a bunch of short stories recently in hopes of having them published in the near future. They are coming along pretty well, and I'm actually really excited to be working on them. It's semi crazy to think that one day someone might actually read the stories about me and know more then perhaps I even want them to. But, if you aren't open and free, how can anyone relate with you at all? I feel that the most influential people in media are the ones that you can relate with and feel some common ground. I wish we could all be more open and exposed. The world would by far be more interesting. What would happen if we all decided to share our stories and experiences?
At moments in writing I find myself thinking about what my family, friends, co-workers, and people I don't even know might say or think. Those are moments where I close my eyes, and type faster, typing for myself, because that is actually who I am writing for. I'm writing because I have to get it out of my head, I have to get it out of my body and at the moment it seems that if I don't, I might burst. I feel as though sometimes I have to constantly be sharing and releasing or I go crazy in my head.
I'd rather have my head working too much instead of not working at all.
Spinning, my head is spinning. I'm trying to keep in under control, but I love the feeling of losing control. So spin away.
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