Me And My Ganja

Mustard

2010-08-05T23:34:00.003-05:00

In the middle of last month I found myself on a mission to blog everyday to keep a constant record of my trip to Florida and following the Smashing Pumpkins on tour. Day 1 went well with this goal, day 2 and so on, not so well. I was more interested in taking in everything around me then I was with getting some writing out everyday. What I also learned, is that when I begin to write the things that really matter to me more flows out easily.

I've been stressed this last couple weeks. I have a play coming up, and although I don't don't have a huge role, I am still stressed about getting everything prepared. One of the actors is on stage the entire play and I have no idea how she is able to do it. She has huge chunks of dialogue through out the entire piece with no break what so ever. Along with that, I have started auditioning again, which is always a great experience and I learn from it every time. My parents are coming next week to visit and see the play. This weekend I have a friend visiting from out of town, work, dress rehearsal, and I am trying to get this story I've been working on completely edited and finished.

This story. Oh, this story I do love so much. It is by far the longest single piece I have put together and I love the feel of it. It has allowed me to move on from an event in my life and give closure to something that I should have closed the door on before it even began. Like anything else, I choose to learn from all experiences. This particular one though, seems to keep popping up just when I think it is gone. It's essentially this monster hiding in the shadows and every time I feel I have banished it, I have a dream, a smell comes in, a song plays, or something equally as meaningless, but meaning everything, happens.I'm ready for it to leave completely. I just wish I knew the finally stages to cut all cords, because snip snip snip, I would.

Lately I've been catching my tongue before I speak and keeping quiet when I want to scream. It's interesting to feel a shift in power when you just choose to say nothing. I'm going to be saying less more frequently.

Step 1: Stop criticizing other people.

Day 1 of SP Florida trip

2010-07-19T15:13:00.002-05:00

LGA-> MCO (Orlando International Airport)

After sleeping for a mer 3 hours, after working Saturday night, I was up and getting dressed, waiting for my bus to pick me up and take me to LGA. I hadn't ever used AirLink before, so I figured I'd give it a shot. It only cost 17 dollars for them to pick you up at your door and drive you to the airport. I was expecting a huge white van to come barreling down the road, but I was surprised to see a shinny black Escalade parked in front of my building. What I didn't expect was then being driven form my apartment in Hell's Kitchen to the upper east side to pick up another passenger, then through the suburbs of Queens for yet another. It took almost an hour and a half to reach the airport, which should have taken 45 minutes. Never again AirLink, never again.

Clearing security, it was time for breakfast. My flight had an hour delay, so there was time to kill. My options for 10:30am included pizza, Burger King, and soft serve ice cream. I bee lined for the ice cream, added some fruit, a little granola, and was able to convince myself that it was the best choice. An hour later I was in line at Burger King, the ice cream hadn't done the trick. The Burger King, on the other hand, did a trick on my stomach. The plane ride was not one I'd describe as pleasurable.

My buddy, Geoff, greeted me at the airport where we then drove to the Cheesecake Factory. YES! I FUCKING LOVE THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY!!! There isn't one inside NYC, so when I leave to go to another large city I always try to track down the nearest mall and gorge myself until I feel like I will burst. Over dinner I was telling Geoff about how great the last Smashing Pumpkins concert I attended was and that I really thought he would enjoy the Orlando show. That's when it hit me, I was in FL, and my tickets to all the shows are back in NYC. I'm usually a very organized person, I don't forget things (although sometimes I wish I could), and I am always on time. But, had I really forgotten the tickets to the concerts that were the entire reason for me flying to FL?? Yes, I had. Being late Sunday night, Ticket Master was already closed, so I had to wait until this morning to call. Have no fear, the tickets will be at will call waiting for me.

That night, after Cheesecake, we went back to his apartment, napped, and then headed out to some random gay club in downtown Orlando. It's weird to walk into a club filled with people and not know a soul. Oddly enough, I've run into people that I know every time I travel, Hawaii, Paris, and even in Thailand. I'm used to going out in NYC where I can leave my apartment alone, go anywhere, and know that I will always just find someone to chill with. Here though, the playing field is different and I felt self conscious and wanted to lye under the radar, so I did.

The night ended in drunken McDonalds, a perfect top off of the otherwise healthy meals I had been eating all day.

This morning I was hungover, laying in bed, and forced myself up to shower. Call Ticket Master, and then headed to the gym and pool that is down the street from Geoff's building. I now sit waiting for him to return from class so we can head to the House of Blues for show #1.

T

Hang With Me

2010-07-14T10:46:00.002-05:00

Only recently have I seen the book that I've had in my mind for so long start to come together into my hands. It seems like a beautiful open road and every day is makes me more and more excited. I'm thrilled to finally be able to share my deep and true stories with the world. I can see the cover in my head, the opening pages, and the chapters forming in the folds of my mind. There is something really amazing in looking at a 20 page chapter about someone that was very important in your life, putting words to your emotions, and then being able to hold them and say, "This is me. This is who I am."

In a class I was recently told that every story has already been told, but it is how you tell it and with your own truth that makes the story different. I'm finding as I write with a direct purpose that it is only in my deep truths and non-judgements that I really seem to be able to pull and tug on the heart strings that I so desire.

ROBYN is coming to NYC in August, and I can't wait. I had originally bought a ticket for me and for someone else, but now I have a spare, so who wants to go?!

ROBYN - HANG WITH ME

Lyrics to Hang With Me

Will you tell me once again
How we're gonna be just friends
If you're for real and not pretend
Then I guess you can hang with me

When my patience's wearin' thin
When I'm ready to give in
Will you pick me up again
- Then I guess you can hang with me
You can hang with me

And if you do me right
I'm gonna do right by you
And if you keep it tight
I'm gonna confide in you
I know what's on your mind
there will be time for that too
if you hang with me
hang with me

Just don't fall
recklessly, headlessly in love with me
Cause its gonna be
All heartbreak
blissfully painful and insanity
if we agree

Oh you can hang with me

When you see me drift astray
outta touch and outta place
will you tell me to my face?
then I guess you can hang with me

And if you do me right
I'm gonna do right by you
And if you keep it tight
I'm gonna confide in you
I know what's on your mind
there will be time for that too
if you hang with me
hang with me

Just don't fall
recklessly, headlessly in love with me
Cause its gonna be
All heartbreak
blissfully painful and insanity
if we agree you can hang with me

Just don't fall
recklessly, headlessly in love with me
Cause its gonna be
All heartbreak
blissfully painful and insanity
if we agree

Oh you can hang with me
Hang with me

Shuffle

2010-07-13T14:47:00.002-05:00

As I continue to leave my iPod on shuffle I am reminded again of songs I had forgotten about. Here is one that popped up today for me. It is probably her most underrated single and it is awesome.

NELLY FURTADO

"TRY"

All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Try

All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
And that's you, baby
This is me, baby
And we are, we are, we are, we are
Free
In our love
We are free in our love

Smiling

2010-07-12T22:27:00.002-05:00

I'm happy with my new apartment, I'm finishing up my speech work, I have a lot of projects on my plate at the moment, and I've been getting some great writing done. I leave for FL on Sunday and I'm smiling ear to ear. :-)

ZERO time

2010-07-07T17:12:00.002-05:00

Over the last week I've been packing and moving, just up a few blocks from my old apartment. I have been painting and basically just trying to get everything taken care of.

Over the weekend I worked my butt off running from the city out to Long Island and I had a great time. I've been enjoying my friends a ton and the 4th of July rocked.

Tonight I have my first rehearsal for a play I'm doing in August. I think I'm pretty well prepared for tonight, granted, it is the first rehearsal, no one expects it to be perfect nor near completion.

And in under two weeks I'll be in FL going from concert to concert. I can't wait!

Almost 200.

2010-07-01T13:18:00.002-05:00

This is my 195th post on Me And My Ganja. What will he do next?

Well, first on my list is to better define myself. After a long discussion today, with someone I've grown a feeling of closeness, it was brought to my attention that possibly I am stumbling in that area. I am very in tune with so many things going on around me, but what is it that I actually want and who am I? Yes, the questions of life, who am I? But at what point do I/we stop asking ourselves this and make the choice to be who we want to? NOW, now is when I am going to start.

This gets me excited and I can't wait for the rest of the day and tomorrow to continue this work of choices. What am I waiting for to happen? I have the world as my ouster and I'm going to eat it up!

:-)

HELLO WORLD

2010-06-30T07:09:00.002-05:00

Last night before sleeping I did a great meditation and BAM! Hello, World, I'm back. Sorry I've been away for a bit, but not anymore.

T

Sleep

2010-06-29T10:20:00.002-05:00

Right after I posted that last entry, I slept. Maybe I just needed to get something out of my head.

T

2010-06-29T07:37:00.003-05:00

I haven't been sleeping. I wouldn't call myself an insomniac, at least not yet. I can't seem to be able to turn my brain off these last days and it is driving me nuts. I keep trying all the tricks I know of. I've been trying breathing exercises, and i just can't seem to find sleep.

I need to get out of New York City for a bit. I need to just be alone for a while and away these streets and these lights. I need some silence and to still be outside, I need to get away from these people.

So I am.

On a whim, I bought a plane ticket to FL, reserved a car, and from July 18-22nd, I'll be following the Smashing Pumpkins around FL. I'm going to visit a friend of mine in Orlando for a night or two and then venture out on my own. I just need to run for a while, sleep in crappy motels and blast music while I drive down the road with the wind in my face.

July 18th couldn't come fast enough.

I can't sleep, my eyes are dry and my face feels tired. I have class tonight and a shoot tomorrow morning. Maybe tonight I can sleep, but right now it doesn't seem to matter what I try. Maybe after a good workout my brain will shut itself off.

Afraid of Anger

2010-06-27T05:07:00.003-05:00

In my first year of acting class we would do freedom rifting. Basically we would stand and stare at each other and then say whatever came up. When ever someone would say they didn't like something about me, get angry, or look unhappy I would drift into this mode of saying, "I'm sorry". It came down to my teacher telling me that I was no longer allowed to apologize. He would ask me what I was apologizing for, why was it my responsibility to try and keep everything below the boiling point? For a long time it was very difficult for me to just say, "so what?" and leave it at that.

It took months before I was able to tell someone to even fuck off, or that I didn't care if they were angry. It took months following that for me to be able to even say that I was mad. I still find myself doing the same thing. I'm so quick to tell people that I'm not mad, but I am. I'm fucking pissed sometimes, and what's the problem with that? Why do I feel like it's okay for everything else ot get pissed off except for me? What happens if I express my own anger that I'm so afraid of?

As of now, tonight, I'm no longer going to sit back and try to keep the top from flying up. If I'm pissed I'm going to tell you, I'm going to express it, and I don't care if you like it or not. I'm so in touch with my "happy" feeling, it's time that I got just an comfortable with my "angry" ones as well.

A Beautiful Song Reborn in My Memory

2010-06-26T20:25:00.002-05:00

These are the lyrics to a song by the Smashing Pumpkins that I just found, again. With their huge collection of music, sometime they get forgotten.

Would (If You Wait)
-Smashing Pumpkins

wound opens
reveal a broken man
soon notions
blood on his hands
stop, stop, pop tart
taste of your demands

if you wait, i will wait
if you taste, i will taste
if you run, i will run
if you love, i will love
to my last prayer

tomb opens
reveal a stack of gold
cool poison
the taste of growing old
sit down, downtown
in your tower of steel

if you wait, i will wait
taste, i will taste
if you run, i will run
love, i will love
to my last prayer
my last prayer
to my last prayer

wound opens
reveal a broken man
soon notions
blood on his hands

if you wait, i will wait
taste, i will taste
if you run, i will run
love, i will love
to my last prayer

if you wait
if you wait
if you wait
if you wait

Am I Fucking Insane?

2010-06-24T21:29:00.002-05:00

It's been a long running joke between my friends and I that we are all crazy. I think that's why the philanthropy girl and I get along so well. We are both these "tortured artists" and shit is just so deep it hurts. Sometimes when we hang out it really is just too much, but we love every moment of it. If someone didn't know us and was to follow us around, I can only imagine what they might think. Maybe that's why we started shooting a reality show and then lost it, for being too real. People don't really want to hear about the crap that goes on.

This week I've started taking my first real writing class. It is based around personal essays and what you need to sell them. It teaches you how to target it at a publication and how you need to alter it to make it more understandable. All I know is that I love to write, and that is probably at least half the battle.

The other night over dinner someone asked me what I wanted to write about. "What do you mean?" He asked me if I wanted to write editorials or what else there is. LOL. I replied with, "No, I want to write about myself." And It's true. I want to write about me. Not because I feel like I'm more interesting then anything else, but because I want to figure myself out. Who doesn't? I think that I probably think about figuring myself out more then the average person, but who wants to be average anyways?

It is weird to write on here and feel like I get to free so much of myself and then to take a story and try to give it structure with meaning and points. To try and make things more funny, beautiful, and sad. And anything that you say can be taken so many different ways, so you try your best to be as direct as possible.

I've only written one piece for my class so far, and it is so much harder then I thought it would be to accurately tell my story. Just when I think I can put a gold star on top of the page I find that there are unanswered questions and that "I" am making my way sound one way when I meant another. It's hard to put how you see yourself down on paper. Only in writing this story do I question my sanity. In my story I was aiming for quirky and instead I read "insane". I became defensive when really, maybe I am just a bit insane? I'd rather be insane then boring though, boring I am not.

Where am "I" in all this?

2010-06-23T13:24:00.003-05:00

With this writing class that I am taking we are asked to really dive into ourselves and talk about our feelings, where they come from and then set up a structure for telling a story. As much I share my feelings, I still cap myself at points and cover a lot of my feelings up with laughter.

How far am I willing to dive in? How much am I really able to share when I so frequently try to place blame on others for how I feel. Well, he broke my heart, he said one thing and did another, he this, and he that. Where are all the I's? Where was I when all of the signs were clearly in front of my face and blaring? Where was I when I chose what I wanted to hear and what I wanted to see? I hate to think that maybe sometimes, "I" am the problem and I create my own destiny.

I'm curious to find out why it is that when someone has issues and problems, why am I drawn to them so desperately? Why is that when someone who has their shit together I don't want anything to do with him? Eventually I hope that these few questions will be answered and hopefully the outcomes changed.

Do I only hear and see what I want to? Sometimes I question myself and then I remember moments so vividly that tell me that "No, it's not just you seeing what you want to." I can control my future to a certain degree, but not fully and not all the time. I'd like to find that calm balance, learn how to embrace myself in it.

Where am I in all this? Why does it sometimes just feel like things are all happening around me but not really to me, and then suddenly everything is happening to me and only me?

Bent For You

2010-06-21T10:07:00.002-05:00

I had forgotten all about this song until it popped up on the iPod yesterday. It's funny how many times I've heard this song in the past and found it relevant.

Bent For You
-Alanis Morissette

you're unsure and you're not ready so that must mean I want you
you're unavailable and disinterested and to you I look for comfort

a million times in a million ways I will try to change you
a million months and a million days I'll try to somehow convince you

I have waited for you and adjusted for you and I'm done
I have deferred to you and enabled you and I'm done

you're too young or you're too old or you're simply not inclined
you're asleep or you're withholding be that my cue to crave you

several times in several ways I'll try to squeeze love from you
several hours and several ways I'll feast on scraps thrown from you

I have bent for you and I've deprived for you and I'm done
I have depressed for you and contorted for you and I'm done
I have stifled for you and I've compromised for you and I'm done
I have silenced for you and sacrificed for you and I'm done

it won't be long before I am reclaimed
it won't take long and I'll be on path again
it won't be easy for us to disengage
I'm at the end of self deprivation stage

you're afraid of every woman afraid of your inner workings
you cringe at the thought of living under the same roof as me god and everything

a million times and a million ways I've tried to alter to match you
several times every several days I've tried to uncrush on you

A Happy Thing About Sad Music

2010-06-19T17:24:00.003-05:00

Would You Like to Stick It In?

I've always been someone that related with music more so then even the people around me in my life. I think it would be awesome if everyone had a headphone jack on their body, you could walk up and just plug in and listen to who they are. I wonder at times what song would be blaring from my bones. If people could really just plug into me I'm pretty most of the world would think I am crazy, all over the place, bi-polar, and maybe even beautiful.

I've found that there really is a song for every emotion that runs through your body. There is always some melody to drive you deeper and further into anything you are feeling. Time after time in acting classes I've used just a few strings to bring me to tears, make me jump up and down, make me laugh, and everything in between.

The wonderful thing about sad music is that it makes you feel like you aren't the only one in the world that has gone through something. It's not the same as misery loves company but more simply knowing that someone else has been there. It gives you hope that things will get better, it makes you feel less alone. It's awesome when a singer or song writer has a sad song followed by a happy song, it's the light at the end of the tunnel. If there was no pain, then how would you recognize happiness? And vice versa.

With my iPod being on random over the last week or so I've been reintroduced to songs that I've long forgotten and that bring so many moments back to me. My first inclination was to post the sad song that interrupted my gym work out today, but fuck it, I don't feel like being sad right now. So here is a happy kind of fun one that I burned onto a CD for one of my sisters over the weekend. Enjoy!

Thursday night,
everything's fine,
Except you've got that look in your eyes,
when I'm telling a story
And you find it boring you're thinking of something to say.
You'll go along with and then drop it
And you humiliate me, in front of our friends.

Then I'll use that voice what you find annoyin'
And say something like
"intelligent input darlin' why don't you just have another beer then?"

Then you call me a bitch and everyone we're with will be embarrassed,
and I won't give a shit.

My fingertips are holding onto the
cracks in our foundations,
and I know that I should let go,
but I can't.
And everytime we fight I know it's not right,
everytime that you're upset and I smile
I know I should forget, but I can't.

You said I must eat so many lemons,
'cause I am so bitter.
I said "I'd rather be with your friends mate,
'cause they are much fitter"

Yes it was childish
and you got aggressive
and I must admit that I was a bit scared,
but it gives me thrills to wind you up.

Your face is pasty,
'cause you've gone and got so wasted,
what a surprise,
don't want to look at your face,
'cause it's making me sick.

You've gone and got sick on my trainers,
I only got these yesterday.
Oh my gosh, I cannot be bothered with this.

Well I'll leave you there till the mornin',
and I purposely won't turn the heating on
and dear God, I hope I'm not stuck with this one.

And every time we fight I know it's not right,
every time that you're upset and I smile.
I know I should forget, but I can't.

Ramblings

2010-06-19T14:49:00.002-05:00

It's been a really long time since I've posted any sort of lyrical ramblings. With recent things that have been happening in my life it was this morning on my walk home that I had this flow of words come out of myself. I like the term "rambling", so maybe that's a perfect title for this.

Ramblings

Talking to you is emotional masterbation
Everything that comes out of your mouth I find beautiful
Even when you say how you never want to fall in love again
And how that includes with me.

If we weren't both so tortured
And really only by ourselves
Makes me wonder
Would we really conect so well?

I told you I missed you
You didn't say you missed me back
You said you had to find happiness in being alone
That way it wasn't dependent on anyone else and no one could take it from you.

I knew exactly what you meant.

I want to find that light in me as well.

Of course we had sex
You can't have a conversation like that and not feel like you want to be one for a bit,
Atleast that's how the moment happened to me.

I wonder what moments have existed to you that live in me so vividly?

It wasn't until you didn't want me to hold you after that I truely knew none of this had to do with me.

Life Lesson 6,897,457

2010-06-12T21:16:00.003-05:00

Until earlier today I had forgotten that not matter what you feel like inside, blasting a Marilyn Manson will always make you smile a little more.

"The Bright Young Things"

We'll be the worms in your apple pie
Fake abuse for our bios
Blacken our own eyes
The grass isn't greener on the other side
We set it on fire
And we have no reason why.
We set fashion, not follow
Spit vitriol, not swallow
We set fashion, not follow
Spit vitriol, not swallow
We're
Good for nothing but being
Everything that's bad
Good for nothing but being
Everything that's bad
We know who we are and what we want to say
And we don't care who's listening
We don't rebel to sell
It just suits us well
We're the bright young things
I've got my villain necktie
And a mouth of hi-fi
So sharp, I'm bleeding
from my Judas Hole
I'm the Arch Dandy
No-goodnik and I'm headed
For Crashville.
I'm most monster with my groan box
In the "Meat Show."
We set fashion, not follow
Spit vitriol, not swallow
We set fashion, not follow
Spit vitriol, not swallow
Good for nothing but being
Everything that's bad
Good for nothing but being
Everything that's bad
We know who we are and what we want to say
And we don't care who's listening
We don't rebel to sell
It just suits us well
We're the bright young things

Crashing the ether
We've got the loudest stereotype
Even neophytes deep 6 your pro-life.
We don't need to move a single prayer bone
We're so beautiful and damned
Simply as a "still life."

Perpetual rebellion with absolutely no cause
Perpetual rebellion with absolutely no cause
Perpetual rebellion with absolutely no cause
Perpetual rebellion with absolutely no cause

Stop the song and remember what you used to be
Somebody that could fucking impress me

We know who we are and what we want to say
And we don't care who's listening
We don't rebel to sell
It just suits us well
We're the bright young things

We know who we are and what we want to say
And we don't care who's listening
We don't rebel to sell
It just suits us well
We're the bright young things
Good for nothing but being
Everything that's bad
Good for nothing but being
Everything that's bad

The World is Fucking with Me

2010-06-12T16:12:00.003-05:00

Over the last week or so I've felt like the world has really been fucking with me. Throwing me up in the air and seeing how I'm going to land. Now I think that maybe the world is just trying to remind that it hasn't forgotten that I'm here.

Not the Same

2010-06-11T15:25:00.002-05:00

I've had this same thought many times before, but I always seem to forget.

Sex really just isn't the same when it is with someone you don't have any emotional feelings for. I don't know if it is possible to have actually zero feelings what so ever, but at least not in the romantic way. I think that I forget that until I have sex with someone that I actually care about and see how different and how much more fun it is. Sometimes it just seems mechanical when you don't care, it still does its purpose, but there is nothing left to feel after.

It's kind of weird that I could ever forget such a basic idea, and I'm sure I will again.

And In Not So Deep Other News...

2010-06-11T11:10:00.002-05:00

I have a great living situation at the moment. I pay a little under half of the rent and my roommate is never home. I've lived in this apartment for nearly 4 months and I think he has been here maybe a total of 5 nights. He travels a ton for work so I basically have the place to myself. Every now and then he has a friend or two that stays here because they are in town working, most of them are dancers. Over the course of the last couple weeks I was reminded or exactly why there are zero 18 year old dancers in my life. My roommate told two of his friends that they could stay in his room for 2 weeks while they trained for the upcoming Janet Jackson tour and I figured fine, no biggie. I personally know that when I am a house guest I am on my best behavior and especially when I am staying somewhere for free. Over the course of the two weeks various things got under my skin and I allowed them to just blow over as I was staying at a friends place most of the time anyways.

1. The bathroom became increasingly dirty by the day. Product and hair tools thrown all over the bathroom and hair covering the sink, floor, shower, and toilet. Also, unfamiliar hair appeared on my electric razor.

2. Pretty much every time I came home I would find the lights on, air conditioner at full blast, and/or, the tv on and NO ONE HOME. I'm not a HUGE green person, but come on. Also, it is very obvious that I recycle, there are containers to the left of the sink in the kitchen for both plastic and cardboard. So why was I finding the garbage filled with water bottles and cereal boxes? And further more, half filled take-out containers of food just sitting out all night.

3. One night I came home around midnight and found my apartment door unlocked and unhinged. I was able to just push it right open, to a breezy air conditioned empty apartment. This is New York City, who leaves a door open? Granted, I live in a nice doorman building and no one can get up without calling first, but anyone else that lives in the building could easily have come in and cleaned the place out.

4. The few times that I did stay here over the two weeks I was woken up at 9am to one of the dancers singing at the top of her lungs in the shower. One of the few conversations that we had included her telling me that Lady GaGa is the top selling musical artist and has sold over 8 BILLION albums. When I tried to correct her and assumed she meant MILLION I was told that I was wrong and it was surely 8 BILLION. The population of the Earth is just under 7 BILLION, I'm pretty sure not EVERYONE on Earth has one or more Lady GaGa albums.

5. As the week closed I was very happy to come home to an empty apartment, granted, there was garbage sitting in the kitchen, left over take-out food in the fridge (which was a step up from just sitting out), hair all over the bathroom and of course the tv and air conditioner on in my roommates room. Oh Oh, but they did happen to make his bed before they left, bravo.

6. That evening, happy to have my apartment to myself, I go to brush my teeth and behold, they took the full tube of toothpaste that I had just bought. Are you fucking kidding me?

7. This morning I also noticed that my USB to Firewire cable that I always leave in the same place is also gone. I may have misplaced it, but I doubt it. It isn't even the price as much as it is the fact that now I have to go out of my way to buy another one.

Now I am no longer 18, maybe I've forgotten what it feels like to be 18? I know that now as an "adult" I wouldn't do these things, but maybe I'm expecting too much from 18 year old performers that are staying in a luxury NYC apartment for free? And it is probably more my fault for not saying anything to them while they were staying here, I could have easily just asked them to not be loud in the morning, not use my razor, recycle, and to pick up after themselves, but should I really have to?

PLEASE NOTE, THAT IS NOT MY BATHROOM. :-)

Moving and Running

2010-06-10T14:41:00.002-05:00

A few months ago I had my mind set on moving away from New York City and starting my life over again. Again. One of the closest people in my life offered up the advice that I was maybe running away from the life I had created and just wanted to leave my problems behind. I said she was wrong, that I just thought I could be happier in the California sun. As life would work and play out, road blocks fell and stopped me from leaving the city. One road block fell and kept me for a month, then a light at the end of the tunnel and that road block faded. Then another fell and now I'm working through that. Just as I thought I saw another light at the end of the tunnel, another block falls. At this point I feel like I'm just grasping for strings and have no idea where to go or what to do. I keep thinking that there has to be some reason that I'm here in the city, that something has to be lined up for me, I refuse to think that everything doesn't have a reason. I just wish that this "thing" would become more clear because I'm really tired, I'm tired of running towards every light and thinking it is the answer, or something I've been waiting for. As another light fades and another block falls I find myself spinning in circles and again I just want to run away and leave. Start over. I'm so frustrated that I just want to sit and be left alone. I want blocks to stop falling and I want lights to stop shinning, I want to just "be", whatever that even means.

I sometimes wish that I was less emotional, or that I just cared a little bit less about everything. I'm so good at looking like there is nothing going on inside, usually because there is too much.

So maybe my friend was right, maybe I do just want to run away. Maybe I just want to start over and not have to know anyone again. Maybe I just want to drop everything I'm carrying and block it all out. I want to run because I don't know how to move past things anymore. I'm so tired of trying to move past everything and be the bigger person. I'm just tired.

You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere

Anyplace is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we'll make something
But me myself I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car
And I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We won't have to drive too far
Just 'cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

You see my old man's got a problem
He live with the bottle that's the way it is
He says his body's too old for working
I say his body's too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody's got to take care of him
So I quit school and that's what I did

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
And we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still ain't got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You'll find work and I'll get promoted
We'll move out of the shelter
Buy a big house and live in the suburbs
You got a fast car
And I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I'd always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans I ain't going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so you can fly away
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight or live and die this way

New Furniture Doesn't Let You Down

2010-06-10T13:33:00.002-05:00

He was so hurt by his past that he didn't want to even give it a chance. He didn't want to let anything possibly unknown into his life, so he bought himself a new rug and a love seat. Those two pieces of furniture were unable to hurt him and he didn't have to worry about letting them down. They were good enough to keep him happy and safe, so who was I to tell him he was wrong?

Drop

2010-06-09T00:47:00.004-05:00

I started what I thought was going to be a great entry, got a few sentences in and now I can't get anything out. My head feels full from notes that I've taken all night and now I'm not finding any release.

I had a realization today that I am constantly waiting for the ball to drop. I am constantly waiting for good things to end and I assume that nothing can really be as great as it feels. I think this comes from growing up in a house where I was always ready and waiting for the next argument. I was always anticipating the next bad thing that was going to happen and how I was going to try and fix it or make it go away. Every morning I would wake up and try to make sure no one fought on the way to school. After school I'd rush home and again try to keep everyone calm and collected. At night I hated going to sleep before everyone else because I felt as though I had to be in constant control and make sure everyone was okay. I've been doing this for so long that I do it now without even thinking. I am always anticipating the next bad thing to happen and forgetting about what I'm doing at the time. This makes me wonder how many great moments I've missed because I've been locked in anxiety and trying to save the world.

Because I am usually waiting for the next bad thing, I make mountains out of mole hills and many times I look for problems when there are none. At this point I am trying to fix things before they are even broken and in turn breaking them myself. It really hadn't dawn on me that I do these things until earlier today and suddenly it all seemed so clear, my past, my present, and the root of this way of thinking. I think that because I grew up feeling so much anxiety now it almost feels like "home" to be standing in turmoil.

There are certain moments that I wish I could make last forever, but in concentrating on what you want to last, you miss all the great moments that come after. You can't hold onto anything, so why do I try so hard to do just that?

Evolution of a Man

2010-06-05T21:05:00.003-05:00

Over the last year I've changed a ton and grown into a man that I am more proud of. I trust myself more then I ever have before and I have more power and belief in myself. I'm on the brink of doing things that I never thought I'd ever really be able and ready to do.

Of the many changes that I see within myself one of them is how I relate and handle my "relationships" with people. A lot of things that once got to me just don't anymore, and I enjoy a lot of things that I never would have been comfortable with before. In my opinion a lot of this is because of the faith and growth I've experienced, I feel like a more secure man, a more secure person in this world. I don't feel like I live on such emotionally shaky ground and I've stopped looking to other people to make me happy. In a lot of ways I've started to not only listen to myself more but to also listen to other people as well. I've grown into more acceptance of myself and there for into accepting other people for who they really are and not what I want them to be. There is a really powerfully emotional change in yourself when you can like everything about someone even if you don't agree with everything about them.

Not too long ago, earlier today, I had someone ask me what "psycho" things I've done when seeing someone. In that moment I really had to think, but as I sit alone in my apartment thinking it becomes ridiculously funny for me to think of the many things I've done. One of my largest flaws that really loves to show it's head when I'm insecure is that I get needy. I turn into a child and want to why and how come about everything. Since I have become a more secure man I am much better at controlling these urges. As much as I would like to lie and say that the urges don't exist, that would be a lie. Part of growth and change though is realizing where you have areas that you want to work on. I don't think anyone necessarily "needs" to "change" anything about themselves, but if you want to, you have to recognize what the problem is first. Because i've let the neediness take over me in the past I've definitely found myself looking like the psycho.

In the past I used to always find myself telling people what they needed to change about themselves. I was very quick to judge and tell them everything that they needed to add up to if they expected me to stick around. What person in their right mind would want to stay with someone already measuring them up? I think i was looking for someone to pick up everything I had left off and to some how "complete" me. Essentially telling the person, I need A, B, and C, and I need you to fit into them, NOW. I type this now with a smile, mainly because over the last year I've learned that everything I thought I needed seems so irrelevant.

I'm at a point where I still have negative relationship "deal breakers" pop up and I simply take a deep breath and ground myself. If anything, I have learned from my mistakes and I'm glad that I made them to begin with. Right now I am questioning my idea of what makes a "good" relationship actually "good". Being raised in middle class mid west America I have been programed that a happy home consists of a wife, husband, cat, dog, 2 cars, and 2.5 children. I wonder now, what would really make me happy? What would make Thomas wake up every morning in a relationship and be content with it? I do believe that one of the many keys to a good relationship is making a pact with your partner, a pact based on honesty, respect, and a choice to a certain degree. Everyday is not going to be roses and sunshine. I never want to go to sleep angry at the person I am with, I don't want to wake up angry, I'd just rather talk about things and take it from there. For so long in the past I've kept things bottled up and just waited for them to explode. And they always explode, you can't keep things hidden forever, life doesn't work that way.

Recently I've been questioning my belief on non-committed relationships. I've always thought that I was someone that could never handle something like that, I'm by far too jealous or maybe too insecure. I think instinctually as a man I want to "own" things, I want them to belong to me, but what beauty is in that? I think part of being with someone is wanting them to grow and expand, having a front seat to the beauty of a full show. Also, instinctually as a man, I/we want to have sex. It is a some what mechanical experience when emotions aren't involved, and emotions have definitely not been involved in every sexual experience I've ever had. With more then 50% percent of marriages ending, there has to be something missing? There has to be something that needs to change, what is the next evolutionary change in relationships? I wonder if now that I am more secure and more understanding of my needs and others, could I handle a change in my mind set? I'm honestly really confused with my thoughts because I've alway just had these ideas. Shouldn't a loving relationship be more based on honesty, trust, and respect then about a list of rules, things you are and are not allowed to do? How and where does one know to draw the lines? Are there no lines? I think that health would have to be a line, I wouldn't want to do anything that could harm my partner physically and/or emotionally. Is monogamy outdated?

Over the last year I've grown tremendously and because of this I am excited to see what the next year will bring as well.

Tracklist

2010-06-04T00:07:00.003-05:00

I'm back.

I feel pressure over the top part of my chest, like a weight pressing down on my heart. My feet are aching from walking home and then to the 42nd street pier. At almost 1 am I felt the need to get out of my apartment and to walk. The only place in this city where you can leave your apartment and find silence is where the water presses against the island walls. We have to beaches in New York City, but i wish that tonight I would have been able to walk along the sand and feel waves crash against my feet.

Finding a bench at the furthest part out I sat and looked down over the edge at the unmoving water. It was peaceful like rippling glass. I wish we could see stars from the ground in New York, but for the most part they are covered by clouds or smog or the lights from building tops. I used to have access to the rooftop of my old apartment building. Sometimes at night I would go up there with beer or wine and just sit there starring up at the stars, at the clouds, listening to the horns and sirens that would fill the night. I've always wanted to make love under the stars, in the stars, with the stars.

The world only makes sense to me when I am outside at night with just my thoughts. These are usually the moments where I have the least thoughts, where I am the most at peace. As much as I love the peace of being quiet and alone, nothing compares to the peace I feel after giving a great performance. Although the two are very different they are also very much the same. Both situations leave you breathless and out of your head. I have to stop judging myself and honer my emotions more. I think it's funny that honer looks like boner when you read it quick.

I'm back.

My right arm has the shakes and it is holding sadness for me. I feel sad inside right now and my arm has decided that it wants to take care of it for me. I can feel it moving into my shoulder and my chest. My lips start to quiver and then it hits my eyes. Single tears.

Just like that the emotion is gone because I decided to fully acknowledge it and not hide it.

I don't think of myself as a sad person, but it does seem to be a lot of fuel for me creatively. Pretty much any really intense emotion seems to be fuel for me but the ones I seem to feel the most intensely are sadness, anger, happiness, and fear. Although 3 of those 4 seem like "bad" emotions, I'm learning to not put them in categories. There are no "good" and "bad" emotions. Emotions remind us that we are alive, that we are living, breathing, experiencing and human.

I'm back.

I feel tension in my feet. My toes are pointed up and waiting for me to relax them and tell them that everything is alright. It is, my feet can relax because I'm not running anywhere. I am okay with where I am, right here, right now, sitting on my couch and in this moment.

Taking Flight

2010-05-31T09:06:00.004-05:00

Via text message this morning my intriguing sister asked me if I was already up because I had signed onto facebook at 9am. Yes, I was awake and actually by that time throwing my laundry in to be done. She told me that her and her daughter had just gone for a morning bike ride in a thunderstorm. I could instantly picture my niece half laughing and half crying, sometimes I think she gets confused on what emotion she feels and just does both. Which isn't that far off from what I do as well. I'm finding that more and more a lot of emotions are very closely related. I'm not talking love/hate, because that is so cliche and I don't feel that way. I can envision my sister telling G (my niece), that she needs to peddle and both of them going at top speed as the rain falls. My niece would be yelling for my sister to slow down and wait for her, but be trying her hardest to keep up.

My niece is 6, and it was about that time when I started biking with my father. Sometimes both of my sisters, my father and me would all go for long rides down the back dirt roads of the town I'm from. We would ride hours and every now and then we would be able to ride along some of the main "paved" roads. Most of the time my father would stop by a lake to look for fish, stop in the woods to look for deer prints, or to talk to someone we would run into. My father can talk to anyone about anything for hours. As a kid this is torture, as an adult when we go places it is still torture. I remember many nights riding the bikes around dusk, the wind in my face as we would try to speed down hills at top speed. Every now and then trying to extend my arms out to the side to feel what it might feel like to fly.

When I was a preteen I would spend 1 week a year at a church camp. I was a dorky kid and for the most part that week was spent being teased and made fun of for being different. My family didn't have a ton of money, so my clothing was never as new or brand name as the other kids, I didn't want to play sports, and I spent most of that week trying to be invisible. Out of the many weeks I spent at that camp I can really only think of two times that I actually had a good time. One of them being woken up in the middle of the night, and my cabin being taken outside to play games. One of the things we did was run across a field in the open cold night. I ran as if the world was falling apart at my feet, my hands flying out to my sides, my legs kicking so fast that I forgot I was moving at all. This is what flying was supposed to feel like. With my eyes closed I could see and feel my body lifting off the ground, I was rising above the trees that lined the field, my toes brushing past the tops of the leaves, I was above the world looking down. Eventually you have to open your eyes and the world collides with you again. The world will always collide with you again, it is unavoidable.

In an acting class I am currently taking we are learning about allowing your body to have full emotions and not cutting them off. We have learned that when you decide you only want to feel an emotion up to a 5 (for example, on a scale of 1-10), then you are not only cutting all that emotion off, but all of your emotions. You can't expect to only feel certain emotions to one degree and feel others higher. As an artist I love to feel things, even when they are shitty, because it makes me feel alive. I'm not saying that everything either needs to feel like a win or a lose, a birth or a death, but what's the point in stopping yourself from feeling anything?

In this life time I believe that I am here to have all my dreams come true, to fall in love and to learn to be happy. I am here to enjoy all the simple little moments and be content with the things I have.

I may never be able to run across a field with my arms out and lift off the ground, but I will fly.

"I want to be naked running through the streets
I want to invite this so called chaos that you'd think I dare not be
I want to be weightless flying through the air
I want to drop all these limitations at the shoes upon my feet"
-Alanis Morissette 'so-called chaos'

Damaged Goods

2010-05-25T17:49:00.003-05:00

I feel like damaged goods.

I feel broken and unfixable. Today is one of those days where I find myself asking, "why" and question after question floods my busy mind. I can't relax and I'm not sure what's beating more, my heart, my head, or me on myself. My chest is rising and falling but each breath seems to come slower then the last. I'm aching inside and I don't know how to make it rest and pass. I try to be honest and open, as much as I possibly can, but every time I have this fear of falling fast. My mind is a jumbled mess that I don't know how to begin to unravel, I'm stuck in this mind filled with unrequited babble.

I feel like damaged goods.
I feel like damaged goods.
I feel like damaged goods.

Full

2010-05-22T19:53:00.002-05:00

My brain feels full. I tried to clean it out, but nothing is flowing how I'd like it to.

Voyeur

2010-05-21T00:17:00.002-05:00

In December the last of my grandmothers passed away. In June my family is gathering over the graves of my grandfather and my uncle, both of which I never met, to spread her ashes. Someone asked me the other day if that was what my grandma wanted, and I can only assume yes, I never asked. I am thinking this is my fathers idea, or that she had told him. I do believe that it is what my grandma would have wanted, or does want. Often I've wondered if the spirits of loved ones stay with us, or when you're dead are you just dead? Gone. I don't feel my grandma here at all, I've never gotten a cold breeze or had something fly in front of my face to let me know she is with me. one might think that this is sad, but I actually find that it makes me smile. My grandma spent a large chunk of her life alone, as she wanted. So, why would she want to stay after her death? I do believe that she is somewhere better, or at least some place where she isn't carrying the pain she once did anymore.

With this gathering my semi-estranged aunt will also be making her return to my home town. We have been keeping in touch a bit over the last six months or so, but before that there were years that passed with not as much as a phone call. I was very happy to receive a phone call from her on my birthday, the best gift I was given this year. That and a camera phone photo of my fish Margaret that one of my friends has been taking care of for me. Earlier this week I had a great conversation with someone that I'm very much enjoying getting to know and at one point we were speaking about family and the tension that is carried between members of the same clan over time. For years I spent energy distancing myself from my family and only over the past few years have I really put the extra effort into getting to know them. It is one of the best things I've ever done. I don't know exactly what it was that was holding us apart but maybe sometimes you just need space? It started in high school when I got my first car and lasted until just two years or so ago. Now one of my sisters is my best friend but it takes work and effort to really mend a broken bridge. The relationships that I have with my family now are awesome, I wish i could have had the same ones growing up but then maybe it wouldn't have been so easy for me to leave home. Over the last few months I've been trying to call my aunt every do often just to check in and at first it was awkward, but now it's much easier. To get a phone call from her on my birthday almost made me cry. I really am someone that loves the little things in life. As much as I want a huge house as an adult, I'd rather have a smaller one filled with love. Yes, I realize how corny that sounds but I'm kind of a corny guy.

In June I will be traveling back to my home town to let the final pieces of my grandma find the Earth for one last time. Every time I think of her I think of The Price is Right with a smile and of course my favorite game Plenko (I probably spelled that wrong). I think of her huge dog Madison, mystery novels, how she hated mice and my sister chasing her around the yard with a dead mouse. I have no idea what her favorite food was but I know her favorite candy was chocolate covered cherries and the cookies that come in the blue tin. Her skin was soft and felt like paper to the touch, cotton candy swirls of white hair and country western movies blaring from the tv.

If I was to die tonight and given the option of stay or go, I would stay, but who would I choose to follow? I've always been one to enjoy watching people, I've always been a voyeur.

And That's Awesome

2010-04-28T18:18:00.002-05:00

I feel anxiety in my stomach
And that's awesome
I feel pain in my heart
And that's awesome
I feel a tickle in my throat
And that's awesome
I feel a tingle in my hands
And that's awesome
I feel a grin on my face
And that's awesome
I feel a smile on my face
And that's awesome
I feel a lightness in my stomach
And that's awesome
I feel a laugh jumping out of my mouth
And that's awesome
I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders
And that's awesome
I feel calm in my nerves
And that's awesome
I feel empowered through my body
And that's awesome.
I'm back.

Childhood Strobe-light

2010-03-23T18:59:00.003-05:00

I'm not sure how the time line of my life flows. I see images as if I'm watching a scene in front of my face where a strobe-light flashes only allowing me to see portions at a time. Each image is a memory, a story, but I'm not sure how they flow together or in what order they run. From the ages of 5 and 15 everything seems like a streak of color. A blur. I know there are events, but I might as well simply write them on pieces of paper and tack them to a line with my eyes close. Whatever order they happened to line up in may as well be the truth.

I've been trying to write about my childhood and my parents divorce. I simply see images and hear noises in my head. I remember a line of dialogue or I see a toy I once had and hear something in the distance. At times it feels like I'm wondering down a dark hallway and desperately trying to find a light switch. Every now and then when I was growing up we would lose electricity in the house. Instantly everything would go black and silent. I used to be terrified of silence and now I embrace it openly. Whenever the power would go out I'd be instantly dropped into a pool of anxiety, fear, I'd freeze and instantly start crying. When the lights would come back I'd run around the house as if a murder had been committed and I had to find the culprit. Even as a child I felt like I could easily be in control of everything, I was directing the flow of the world and any mishap on my watch was my fault.

After my parents divorce I stopped playing because I was afraid that any time I left a room things would happen that I couldn't control. I hated leaving my sisters in the same room as my mom without me because I knew how angry they were. I hated to be in the car because I had this irrational fear that someone was going to get angry, grab the wheel and plow the car off the road into the deep ditches that lined the roads around our house.

At a young age I learned to live with this feeling of constant anxiety. There was a period a few years ago where I basically stopped eating because sitting at a table brought back too many arguments in my head. Even eating now at times makes me sick.

The only guidance I can remember getting growing was "give it to God". As if any problem in the world could simply be prayed about and all would be taken care of. I wonder why God never took my anxiety or let me know everything was going to be ok. It's funny, everything really does end up being ok.

Sometimes I still feel like the child standing in the dark waiting for the lights to come on. Most of the time now I'm able to find the switch though and nothing makes the lights come back on like silence.

"Because I Can't Not"

2010-03-23T16:13:00.003-05:00

In this week I have been told that my writing is narcissistic and by another told that I write with my heart on my sleeve. I am both, locked in my head and constantly thinking along with being very open and I do wear my heart on my sleeve. Until recently I would have never admitted that I do such a thing, but I'm not sure why. What in my head tells me that doing so is a negative thing. Why do I choose to have such a rough exterior. Simply put, one could say that I am willing, but scared, only willing to a point.

In a recent conversation with a friend over mexican food, I was asked by to say "You have a great relationship, why can't I, why can't I find someone too?" Granted, there are circumstances that surround this conversation that I'm unable to really talk about at this time, but I didn't want to say it. I did end up saying it, bluntly, emotionless, lifeless. My fear was that someone would see this and think that I am weak, unable to take care of myself, needy. Why am I afraid to admit that I would actually like to be in a relationship? What is it that clicks in my head and makes me equate a want of someone else in my life to share things with and weakness? I don't feel as though I NEED someone, but what if I did? Would that also make me weak?

In relationships, I like the quiet moments, I like cuddling. I enjoy moments where things don't need to be said. I enjoy saturday nights watching horror movies, eating popcorn and I love to eat at Dallas BBQ. One day I would like a house with a white picket fence, children, a backyard with a tree house and family dinners. I hate to admit it because I feel as though I could have anything in the world that I want, but I actually want the "American Dream", or rather, my dream.

Central Park

2010-03-20T17:39:00.003-05:00

Over the past 7 years in NYC I've visited Central Park for many different reasons and I've done a million different things there.

I've smoked pot and ate sushi on the rocks, read the Harry Potter series, drank beer while catching up with an old friend, had picnics, and even taken a paddle boat ride on a first date. I've never played frisbee in the park, although I'd like to. I filmed one of my first student films in the park by the Alice in Wonderland statue, and a boy told me that he loves me in Shakespeare's castle.

When I was a child we visited NYC and one of the places we went to see was Shakespeare's castle, I remember vividly looking out at the roof tops and seeing the city. I remember thinking that one day I would live there, one day I'd be able to come to the castle. I pictured myself just sitting and thinking. I sit and think a lot.

Last fall I went to the park with my friends to watch The Wizard of Oz, we stuffed out faces and ended up sitting on the ground outside of the arena because we showed up to late to get in. We should have brought wine, but we didn't.

My friend T and I went to the park one night in the early morning, 3am. We sat on a hill and smoked a coupled joints, we talked about nothing and everything. It's a memory that has almost no point, but I cherish it and that time spent with him.

When I actually stand back from my head and think about the park, there are a million memories, but it seems that every time I enter the park I am most simply drawn back to an experience a couple years ago in which I went on a date in the park. We walked and talked for what felt like hours and still like no time at all. I think it was in that walk that I started to truly fall for him. I remember fondly a moment in which he stopped, stepped in my path and just pulled me in for a kiss. It was like the world went silent for seconds.. I stepped back and smiled, looked at my feet and then continued to walk. He took my hand and we walked for a long time through spinning stones.

I hate that the first thought I have of the park is this memory. I want it to fade and I want to not feel saddened when I enter the park. I sometimes love and sometimes hate how much my mind holds onto things. It is as though I am in control of myself, but only to a point. Maybe it is the fact that I hold onto such memories that makes me who I am?

I do sit and think a lot, I am always thinking. People ask me a lot why I don't smile more, and it isn't that I'm sad, it is that I'm thinking. The next time you are really deep in thought, think about the expression on your face. I've thought about responding to these people that I don't even know who ask, give them the truth, they'd probably get more then they bargained for. And that moment, it might make me smile. :-)

Adult Play Time

2010-03-11T07:54:00.005-06:00

"We like to watch you laughing" -MGMT 'kids'

I wish that every morning I would wake up with as much enthusiasm and excitement as I am today. I slept so badly last night just because I couldn't wait for today to get here. Now it is here and I'm writing because it's nice to write when I'm happy sometimes too and not being overly introspective.

I have a large scale audition this afternoon and I am totally excited for it. I'm slightly nervous but not like I used to get. I think that I'm actually starting to trust myself more and my choices. I'd starting to actual live when I act and not allow it to feel forced or fake. Maybe I just needed a little time for all my training to drop in and solidify. Along with that, I feel a ton more confident then I even did 6 months ago with everything in my life.

I have heart, I have courage, I have a brain, and there is no place like home. :-)

Love,
The Corny Man of Oz

Resistance

2010-03-09T19:37:00.003-06:00

I am sometimes amazed by my resistance to let go of certain memories. The few simple notes of even one song can bring back smells, sights, feelings, and complete stories. I attach a song to everyone that has ever been in my life. Everyone has a chorus, a break, a beginning, middle and for many an end. This attachment of songs to human relationships leads me to wonder what part of these relationships are part of actuality, part in my head, and part coming from a song? Do the songs I attach to people simply become things that I wish had existed, but stories that never did?

I like that I attach songs to people, it's so easy to take myself back to the history and to write from it. It is easy for me to get emotional and remember every thought that was in my head at the time. I only attach songs to people though, never situations. Today I was writing about the first time I slept with someone that I didn't care about. I remember specifically that I slept with the person because I wanted to know what it felt like to sleep with someone that I didn't care about. I had only slept with three people for that and I had been dating those three people. I had thought that I was in love, and I wanted to know what sex, just sex felt like. So I did, I slept with someone for the first time just because I could, because I had no reason not to. I remember how disappointed I was after, not disappointed because it had been bad, but disappointed because it didn't feel that different at all. I had expected that perhaps I would hate it, feel raped, be mad at myself, or even sad, but I wasn't. I can remember every thought in my head, but i can't remember what song I had been listening to that day.

Oddly enough, I remember that time I had sex with more detail then i do even the first time I had actual sex.

Health Food

2010-03-08T23:08:00.003-06:00

Everyday I have the best of intentions when it comes to writing. Unfortunately not everyday am I able to come to a blank anything and throw myself out onto it. This is frustrating beyond belief. In my mind I expect myself to begin at one sitting and get up with a finished product. I expect my first try to be my only try. This, of course, only blocks me. I am afraid to make a mistake, there for I cut myself off from the beginning. I end up decapitating myself before I've even gotten a word in at all.

This week I reconnected with a friend that I really haven't spoken to in a while. He has a tendency to come and go in my life. He comes around and then he disappears with no contact, no response, nothing. Then suddenly, as if out of nowhere he appears again. I always know what the story is though. He goes on meth binges. He was the first friend I had in New York outside of school and I still consider him to be one of my best friends. I have this fear in the back of my mind that one of these times when I don't hear back from him, that I am never going to again.

Not Every Sex Story is Not Going to be Fun

2010-03-04T19:10:00.003-06:00

For the last week I've been working hard at putting together my book of dating and sex stories. I cringe when people assume it is anything like Sex and the City. It is not. This has been a goal of mine for some time and I've slowly been working at it. Only recently has it become a real true vision in my head and something I see as tangible.

For the most part it has been very fun for me, very informative, even for myself. It's interesting to see how I actually work in situations and how they turn out. It's interesting for me to actually admit that I am a little crazy. I am totally delusional about certain people in my past, present and probably future. I don't see this as weakness, I just see it. I like to assume that I am as real to certain people as they have been to me. I am not. I have a strong tendency to ignore things about people that I don't like and make up things that I want to believe. I always think that I can stare into someone's eyes and know their life story. This isn't true. But I am convinced that I can feel someone else's skin through their eyes.

Today I wrote about a story that actually tugs at my heart. I found myself confessing to a love that I hid from even myself. I found myself exploring the thought process of what goes through my head when I kiss someone I care about. I picture the future in detail, things I can't possibly know. I live in a fairy tale in my head.

I have to stop sleeping with people that are in relationships.

To the Blank Page

2010-03-02T09:11:00.002-06:00

One of my friends and I recently had a conversation about coming to a blank page and feeling as though you have to be in a certain mood to write. I know that this isn't necessarily true, but partially for sure. I think that is depends on what you want to write about. I don't think that in any mood what so ever I could sit down and write about whatever I wanted to. As in at this moment, I'd like to continue and write on the project that I have been, but I can't seem to find the words within myself. The blank document in my Word programs stares at me and haunts me for moments and I can't seen to attack it. To shut my computer is to say that the document won. To go to the gym, eat more, watch tv, and etc, all point to the same fact of walking away.

Today I refuse to let this blank page stare me down and win. I refuse to be over thrown by a document without a name and it will have a name, as soon as I give it one.

Basket Case

2010-02-28T14:58:00.002-06:00

This song has been on repeat on my iPhone for a while. I think it actually describes me pretty well.

Basket Case by Green Day

Do you have the time
To listen to me whine
About nothing and everything
All at once
I am one of those
Melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone
No doubt about it

Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid?
Am I just stoned?

I went to a shrink
To analyze my dreams
She says it's lack of sex
That's bringing me down
I went to a whore
He said my life's a bore
So quit my whining cause
It's bringing her down

Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid?
Uh, yuh, yuh, ya

Grasping to control
So I better hold on

Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid?
Am I just stoned?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUTGr5t3MoY

Memories

2010-02-27T20:46:00.002-06:00

As I jump further and further into my past to bring it into the future, I notice there is more and more there then I had ever expected.

I'm finding myself tearing up at the thought of a beautiful boys eyes looking at me. I find myself searching for memories that are sometimes so unclear that I'm not sure if they ever really existed or if just the haze of the idea of them existing at all.

I am constantly surprised by the emotional sparks that I find in myself with memories that I was sure had been put in my past.

Sometimes painful, but even in that I find this beautiful release that makes it all worth it.

3 Days of Falling

2010-02-26T17:17:00.002-06:00

"Today is the greatest day I've ever known" -Smashing Pumpkins

I'm sure that I have quoted that song a million times on this blog. If not, then I have thought of it at least a million times. Not too long ago I saw an interview will Bill Corgan and he spoke about how when he wrote "today" he was living in a storage unit and he wrote it as a joke. It was the most depressing time of his life and the song was supposed to be ironic in sorts.

Today I am more grateful for my friends then I think I have been in a very long time. Sometimes I take them granted, and sometimes I don't give them the attention and care that they need and deserve. At times I also don't give myself the attention and care that I need. Life has been coasting by lately and I haven't really been taking the time to smell the roses and really immerse myself in the world.

Recently I've been emotionally detached and uncomfortable in my own skin.

I easily emotionally detach myself from things so that they are easier to deal with. Lately I have been lonely. I've been having sex, but not the kind that really counts. The kind where you actually want the person to stay the night. The kind where you love to cuddle and wish the morning would never come. It's been a long time since I've felt that way about another person. I don't want a relationship just to have one, in fact, I am totally fine being single. I love being single. But, lately its been snowing in NYC, doesn't romance always seem a little more necessary when it snows? Doesn't it require some sort of organic love energy?

In my new apartment I live on the 28th floor, just outside of Time Square. Two of my wall in my bedroom are all windows, floor to ceiling. I have a breath taking view of Manhattan. Yesterday I woke up and the sky was so filled with snow that I could hardly see the streets below. The people walking with their umbrellas were basically invisible. Flakes of snow fell with the speed of light and crashed to the streets. Huge flakes, so large that I could almost make out the formation of the snow from where my head rested on my pillow. It's moments like that where I wonder if the snow would be more beautiful if someone were laying next to me. It's moments like that where I smile to myself. Although I love the idea of someone watching the sky with me, I am content with myself watching the sky. It's moment like this where I know that my sky is limitless and that this moment just now, this moment, it's just the beginning. And the next moment can be whatever I want it to be.

I can be whatever I want to be.

Spinning

2010-02-26T10:36:00.002-06:00

I've had so much spinning around in my head recently, it feels like a whirlwind of life flying before me. I don't mind. In fact, I'd rather be too busy then not busy at all. I'm definitely someone that likes to have a lot of projects going on at the same time. The trick though I've found, is actually finishing them. I have a tendency to get things half done and then move onto the next. This is going to stop now.

I have been working on writing a bunch of short stories recently in hopes of having them published in the near future. They are coming along pretty well, and I'm actually really excited to be working on them. It's semi crazy to think that one day someone might actually read the stories about me and know more then perhaps I even want them to. But, if you aren't open and free, how can anyone relate with you at all? I feel that the most influential people in media are the ones that you can relate with and feel some common ground. I wish we could all be more open and exposed. The world would by far be more interesting. What would happen if we all decided to share our stories and experiences?

At moments in writing I find myself thinking about what my family, friends, co-workers, and people I don't even know might say or think. Those are moments where I close my eyes, and type faster, typing for myself, because that is actually who I am writing for. I'm writing because I have to get it out of my head, I have to get it out of my body and at the moment it seems that if I don't, I might burst. I feel as though sometimes I have to constantly be sharing and releasing or I go crazy in my head.

I'd rather have my head working too much instead of not working at all.

Spinning, my head is spinning. I'm trying to keep in under control, but I love the feeling of losing control. So spin away.

Hmmmm

2010-01-26T18:14:00.002-06:00

Some things are just not worth it.

And so life goes on.

DNR

2009-12-13T15:35:00.002-06:00

DNR

Today I got a call from my dad telling me that my grandmother isn’t improving. They are taking her off all life support and basically letting her go.

At best my grandmother would have been in a wheelchair and need constant taking care of. She never would have wanted that. My grandmother has been the most independent woman I’ve ever known. I wonder if I get some of my wisdom and power from her?

Her husband died years ago, and one of her children. I don’t think she has many friends left, and at best they are the kind that randomly call just to keep in touch.

I wonder what death feels like. Is she trapped in her body right now, unable to communicate but just see what’s around her? Can she even move her eyes to see anything anymore? Maybe she’s just floating above her body, waiting. I wonder if this like when you are really excited to go on a vacation, sitting in the airport, waiting for boarding. She is just waiting for her plane to take off. I wonder if she is trying to say good-bye, and excited to say hello to her dead family and friends again?

Where do we go when we die? Do we just evaporate into air and our energy gets spread out? Do “we” actually go somewhere or just carry on? This isn’t a question of God, because God exists in all these ideas. How can everyone that’s ever lived die and yet me know so little about it?

It’s raining in New York City today, the rain is pouring down. It’s the kind of day that you just sit inside and hope it stops soon. Being in the rain reminded me of how great it feels to let the rain fall on you. I took my umbrella and let the drops cover me. It’s this feeling that everything will be ok. Everything can be washed away, and we can all start over. My grandmother will never stand in the rain again. She will never feel the drops hit her skin and feel like everything is ok. She will never smell flowers again. My grandmother will never sit in front of The Price is Right and yell out the prices, or turn the page of another bad mystery novel.

I think she is ready to go. I think she has been ready for a while. I wish I could have known my grandmother as a person, I wonder what secrets she has and stories that she’s never told anyone.

The last time I spoke to my grandma was December 2nd, and only for 5 minutes. I told her that I bought my plane ticket and couldn’t wait to see her. She was excited and told me that she loved me.

I guess I’m going to be waiting for that plane longer then I had expected.

My Grandma is Dying.

2009-12-10T21:51:00.005-06:00

I am supposed to go and visit my grandma next Monday. Not in 4 days, but in 11. I've was planning on going to visit her a few months, but I kept putting it off. It's not that I found reasons not to, as much as that I was going through a break up and then I started a new job.

I've been working on the Artist's Way and part of that is grabbing life by the balls. I've been trying to keep in touch with people that I've lost touch with and stay connected with those that I love. I called my grandma and bought a plane ticket to go and visit her for Christmas. My plan was to leave on the 21st from NY, visit her for a few days and then head to Michigan to see my parents and sisters.

I got a call today.. my grandma is in the hospital. My aunt, that I haven't had a conversation with in years, found her laying unconscious on the floor. She wasn't moving, but she was alive. She called an ambulance and now my grandmother is laying in a hospital bed. She isn't talking, or moving, and I don't know what that means. Is it a coma, can you be in a coma at 90?

I feel sad.

But I also don't feel much of anything. I love her. I have had some great conversations with her, and I'm 25. I've known her all of my life, so why do I feel so little? Should I feel more? Should I be crying in a corner? Should tears be streaming down my face? Why do I feel guilty for feeling less?

My grandma was married once, he died before I was born. She never remarried. She lived the rest of her life alone, what if that happens to me? Am I dead inside? Sometimes I think so.

She loved mystery novels, the really shitty ones that only old people read. She LOVES them. She would read them all day long, I think they were her family in a sense. She made me want to read. I saw how much she loved them and how much she took away from them. She made me want to explore the world, explore things beyond my backyard.

I never saw my grandma cry.

Why aren't I crying now? Is it a missing gene? Why can I cry over some stupid relationship that didn't work out, but when it comes to death in the family I am like stone? Why do I feel like I'm outside looking in?

My grandma loves chocolate covered cherries and those dry cookies that come in a tin.

My grandma asked me a few years ago, "Do you have a special friend?" She knew I was gay and cared enough to ask me if I had someone special in my life. I didn't. I told her so, and I could see sadness in her eyes. I reminded her that she didn't have a boyfriend either, she laughed and said that she had enough romance in her life. Can you ever have enough romance in your life?

What if I'm 90 and die alone on my kitchen floor?

Finally, some tears.

Blueberry Muffins

2009-12-09T14:16:00.000-06:00

So, I'm making blueberry muffins today. And I'm very excited. It's been a while since I've made them and I love them to death. Might not seem important, but, I'm really dorky. So, it makes perfect sense! :-)

T

Crushing

2009-12-06T21:52:00.002-06:00

I just had this idea
Maybe it was a vision?
I saw the same place
Maybe a couple new windows
A dog
A life
An idea
Honestly, I thought it'd fit really nice
I was under the influence
Maybe you could change
Maybe I could leave myself
Again
Maybe abandon it all
Again
I thought maybe
Under this influence
I thought maybe we could be the dream
This idea
This thing
This everything in the world that says we can't
That's what I wanted from you
I wanted you to complete my fantasy
And now I know
It's completely unrealistic
Its not your fault
It's all me
I wanted it perfect
I wanted what you showed me
I wanted what you said you could be
Not what you showed me
I wanted life
I wanted fearlessness
I wanted your freedom
I wanted to help you and share your pain
I wanted to be there for you when you were sad
I wanted to hold your hand
I swear I did
And life seems unfair
With every snowflake I see
I keep thinking you might be hiding
But you're not
I keep thinking
A snowflake
We'll call it a sign
I keep thinking one day we will be safe and sound
But like every flake
Every piece that I see
We are both fragile
And we both clearly break at every seam.

Life... or Something?

2009-11-29T21:45:00.002-06:00

Lately I've been on this self help kick, self recovery. All those crazy new age things, and honestly, THANK GOD. I am tired, but I feel emotionally and mentally worked out. Usually I just go to the gym, but lately, it's been a full body thing, mind, soul, all of the above.

I've seen my arms get larger, my chest as well. I've seen my legs grow in size, but only recently do I feel my heart and my soul expanding. It is one of the most amazing feelings in the world. I can't believe that I'm 25 and just now finding all these wonderful things out.

If you've been wondering where I've been, I started doing The Artist's Way and I started a blog with one of my friends. I try to update everyday and have so far been doing really great. Check it out if you're into it. If you have any idea what The Artist's Way is, then def chime in.

I might not know you, but if you're taking the time to read any of this random blog, then I'm sure part of me loves you.

Thomas

http://www.2ArtistsWay.blogspot.com

Why I Blog

2009-11-12T10:10:00.002-06:00

I blog because I love it. I blog because it is an outlet for me. I blog because it in a small way allows me to put part of my heart out into the world. I blog because I love to write. I blog because when I am finished I feel better about everything and everyone in my life. I blog because it is what I love to do.

Everyone blogs, I just choose not to live in my head with it so much. I'd rather put it out into the world.

Psychologist?

2009-11-09T22:04:00.002-06:00

Today I went to my second session with a psychologist. I've been in and out of therapy since I were a child and my parents got a divorce. I don't think there is anything wrong with therapy at all, in fact, I truly think that EVERYONE should do and talk to one at some point. But, this one did not work for me. In fact, she ended up making me feel as there really was something "wrong" with me. She told me that all the creative empowering work I've been doing is just to cover the surface, I'm deluded and simply choosing to ignore who I really because I don't want to change. HUH? I walked into her office feeling great, my day was awesome, and I have been working really hard to turn all my negative thoughts and emotions into positive ones.

I told that ultimately, I want to wake up in the morning and be happy. I realize that this is semi ridiculously and that no one is happy all the time. I don't mean that I want to walk around with a huge smile on my face for the rest of my life, but simply that I'd like to have a rather sunny outlook in general. She told me that all the meditation work, the light work, the Artist Way, it is all just covering my real issues that I clearly don't want to dig up and discover. I guess she is partially right, I don't feel like talking about how I don't feel like made my father proud growing up. I already know I feel this way, I can't change that, but why is it so bad to want to simply change how you look at it? She is right, I don't want to cry about every incident that happened to me when I were 5 years old and so on. I don't want to rediscover true pain, I don't want to leave an office every week feeling like shit.

I want to be happy. i don't care how I get there, but yes, I want to be happy. What's so wrong with that? I am carving out my own creative path and starting to really feel good about myself inside, so why was she making it sound as though it is pointless? She told me that there is nothing she can do for me, that I clearly don't want to change, that I have walls up, and its my own choice. She told me that I would take years and years of deep psychological treatment to deal with all my issues and that I don't have the commitment to do so.

Ummm, I know I'm a little complicated and that I can be depressed, but to tell me that I have years and years of issues to deal with seems kind of extreme. She then basically told me that I needed to leave, that there was nothing she could do for me, and that if I wanted to just be happy then I should contact a cognitive behavioral therapist. When I asked her if she had one that she might recommend she said, "no, I don't work with those types of people". At no point did she show any emotion at all that she cared about what I were going through or trying to change. In fact, our session ended twenty minutes early, I paid for the entire thing, and on my way out I said, "have a good night, thank you". Her reply, "Shut the door on your way out, I have a message here I need to listen to".

As I've said, I've been to many therapist, and none, NONE, have ever been to cold hearted and seemingly judging. I understand that there are different types of therapy and that all "specialist" specialize in different types and kinds, but I feel as though the way she addressed me was not even as a human being.

Overall, I just feel as though it was a huge waste of time and money. I went in there thinking that I get a little depressed sometimes and I want to make it better. She left me feeling angry and mad, as though there is some deeply rooted psychological issues that I will never overcome and my entire life will be filled with darkness, and it's all my fault.

Basically, I think she was just a cunt.

Meditation

2009-11-08T18:40:00.002-06:00

I just did an amazing meditation. I haven't felt this warm, safe, and loved in a very long time. I am smiling ear to ear.

Flowers

2009-11-07T17:21:00.001-06:00

I love getting flowers. This might sounds girly, but who cares, flowers are pretty and awesome. I was walking along the street today and I walked by one of the many deli's with flowers in front. I remembered a time when I had gotten flowers and it made me smile. I continued down the block and thought, maybe again one day. Then it hit me, fuck it! I turned around and bought myself flowers. Why should I wait for someone to to do something for me that I can clearly do myself? So now, once again, my apartment has flowers. And they make me smile.

2009-11-07T03:54:00.002-06:00

To K: I hate being gay. I really do. I'm not even that drunk at all. But seriously, I hate being gay. I hate how petty people are, I hate coke, I hate how everyone cheats, I hate how people just want to look cool. I want a good job, a house, some kids, a car, a family. A fucking white picket fence, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

All I have left to say is, "you live, you learn."

2009-11-07T03:10:00.001-06:00

Dear Marc Sinoway, I wish I'd just listened to you from the beginning. You were right.
Xoxo,
Thomas.

2009-11-05T12:27:00.001-06:00

I think part of the reason we are mean to one another is because we want to be remembered. Even if in a bad way, we don't want to be forgotten. No one wants to be left behind.

Hurting People

2009-11-04T23:40:00.002-06:00

I've hurt people. There was a girl in 5th grade that I made fun of once for being over weight because I knew she had weight issues and she was being a bitch to me. I knew my words would hurt her more then anything she could possibly say to me, and I was right. In this instant, I went out of my way to hurt her, and I did. It was intentional and I've always felt bad about it. I was a close friend to her, I knew how she were vulnerable and I used it to destroy her for a small amount of time.

As an adult, I've hurt people in other ways, more unintentional ways. As a human, it happens. People can't always see eye and to eye, and even when you don't try, someone can easily get hurt. I've been on both sides of the table, so know I just try to be open and honest all the time. I try not to hide things in corners and I let my emotions be known. If you are honest all the time, then you can't "hurt" someone as much as just dropping a bomb.

I feel like it has been a while since I've said or done something to intentionally cause someone else pain. And it is the worst when it happens to you. It leaves you wondering why? Was it a payback of some sort? Why is there so much anger there? What happened to how you cared about me?

Why is it that we pull peoples strings in the worst most vulnerable ways, just because we can?

If I've ever hurt you, and you're reading this now, I'm sorry. Unless you were that girl from 5th grade, or some other isolated incident, I probably didn't mean to. And in the end, who is really the one left hurting?

This song has never been my favorite Alanis song, but for now, it just seems the most fitting.

FLINCH

What's it been over a decade?
It still smarts like it was four minutes ago
We only influenced each other totally
We only bruised each other even more so

What are you my blood? You touch me like you are my blood
What are you my dad? You affect me like you are my dad

How long can a girl be shackled to you
How long before my dignity is reclaimed
How long can a girl stay haunted by you
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name

Where've you been? I heard you moved to my city
My brother saw you somewhere downtown
I'd be paralyzed if I ran into you
My tongue would seize up if we were to meet again

What are you my god? You touch me like you are my god
What are you my twin? You affect me like you are my twin

How long can a girl be tortured by you?
How long before my dignity is reclaimed
And how long can a girl be haunted by you
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name

So here I am one room away from where I know you're standing
A well-intentioned man told me you just walked in
This man knows not of how this information has affected me
But he knows the colour of the car I just drove away in

What are you my kin? You touch me like you are my kin
What are you my air? You affect me like you are my air

Starting to Love Myself

2009-11-04T15:08:00.002-06:00

It's recently been brought to my attention that I don't love myself enough. And I didn't really think about it before, but it's true. I think I'm a fun guy and genuinely nice to people for the most part. I might come off slightly cold, but I think that's more of a shield then it is me being mean. I don't need everyone to like me anyways, I can't control other people, but only myself.

In the past few days I'm been trying to really pick up and notice when I mentally dog myself down, shut myself off, play the victim, and basically am negative to myself and to other people. I definitely use it as a way to "protect" myself, but I'd like to stop. I need to stop making fun of other people all the time (just to my friends, never to anyones face), and I need to stop making fun of myself. I am by far too hard on myself for acting and doing the things that I want to. Saying you are going to stop something that has been imprinted in you since birth is much easier said then done though.

I am meditating, on a lot of thing. One being to let go of a relationship, one of becoming a positive person, on dealing with anxiety and stress, and many more. They have helped immensely.

The letting go of a relationship one really helps you in unlocking and realizing that people are in your life for a certain reason and a certain amount of time for a purpose. It helps you to find that reason and allows you to just mentally release the person from all chains you may still have wrapped on them.

The positive person one sort of implants a chip in your head that makes you notice when you are being negative. I've started to make a not of what I've thought and then think of the opposite and make it a positive affirmation. This is difficult and makes me laugh sometimes, but then I start laughing and therefore I am happy again. This also makes me think less negative things about myself.

Dealing with anxiety and stress just seems to make me really calm after. It erases all the pain in my stomach and makes it easier to breathe.

There are a ton more and each last for approximately 25 minutes. I recommend checking out OrinDaben.com to see if you want to try any of them.

Yes, it seems like a lot of work. But when you actually want to change something about yourself, shouldn't it be work? Yes, you should be who you are, who you want to be. But what if who you've become isn't who you used to be? Or you want to be happy? Yes, make the changes, why not? You only live once, so go for it! I decided that I don't want to be unhappy anymore, I don't want to be negative, I don't want to blame other people for my insecurities, I don't want to drink through my problems, i want to deal with them and I want to get them out of my life so I can grow to be the amazing person that I know I can be.

I am officially starting to love myself, I'm starting today.

A Million Little Pieces

2009-11-04T11:16:00.002-06:00

Although I clearly am stealing the title of this blog from the title of a book, it has nothing to do with one another.

All I feel like saying is that all the little pieces have started to add up, and everything seems so much clearer. I'm happier today then I have been in a long time. I am looking forward to moving and just getting away from a lot of things and a lot of people. Although I am def not running from anything, I am running towards something, myself, my dreams, my life as I want it to be.

I feel as though I should be saying thank you to everyone and everything. Good or bad, right or wrong, it is all helping me to make the decisions and choices that I should be.

So, thank you.

"why do I feel frantic when I first wake up in the morning
why do you say you are spiritual, yet you treat people like shit
How can you say you're close to God, and yet you talk behind
my back as though I'm not a part of you"

-Alanis Morissette 'These R the Thoughts'

Why Does It Always Rain on Me?

2009-11-02T21:16:00.002-06:00

After ingesting a pot brownie, that I somehow managed to purchase at Wendy's, I found myself sitting in my apartment until almost 7am sharing all my life with someone that I really don't know that well. Oddly enough, the weirdest thing about the situation was that I was eating Wendy's. I have a tendency to share too much, or just rattle off at the mouth. I don't even really see an issue with that, for the most part I think I'm pretty interesting. Or that i at least have some sort of story telling capability. "If you could have any super power, what would it be?" Did I answer "story telling capability"? If so, perhaps it is a weak power, or I need an editor.

Further along in the evening/early morning I was told that a song called "Why Does it Always Rain on Me" is "my song". Having actually known what this song was, I found myself being slightly offended, but then just laughed. In the actually amount of time that this person has known me, I have felt that it was constantly raining on me. I've been beating myself up and I've been depressed. This isn't something new to me, and therefore I just take it in stride. I know it will pass, and I don't notice what I project to other people for the most. Mainly I'm sure because I'm too busy locking myself away in my head.

Of course I listened to the song again and it made me laugh even harder. "Why does it always rain on me, is it because I lied when I was seventeen". I am CONSTANTLY looking for a reason for every little thing that happens in my life. I think life is a little more random then that, but maybe it is all pre-calculated? I don't know if I believe in "roots", but there is a constant cause and effect for life.

Here is the video and the lyrics.

P.S. I recently was having an amazing dinner with two of my friends up in Harlem. We were talking about how when you are growing up your parents say things like, "If you think you have it bad now, just wait until you're an adult." Fuck that, being a kid was rough, I enjoy being an "adult".

Travis
Why Does It Always Rain On Me?

I can't sleep tonight
Everybody saying everything's alright
Still I can't close my eyes
I'm seeing a tunnel at the end of all these lights

Sunny days
Where have you gone?
I get the strangest feeling you belong
Why does it always rain on me?
Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?
Why does it always rain on me?
Even when the sun is shining
I can't avoid the lightning

I can't stand myself
I'm being held up by an invisible man
Still life on a shelf when
I got my mind on something else

Sunny days
Where have you gone?
I get the strangest feeling you belong
Why does it always rain on me?
[ Travis Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?
Why does it always rain on me?
Even when the sun is shining
I can't avoid the lightning

Oh, where did the blue skies go?
And why is it raining so?
It's so cold
I can't sleep tonight
Everybody's saying everything's all right
Still I can't close my eyes
I'm seeing a tunnel at the end of the lights

Sunny days
Where have you gone?
I get the strangest feeling you belong
Why does it always rain on me?
Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?
Even when the sun is shining
I can't avoid the lightning
Oh, where did the blue skies go?
And why is it raining so?
It's so cold
Why does it always rain on me?
Why does it always rain on....

2009-11-02T12:00:00.001-06:00

I feel that very often I like the idea of someone more then I like the actual person.

Damn VH1

2009-11-01T22:46:00.003-06:00

The end of Tool Academy Season 2 is coming to a close... luckily there is a new season of Tough Love coming up... Part of me really hates that I can't help but watch these shows. Part of me is very happy they are doing another season of Tough Love. Part of me is still annoyed Megan Wants a Millionaire was cut off. And part of me makes me want to turn off my cable service, clearly I don't know my limits with what to waste my time on.

2009-10-31T15:24:00.001-05:00

I love the taste and smell in the air before a good storm.

2009-10-30T23:12:00.001-05:00

90 days til I move to California. Put down Jan 31, it's a Sunday, it's a party night. And you're all invited.

2009-10-29T21:49:00.001-05:00

Someone told me that my spirit guides name is Michael. She then went on to tell me that Michael said I can be over dramatic at times. Michael, he knows me well.

2009-10-29T12:17:00.001-05:00

From accross the couch she looked into my eyes. I felt them penetrate my skull and enter my thoughts. Before I could say anything she asked me, "Why are you depressed?" I thought for a moment and responded, "I didn't know I was." With a smile, "Well, how long have you felt the world on your back, like you can't get enough sleep, like you don't want to leave your home or work on the things you know you should?" I cringed, "My whole life I've felt the way I do now." I laughed, picked up the perscription and left the office.

2009-10-25T13:40:00.001-05:00

Thomas has decided to look at his life as a Choose Your Own Adventure book. LA, California, 2/1/10.

2009-10-25T13:28:00.001-05:00

Why does fantasizing about punching certain people in the face make me smile? I'm not even in a bad mood.

2009-10-24T13:32:00.001-05:00

Dear Foo Fighters,
Where have you been my entire life?

Love,
TW

2009-10-24T00:22:00.001-05:00

Rinse and repeat...

Lets Be Friends

2009-10-22T17:48:00.002-05:00

friend [frend]
–noun
a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

boy⋅friend [boi-frend]
–noun
1. a frequent or favorite male companion; beau.
2. a male friend.
3. a male lover.

Why is it so hard/impossible to go directly from "boyfriend" to "friend"? I have decided that the determining factor is the physical aspect of the relationship that has to change. Or is it not? I have many friends that I would only call a friend that I have cuddled with, which is very physical, but never a boy/girl(friend). Why is it that when you attach the sex of the person to the "friend" that it becomes something more intimate? The above definitions are from dictionary.com, and notice, the first (1) definition of boyfriend is "a frequent or favorite male companion; beau". I honestly have no idea where I'm trying to go with this. I feel like I started with a good idea, but fuck it.

I want to know why I, as in me, personally, Thomas, can not allow someone to transition without a shit load of trouble. I am, for the most part, very good friends with almost all of my exs as of now in my life. But ALL of them took a lot of time apart and then a meeting in the future. Do you just HAVE to have time apart to disconnect and then allow the person to enter your life at a later time, as something else? The simplest answer to this is "yes". At this point in the game things seem to be too fresh, too open nerved, too hitting close to home.

Isn't it crazy the way that you can still feel attached to someone when they have left your life for the time being? It's almost physical, but certainly an emotional bond. I feel as though I can almost see the energy that attaches me to certain people. It's overwhelming at times, like a magnet. There are times where I hate it and feel trapped, but other times where I love it and the imagery alone makes me smile. Perhaps in another dimension we are still "friends" and therefore I feel the connection?

At times it feels like a warm hug, the best kind.

I no longer feel sad about this connection, although at times the pulling is very intense and causes me shortness of breath. I am excited about my future and everything that it holds. I feel that perhaps in the future, this connection will be prominent again.

I feel like for the first time in a while my life is falling into place, on track and that doors are opening for me. I feel like I have working at them for a long time, and just now figured out the combination. I feel more calm, more ready, more awake. This has nothing to do with the end of my relationship, but why I bring it up is because I wish that I could share it with that person. I know that he has seen me at my worst, my saddest, and I wish that he now could see me getting ready to fly.

That is when I miss this direct physical connection the most, when I have something to celebrate, something to share.

I was recently speaking with a friend who's father died. He told me that he hadn't really cried too much or been to upset and that this made him feel guilty. Walking down the street, not too long ago, I saw Richard Geer. I picked up my phone and called my mom, she was very excited. Seeing Richard Geer means nothing to me, but wanting to share with my mom, who loves him, meant a lot to me. I think that if my mom were dead, those would be the moments that is would hit me and make me cry. I think the moments that you want to share with people and you can't, those are the roughest. I explained this to my friend and he said that yes, there are times when he wants to call his father and share something, and those are the times that it hits him that he can't, ever again.

I wish that there was a way to speed up the process of "boyfriend" to "friend". I wish that I could continue to share everything about myself and all my wins with this intense connection. But, I can't. I know this, and it frustrates me. This isn't even something that is up to him, but also up to me. I don't know how I would respond if I were even sitting next to him, I don't even know what emotion would go through my body, or how I would react. I'd try to smile, but I don't know if I could be convincing enough.

Is the end of a relationship relatable to a death? Both are changed in relationship and parts of them coming to a halt. No, i don't want to die, or anyone to. My point simply being that, I miss my relationship because right now I feel like celebrating, and I wish that I could celebrate with him.

I wish all of life were a celebration.

2009-10-21T09:40:00.001-05:00

I am once again on the long island sound all day. It's beautiful. Although it is chilly out, the sun is bright and that makes everything so much better.

Tonight I am attending a dog birthday. A Bitchin Birthday Betty Bonanza.

Every Night

2009-10-20T21:13:00.004-05:00

I have this irrational fear of waking up in the middle of the night from a bad dream, reaching for you next to me, and the realization that you're not there anymore. I think of this almost every night before I close my eyes.

Tool Academy

2009-10-20T19:03:00.002-05:00

After another long day, all I can say is, I love TOOL ACADEMY 2. That's what I'm watching before bed. :-)

No Suits Please

2009-10-19T18:53:00.003-05:00

Today I spend the day playing a stock broker. I had to wear two full suits, no, not at the same time. The entire time my stomach was in pain. I refuse to think that this is simply something pepto could solve, but more so my body resisting the corporate life. :-) I can't imagine getting up every morning, throwing on a suit and sitting in an office all day. Thankfully there are many choices out there.

I'd really like to write more, but I'm too tired.

2009-10-18T15:50:00.001-05:00

If you've ever wondered why I look vacant, or just mean. So expressionless. It's because I'm thinking all these things. All at the same time.

California Dreamin'

2009-10-18T13:05:00.001-05:00

All the leaves are brown
All the leaves are brown
And the sky is grey
And the sky is grey
Ive been for a walk
Ive been for a walk
On a winters day
On a winters day
Id be safe and warm
Id be safe and warm
If I was in l.a.
If I was in l.a.
California dreamin
California dreamin
On such a winters day

Stopped into a church
I passed along the way
Well, I got down on my knees
Got down on my knees
And I pretend to pray
I pretend to pray
You know the preacher likes the cold
Preacher likes the cold
He knows Im gonna stay
Knows Im gonna stay
California dreamin
California dreamin
On such a winters day

All the leaves are brown
All the leaves are brown
And the sky is grey
And the sky is grey
Ive been for a walk
Ive been for a walk
On a winters day
On a winters day
If I didnt tell her
If I didnt tell her
I could leave today
I could leave today
California dreamin
California dreamin
On such a winters day
California dreaming
On such a winters day
California dreaming
On such a winters day

Cali

2009-10-18T04:56:00.003-05:00

Everyday I think about moving to California more and more... what am I waiting for? "My life to finally begin"?

Starlight

2009-10-17T14:20:00.002-05:00

One of my new favorite songs.

Far away
This ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

The Starlight
I will be chasing a starlight
Until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms

My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms

Far away
This ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold

2009-10-16T22:37:00.001-05:00

I can because I say I can. I am because I say I am.

Tonight, Tonight, yes, fucking Tonight

2009-10-16T02:08:00.004-05:00

Tonight:

Tonight, yes, fucking Tonight, I've learned many things:

1. I am not going to find the person of my dreams in a bar. This is in no way to say that I haven't already met the person of my dreams at some point, or to say that everyone that goes into a bar is not worth my time. This is just coming from the point of view of the sober bartender serving everyone that is fucked up out of their minds.

1A. I drink, I am normal. But rarely to the point that I can't speak. And further more, if you slur when you ask me on a date, chances are I will say no. Call me picky.

1B. I don't do hard drugs. Ganja is not a hard drug. But it seems that everywhere you turn around in clubs someone is stuffing something up their nose. I've heard the argument that, "everyone does it". But no, that's not true, I can name 10 people that don't to every 1 that I know that does. I personally don't care if you do, I have friends that do, and I don't think it's a huge deal. But I don't want to date someone that does. I think that's fair. I can't even say that I have never done it, because I have, and it didn't seem like a big deal to even do it. I've done it enough to know that I don't need it, want it, and I don't like how it makes me feel.

1Ba. In a perfect world, I would rather be the drug that you are addicted to. I want someone to be addicted to me, not be able to get enough of me. I want someone to chop me up into little pieces on a fancy mirror and snort me up in a one dollar bill. Ok, not really, that may have been going to far.

1C. Where the Hell do people hang out besides bars? This is when it hit me, I need to focus more on doing the things that I love and less on finding someone that I can do the things I love with. If that didn't make sense, think of it this way; If I only do the things I love, then I will only find people that also enjoy doing the things I love. This sounds simple, but for some reason I guess it never really crossed my mind. Some how in some way, tonight it all clicked. I just need to focus more on my career and on myself, less on what's going on around me. I need to create more of my own world and live fully in it. This probably sounds self-centered, but whatever, so many people have already been telling me that I am, so I might as well make it come true. Plus, I'm 25, I have plenty of years to worry about everyone else later, maybe it is time I took control and just focused on me?

2. Sometimes you can't say everything you want to. Sometimes you really are between a rock and a hard spot. I can't even say what I want to on here, or to anyone.

2a. I miss my ex like crazy sometimes. At moments it almost seems overwhelming and I choke, I can't breathe. Other times I think that I made the "right" choice and I don't think twice. Sometimes I wake up and miss him, sometimes I just wake up and make myself eggs and don't think about it. My thoughts are fleeting and all over the place. This is why I don't call/text him and tell him that I want him back. I have many many moments where I feel as though I do, and many where I feel as though I don't. How unfair of me would it be for me to call him and say, "Baby, I love you, I miss you, I want to make this work". Have him come over, sleep together and then wake in the morning and think, "oh shit, I have to break up with him again". If I were to so this, it would make me the worst person in the world and only hurt both of us more so. I'm giving myself 30 days to think. 30 days to figure it all out in my head. I can't let someone I care about sit and wait for me, or dangle on a string. I've had it done to me, and it sucks.

2b. I wish I would think things out more before I do them.

2c. I wish I would think things out less before I do them.

3. I must stop looking outside myself.

An Open Letter to God

2009-10-15T17:28:00.002-05:00

Dear God,
Did you create cold rainy days to torture all single people, or just me?

Love you,
Thomas

When Songs Attack

2009-10-15T14:04:00.002-05:00

At the age of 11 I really started to listening to music and paying attention to the lyrics. My first love was of course Alanis Morissette and then everything had become history. That was apx. the same age I started to put music and emotions together. I found that I could control emotions based on the type of music I were listening to. I also find that music can deepen an emotion and sometimes help you through things. Yes, all of this seems basic and we have all thought these things before, no?

Every time I go through a break up I always attach a song to the person, something about the sound, the lyrics, or just where my head is. I have a song for everyone in my life that has ever meant something to me.

With my recent relationship it has been the song Cold Desert by Kings of Leon. This is kind of funny because I had never heard the song until I recently downloaded the album a week or so ago. I'm not sure exactly why I attach it to this particular person, so I assume that it is more so about how I feel and less about him.

The Attack:

Yesterday I was in Brooklyn doing a random shoot and like all shoots, there was music playing. About 30 seconds after I walked in the studio Cold Desert came on. I thought, "What the fuck? Am I going to burst into tears right now? Because I'd rather not." I closed my eyes for a moment and just the emotion pass through me and exit. Put on a smiling face and imagined a gold shield of light protecting me and not allowing the happiness I was trying to convey slip from my body.

The shoot continued as they do and as I were packing my things up, "Glass Vase Cello Case" by Tattle Tale (which I just posted on here a couple days ago), came on. I have never ever in my entire life heard this song outside of me playing it for someone or outside of "But I'm a Cheerleader". I have never heard anything else the group has ever recorded and know nothing of them. I was shocked, just smiled and tried to laugh at the irony of all this. The next song started, and I shit you not, "Breathe Me" by Sia. Just listening to the first few beats of this songs brings me to tears, I used to use it in acting class all the time for sad scenes. At this point I was no longer laughing, but screaming inside, I needed to leave. I took a few deep breathes, and left, but felt as though I barely made it out alive.

I'm on the corner waiting for a light to come on
That's when I know that you're alone
It's cold in the desert, water never sees the ground
Special unspoken without sound

Told me you love me, that I'd never die alone
Hand over your heart, let's go home
Everyone noticed, everyone has seen the signs
I've always been known to cross lines

I never ever cried when I was feeling down
I've always been scared of the sound
Jesus don't love me, no one ever carried my load
I'm too young to feel this old

Here's to you, here's to me
On to us, nobody knows
Nobody sees, nobody but me

"Hand over your heart, let's go home".

Juliette Lewis

2009-10-14T11:13:00.002-05:00

I never really paid too much attention to Juliette Lewis until recently. She is crazy, and I love it.

Juliette and the Licks

Self - Someone Else

2009-10-14T00:06:00.003-05:00

It has been 9 days since my break up. In some ways I can't believe that it has been that long.. It still feels like it were yesterday, and I do realize that in the long scheme of life 9 days really isn't that long at all. It has, for the most part, been my every thought.

I have good days where I wake up happy and ready for the sunshine, and others where I wake up sad and have no idea what to even do with myself. Sometimes the simple act of throwing my feet to the floor and standing up is too much to handle. I don't think that I'm depressed, but more so find myself lonely and filled with silence.

For the last 8 months, if I woke up alone, my first motion was to reach over, grab my phone and text the person I was dating. We would end up texting back and forth for a while and then I'd get up, have breakfast, catch up on e-mails, go to the gym, and then probably lunch with "the other half".

Now I wake up with only going to the gym to look forward to... yes, going to the gym. As much as I love going to gym, it really doesn't fill the void of human contact. Obviously I still have human contact, just the not the exact type that I'm used to. Surprisingly, I haven't felt less sexual then I am now in a LONG time. It is almost the furthest thing from my mind 99% of the time. I don't think I'm ready to even just be physically close to someone else yet, and really, it's only been a few days, so that shouldn't be too strange.

Now I guess I'm at the point of wondering what I should do with all the things in my apartment that remind me of him. We didn't fight, I don't hate him, I don't want to forget him, but for now I have to find a way to stop thinking about it so much. I need time to think about other things, and I just keep playing scenes over and over in my head. Everything about my apartment reminds me of moments, times, experiences, memories... Do I put all the little things into a box and pack it away? Throw things out? (Which I really don't think I need/want to do). Basically, I spend a decent amount of time in my apartment and I can't spend every minute rethinking things that I can't change.

One of the toughest things for me this far is knowing that he is hurting. I am hurting, but I know I can handle it. I know what my own limits are, I know what I can deal with. He is a grown fully functional human being, but I wish I could just snap my fingers and make it all go away. It sucks when you want to be there for someone, but given the situation, you just can't be. I'm terrified he is going to end up hating me. Terrified. Perhaps if the roles were switched, then I'd hate me? There is no worse feeling in the entire world then knowing that you've hurt someone you care about. If I could bottle everything up myself and deal with it for both of us, I would.

I don't know what the future holds, but I like to think that it has a lot of beautiful sunsets, beach, lots of water, and maybe a few drinks. A lot of years, tons of dancing, picture books for miles, and memories that pass energy into the world forever.

I need to take time and focus on myself, but all I keep thinking about is someone else.

Everyone Loves a Good Drunk

2009-10-13T16:02:00.001-05:00

My personal favorite drunk in the world, Jackie Conner.

Thanks D.E.

"Better"

2009-10-13T01:44:00.001-05:00

I don't believe that people can be labeled as "better" or as "worse". I don't think someone can "do better". I think that you can only do differently.

Marathon

2009-10-12T11:26:00.002-05:00

Yesterday in CA Alanis Morissette ran a 26.4 mile marathon for the National Eating Disorder Association. She was able to make it in just over 4 hours. That fucking rocks. I love her.

Tweaks, Turns and Love

2009-10-11T18:15:00.003-05:00

One of my closest friends has asked me many times, "What is the perfect person that I see as being my match?" More so, describe that person and the qualities that they would carry. I have a hard time answering this, so clearly I don't really know.

I think that probably somewhere at the top of the list would be to love what you do, your job, your activities, your passion. I want to wake up to someone that is smiling every morning, even when it's raining. I want to marry someone that is so annoyingly happy that it makes me smile. Maybe someone to teach me how to smile more? I don't think that someone can be happy all the time, but a positive outlook would be nice.

I want you to want to change the world. I have full intentions of somehow making an impact on the world and a partner in crime would be great.

Please be open to sharing all of your emotions. Even if sometimes the emotion is for me to "shut the fuck up". Sometimes I need to "shut the fuck up". Although, "please be quiet", might be nicer. :-)

I've often said that I don't know if i've ever been "in love". And this is true, I don't know if I have been. But is it possible to love someone but not be "in love" with them? Does that make your relationship more of a friendship? I love all of my friends, but I'm not "in love" with them. Is it different because you don't sleep with your friends? (most of the time anyways).

I've most recently loved someone and never told him. I don't know if I were "in love", but I also don't think I'd be able to identify it if I were anyways. I don't understand what "in love" is supposed to feel like. Sometimes I'm too focused on my own emotions and not on the ones of the people around me. I am emotionally selfish.

Growing up I was always very focused on keeping everyone else happy that I never paid attention to how I felt. I just wanted everyone to stop fighting all the time. I would always try to be the center of attention so everyone else would forget their problems and leave each other alone. Maybe this is why I want to act so badly? So that people can focus on me, on something else, so they can forget about the hard stuff.

Somewhere along the line I slipped from focusing on everyone else to focusing only on myself and how I feel. I've had a tendency to toss aside other peoples feelings, and not even realize it.

I don't know what I want in the "perfect" person. I'm not even sure how I would identify myself, or what I have to offer someone. This isn't to say that I feel as though I have nothing to offer, because I know I do. I mean more so that I just don't really know what makes me different.

I'm so used to people telling me that I'm attractive, but that I need to smile more. I don't smile a ton because I'm usually thinking too hard, too much. I find it rather funny that people assume if you're not smiling that you are angry, sad, mad, depressed, or have no personality. Maybe I just don't have to smile all the time to prove to the world that I'm alive?

I love to take candid photos of people, my friend when we are out, someone sitting on the couch next to me. Hands. Hands are beautiful. Please let me take your photo, whenever I want. It isn't about looking good, but more so wanting to capture all the beauty that I see in that simple moment.

To love and not be "in love". To be "in love" and not know it. To be loved and feel unloved all at the same time.

How can I end this not with an Alanis song?

Princes Familiar

please be philosophical
please be tapped into your femininity
please be able to take the wheel from me
please be crazy and curious

papa love your princess so that she will find loving princes familiar
papa cry for your princess so that she will find gentle princes familiar

please be a sexaholic
please be unpredictably miserable
please be self absorbed much (not the good kind)
please be addicted to some substance

papa listen to your princess so that she will find attentive princes familiar
papa hear your princess so that she will find curious princes familiar

please be the jerk of my knee
I've fit you always
you finish my sentences
I think I love you
what is your name again no matter
i'm guessing your thoughts again correctly
and I love the way you press my buttons so much sometimes I could strangle you

papa laugh with your princess so that she will find funny princes familiar
papa respect your princess so that she will find respectful princes familiar

please be strangely enigmatic
please be just like my

Oasis - Don't Look Back in Anger

2009-10-11T16:47:00.001-05:00

I've been slightly bored with the music on my iPhone, so I've been listening to Pandora Radio while I work out at the gym. This song came on today, and it was so fitting. I love little moments in life like that.

Slip inside the eye of your mind
Don't you know you might find
A better place to play
You said that you'd never been
But all the things that you've seen
Will slowly fade away

So I start a revolution from my bed
'Cause you said the Brains I had went to my head
Step outside the summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger
I heard you say

Take me to the place where you go
Where nobody knows, if it's night or day.
Please don't put your life in the hands
Of a Rock 'n Roll band
Who'll throw it all away

I'm gonna start the revolution from my bed
'Cos you said the Brains I had went to my head
Step outside cos summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
Cos you ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late as she's walking on by.
My soul slides away, but don't look back in anger
I heard you say

So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger
I heard you say

And So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late and she's walking on by
My soul slides away, but don't look back in anger, don't look back in anger
I heard you say

At least not today.

-----> Here <-----

2009-10-11T04:54:00.003-05:00

I decided that today would be a good day for a jog in Central Park, just something to clear my head. Lately it's been cluttered and I haven't exactly been able to figure out how to clear it all out.

As I slowed down I thought about lying the grass, but noticed a rock in the not too far distance. I made my way over to the rock and as I stood at the top, I looked down. Below my feet was the inscription, "Jesus was here".

A smile spread across my face, and I felt like a wonderful first kiss. I felt safe for a moment, and I laughed. I laughed because I were taking life too seriously and this was exactly what I needed to make myself forget.

This also got me thinking, "I wonder if Jesus ever wrote these words". Perhaps as a child he wrote his name on things like children do. Although I'm sure that Jesus never visited this section of Central Park, I know he is there all the time. I wonder if Jesus ever went through stages of "finding himself". I wonder if he ever broke some ones' heart, or maybe his own? I wonder if Jesus ever made any of the same mistakes that I have, that everyone has.

I wonder if Jesus ever sat in silence at 6am on a sunday morning and wished for a noise. For something to remind him that there is life all around him. Did anyone ever have to tell him to just breathe, and that everything will be ok?

"That Guy"

2009-10-10T14:01:00.002-05:00

I don't want to be "that guy". I want to be bigger then that. I'm sorry.

What It All Comes Down To

2009-10-10T11:25:00.003-05:00

My Proactive Formula

1. An obstacle occurs
2. Realize your reaction is the real enemy
3. Shut down your Reaction System and invite the Light in
4. Effectively express your Proactive Nature

I think the above has to do with Kabbalah. Someone gave it to me, and yes, it does fit me to a T. It really wasn't until I read these lines that I started to pay attention that in many ways my reaction to things is what gets me into trouble. I need to learn how to grind my teeth, grin and bare it.

That I Would Be Good

2009-10-10T04:47:00.001-05:00

That I would be good -Alanis Morissette

That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

That I would be fine even even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy

That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
Whether with or without you

Mommy Says

2009-10-10T04:01:00.004-05:00

That anger I've been looking for, I think I just found it.

I think who you are now, that's who you're going to be when you are 80. I still need to grow.

And I know, I'm the most judgmental person you've ever known.

I'm the most a lot of things that you've ever known.

I think my anger dwells from this irrational need to save. I always want to save people. Help them. "Help". "Help" as I see it. Mommy says, "You need help". Maybe I just need to accept people for who they are? Maybe I should just settle and be ok with what I have? Maybe I should stop wanting more?

I hate this feeling in my stomach, this pit. I want to fill it with something, nothing hits the spot.

"Sometimes you bore me so much I want to run screaming down a highway, naked, jabbing myself with hot needles, just to prove to myself that I am indeed alive, that I haven't drifted into some catatonic state resembling death but without its rewards"
-Alan Ball 'the M word'

The Return

2009-10-09T19:54:00.002-05:00

It's the return of Emo Thomas. Hold tight folks, this could get bumpy, this could get a little messy, this could be nothing at all.

Why did I drop the pen for so long? It feels like home; maybe that's where I was running from?

Glass Vase Cello Case by Tattle Tale

Breathe into my hands I'll cup them like a glass to drink from

Are you still, still breathin'

Are you still

Breathin'

Are you still, still breathin'

Are you still

Breathin'

Breathe into my hands I'll cup them like a glass to drink from

Gaze (not gays).

2009-10-09T01:44:00.003-05:00

Slowly, with ease and precision, "it" turned and starred me down. I could feel the bristles deep gaze on me, through the wall. Through the kitchen fridge, and through my skull. "It" had many questions, and I could offer very few answers. So few answers that I decided not to reply to any of the asked.

The toothbrush wanted to know why it wasn't being used. It had been 8 months since the toothbrush had gone more then 36 hours without being used. The toothbrush had seen the one next to "it" being used more often then 3 times a day, sometimes an OCD amount of times, but "it" still stood... untouched. Waiting.

Although I did not excel in grammar in primary school, middle school, or high school, I know that "Waiting" is not a complete sentence. In my defense, sometimes don't you feel as though that's where you are, who you are, and what you are?

Waiting.

100th Post - My Neighbors Shitty Music - Break-Up

2009-10-08T18:17:00.003-05:00

I just logged into my account to find that I have posted 100 times, including this one.

My neighbor is constantly blasting techno music on the weekend, cramming far too many people in her apartment and basically making me laugh. Laugh because I can think of nothing else to call her but "Jersey". Granted, I have never met her, but I can only assume that she is the first of her friends to have their own place in the city and there for everyone has a free-for-all crash there. Or passes out just outside of her door (yes, this really happens). At this moment she is blasting Dave Matthews Band. For the first time, I don't hate her music.

Today was the first day in a while that I walked around the city without my iPod blaring in my ears, I decided that for a small amount of time I would allow the world to play. It's far too easy to walk around these streets and simply block everything and everyone out. I was standing on the subway platform waiting for the train to carry me back up to Hell's Kitchen from my audition downtown. I couldn't decide on a song, so I decided on none. Truth being, I couldn't decide on an emotion, and therefore I couldn't decide on a song to match it.

It is only Thursday and this has been a very confusing week... I'm mentally exhausted... mentally rundown... mentally obliterated. I'm dealing with a break-up, and it may be perhaps the most healthy break-up I've ever had. We aren't mad at each other, we aren't angry and hating each other, there was no yelling, screaming, or belittling. I'm used to a fight, so I was shocked to find myself upset but at peace. I had no idea sometimes they went hand in hand.

I didn't feel as though something in my relationship was clicking, I felt as though I kept waiting for something to happen, something to change, some sort of wild emotion to flow out of me. I didn't take into consideration that it was possible that I were blocking myself from having an emotion when I've felt them so easily in the past. Now, now I don't know.

My apartment is drenched in gifts, photos, paintings, and memories. It is the first and only relationship I've had yet in this apartment and part of me feels as though it isn't just "my" apartment.

The saddest thing in my life right now is a toothbrush. I'm just not strong enough to throw it away. I'm paying 1,400 dollars a month for a small apartment that I don't even have the emotional right to anymore, because of a fucking toothbrush? The other day I smelled this toothbrush, it doesn't smell like the person, it smells like crest. I hate crest. Knowing that said toothbrush is only a few feet away from me makes my gut retch and tears fall from my eyes.

It's just a fucking toothbrush.

Reasons for Pages

2009-09-17T08:17:00.001-05:00

It wasn't until I hit page 4 of numbered reasons "why I hate my 4th grade teacher" did it dawn on me that maybe there is a full story there. I'm not ALWAYS the quickest.

Meg and Dia "Indiana"

2009-09-06T11:42:00.002-05:00

Not sure why this song pops up in my head. But randomly on my play list and now on here.

Meg and Dia - Indiana

I can do whatever I want like you
I can do whatever I want like you
I can do whatever I want like you
Like You

She began to die
Indiana that's not right
Indiana that's not right
She began to fight
Indiana make it mine
Indiana make it mine

So pale and white
So inclined to do what 's right
Colonel sir, I feel lonely tonight
She's strong but an obedient wife

I can do whatever I want like you
I can do whatever I want like you
I can do whatever I want like you
Like You

She began to die
Indiana that's not right
Indiana that's not right
She began to fight
Indiana make it mine
Indiana make it mine

Such honest eyes
No time to run and ride
Colonel sir I feel lonely tonight
She's strong but her mind is losing light

I can do whatever I want like you
I can do whatever I want like you
I can do whatever I want like you
Like You

She began to die
Indiana that's not right
Indiana that's not right
She began to fight
Indiana make it mine
Indiana make it mine

I know, I know
She's alone
I know, I know
She's alone
Alone

She began to die
(I can do whatever I want like you)
That's not right you know
(I can do whatever I want oh no)
Indiana that's not right
(I can do whatever I want like you)
She began to fight
(I can do whatever I want like you)
Indiana make it mine
Indiana make it mine